http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking - Autism Research Centre residency Mon, 20 May 2013 17:44:54 +0000 a-n rss generator a-n The Artists Information Company and contributors edit@a-n.co.uk technical@a-n.co.uk http://www.a-n.co.uk/img/logo.gif http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Revaluing Autistic thinking: Aspergers Science art residency at the Autism Research Centre.  This is the initial post for the start of this project which has directly led on from Look About - a naturally systemisation of my life from November 2010 till early 2013 all to be presented in Geological Metaphor. I write all I do - and the 2012 projects I engage with - this will lead to a map of the Cultural Olympiad in the South East. I was asked to present at Cheltenham Science Festival last year as part of 'Exploring the Autistic Mind' presentation by The Arts Catalyst. During the presentation by Simon Baron Cohen I realised I systemised as a natural process. This affinity to find out more and desire to push my practice further led to an application to Wellcome Trust to create a sonic and visual representation of conversations and investigation into the neuroscience behind aspergers. This will be blogged on here - as part of the process. http://www.artscatalyst.org/experiencelearning/det...  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Relentless, with purpose I move away from you through, mist and green cold field a darkness commenced with others lost to play in the laps of the gods    ‘Why take  life that has potential’   Autism Research Centre 8th October: Wake early with usual start, dreams vivid and frankly disturbing - attempt to snooze but fail repeatedly – dress eat say goodbyes and head for train before eight – quite apprehensive heading to Cambridge for the first time to stay and work – project has been delayed due to my PTSD revealing itself in the spring and interfering with the way I work – must make a start but don’t want to waste a moment of our allotted budget and opportunity – also for once part is ‘looking inwards’ not only exploring what ‘neuroscientists’ do but what makes me the ‘way I am’ as an accidental element – I don’t like mirrors. Train smooth – underground not bare but usable – daylight train to Cambridge a reminder of previous 2 exploratory trips both mapped for 2012 project – compulsively I document journey in Geoformat. I take taxi to Autism Research Centre for no other reason than access – knee bad. Welcomed warmly we chat waiting for the director – Simon Baron Cohen with whom I have my first meeting – we chat fruitfully looking at work done, access, questions and starting points – I ask a few questions to start the gathering of what may be many ‘puzzle pieces’ - then he introduces me at the following lunchtime meeting to staff – after I have people asking to chat – good start – conversations initiated I gather, obvious and necessary interwoven with ‘unseen treasures’ – all may be useful but I don’t have the pressure to discern or know ‘why’ yet – I absorb suddenly focusing on the word ‘discordant’ - sometimes distracted by the various and relevant musical terms often employed – track them  – a trail – a beginning – the rules are look and listen – spoken word glows with an imposed ranking of importance, tasted, touched and recorded as hurried lines on paper to retranslate with others - overwhelmed I leave early for Hotel – way finding notice patterns on pavement which I capture - first time there so hoping it’s OK – aspergers can be a tough task master for ‘safe spaces’ – in and settle reasonably quickly, after unpacking I try to unpick day while sitting in bath – end up working late – literalism - then fall asleep relatively easy. http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/ http://www.neuroscience.cam.ac.uk/research/cameos/...  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 ‘I was always jealous of his better Christmas presents’   Autism Research Centre October 9th: awake disastrously early – just when you need sleep uninvited ‘fight or flight’ steps in – retime alarms – down to breakfast at eight (it’s always 8 – creature of habits) – out – walk via the pavement spotted last night for a full photographic investigation dodging students on bikes and stares – walk to ARC clutching camera head down ‘looking’ – Intense day follows – multiple conversations – confirming – after lunch settle to manipulate ‘pathway 253’ – break by taking tour round orchard – photograph ‘apples’ in various states as believe it may be important but can’t yet see why – more conversation – homework suggestions –  extra photo-re-manipulation – unknowingly I leave later than most. Walk – startled - 3 car shunt on my right, not serious but ‘awful ‘sonic experience’ – home to Hotel – graze – tired but compulsively compare info gathered – start to systemise information – may be too early but earthy compelled need – prescribe music to aid sleep helps to fight off demons... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 ‘Metrics of instruments – taxonomic obsessions’   Autism Research Centre. October 10th: Wake at 4 with start – PTSD bad during the night – snooze successfully till alarm – breakfast at 8 after packing – same items as yesterday – collect bags, pay and leave – More photography on way – arrive and launch into targeted conversations about possibility and systems – catch new people all through day – comfortable to wait and save absences for next visit – chat about Fibonacci obsessions with numbers over lunch – sit and catch up – plan sequences and process written down as graph – delight at sudden connections forming and confirmations – parts fit – something’s being written on the wall – blurred - working – snatch several more conversations before I have to leave – dark walk dragging cases – station – packed and uncomfortable train – remember next time to leave earlier or later – Hate train journeys in the dark – dislocations – tube not so good but sufferable with eyes closed – Waterloo station despairingly full of upward gazers – wait – called - tantalising train journey – review – plan disconformities - impatient – irrelevant drawings – exit and walk - home. Fast train content rattlesway darkness unobserved passing in double time untouchable thought streams within heading home heading forward... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871   ‘Ripple marks and essential bodies’ Portsmouth and Train to Cambridge. October 23th: Spend most of the day on admin, drawing sorting the previous weeks logging on Olympic project at British Geological Survey -  light lunch - prepare to leave for Cambridge - pack bag with less ‘useful objects than normal - Not been home much in last two weeks so plenty of emails to catch up on – travel later in day hopefully to avoid the same hell on the underground as last Friday coming back from Nottingham – unfortunately don’t quite make it – take Northern line to Warren Street then change to Victoria line for Kings Cross - stand on right hand side -  try to be insignificant - only a few stops open that side so won’t be in way – people don’t have concept of personal space let alone know the pain to someone with aspergers when this is breached repetitively – train packed most of the way – human ebb and flow – record station times on phone as no room for note book – out - breathe - Manage to get 3 people walking in to pull case before leaving clutches of the underground – the last guy look through me so ‘hard (was his fault) I almost feel physically abused reminiscent of the lyrics ‘if looks could kill they probably will’ – unsettled I make the train before schedule but misreading restrictions in the pocket timetable panic and leave train - wait and catch one I am meant too - delayed due to weather near Royston so arrive at Hotel later than planned – loose 2 personal achievement points – settle in but disturbed by obvious vibration/ humming noise – under any other circumstance this would be recorded, cut & manipulated as treasure then used for ‘sound work’ but this is annoying my synaesthesia deeply – intensity and modulation varies in different parts of room but worse where headboard is (of course) – sonic mystery – examine space outside room in corridor CSI style but location remains a mystery – end up sleeping in bed reversed away from wall with headphones on hence sleep fitful – endure the usual PTSD bad dreams so wake before light with obvious attention deficit... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 ‘Reverse preconceptions – high expectations’   Autism Research Centre. October 24th: Wake early disturbed by nights dreaming. Pack bag then wash – trying to ignore the hum. Down to breakfast sit on own and observe the few others down at that time – recognised by waitress – feeling ashamed I wasted half portion of marmalade – collect bags one with computer and the transparent case with artwork. Leave to find a foggy drizzle packed with students heading all directions – follow now familiar (takes only one trip to become available as a neuro ‘DVD rerun’) route to ARC using ‘stops’ on may as mnemonic to learn areas of the brain careful of leaves coating the pavement – pretty clumsy without any distraction or slipping opportunity – Ring door bell noticing patterns imposed on the Victorian tiles remaining – In welcomed again and sorted out with badge 12. No plans to distract day as a starting point give out ‘cards’ of image taken and manipulated last visit and showing ‘book work’ as previously promised. Spend morning chatting and catching up with various people about ‘neuro-imaging’, music and sound then set about an email listing links and backing up work done on new memory stick – distracted by systemising almost miss the communal lunch time. Accidentally capture spider while eating – the staff is quite international so the conversations are varied and rich – spend the afternoon chatting and gathering with people I haven’t caught up with yet – interesting but tiring as constantly looking for connections and patterns which correlate whist practicing badly to ‘read’ clues to expression – new information instantly floods senses with ideas – woken up shaken off PTSD cloak temporarily – accidental comments and meeting  can be rich in material -  arrange to meet with others I have missed later in week – I am questioned in return about how my aspergers influences or affects my work – as part of the project I am deliberately open to questioning – all or nothing – you would have thought neuroscientists would find conversing with a person with aspergers commonplace – it’s not – they only tend to collide with those on a ‘study’ or unwell – repeatedly told how interesting and opportune my openness is for them – people start to disperse - work for a while – head out into the gloom of nose to tail traffic and walk via ‘tea collection’ to the Hotel - hum – its they’re enquire at desk reluctantly source is found - the fire door magnetic catch – ironic - MRI information large part of the day. Encouraged by and elated by the sudden absence of ‘hum’ a bath to think – try to ‘relax but distracted by patterns of nozzle outlets in shower head displayed - multiples of 4 and 8 – sit and write blog from day – no discernible effect – write slowly - man whistles quite flat – mentally guard fire door – quite so far – regretting no Mahler on MP3 player – green robot – blue Godzilla – sleep late... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871   ‘Neuron tuning and orientations’ Autism Research Centre. October 25th: vivid dreams – wake late - up late – only person at breakfast much to staff disappointment but heartened by rush as I leave – Bath – redress – leave late – no students on streets – arrive at ARC and make tea – into lab – meet new PhD student – tuning filters -  wham - ideas start to spring into an ‘empty’ ready head – focus in on details of information with translation into design for experiments – fill - attempt to blog unsuccessfully – TIME – Lady bird spotted - meet with new contact to chat ‘adult aspergers’ – call - The Arts Catalyst Jo arrives from London – carry on conversation with 3 way interest – no notes as concentrate – systemising quotients – process conversation - additional introductions – lunch conversations are ‘outward facing’ – apple - soup of 2 points - art meets science to breed – Russia - location neutral for new audiences – wait – expectancy – nervous – we meet with Simon – ‘Konfirm’ titles confirmed – joys are real not printed on paper – geological museum – maps - disconfirming – dis-conforming – unicorn discovery - repeating correspondences – explain modular synthesisers CV ADSR VCA LFO - time flies – forget to ask – over too quick – listen intent few words make it to paper – seeds planted – implications of brokenness best avoided – walk in conversation against thick traffic – return working to blog successfully – converse hidden sonic annoyances – high frequencies – Neanderthal brain sizes – people then dispersing as night grows in intensity outside – tea – ‘notes geologique’ unearthed – fossils discussed – look up to find we are almost alone – walk back to hotel in the dark each step glowing – child waves from stationary car – shop for tea to the single last point – in settle unlatch magnetic catch – bath twice as enjoying train of thought plot artwork ahead of time –  restraint from fitting puzzle pieces – seen RED28 at 8:28 - IQ on BBC4 – resting – drawing to 8 intelligences and Corinth mystery – frothy coffee – resting but cant switch off – Pandas – repetitive n – light out – music as people social dancing overhead. http://www.artscatalyst.org/experiencelearning/det...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 You only need one unicorn to prove their existence Autism Research Centre and Train to Portsmouth. October 26th : wake struggling fast in the gloom –fear stimulates deep inside – headphone on snooze till hungry – bath legs bent – down at the same time to empty dining room as yesterday – relish in the sameness so much I break the rules for unconventional breakfast - bacon toast scrambled eggs (new) and hash browns (new) coffee (new)- pack and pay then walk into ARC the usual route – sharper colder - note to self other side pavement smoother for pull case for return to station later – nose to tail exhaust – spot patterns on pavement to photograph later - In - remember hellos and make tea. Time to sit and learn part one - white and grey – highways – sex differences – brain train – volume – density – pruning – tea before immersion  – fractal coastlines – bass revelations visual thinking sores – images - guitars – translocations – enigmas – MRI FMRI – to engaged to write notes properly - diffusion – concentration, noise and artefacts – patterns – connectivity sync – ethics – abide - boundaries. Can feel the need to correlate all the ideas and connections is now too much to be able to sit on my hands any longer – urge to systemise the patterns running in 3D – break memory full - Late lunch, pecan pie is no problem, the turkey another matter – Wash bowl after tomato soup and settle down with computer before part 2 – DTI – axial – regions of interest – music cognition – homework – amygdala – fear processing PTSD answers – crows - neurotransmitters – referrals for head hunting – details – results – interesting. Am i ready to Konfirm? Sad as its time to go the time here flies to quickly – goodbyes as warm as welcome – will good luck twice – out into cold. Walk to station remembering to gather photographs and walk the other side of the road – bell rings to pass – finally at very packed station – ticket to return -  miss train by 30 seconds – wait on platform with tea peanut brittle and banana and wait fior train to be called – train called 5 mins before leaving to board as far away from where am standing as possible – rain and pain – fast train. Enter underground apprehensively and head to Victoria line – Warren st change over – train far to full to contemplate boarding and remaining happy - wait for the next one minute later – make Waterloo in time to step straight on – walk platform 15 to its end find usual seat and sit – Train fills – dice throws and I loose as woman steps on me several times to sit opposite – squash and curl – train empty’s Guildford and can stretch - far to tired to write – think through the darkness – rework day again and again – consolidate this visit and start to see correlation between the 2 visits. Gathering materials over,  now for global project systemising and highlighting its direction – distracted by potent aftershaves as youth stalks the train hunting mass seating -  no signal – counting 2 stops – 1 stop – Home after short walk under a Grimshaw sky. Unpacking is saved for another day... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Enigmas in the salty sea  Portsmouth. October 27th : As usual awake at 4 even though home now and exhausted - Spend day resting as need some quiet to digest the last few days and some time away from social interaction – aspergers requisite – start putting pieces together in my head – work on blog and post yesterdays post – sill research on web in the evening as have some practical problems to resolve – cant switch off once started so headphones and radio to try to fool myself into sleeping – does not work so back to problem solving in the dark. Hand moves up and down oscillating in the slipstream through the open car window: Portsmouth. October 28th: Getting to know 4am very well except now it’s called 5am – solved one during a waking moment which has shed light on the route to solve the others – sit all evening on the web researching after another day where the only ‘social’ engagement was with the newsagent and onTwitter – bliss –set out to find the oscilloscopes and AWFG’s that crowd on top of new hotlist – compare – systemise details - decided – brief look at neurons – bath with more thinking – Homeland distractions – but radio needed to initiate sleep.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Brain Patterns - Brain chat Portsmouth October 30th: Wake as usual, recover and head to University - Look About admin REF work plus Konfirm REF submission. Bump into Marius at lunchtime and have good but short conversation about project - ironic as have just bought his book 'Brains - the mind as matter' published by Wellcome. Interviewed and supply links for Konfirm web press in the afternoon. Home earlier than usual - think in bath - read book - spend evening doing research on web - draw - create overlays in Corel for note detection from wave - scales variation - may go for an 8 note scale - end up pattern finding till late into night.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871   Awareness of the darkside – quantified self Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth November 1st: Awake before light bad dreams – realise yesterday waking late and OK was aberration - had hoped not now need few more days to match pattern to see any change – up – make ready to catch train. Leave late in rain – ticket simple no queue – move up platform to wait ready for ‘quiet carriage – fatal mistake – soon realise this will not be quiet journey – screams shouts under disciplined – train fills at next stop no moving now – couple in front shouters  well guess they have to be to hear above this row – headphones on loud but noise intrudes – about as un aspie friendly as it gets – cant write notes for meetings – close down – twitter fails at Woking – anxious – arrive at Waterloo sit and spent 25 minutes rebooting phone – head in tatters wish for reboot too? – ‘aspie-ragged’ and dread grips as I catch a packed tube to TCR – free in fresh air – spend 30 mins shop hopping for midi to pitch converter – draw blank -  walk to Holborn in rain crowds bad to find bus – bus stop closed move away but bus stops there anyway so miss – next bus ok – half way angry passenger berates fellow passenger – unpleasant – off and walk back to The Arts Catalyst space – ring and in – safe. Photo floor + sandwich + cup of tea + meeting and update on project passes in to quick a flash  - revived out to face traffic – none in hurry for next meeting but bus caught seems to stop at every single light – off at Waterloo bridge and weave through Southbank noting construction infront of NT and cement mixer neon – here – meeting under arch with tea and scone (part) for look about Cultural Olympiad project next stage planning - Konfirm sprung from Look About – receive gift - contraband collected very last fossil for project – waiter pirates roundabouts and expensive boots – leave – part and wait for never caught before train at 18:15 – quieter at trains end – disaster - woman who sits next to me unfurls bright ‘evil’ yellow mac and rolls it repeatedly on lap before stuffing between knees as no room in her bag – close eyes but it’s obviously still there – resigned to ‘aspie-hell till Haslemere’ – 19:09 departed relief – spread out and sift through day to start and make choices of direction and focus for Konfirm - note moon through window – off train into colder dark than London – moon and Jupiter together watch the walk home http://www.port.ac.uk/departments/faculties/cci/ai... http://www.port.ac.uk/update/2012/10/jon-adams-%E2...  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871   Behind veiled curtains the system stirs Portsmouth November 2nd: awake at 4am disappointed – dream sequences - Spend morning in-front of computer dismantling the floor at Clerkenwell re-sampling continually looking for colours that taste right - strange to be using colour so often now as a black and white thinker - rely on other senses rather than visual translations to find them – out of blue receive konfirm good news – imminent arrivals for experimentation – struggling as this is not a social or a writing sort of day at all - hide behind the barricades instead.   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Triangle of light - eclipsing frequency 60 TPM Portsmouth November 3rd: Awake before light - trains move in the distance - radio talks in high pitched voice - dreams bad again seem to be constantly hiding. Think back reminded by tweets and comments about being a child with undiagnosed aspergers - collected facts and items from a very early age - even told people about them - constant stream of people through the house I baffled with cosmology, taxonomy, airplanes and sharks - school was where the damage happened - then came hiding both of ability and difficulty for 40 years - I am not sure that this project would have happened any sooner - now I know now I know  - the right time - out to the cold - wish you were here - imposed shopping - hear more relevant news in car and call as soon as am in - have to decide on the final part - decay decay attack maybe - cook taking pleasure in cutting - now to rest - no more people today - the TV tells me - don't baby me - the trees fall - but you cant have your cake and eat it - systemize for the project required reading all evening. Make new contacts - irony of University emails apparent. http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/news/page/0,,937443... http://www.channel4embarrassingillnesses.com/featu... Then I remember I had felt happy yesterday for a brief moment as I forgot about my PTSD or maybe it just forgot about me?... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Gabriel's horn Portsmouth November 1st -14th: 2 weeks pass - same dreams inside my head bleed through into the outside with a different angle - find myself woken - often broken - induced to swim against tide - the wrong sort of 'leaves' on the line - tickets accepted on 'all other routes' - delay of 300ms - people become the nemesis I long to avoid in both worlds but I keep coming back - 2 weeks thinking and preparing - 2 weeks difference dreaming till she arrives - contemplating not connective white matter but dark cold matters measured in Kelvin - lightyears from home. She is coming - but today a day to analyze the clicks and thumps of magnetic charges flowing through supercooled conductors - flux - flux - flux switching on and off -  reversed polarity spin - all cut looped and repeated in sequences yet slowed in pitch and fe.roc.i.ty.  Returning week 2 - silver planet resting upon the floor unmoved - seated side by side I see your fingers move back and forth - calming - returning me to a Serpentine cove safe and warm - she comes - she comes to greet me. Accidental found works as words picked from a desk on A4 paper: ERROR: Limitcheck offending command: image. We unwrap together our liberation within silver boxes - Experimentation will begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Re-folding 7 complex envelopes Portsmouth November 15th: weirdly am not awake at 4am - ironic as I miss this familiar friendship although the dreams are 99% the same - wonder if this is a permanent change or just chance - will need a few days to start to systemize any differences or find the pattern - for now the break is obviously improvement –  a whole self whispering aspergers tells me from one shoulder there is a shift somewhere difficult to pin point on my ring of fire but all connected. Thursday - self centering - I decide to stay in – unheard of but resting and testing is coexistent.  Now the reading and reading and reading which can be broken into segments and stapled for easy digestion and attention span - ordering by alphabet or position is the next choice but I am unable to decide so push to one side - all abandoned - not needed as yet.  Start to take apart to put together - turning to self I connect - connect - in - out - turn - attenuate.  Distracted by pain I sit to simple tasks of relabeling with coloured stickers drawn to colour references and meanings – setting out new codes so I cannot forget - short term memory deficiency - I always say I won't forget but then do - many times I have forgotten - dysmemory function resorts to writing it down but effective only if I can read my own spider handwriting - if I have to ask someone else to read it why not ask them to remember in the first place? A visual spatial gift - maybe draw to remember not drawn to remember - maybe I should go and sit under the pier to shelter from the rain - a steel boat upturned in a desert - hot and reddened with sun or age. I wish to hear - 48 choices each of 60 – hastiness patience prevails– the pedulum swings back and forth accompanied with red dots filling in the squares that can come later - I decide to read again unveiling system warnings laced with common sense. ‘If on occasion I should behave in unexpected or undesired fashion, the user should review the configuration entered to make sure it actually makes sense’... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'For my feet have gained guile' Portsmouth December 6th: System process system process. Morning alterations no longer an early riser but the dreams have become violent watching fingers move tick tock tick tock tick tock as the evenings draw in tight and icy. No more to travel - waiting for results. She is here - she lights up - she moves after a minimalist fashion in multiple ways to choose - attempts to filter the essence  lays ahead but the process is fixed written in stone and drawn in boxes with key codes in sharp pencil. I learn to lean on my A S P E R G E R and shout O X Y T O C I N to eliminate random movements set free to run each picked out in red momentarily against aluminum - reflecting in series - rhythmic in length and step back and forth transforming as I turn. To choose the whole or the detail - retreading through ripple marked sands - each worm cast stands proud against the retreating salted waters - each a world inhabited for feeding - breeding - perpetuation of the self in leaner times. The beach falls away preserved for 128 million years - time and moment caught as cemented sand grains mimic the home. I can see its place in the timeline I can see its worth I can see the traces of life I can see the whole. I can see the process I can see the sound... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'An unmotivated seeings of connections' Portsmouth December 6th: 16 random phrases - please cut and repeat under your breath in public. Strict rules Reiteration dismissal Pulse transformation Limited autonomy Single permissions Austere technology Move in endless circles Serious exposure Immobile emphasis I am cold Stylistic pitch Goal directed motion Seductive propaganda Dangerous aspect Serial output Structure stasis   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'one of the following 8 items is bogus' Portsmouth December 6th: Failed to leave the house today - dark when I woke - dark now. Rain has come and gone along with a builder in a red van. Have spent all day dividing photographs taken on phone and researching project links on the web. Disturbed dreaming turmoil boils skin thin beneath the heated blanket I sit under. A child next door screams and stamp again - they must belong to the 'unhappiest children in the universe' I am supposed to be 'elsewhere' but am unable to deliver - bonds invisible to the eye hold me - hold me in - side. one Saturday I did meet Harry at the leaving do, held underground after skirting a closed Trafalgar SQ in the rain and darkness. 'F*** work' he said referring to his time looking after those 'lost for words' and what was imposed on them. Apparent Dyslexia has another 8 letters to play with in no predetermined order of celebration. Another puzzle to find the pieces that fit - switch on 'automatic spell cheek' So select and post on social media the odd one out. Oblivious Antarctic Hoover lid Saturn moral ship cup... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Please do not hesitate to send me a number where I can reach you Hawthorne' Portsmouth: December 13th Writing, sitting, listening to the fracking debate on the radio having caught my attention not only due to the news but being a trained geologist - its an interest of mine - whats underground - drawn to whats hidden. There is also another link/connection- I was able to attend a weekend of Ideas at the Barbican winning a twitter competition where one of the debates was about 'Fracking' - there on twitter and soon after in the lobby I met and chatted to one of the commissioning organisations Trustees - I like synchronicity. Small worlds - where the virtual and real cross - connecting and patterns are an asperger obsession with me. Seemed strange being in the Barbican again though - I was last there in the early eighty's quite soon after it opened - I particularly remember meeting Hunterwasser at his PV and having my mind Set changed by an exhibition of the Danish artist 'Asger Jorn' - The first I could really taste and hear (my Synaesthesia latent but reason unknown at that point) but again its down to asperger at the core. I sometimes ask where did it come from in the family? How far back - if I look can I see a pattern develop - relatives - children - grandparents - the project is widening and the boundary between personal and project keeps blurring the more I look. Is it changing because I am looking? does the knowledge now change the history or just overlay like multiple sheets of tracing paper - to many and the original looses definition. Fracking - cracking - have after several weeks of coding finally systemised another more important element of the project - never done by half now - stepped away into new territory - learning more that I can make - setting new rules before creation or are the rules the creation? - do I let the process underpinning the work be obvious or deliberately obscured - Choice - choice - choice - where to draw that line - does it really matter? Imperceptibly blurring boundary's again I need more 'evidences', more collecting to soothe an aspie mind. Pages Pages Pages Pages of audible numbering Pages pages Pages or audible numbering (repeat)      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Do I have compassion for myself' Portsmouth December17th : 'Sometimes I am in-doubt as if caste upon a strange unfamiliar shore' Believing,        needing,               feeding, that black-hole at the centre of my universe eating as it spins consuming not only words but confessions. 'Art-science' I think defines aspergers for me - observing - defining - reciting - slots - conjoins - values - symbiotic - receptors - binding - triggering - communicating a love affair. accepted difference +                                   Socially,                             others,         non understanders,       deliberaters  abusers blockers that creep between membranes rejecting my differences as if they were non existent slots - never settling - never to activate on receipt or trigger positive thought. Leaving me to doubt my worth in pounds and pence and acceptability. unaccepted difference -   'do not pass the scales when I desire to find how balanced I am'... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'to be Living or growing in or beside a lake' Portsmouth  December 19th All surfaces around me are covered in a thin layer of fine ash - almost every minute I have to wipe the slate clean with a half hearted palm enabling me to read what lays beneath. Those snappy hidden words laying in wait for biteback and calm. Discover secrets - family secrets - where can I see the touch of 'his hand' - which linage does the aspergers tumble down - uninhabited peaks on frozen islands. I treasure the differences - minimalist in nature as each memory slips away from me - ptsd dstp ptsd dtsp has a certain symmetry in its dissonant attitude. but the colour? where has the colour come from within this work - each time I brush the ash away, pull back the sheets I find colours....grown from non existent grey - you comfortable black and white thinker. Amygdala In my head filled with fear In the tuff filled with hot born crystal laid down in still waters                   still I find traces I find connections - joyful I find meanings by continuing to scribe  numbers and letters in printed squares in the dead of night no drawing yet no drawing yet no drawing yet they will spill when the time is right tick tock       tick tock              tick                  tic                     ic... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Type S - repeating lawfull patterns Portsmouth December 20th In 1982 I went to Florissant in Colorado as a day trip from Colorado Springs where I was staying. The drive was not without fun as we ploughed through a snowstorm climbing Pikes Peak on the highway in a tiny jeep. If it gets any worse we will chain up - this in response to a foot or so of fresh snow - A mere fraction of which would have brought the British transport system to a grinding halt. Soon we were out and above the clouds - heading for somewhere read about as a kid and long immagined... The Florissant Fossil beds formed during volcanic activity 34 million years ago - lake and valley floor deposits mixed with layers of tuff and lehar's. They are widely known for the fossil plants they contain being excellently preserved. The volcano's eruptions both destroying the environment but preserving the fauna ironically. repeated blooms, run offs eruptions and cycles forming micro layered paper shales trapping the plant material to be read like pages in a herbarium. Although collecting is restricted within the National Park there were some road cuttings outside the boundary where leaves and wood could be found - in our case brushing away the snow first - a light covering echoing the ash many years previous. http://www.nps.gov/flfo/index.htm The repetitive appeals  to me as does the inquiry - tracing the story - the minimalism of gradual change within cycles.Natural aspergers inquisitiveness - but I had to make sure it was 'real' - words in a book - lines on a map - photos - intangibles - but for the real thing - honest ash under your fingernails from scrabbling up a slope releasing long lost treasure only to be scrubbed clean that evening. On second thoughts maybe I should have kept that too?     I type s: s s s s s s s s                                                 s s s s s s s s                                                 s s s s s s s s                                                   s s s s s s s s                                                 s s s s s s s s                                                   s s s s s s s s                                                   s s s s s s s s                                                   s s s s s s s s  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'More than common intervals - a circle of fifths' Portsmouth December 27th: Been waking at 4 again - disappointed - head filled with misdirections - unsorted effects Possibly this will be the last post of this year - I am trying to motivate after 6 days off - took 3 days to unwind enough not to notice I wasn't working - 'not working well' - not been working at 100% for a while due to the PTSD but did my best - 'artist wanted 24/7       present four: an intact bottle of whiskey I find the whole situation 'aspieunsatisfactory' - after being repeatedly told sometimes that's 'all you can do' - I am not sure I believe that - Carry on regardless despite the 'aspieperfectionist' that sits on both shoulders whispering opposites in both ears at once - a heavy burden to bare at the best of times let alone difficult ones      present three: 6 plain yellow and black pencils tick tock tick tock - Seems I will be glad to leave 2012 behind in a few ways - Mum passing - becoming unwell - but may miss the time in diverse ways more - the stopping of collecting for Look About - 2012 has seen the start of working in Cambridge - the passing of the Torch Relay - RSA Unsure about climate for artists in 2013 - maybe a year to concentrate on securing artists being centric despite the shifting climate and evolving environments.      Short break to fill bath with water using stack crate and kitchen sink For me the most valuable is time to think and experiment - whether that be with a pencil and paper - a computer - a situation or sound - who will pay for artists to experiment? how do you attribute outcomes to satisfy an employer or grant giver?      present two: 12 coloured pencils in plain tube Can be done - you can be selfish in developing yourself - Unfortunately an often ignored contribution to the wider community - Wondering - maybe need to make sure it stays that way. KTS not KT boundary layers Back to the dreams and repetitive waking at fear o'clock in the morning.      present one: a gift of chickens via 'actionaid' ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'harm-on-ic inter-val- 5' Portsmouth December 28th False alarm wake at 2am wake at 4.37am Sit in the bath after lousy night listening to the news talking about 'heading over' a Fiscal Cliffs - appealing directly to my literalistic mind - am left wondering what a fiscal Cliff would look like - how high? where? what sort of rocks - what sort of fossils would it contain? tell me more - lots of missing details - you cant come to conclusion without details - the detail is sacrosanct  Zone fossil one: Inflaitoceras imminentatus Aspergers demands detail - the whole picture is not clear when there is a lack of detail. Maybe some words or lines in 2 pt would do.   at 128,346 nodes my computer crashes Day 7 of my week off - work again - systemizing myself alongside the environments that have been set up for the project. Unable to rest - the desire to keep going is too strong - to think - the desire to create - artist 247 again - where in my head is the off switch - where in my genes is the 'switch' - artist - aspergers - dyslexia - triggers - differently wired - but not in the soldered sense. breathing at 60bpm Project is spinning round and round in my head - many to many layers - layers upon layers upon layers that no one can know - much complication - many directions - details - choices - ABC - choices of details A. A need to simplify while remaining honest to the fact - B. details not given away before the presentations in June 2013 and beyond - C. its harder to apply ideals of minimalism to the work - see the trees from the wood - leaves - the insects within - the atoms - how deep do you examine what you do - never satisfied as there is always something intentionally closer to look at - but for this project - a part of me - self - self taught - outsider - inwards self critical - taught with a lifetime of others 'helpful suggestions'  that are ingrained.   I will throw a dice the choices stripped away   1    2 3   4        5 6   on the radio the Thames barrier is not closing today    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Louder than?' Portsmouth December 30th Wake at 3.23am 'Fear o clock' Listen to radio Wake at 5.08am due to cat Wake at 8.27am Listen to radio Last couple of days been reading blogs both arts, sciences & aspergers finding a wide range of styles approaches and accessibility - access not only with reading but terminology and understanding - problem is everything - seen - heard - read - examined - always through those literal glasses - my shade of pink - tinted aspie filters Have always felt its others who should understand my thinking and feeling because although I can understand 'why' I am still unable to 'see or taste' or conform to any other way.      Spend 24 minutes in front of SAD lamp With aspergers I don't feel there is informed choice over my 'like or dislike' - if 'like' its 100% if dislike its 100% and no matter how much efforts to do opposite  there will be failure - Not an option - destined to only socially learn what is preordained for me to learn. Arts - Sciences - systems of all sorts but not the 'human condition - as an accidental consequence I very rarly depict people -  exception: Liberty's in the 90's - never include them in landscape photography - its the landscape that matters - that landscape learnt and read before I learnt to read about it - answer all the questions of what lays beneath.     Details required     what happens when, if, uncovered Early artistic desire was beaten out of me at school - instead a turning to all science inspired by my Father - uncovering a natural 'understanding' for systemizing - have never heard the word refered too untill 2011 reading about 'aspergers' - knew one thing though early on - people were too unpredictable to 'systemize' satisfactorly - fingers burn still - baffling     turn to pencil instead. Desired systems - depopulated - honest - untouched - learnting to trust solitary systems and the patterns attracted me - why - actions - learning now - it makes sense.       seek      Patterns        contained          in                ordinary              things       seat coverings,         crumpet tops,           pavement cracks,             waves breaching,               carpets                 +      wooden floors,        stones,          landscapes,            sounds,              pages of book,                detuned radio signals                  engine vibrations                    scribble   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'need 10' Portsmouth: January 1st woken at 1:35am screaming child next door woken at 5:23am screaming child next door woke at 7am - not at fear o'clock Late up. Seem to have found series of mirrored patterns in the matrix I have been working on during December - final making - commitment to tape on hold - waiting to solve one more enigma - cogs whirring - moving slow in damaged environment - repair please. Words that match within a code interuption large      Cornish style seagulls   call voraciously in back garden           while I wait Need          to solve                detail            before make whole          more complex to set as stone.      'mixing concrete waiting for her return'... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Circling around your answer' Portsmouth January 1st   I am fascinated by hearing the landscape   Definitely agree Slightly agree Slightly disagree Definitely disagree   I often find it unnecessary to see people in the dark   Definitely agree Slightly agree Slightly disagree Definitely disagree   When I was young I enjoyed words Definitely agree Slightly agree Slightly disagree Definitely disagree... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Its difficult but also extremely easy' Portsmouth: January 4th Wake at fear o clock - 4.07am much troubled sleeping as yesterday aniversary of my mothers passing.   January 3rd 2013 wake early dress prepare kitchen train car Wicks Cotswold's chippings argument about identity deer foot-printed grave left 9 pink roses sodden soil dirty knees wipe headstone plant flag with star map instructions cry car cup of tea - eccles cake crimson cyclamen explain aspergers obsession with numbers and music with my father car flooded water meadow post letters cry late train     Identity in question:   I don't adhere to common superstitions that Aspergers is an impairment: Definitely agree Slightly agree Slightly disagree Definitely disagree... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'The importance of accidental meaning can be found in the smallest things' Portsmouth: January 5th home Awake early again - dreams started but unfinished rudely interrupted by 7.27am - spend most of the night systemizing the situation - results not favorable on social level - juggling - hiding - out - dis-understandings - wish my head was clear - a fog - not filling my lungs with salt waters - clarity please - act on minimal instincts..... Positives.... A natural way of thinking - inquisitive - I have been systemizing since inception - start of the project - systemizing the pages of understanding needed to evaluate - metaphor - complex layering - intimate interpersonalisation -  hardware and autobiostratigraphy. The project is one system what do I need? An understanding of the systems involved within the wider system - invented - composed - figured from smaller syatems. A system composed - interwoven - hiarachical - each important within its own and wider worlds - vital detail to the running efficiently of the whole.  task one - identify the systems involved task two - learn each systems value in the metaphor of the whole task three - identify the metaphor systemic process and modes of operation task four - learn - identify - needed components create the 'proposed system' task five - desire - research - organise - evaluate each part - draw - order - buy task six - play - experiment - learn - repeat - stimmulate - repeat - question - repeat  input - action - output    input - action - output - Konfirm      input - action - output - konfirm        input - action - output - konfirm          input - action - output - konfirm            input - action - output - konfirm              input - action - output - konfirm                 input - action - output - konfirm new input or new action = new output    input - action - output   input - action - output - Konfirm    input - action - output - konfirm     input - action - output - konfirm      input - action - output - konfirm     input - action - output - konfirm    input - action - output - konfirm   input - action - output - konfirm I play             sequentially I perform              sequentially I become part of the system               konfirmed I am the system               Konfirmed ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'The collective effects of changes in my  movements upon well-being' Portsmouth: January 7th Woken at 5:17 go back to dream - have to find those missing - search Up - bathe - dress - before the weekly walk and wait - called but no finger movements today - i am folded instead - symmetrical - human conditioned origami. Walk in the not cold First afternoon back at the University with others - reading papers for research - directory listed at end - dark again before I realise the time - natural system - dark - light - dark - light - repeats but there is a subtle difference each day - taste the difference - a cycle imposed upon the cycle - an oscillation - minimalist difference each time - weave this in - these cycles can be recognised in the rocks too - layers - depositions that repeat to a marvelous word - milankovitch cycles - this apeals to me - sequences that change and flow - not all is perfection - problem - 100,000 - 400,000 - split peak - difficulties in reconciling theory with observations written within the stone. test the system - how long will the testing take - each cycle - each hz - each frequency I desire answers - I need answers or else there is no point asking questions - if you dont like answers - any answers - proven or dysproven. http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/new_pubs http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/project_30_syn...    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Portsmouth 11th January PTSD influences been bad for the last few days this week - I wake early part way through nightmares that cling well into the day - clear thinking distracted by neutral grey mists - the colour drained and replaced. Highlight of the week - an unearned island - respite - unexpected - was a comment received here about my use colour - positive - thank you. Difficulty with colour - why - how - being synaesthetic evidently goes with my aspergers - objects and especially colours to me are not unliked or unappreciated but taste and shout connotations across the room - confrontations - overwhelming fears - often literally. Aspergers thinking often trends to the black and white. Since early childhood colour has never been an easy duty - unexplained reactionary till recent - I have drawn since I can remember (4-5) always in thick dark graphite pencil or biro - the line - the non distracting line - pin sharp marks leading the eye to discovery. As a book illustrator I desired the black and white commission - rare - satisfying - a self complete system - rare - rare - rare- often i had to 'spoil' this completeness by 'realistic' colouring in. It was hard to concentrate while I tasted yellow mold or heard red whisper contentious thoughts each time tube liberation to ceramic plate and then there was the mixing cacophony duality to catch and distract me wrong-footed at every stroke. I am not saying I dont appreciate colour - some colours I desire - some I detest with vengence - I have my favorite shades and schemes that taste calm or are easy on the minds ear - i know what I like - in its rightful place they rest - just don't ask me to choose from scratch - colour mind-blindness. I have a known system with the use of a pencil - I know what I will get if i press hard or soft - tilt or twist             a known reaction            to my action   on the confines of paper       real or imaginary       alternatively not near           as clear      with people a            unregulated          systen    of often            disapointments   I will escape to calmness and sought for solitude in the grey pencil lines.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'He is on his way so turn left on to the A146' Portsmouth: January 13th   Awake un          surprisingly                 at 4:27                             with jolt    c l   o     c       k       w        e            r             k      regularity re           starts I would    rather       FOR                 go                          away     systemic  infiltrations  its                                            so            hard to      put  one                               word         in         front of                                            another so i will          go and           draw                                 instead s low        frequency                                   oscillation's                          win                      my    day          ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Missing Dangerous Animals card number 19 of 48 - 'The electric eel' Portsmouth: January 15th Collected fear at 5:32am I have always collected - not because of values or imposed hierarchies represented by the objects - but just because they are interesting. We collect what we are interested in or curious about - rough fragments for us to polish - define the missing - explore - the science of geology would never have gotten out the ground had it not been for curios and curiosity. curiosity - what happens if - as a child its what encouraged me to bypass the dyslexia and learn - an over active sense of curiosity also drove this desire - answers in detail please. I remember as a child a trip to Malta - the stones - caves - goats in trees - heat and landscape - the history - early catalysts for my aspergers drive to answer questions what - where - why - how - never who which was an important but supplemental question - secondary I didn't want to know all the answers though - you need mystery to keep on asking questions - as important as the answers - as a child collecting confectionary or tea cards - 1-48 - missing 6, 9, 34 and 47 - finding sets drove me on but as soon as it was complete the desire left and all you had was an archive - fixed in number - paper and print - unexpandable - unevolvable while looking there was hope of finding the unexpected and asking another question? question the world around you question yourself stimulate interface ask what what if what if I what if I do what if I do this what will be the outcome 234,534 times a day... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'At the third stroke it will be Five twenty three and fourteen seconds' Portsmouth: 18th January Wake      breathe and collect            as usual                5:23am   Look out of window - no snow r e w a k e a t  7:47 - snowing hard - cat is disturbed and cant grasp - wash and dress I choose to leave I choose to guess I choose to attempt walking on the hidden grass rather than - risk -  the ice compressed paths - pedestrian off roading amidst a twenty minute white out - wait - wait wait but no meetings everyone else seems to have stayed at home - dual purpose day  - artwork to be sorted - preparing for return and exhibition - glad postcard 3 was completed in advance.   warm    I have artwork       completed    Warm    I think about home        returning          on the grass then      accidentally page turning              find            new                 word to add  (take)      (claim) concatenation read  eat   follow the instructions to reveal its meanings  an d take      a great joy                 in misspelling                            as outside       sky darker           it starts to snow harder          ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Littoral literally Cambridge: January 21st  Wake at 5am and listen to radio – endless news about the weather reminding me - taunting me not to worry. Wear hat for first time this year - Two University meetings – aspergers student project and REF – meet twitter follower for real Lost lottery ticket sticks out of snow bank:13 14 21 34 35  03 06 Home – cat fed – wait – wait –wait – rush – food fuss – forget things - Restricted timetable – leave. Journey – long - cold - therefore painful - but the trains worked - evidently not for all that many people - I feel rare. Lost Sky darkening – listen to Different Trains on the train – we keep stopping which spoils the effect -  Elastic band abandoned – trolley passes at speed ignoring me as have tell tale homemade sandwich in hand – wanted tea.  lost boot chain seen on platform edge at Waterloo  Underground busy – feel invisible as people walk directly at me – timed this wrong – change at Warren Street but have to let 3 trains pass in as many minutes as they are too full to allow any semblance of personal space. Forth train slightly less full so give it a go – breathe its 2 stops only. Arrival as the train splits in two – slush – walk in road as unfrozen – here.  Unpacked sort systemize ‘stuff’            Small tea                         TV                               Bath As I lay back I see rhythm written in the walls – wash – dry - camera out – pictures taken  – battery warning - fail realization as left charger at home – take frustration out by mocking the shower cap TV Incas each stone interlocks – second cup of tea Turn back on endless news – third cup of tea Fill in form I had forgotten to do - on own so takes the equivalent of the Triassic Period to read Subtitles on - ‘Germans pour into Poland’  pour? How literalism eats away at my imagination       Grinling Gibbons             Limewood – first cup of coffee        Gilded sculptures -undercuts   Switch off please – can I?                          No 22 hour day - I didn’t put that in the application  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871   ‘Just having a conversation really helps’ Cambridge: January 22nd Woken at 5:27am - makes a change – snooze fighting back literal dreams TV - Endless news proclaims Cambridge as being the coldest place in the UK at minus 12  - Look out of window at snow covered landscape odd in non-moon-light - green bamboo bowing to all their surroundings set to one side - no footprints to mar the view – just a frozen fountain. Up breakfast  - no biscuits  2 toast             Grapefruit Juice        Tea x2          Egg                Bacon x2                      tomato half – conversation Pack for day - Head downstairs - decide to get taxi as pavement frozen solid - conversation I would walk but I know I will fall over – no balance sense when its cold - wait – take sweet as fossil -  read map on wall from 1995 – start to get hot - taxi here – conversation Arrive at Autism Research Centre and let in - Welcomed – sort pass no 6 – settle down – meet – conversation Sort space – sort cards – meet – conversation Hand in forms – explain - conversation Sit in allotted office – computer on and watch snow fall from  the trees  while I work  - listening I spotting the differences – this is my system I am creating – wet and dry LFO – feed in segments – play – repeat – play repeat – action - lunch invite – lunch conversations – explain work so far including the desire for no repeats within the repeats – listen – river rowing – visits home. Return and continue             repeat                    action       outcome               new action                    new repeat           play – repeat – learn – tidy  news from home – chemical spill in France smelt on south coast – last time it was earthquake when I was away. Miss the fun. Leave and walk – slush avoidance strategy - carefully maneuvering  between the drive entrances – manhole covers always clear – stepping stones – foot holds – slow – shops – food gathering – think - choices - tea – hold back tears by the whiskers cat food. Disturbed by way woman throws my choices into the bag with flick of practiced wrist. Who is she? In – unpack the food – systemize the food – organized - 4 packed lunches for rest of week – attempt bath without mocking shower cap – fail - ignore wall stimulation – fail as the defiant patterns object to my slight. First cup of tea  - with real milk hidden on window ledge Work again   Spell check misdemeanors    Halibut to Halifax           Blog to bog               Beatrix to vomit   Second cup of tea – retrieved without falling               headphones on  Shut my eyes and watch the snow fall from the tree... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Sometimes my head wonders off and I think of complete nonsense Cambridge: January 23rd For once i miss the 5:30 wake up call being an hour late at 6:31 maybe PTSD overslept - not going to argue - not going to fall Big day - up - was - dress - news - breakfast - have exactly same as yesterday - why change? - overheard conversation hands me blog title Order taxi - feel guilt again at not walking in - icy and need to get there in one piece including the Sherpa style haversack packed with computer kit - no hard drive slip up - not going to fall In - unpack - first tea - blog update I wrote last night - Simon is here - conversation He waits for reporter I wait for catalogue interview with one of the curators of Oxford show where an image from Look About 228 is included in their show - second tea  www.o3gallery.co.uk/pdfs/AP_Press_Release.pdf we chat - ins and outs of making work with AS - Outsider Artist - happy with that one - D word never mentioned - relief - things have moved on - concentrate - leave writing it down - dont want to fall interesting conversations Break for interview with reporter  Focus     focus        focus           focus Interview goes well       A stone from Marazion beach holds my hand Despite being very nervous at first - supported - learn about myself - do I need the paper to prove something? - only to others less understanding of my normality - times fly - leave writing it down - dont want to fall - photographs requested we enter conference room to find a studio transformation - grey background relief - made from a serious paper   go  chin up chin down    serious face left a bit straighten                  serious face chin down left closer        serious face left right hands loose                  serious face hands in pocket         chin up chin down       serious face closer tilt head left     serious face closer tilt head right    chin up chin down  chin up chin down finished third cup of tea MRI - moments - learning sequences that are watched and measured - set two I desire detail and style dates - will follow leads - present some of the made work raw back -  interesting conversation   room 1 room 2 room 3 room 4 room 5 room 6 room 7 room 8 room1 small room 1 room 1 room small 1 room 1 room 1 room small 1 room 1 dot  room 8 room1 room 2 room 3 room 4 room 5 room 6 room 7 forth cup of tea The afternoon I talk about and present some of the complexion structure and process held secret within the work to Simon - good comments back sending a flurry of new questions through my head that need an answer - historical may be's - documenting - process explanations - finished but always come away feeling appreciated by the Interesting Conversation I have no map - Keep going its OK I have no map - Keep going I have no map - Keep I am that map I can feel it drawing each moment symbiotically without falling    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Chasing the pathway Cambridge: January 24th Wake at 5:27 - Pleased i am not forgotten - snooze. Headphones on. Breakfast changes - more bacon more beans no egg or tomato- decide this is the new rule Leave - Ice walk - slip twice - no falling - no conversation Making day Sit listen play Sit listen play Sit listen play Sit listen play Sit listen play Sit listen play   Collect new words during lunchtime conversation as follows: Hormones Prenatal Genotype Controls Androgen Paternal Genetics Sibblings Placenta Maternal Estrogen   Find one myself Receptor   stay late walk in the dark keeping that serious face in my pocket    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Warm structures Cambridge: January 25th wake 4:27  - way to early - PTSD must be making up the hour from the other day - no escaping sometimes - will always catch you Up but while dressing hold of the desire to pack - neat - fill - suitcase in order till I have had breakfast - head downstairs past the 'hum' - Eat - Same list as yesterday - becomes the new normal - but - there is a difference - for the first time another guest talks to me? learn - review social learning - neurotypical behaviour - its OK - pass unseen -  unexpectedly - it is correct to answer back - smile - this is not  not not not intrusion Impending weather becoming the correlation - middle ground - he is finishing early to head north - I am finishing early to head south - conversation till more guests make table to table contact impossible other than semaphore. Packing when suddenly direct idea strikes - pathways - links - need to head in asap. Pay - conversation Walk in - paths mostly clear - dragging case behind - Icy passing - slow down as unable to change paths here - one way only - Once passed I cross the road for the final stretch - on non icy cycle way. outside Distressed I find a dead cat by the path - injured obviously - who says aspies are not emotive - he reminded me of Buster - I found him in 1997 and rang his owner - figured if I had a cat I would like to know one way or another if he was missing - she was very thankful and came to collect him - at least they knew - no collar on this one - I had to leave - walking on thinking of our 'house' cat at home - cant shift image - cant shift sinking feeling in pit of stomach. Accosted by student in yellow 'onesey' carrying hand written Dover sign - charity escape - car stops picks her and companion up - is that safe? Inside work on the doc my idea has compelled me to do - clutching 12 print outs I head to room - unpack - give out - receive back - pathways chosen by others not me - I like reactions too - ask and Simon completes the circling task - all in all I will have 12 different paths - guidance from outside - I will not look at till I am rested to find the hidden patterns to absorb into the work. Present sound work to some staff - lay out the sheets of paper - play - receive unexpected comments - all positive - seems intuition has served me well - directional - insights as to why open like a book - i desire to read more - clumsily I ask. Share lunch with Ph.D students explaining - play - revel some of the secrets locked in to the work - safe - safe hands. I prepare to go ahead of the incoming snow - guilt impinges at not doing the obsessional amount of hours I normally do - taxi call - goodbyes - emotional - I don't wish to leave even though I know I will be back - taxi comes  and I head to station - sad without a lamp to calm me. Train in daylight luxury - seat - rabbits stand out oblivious against the fast snow landscape - London - tube - no personal space - invisibility - up - out - breath - here for train other-side of London - safe - in time Usual seat empty - sit - others come - why tread on me just because you are in a hurry? - steel toed boots solve the unintended hurt - think ahead - all gone by Haslemere - last half of journey in dark solitude - to tired to think - here cold salt air bliss home            in                 5                      4                            3                                  2                                       1                                         w a r m s t r u c t u r e    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Homesome' Portsmouth - Southampton - Portsmouth: January 26th Wake as usual - fearful of the unknown- dreams ramp up the trauma Lay there tired with no choice but to listen to next doors children scream and stamp - after one hour i slam the wardrobe door - it falls quiet      I need quiet      I need quiet      I need quiet       not intrusion to think about the project and living      get up late - distracted - thinking about the project - debrief - direction      we eat late - thinking - distracted about the project - debrief - direction   hiatus we get ready - Southampton - Transformism opening and symposium at John Hansard Gallery - The Arts Catalyst - the commissioners of this project. We go - fuel - thoughts - motorway - directions - park - leave - park closer - walk bamboo grove stands out - invitingly Arrive at same time as London coach - full gallery space filled with sounds clay and cones Talk boundary opportunities I am drawn by the printed masks - and text on the screen - I wish to be the new workers described in blurred periodic tables - dysarticulated computer screen complete with speaking tube - later I find the actual objects displayed like fossils in an ethnographic museum alongside books. I listen I read I watch I watch transfixed as twin virtual koi swim round an enamaled bowl I eat - forgoing my food danger thoughts - Bread - Cheese - ham - celery - olives I chat I stand I sit I watch transfixed as twin virtual koi swim round an enameled bowl I hug I walk avoiding clay ball whose tracks tell stories of unintended movement We leave the building we are gathered to sit for the symposium - slight late start which gives me chance to draw complex diagram - we sit with familiar face from ArtSway - a reminder of shop show and flags start speakers 1-3 all mapped in geological detail Chickens - brown meat white meat cultural destinations Imminancy in the Pacific - wood shaving importance's Bio-skins by 2030  - printable shoes Questions finish - great day Debrief on Cambridge - Bring up to date - arrainging - conversing Leave            H   o   m   e                          Sit              on settee tired        with no choice but to listen to next doors children scream and stamp                           I need quiet    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Show myself some compassion' Portsmouth: January 27th The radio distracts PTSD so I miss the date with 5:32am - I know it will catch up with me - will be on my guard Up late - today is my day without people the best I can - I will refuse to leave the house - I need to recharge my aspiebattery. I will fail in part - next door will see to that but where its my call I wont I know I will fail - so add this to rules I need to switch off - tell this to myself looking in the mirror but artist 247 pinches me out of spite to remind me to wake up call - disappoint my Father the first time I cant switch off Distraction - films on TV - bath - eat - most of all eat - eat call - disappoint my Father the second time been away               so need                             to catch up I am expert at putting this off but conscience grabs and shakes me - he knows predictable me - head upstairs - switch computer on - catch up from 5pm till 930pm solid without getting up - knee is killing me but I have to bare my refusal to take pain killers with a false smile - fail finished now I need to switch off but keep writing eat   eat eat   draw       eat radiosleep is calling me home    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Not naturally present' Portsmouth: February 4th. Wake 3.15am with terrified start 3:59am as cat ill down the stairs. no sleep since Over a week since the last post - time has seen me swim through some dark places before coming up to breath. maybe this post is thinking to much - having just written first academic paper on a passing project - its in my system - thinking - examining - felt since Christmas out of my comfort zone - dis-conforming - a week of repeating images i would rather forget and time in Cambridge I would rather not forget - serial life rafts                 I.        I. I. catch breath explain draw Its subjective when someone says 'you have something wrong with you' - a bit like the work you make - 'I like that' or 'I don't like that - personal taste overlain by autobiographical personal bias.                 I.         I. I. I only know 'life as an aspie' - for me this is normality - is that wrong - who says its wrong? I have aspergers - i see nothing wrong with me at all - it makes me more of a complete person. I know my ways can cause troubles - literalism - artifactology - precision - truth - which in the wrong places can seem subversive to others - good - personal bias - to others not on the spectrum or less understanding I am socially deficient therefore 'there is something wrong with me' - their view - their bias - their experts on themselves only - for me aspergers + advantage - its OK . draw catch breath explain A few weeks ago there were stirrings and unconformity in the press over the new portrait of 'Kate' - the artist received some battering - some was very personal - what does personal attack have to do with creation of artifact  - jealousy? - showing their expertness - dis-opportunism? If you dont like what they make how is that 'the artists' fault? I don't know I find it difficult to relate too as to why? maybe my aspergers stands in the way. I make work - if people like it that's fine - if they don't that's fine too - and I have had 'uncalled for' personal comment made when someone does not - not not OK -  to me - maybe sometimes the artifact should stand alone from the artist in judgement in technical separation -  depersonalised - no cult status or attribution - naive - quality another bias - maybe. explain draw catch breath I am unwell with PTSD though - 'amygdala and the wonders of the brain' - folds and furrow - I admit I have neurological conditions  - one beneficial - one not - one aquired and curable - one lifelong lasting. breath explain draw catch I do get slightly hesitant at the way others may see this - maybe being an artist is all thats wrong with me in others eyes - when are you going to get a proper job? there are degrees of artist too - I remember a relative saying you should be 'known' for your drawing not all this conceptual rubbish - too different - unseen - naive. catch breath explain draw So how do I like to be described or labelled? Why do I need one? why define so openly as aspergers? only because sometimes 'people need to know' why I am odd. Odd is good - odd is completeness - there is a whole history of accepted and re-habituated British eccentrics- I don't wish to be acceptable. In from the cold A Label: Outsider artist - as I never trained, naive and 'odd' I hit the criteria with full marks - maybe I am comfortable with that - never been personally attacked for that one. B Label: Disabled artist - no that's not applicable - personal attacks. C Label: Mainstream artist - no I don't find that reassuring - personal attacks. as long as I can live up to it - Artist is good 'lifelabel'.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Accidental constellationism Portsmouth: February 4th   Today    I split      and spilt                salt                on the table top watching       constellations        form           stars born Cassiopeia           follows the great bear     resolving        one grain              at a time... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Playing on the left if needed too Portsmouth February 7th Waking earlier and earlier since temporary hiatus in treatment's - hate the word - an unforeseen downside means the dreams are back- these would rival any David Lynch film and leave me to snooze, highly disturbed - under the covers from 4am onwards. Gave an unexpected talk at a University Research and Funding event - Asked to give alternate view on funding opportunity not only did I do my ACE encouragement bit but used connections and links to the differeing projects over the past 7 years as example - of never knowing what may happen. Sometimes a seemingly insignificant event can change everything and you look back and 'if I hadn't gone there I wouldn't be doing this' better than if you had planned it the chain of                    events                        coincidences                                talks and work leading to this project are fragile          sometimes mixed with personal preferences and bias     Leverhulme Residency at the ICG http://www.port.ac.uk/departments/academic/icg/ 3 personal supernovae  plastic bags in trees and Art Plus mapping Synaesthesia - forming sound              Stones from the Lizard 13         a Turbine hall full of seagulls singing            the last minute submission     Train Journey to Southwick Invitation to map     Dean of Sciences - Graphic granite conversations         Invitation to visit    Invitation to talk            Invitation to submit                       may I                     dare I                   i dare                 Konfirm   Always suffered           from 'fraud syndrome'     I am only here because of other peoples mistakes                     hard to shake free but must be possible I am only here because of other peoples mistakes                     coincidence                          KONFIRM    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'come and see' Portsmouth: February 9th   Wake          as                per                     imposed schedule                  now      selfish its my thinking time - stripped bare bath - read - consider - apply - design cold creeps upon the waters and breaths into me forgotten words - multiple triggers - overt connections redissolve as the water flows in a second time my refuge out   about      multiple puzzle pieces         attemptingly fit together            where do they f   2 beeps and news that today I must buy a paper                             dress                        acquiring rain proof boots                     mind made up to visit Daughter 1        at the train station after the 2 tickets and receipt are withdrawn from the plastic flap I buy The Times from the coffee shop 'is that all' he barks          to me that's all i need but hold the                  secret still that I need to look                       to look at myself                           serious face                                there                                   for                                    all                                     to                                    see                referred to as at school               ABC by my end name                 always first in the                 queue to be chosen                       picked clean   noise sudden dopplered a train arrives I wont look again keeping my clutched secret as i step reading the reservation strips find from Bristol to Cardiff rare safe seat   Rain  Rain Rain   finally summon courage to read Cover article page 24 be patient Jon and wait to konfirm that everybody now knows how vulnerable you really are        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Shes sleeping just a little longer' Portsmouth: February 13th   Wake 5:17 from vivid dreams - PTSD has been catching me out in the open - - snapping - chasing at my heels - hard to concentrate - think to be the artist - unwelcoming neurological conditioning - let me be after for 435 days that is enough. Those phantasms       trapped in the mists     have closed in during the last few weeks surrounding    a half light            twilight tastes akin to the moments before the eclipse    witnessed on Guernsey 99 standing on concrete      Atlantic wall      wood shuttered world                          without birdsong      'there are no stars tonight'   Even in the darkness you have to keep walking - making - dreaming - escaping   stumbling forward   stones loom out of the darkness          standing in conversation                 some reclining                          relaxed                    effortlessly suspended                              desires        'older than the ages'                the moon all holds back             all is quiet            anticipation         dread holds the pits of thousands      antique valid questioning will the sun return?                she returns I concentrate   as materials gather together     evolving from nutrients creating new  life       forming         forming figures in the mist       have they come for me?                        yes                                 i am ready as birdsong appears before I can chase them away              our suns rise               but she is gone  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Aquae Sulis sultis' Portsmouth: February 13th   Reviewing notes   taken from     A Friday counting       Belshazar inspirations        the series         3         holds the tables        32       variations      256     totalling   768  Konfirmed as found wanting  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'You thirteen second wonder' Portsmouth: February 15th   Awake early    this time        no time           to ponder dreams              distracted by radio                 news of large meteorite fall in Russia                        up                           our TV screen comes to life             contrails               flashes of intense light What fascinates me are the films of the shadows moving across roads and junctions. - i am attracted to the pattern the repetition of many view points - filmed on dash board cameras designed for insurance claims - irony - leaving questions - so many questions - why the twin contrail when you look closely?       fallen        transitory           ephemeral              fleeting   Correlation: This and the impending passing of 2012 Da14 tonight remind me of Cheltenham science festival in 2011 where I first met Simon Baron Cohen. We shared the stage for 'the autistic mind' and after giving my talk I had stayed the night as it was to late to return home. This was the talk that started 'Systemizing Konfirmation' - and a few months later I found myself on the train to Cambridge.      unexpected        out of the blue So the next day before the train home i visited some of the other talks.The one that grabbed me was on Earth impacts - something as a geologist I have always been interested in -  obsession - the earths time line and the story of life itself is governed 'from above' with a frequency that if common knowledge would make us all realise how vulnerable we are - fragile -we think we are so clever but to stop this?       this is natural        this is part of the universal cycle           13 seconds of wonder Today's was small compared to whats out there - maybe 10 - 15 meter across before entry - bus sized - the object hurtling into the earths atmosphere 20km per second - turning - burning away - then due to the pressure differences front and back exploding with a megaton of energy - the supersonic boom catching many unaware minutes later - 2014 Da14 is a 'swimming pool sized city killer.   How come the most beautiful are most deadly   All chant a-blay-sh-n   a-blay-sh-n   a-blay-sh-n a-blay-sh-n   a-blay-sh-n a-blay-sh-n will save us    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Summit skimming Portsmouth February 18th   Wake suddenly knocking the radio to the floor twice in 3 days - undeserved - maltreatment for my vocal nigh-time companion - 5:27 am - re-feared - revisited   sun   monochrome and pure Today is one of the projects sound sculpting days - mixing to deadline - 6 minutes compilation - video - anxious to see the product - interlacing - counterpointing of loops - each made in isolation on location - random finger tracing on plastic keys - no pencil required - so many permutations?    throw dice      read card           luck              chance                    chaos                        stitch                           overlay                             compare                               complete                                remaster                                give                                Konfirm   Yesterday - reminded of being a geologist - escapee volunteer - close to the heart - know your place - Stack shelves - constrained liberty - stak - orderly arrangement   Stac Pollaidh   you beautiful sandstone peak     Torridonian             Ice age survivor             head above the cold weathered worn Madonna and child watching   as we perceive falling in different ways  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'One hundred and eighty eight' Portsmouth February 20th    Awake     late       at     3:55am     unimpressed       unprepared        for this day          finally         the      sound     is drafted         to     be    given   shared  resonating     abandoned         finding image       to bodily project     against their backs    completing the circles     seen within my mind       but unable to read          anyone else's              empathy                absent                   let                    go                    in                   while                   i draw                      in                     blind                    tandem                    surrendering                    to another hands                   wondering do they see?                  A      W     A     i     T     i     N    G                A       W       A       i       T      i       N       G                      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'angry at the empty rooms' Portsmouth: February 21st   Awake 4:32 am hour 1: listen to the railway station sart up in darkness Hour 2: Brit chat on indistinct radio through hot pillow hour 3: Make tea make toast and eat with todays news spread on top hour 4: Bath with book and watch words drift away and leave quietly hour 5: Swing out wing mirror and sit grasping aluminium hour 6: Plan draw and send performance set up by electronic wav hour 7: draw together ibook tester without working links for 2 dislocations hour 8: watch ice on bigscreen avoiding specialbrew crew on the steps hour 9: glad meet with line manager on floor 7 with added vectored novelty detection hour 10: prepare packed picture for transport with untacky noise tape hour 11: cold t a x i with an impatient inch to spare on open doored arrival hour 12: pain unacceptable while fetching milk scope 4 dogs and 1 cat avoidance hour 13: encapsulated by warm water missing the ISS pass by breathing slow  hour 14: words may scare words may sting so cut them away with a single movement hour 15: hang head under water as the noise grows around me sharp as glass hour 16: lay and wonder about my days 'anger at empty rooms' left by the arts cuts hour                 17                         :                    s  l  e  e  p                                fails                      to                   c o m fort                                me    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Rules, colours and 243' Portsmouth, Southbank and Clerkenwell Rd: February 21st awake at 4:32 am startled snooze thinking about day worried that knee may not hold through total journey   re-wake at 5:23 am snooze listening to news counting items to take too london importance twin meetings twin project updates both twined and born from each other   questioning 'am i doing OK?'   ------------- hiatus ----------------   Train top 12 start time 9:54 1. Cold salt spread crystal clean  2. Pink sprayed square topped with X   3. entering the mobile dead zone    4. Field crossing path windblown to one side     5. tunnel 13 unlit by absence of sun      6. neuralogical LFO of clarity      7.  virtual owl music       8. the comforting of chalk behind plant      9. escaped bamboo tumbled track invasion    10. blue plastic sheeting covering a multitude of sin   11. platform 4 runners 4 loosing  12. a careful ramp step down end time 11:29 am   -----  n   o   i  z   e   w   a   l   k   w   a   i   t  ------            London top 12 start time 11:39        1.claw ballroom noize filled exit      2. black marble updated since 1962     3. undertracked scrambled eggs with mustard leaf    4. tea without a handle but with care   5. solid words breathed confidences  6. hatton garden bus stops hills and hollows 7. tell tale pink signed entrance with red rolled curtain  8. assorted chairs green pad chosen settled conversing   9. buff and teal peel paint wall distraction eye contacting    10. disturbances red jacketed placed at right angles      11. leave empty headed my maths joy revealed on A4       12. spy out of placed stone edged letters in the strand         end time 5:01 pm              'can I have my star?'     I am asked when I arrive home    inked in          maybe     I would like one too         that marks               today as being Konfirmed                     remembered                               as a good day     ------------- hiatus ----------------          ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'being so restless its hard to sit still' circle 0, 1, 2 or 3? Portsmouth February 23rd Differences: Woken at 6:52 by the children next-door - first time this year I have not done this myself between 4-5am - reason I couldn't sleep Friday night so did not drift off till 3am. I am not sure which is worse - cant get to sleep - broken sleep or fear'o'clock 5am - at least I can lay there either way and after a few minutes calming down think semi-straight without the interfearences, contagiousness of 'i am here only due to others mistakes' syndrome - invented by other people as control - remind myself before this 'outside weathering' starts that i am worthy of a job description as an artist of sorts. wait and    watch    ideas accreted and forming        moving moving ever-so slow     my stop framed          animation continents drifting        split and separate    finding unconformable honest positions    to trace reality from age to age          story's              of once jigsaw fittings  only slightly eroded but obvious from above traces Konfirming their previous existence   today the electrics are sorted - outputs - inputs - conditioners - smoothers - fuses - leads - all questions generated answered with a single call plus later experimental testing - all usable - all now Konfirmed - another ticked box on a lengthening list.            ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Unamed Portsmouth february 25th   Awake 4:53am Oskar News on radio day starts - cat breaks precious bowl in kitchen - left unattended - we gather pieces - no good crying over spilt milk - sadness hoovered from the green carpet - gathered trinkets find new home in casserole dish   alphabet starts a. developing cold - gift better rejected b. walk past rush hour traffic 14 minutes later than expected c. meeting for splinter employability project d. twin finger movement therapy washes me clean e. duo sausage rolls with planning conversation in lift to 7th floor f. drawing never a day without drawing g. minimal social contact not on my terms h. Konfirm interview http://www.psychiatry.cam.ac.uk/blog/artist-in-res... i. sort train times j. walk past rush hour traffic 14 minutes later than expected k. play same CD 7 times in a row      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Octet for 7 kitchen appliances and cello' Portsmouth February 26th   wake    6:02am        there is        an untouchable       difference here I   am still thinking about?   Unstopped by cold - teeth on edge tripping me up - walk into University past the white stiring stick tarmacked into the pavement - daily fossil waypointer tea Meet with videographer - person creating the projection system for the project events beyond Talking practicalities - then interview for dissertation- including demonstration of first draft projections to my first draft sound elements              l. feel inspired by what I have seen Know my trust was well placed  - often difficult for an aspie to do - hand part of the creation over to another - to evolve - to participate - to grow a challenge - yes - I am a 'loner' - yes - I have been 'finger burnt' in the past - nothing worthwhile ever easy - simple or without a cost - sometimes on gut instinct you can get it mostly right                         could  this be near aspiehappy?             unable to Konfirm as cant find rules    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Best before end 10.2013 2B 3001 13:36' Portsmouth February 27th   Wake 3:27am Disturbingly Wake 5:37am Disturbingly Wake 5:59am Disturbingly Wake 6:23am Disturbingly Wake 7:30am Alarm up - tea - bath - toast - goodbye   explain   In 2008 I created some sound art on my first paid residency. I had been awarded a Leverhulme award and was to spend 14 months in the Faculty of Technology. After initial introductions I started to 'play' with the Cosmology Department - My love of science drawing me to talk to the scientists to find avenues for sound and graphic. I eventually shadowed a cosmologist specialising in Supernovae. One of the works for the final show was the sound work 'One-point-four'. These three pieces of sound were included in a science art show in London as well as part of a day sound work in the Turbine Hall. Deliberately seen at a talk in London for my London 2012 commission 'Look About' (conceptual geological mapping of the Cultural Olympiad in the SE) I was asked to talk on their behalf at Cheltenham Science Festival - the birthplace of this project. The Look About colour work - pattern finding regardless of scale also attracted attention at the same time - irretrievably connected. This sound work 'One point Four' is on show for the next month together with an image from Look About - both roots of this SK project at the O3 Gallery in Oxford. http://www.o3gallery.co.uk/o3_gallery_future_exhib...   ----------------- hiatus -------------   Explain My cold still actively on decline so home - working on some SK  projection images - original  found by accident - between floor 3 and 7 - a complete history of the world within world - brought to life by key-press and mouse marking   whisper     Habituation    Habituation     Habituation    detail      always       observed         noises noted                        ever apparent                    disturbingly                       ever apparent                             noises noted                                   observed                                     in detail                                           always  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Discovery and question Brighton: February 27th   Evening Brighton festival opening   train walk m. Dragon fly silver glint above breast n.  Peaceful partings watching faces light o.  We are going on a bear hunt p.  Avoiding sung yellow clouds eyes down q.  The arts are part of understanding who we are r.   Memory and loss in 1930's Germany s.  Bright red shoes are there to say goodbye t.   Lovely johnny what has altered your mind u.  Amber washed upon a Baltic beach v.  16 ace hands wave goodbye by bringing sadness   Walk Train conversations as far as Worthing then alone      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871  'Are u a fish she asked her screaming child?' Portsmouth Brighton Portsmouth: February 28th   Awake shortly after 5 snooze - radio news through double pillow up - tea - wash - dress - leave   walk train - ipad sound work for project walk    Buy    round Almond soap      Pumpkin seed bar         gluten free bap            vegan current bun               sesame seed snap                   all in brown paper wrap   walk early lift read about castles and coast while waiting for the room to be unlocked oposite man sucking teeth every 7 seconds first in      before the gathering                meeting    ----------  hiatus  ------------   advice one: focus on the story  focus on the story   focus on the story  ----------  hiatus  ------------                  Literalism:                 confused by                   references                    to                concrete                 ideas        I must make some at home            advice two:            use       silence             to           develop               a               presence  ----------  hiatus  ------------           x. Resilience     y. Intervention     z. Are you dissatisfied or difficult    ----------  hiatus  ------------        Advice three:     use postcards as talking points          this discovered and already done                Walk            Train          Read       Write     draw       Sit          Eat             watch                  draw                        climb                               Sleep                                     Dream                                            scream                   as I repeat daily cycle    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 At play in the gardens of the houses of correction Portsmouth Oxford Portsmouth March 1st Hear bi-election result at unknown time around 2am as radio left on under pillow all night Awake 4:21am and turn over unable to avoid the pain on the left - always lay on my front legs unbent - a rule to keep up 7:30am tea bath dress leave Today: Train to Oxford for the Private View of 'Affecting Perceptions' - 2 works included - colour cross section and a double sound work - sit at computer and plan trains - sort options for return - systemize options - print on A4 paper - fold - place carefully in specific pocket in my bag - a rule to keep train no 1: Crowded - anxious it will conform to the rules   2:31 Fratton   2:38 Cosham   2:47 Fareham   3:07 Southampton     change train     change platform train no 2: Crowded and noisy - look for the comfort of chalk    3:15 leave Southampton    3:22 Southampton airport    3:30 Winchester    3:46 Basingstoke    4:05 Reading    4:34 Oxford Leave station in the cold having missed call - walk towards the Castle - phone call received - spot patterns at Bus stop - enter castle - pass the houses of correction - enter gallery by lower door - introduce myself - here in the unknown. Welcome walk - pink coffee greetings - cards of birds - cracked glass - cakes cut into fragments - identity parades - caught between 5 layers of chiffon http://www.wellcome.ac.uk/News/2013/News/WTP051881... walk - Open door - stand near 228 take position - masks in place - spares ready in-case they wear to quick - soon the gallery is full - will someone talk? - incognito comments - introductions - conversations - fear at becoming - use your head - overwhelming -just must keep talking - people look - people listen - keep to the rules - walk up and down - many know - ask - receive - learn - give - say goodbye - put on wall what you like - I am a fan of your work - brain drained - leave from the top door - buy provisions for journey at the station - place receipt safe in pocket - a rule to keep   train no 3: Empty - read found sun - change seats - unsettled edge of seat   9:01 Leave Oxford   9:23 Reading     change train     change platform train no 4: Few people - drink cider - eat provisions - girl crying   9:34 Leave Reading   9:42 Wokingham   9:46 Crowthorne   9:51 Sandhurst   9:54 Blackwater   9:59 Farnbro North   miss Northcamp   10:07 Ash   10:15 Guildford platform cold     change train     change platform Train no 5: Few people - Tweetalk good/bad Noise with Philipa Perry   10:34 leave Guildford   10:39 Farnecombe   10:52 Haslemere   11:03 Petersfield   11:18 Havant   11:27 Fratton       leave train      leave station        Home found          debrief            17,471 words written               find my bed depopulated by relief when closing my eyes         out of the blue I dream what if tonight is the night    imposed      trivial        stillness           a million               trees                  prostrated in                     heavenly OCD                          worshiping the                               light of a forgotten                                     midnight sun    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'synaesthesia and the arts of cooking' Portsmouth: March 5th awake at 4am - dreams cling like anti Vandal paint - stain - liquid - held in place by memory faders at 0 DBL radio comfort 209 - voices in the dark speak through pillow - till alarm on phone remembers its duty to re-wake me. cook scrambled eggs - slightly underdone - tea - toast turned 2x in toaster for even scorching - salt   I must remember the case lids   load car from rear - OCD doorway     he waits for arrival - wave and help        'bring them home'        test run day    shrink to fit day      rendering             experimenting         day                         redraw A - add name to programe save as PDF                       redraw B - add colour to name save as PDF leave drawing desk - walk without coat - student employment talk to facilitate - 5 of us round 'an arthurs' table - artists + illustrator = no difference with employment - practice inch by inch - - how do i find exhibiting space? - who do I talk to to see my work - can I apply to ACE - conversations happen - application tips cooked with hint of realism and reach - new blood needed - projects to complete - evolve as artist - first timers wanted - tea finished - disbanded and thanked   walk without coat - prepare for Radio interview - ring station - talk to producer - questions - am i happy?          wondering am I happy? what does happy mean? walk without a coat - into town - breathe to think - bank duty - extractions and figuring completed - cheese straw rewards walk without coat Return to darkened projection room - find lids transformed with wired insect eyes - no edge glow - contained in silver rim - hearts twitching out of sync and flinch converse      change          render converse     change           render converse      change            render unto Caesar                that which is his   -------------- hiatus ------------------   walk without coat   The radio interview for 'affecting perceptions' show in Oxford - settle in new surroundings - 2:37 ring in my allotted office phone number - 3:06 called back - i'm every woman finishes - announcer interview the 2 studio guests - i listen - food - sound - synaesthesia - learn - i taste the time passing - lost in listening by proxy - now quick - my turn - introduces - asked - answer - examples given - Turbine Hall seagulls - my physical time touching - thanks - over - all to quick finished - an off air thank-you - do i wish to listen to rest of interviews - yes - an aural voyeur unseen - better not cough better not move - goodbyes - leave during second song - tidy - walk without coat   http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0154lrb 127 minutes in --------------- hiatus --------------------   Seek out final showing - coming up for air we meet on the steps - return to room - notice changes in  line duration direction and clip - am moved as watch total 6 minutes through to final white out- dis-articulate after careful measuring - tape spared - place chairs under torn table - leave - collect words for later - place in pocket - switch off   walk with coat in the dark chill contrasting the days endeavours with later cooking tea - two girls boots clatter in and out of phaze - walking in front of me - heeled low frequency oscillators - yellow car fails to stop at bridge red light - crossing - typical of the colour yellow - spoilt sit eat watch ---------- unconformity ---------------- light and dark evening split at 8:57pm by my ipad errors - panic - aspergers change unsettled greatly - no calm restoring - questioning what is wrong - deep pits swallow my days confidences - lights out 1:28am - for once - hope -  possibly my PTSDreams will be brighter for once than the day has been long walk without coat  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Errant close knit formation flying' Portsmouth March 7th   5:27 on two days in a row think i am becoming tired life fits round being artist but being an artist is life        23:59 Artist +      00:01 home life =      24:00 Life   while walking home I make lists   List one: Yesterday 6th March  in 11 steps 1. Accident: lock myself in upstairs toilet as catch fails 2. Phone cconversation:  Desires to embedding confidences engaging with creatives 3. Observation: Slight tension negotiation   -------------- hiatus --------------   I start writing #PTSD monologe with twistin   -------------- hiatus --------------   4. Forlorn: Feel I have to hold back the waters rising 5. Bemused: amused not confused 6. Told       'I      cant          draw a            straight line'                 I believe them 7. Colouring book: Draw on computer without listening 8. Collect: South bound daughter from railway station in the dark 9. Return: West bound daughter to the railway station in the rain 10. Ironic: Reading railway delay tweets while railway delays on TV program appear 11.    head on            pillow                 Radio         radio r a d i o  c a l l s   m e   h o m e          ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'The hotwater bottle who thought he was a cat' Portsmouth March 7th   5:27 wake 5:27 what is this?  5:27 seems encoded in ACGT   unwanted marker unwanted mutation                                               flee          virtually                                                   no resistance   Up - tea - wash - dress - leave rain - straight to meeting for mentoring sound project Sit - coffee - chat - window glass - inside walls - marbled fossils - pit - box - outside wall - washer - was saw blade - roofing felt - metamorphic view - re enter - colours leap and fall      poetry - e - motion          released into rain glossed pavement   where next?   list 2: Research meeting 1. Glad I'm not a yellow post-it 2. Earl grey tea + banana to open later 3. Never had a good run 4. Mist window skyscraper disappearances 5. Aeneid 6. House of cards 7. The technology of killing 8. None of us became estate agents 9. Contribution to the knowledge economy   distracted by my phone               wants to change synaesthesia to anaesthesia   List 3: Artism arts event planning   1. Rain soaked drive - arrival with suddenly free              parking space opportunity                                                   taken 2. Tea with milk + hot chocolate seated with 7 others watching in the room 3. Arrival of awaited 1 - wait on 2 - who may need direction finding                         segregation's 4. Arrival of 4 - now 7 seated - a starting.......                         counting               stop counting      must stop counting   5. Catering first - detail without number 6. Hanging system check -detail                               refined                   mono fil - a - ment - s 7. Pay attention to the empty walls - unfulfilled at birth 8. Amendments to details with detailed amendments 9. Lift offered and accepted - i fold into back seat 10. Short drive back to him 11. Start to write #PTSD monologue and cry 12. ----------empty slot--------- 13. ----------empty slot--------- 14. ----------empty slot--------- 15. ----------empty slot---------           should             I flee               with                    virtually                                 no noticeable                                                resistance           to collapsing                              in flames                        whilst               landing      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 The unsplit peak problem Portsmouth March 10th   Wake feeling broken at 4:35am Its been a difficult 4-5 days   f    e        e              l = d  e      t    a c     h m   e       a         n                t          c r   a   w     l                       i n              g behi      n      d               my      e   y    e   s   very rare I don't feel connected to being an artist - must be at the low point of the oscillation - unfrequented undesirable frequency     all life is bounded cyclically     Milankovitch theory     100,000 year problem     400,000 year problem     stage 5 problem   my 5 day problem - I should be writing for the project - have specific set path out  to accomplish - bullet point plan intrusions - blocks - hope its just a few days - the effect exceeds the cause 'Artist' seems out of reach - drawing, touching the world through clingfilm - PTSD really bad following a few weeks of high productivity - am irritated. It freezes me - not sure if its the tiredness at waking early each day after the max effort to get to sleep in the first place or just how it runs - unable to talk - act the smile pleased to see you hard with aspergers impossible with this but   but i want to draw not talk   but I f   e     e          l + c h   e a  t  e         d          c r   a   w     l                       i n   t  o   a    b   a             l             l        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'index' Portsmouth 10th March   to calm I draw to calm I systemize to calm I write myself lists   11 words found today - swimming without accent   1:  metuere 2:  imperturbatus 3:  tenuiculus 4:  summa 5.  simulacrum 6:  fissilis 7:  totus 8:  subobscurus 9:  formula 10: acutulus 11: filum   rest... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Warning this appliance must be earthed' Portsmouth: 14th March   Awake at 4am  Dreams different       slightly twisted    rather than overt making me Feel    slightly corner turned      E    M   D    R                    delving           digging deeper                 found                  far away     moments receding               with                a mere                  wave of                    followed finger                                   exorcised                                        his Monday                                              fish swim                                                            away     my       images         extracted                   flicker                on imaginary         portabled walled  TVs just like the lions     who       once  ran across    abbandoned 50's space ship             wall paper       when I was four                    glimpsed               with roar     moments before                I hid                        under                             self folding cover                                             still vulnerable       Thursday 14th: allotted project day today and tomorrow Today stay inside - Sun - slow reading - slow writing is getting on top of me - have to look - write about the project - write emails that hold promised opportunity - read affirming email that takes hold inside and cheers me - cat sits undercover watching my slow finger movements across the keyboard before giving up on pouncing - announcing his presence - so slow he falls asleep - finally I summon courage to order addition's for the project system -i read http://www.wildculture.com/article/affecting-perce... I design and draw the casing ready for the making and test run next week - next i measure for the suit to fit the system - central meters on paper - I phone and the cat wakes and requests should I eat now? should I sleep now?              he asks with yellow eyed excitement  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Aluminium, wood or steel? Portsmouth March 15th Awake 4:23 - seems to be getting earlier - dislike dreams vivid and involving - definite change in taste - dislike tea - toast -wave goodbye - bath i am Waiting Waiting in Waiting for more system parts sit and work - need to shut my eyes - without the distraction your brain has more 'drive power' - Concentrate hard -the system needs a portable structure                    wood?                 steel?      aluminium?            mix? Have to build this in my head - dyslexic gifting in 3D -                 cut              turn         twist       view discard or keep? constant streaming............... a multitude of prototypes have flashed passed on the way to the bin with virtual deletes - gradually I keep parts ideas traces and follow new paths still not right yet - back burner another few days as the deadline looms   ----------------- hiatus -----------   knock at 10 pat 2....... the box is here so I leave without opening                 restraint                    i hate                 restraint   walk and work - forms filled - panic - leave heavy and tired   tiredness     eats my evening     fall asleep on settee     so raise and head to bed    lay awake till early in the morning -                          scared of            myself   no closer to the system structure                    wood?                 steel?      aluminium?            mix?        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Rinsey Cove aged 18, 22 and 47 Portsmouth 16th March   Awake 5:27 with radio make lists lay awake thinking of 'system' whilst trying to dissociate from vivid dream that has interlocked into the daytime - unwanted intrusion containing fragmented country rock - stoping - consuming - metamorphosing intimate xenoliths dissolving needed memory ha ha ha   7:23 E U R E K A M O M E N T        steel         wood          aluminium           mix            i know i know how to do it - sit draw final plan - count the parts needed - raining hard will wait for a break and head to DIY superstore -set to work on 'other' system addition - electrics to be installed   aluminium drilled slots filled bolted build cut secure M2.5 and M3   -------------- rain hiatus ----------   out for list: a. M4 b. M5 c. M6 d. threaded rod e. two apple pies   wing and bolt hoping for empty shop trains pass graffiti absent on my return   tidy something not quite there on this frame - insulation needed - tired - will wait for morning   I sleep quick as I have MADE something today - I am still an artist        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Ebb and throw' Portsmouth 17th March   Awake 5:23 - listen - close my eyes   I watch       as he stumbles       towards bare wood lightening struck Wood focal point of finality     she follows        6 paces behind            knowing           dreading the                 quiet          inevitable parting       but too scared to touch             as he sits upon               riverside rock                      he turns                       red shirted              catching her gaze         eyes revealing questioning             not tear  guessing the time                    before his passing         while behind them   he shouts 'Paris                   France'                        falling to the floor                     knocking             on heavens door I cry snooze switched off laying still - unmoving pretending I am never leaving passive by the river as she watches me what to say? wake?   -------------  concentrate  --------------   C ON  c  eNT rate suddenly - finally the build finishes in my head I am up alone - tea - spam on twitter - toast 8am hunt under      stairs for          'thin' wood                     find   cut                                  shape       smooth                                                drill fill               finished i               have                 made again     will i            sleep                or lay                 planning                   compiling                        secrets                          before                    system talk                        tomorrow... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Am I still Eleven today?'  Portsmouth 18th March   Today I Wake 4:23 am with a start   Today breakfast was 2 pieces of toast and large cup of tea   Today is the almost the same taste as yesterdays   Today it rained as I walked past the bridge building site   Today at the passing of fingers my school past recedes to a mere shadow puppet play   Today I hand an envelope, white containing 13 stapled pages on floor 7   Today there are two of my 'stone' drawings hanging on public display admired   Today I stand and talk against extracted noise revealing half held secrets to a full house   Today I talk to 17 people joining fragments of conversation later in the bath   Today I drink tea before I sleep seated at  the dining room table 12:13am   Today I finally felt happy   its      not     the same                    as yesterday... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'stand by  none of this is yet confirmed' Portsmouth 19th March - 2:24am i wake and whisper - today I make whisper - today I makewhisper - today I make whisper - today I make whisper - today I makewhisper - today I make     a spell of comforting            artist affirmation                      sculpting                            frame                                for                                 -                            GREY I take stock Alist of materials needed for Project performance installation.   1, I sheet of 15mm beech plywood 2. 10 metal rods with threading 3. 4 packets of wing nuts in sizes M4 M5 M6 4. 2 packets of outdoor bolts M6 for the nut and washers 5: 4 sheets of Sandpaper 80 and 120 6. I packet of 25mm screws 7. Strip sheet aluminium (offcut) 8. M5 nuts (spare) 9. M5 washers   I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make a break     tea and cheese sandwich     shared with video maker     Konfirmed I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make a break    to read project    questions from the    New York Times    Konfirmed I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make a break    to answer project    questions from the    New York Times    Konfirmed I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make I make - I whisper - i make home tired cold in the dark to the letter to the letter white enveloped with handwritten name inviting me enticing me         to be Konfirmed           yes i will come         konfirmed              ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Lifts numb hands and splinters, part 1 Portsmouth March 21st   I woke yesterday at 6:16am - systemise this with more times - change? I Woke today at 4:37am - seems the hoped for change seems unable to happen yet  yet    yet   yet  today today is                        national Poetry day  today is    pre-show showing dayat 11am after the last 2 days of thinking and building   i              am p  i       c   k                  ing o     u         t           s           p          l        i      n   t   e      r         s                    of white wood   I            am   e          h                      a    u      s   t         e                         d     10:01am I write an anxiousness list   1. Early morning trains rumble workwards 2. bathing with tea and toast 3. breathing fire: a cold walk in 4: lead delivery and replacement in grey 5. noise elimination team with yellow ladder ply cut off trade 6. the writing on the wall miraculously appears by email 7. smile at news the cat fell in the bath and spoke for the first time arrives over 3G 8. 2 bananas taken for a walk and consumed for neuralconstitution   waiting waiting w a i t i n g    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Lifts, numb hands and splinters part 2 Portsmouth March 21st   we start at 11.02am we finish at 11.43am   images flicker into life sound scanned interruptions in first run    Fielding and fencing word and question lights dim louder rerun immerse observations as mamba eyed wire       wriggles into view              hexagonal costs                           in nature                                  found   soon we leave to find relief       in warm teas          unpicking              the moments                  a situation                    became real                   not confined in               grey matters          or pencil line     on grey paper   we return  dis-articulation each component a role reversal for 2 days assembly components stacked for big times   we share a short walk omelette's beckon ham vs mushroom declaring   I am no longer scared by wonders and glory I will talk to anyone   pepper packet            hidden the eye of the storm is  observed against my    blue sky learning           complete with                       hair grips                               on tiled                                       floor   to train while the rain continues to speak today was a good day today was a good day today was a good day today was a good day today was a good day           was a good day               in more ways                      than one       8.02 I write a hastily remembered journey list lost at 8:42 and rewritten 20 minutes later   1. brain conversation plus rain consultations with smile at leaving 2. unsteering unicyclist ardently passes to close for comfort 3. dark leather wind flaps over untied shoe laces 20 paces in-front 4. miniature continental drift proved in grey pavement observed rifts 5. hastily move to one side as 'scary eyed' girl passes to the right in cycle lane 6. blue topped lunchbox destroyed with content strewn across roundabout road 7. red light observation over bridge uncrossed by distracting conversation 8. relief of familiar turning - unlocking with brass keyed home to food motivated welcome                  t   o       d             a                   y                          w                                as a good day  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'g r a y' Portsmouth March 22nd   word list number 1   intermediate    ashes   goose clematis   sandstone unclear       decline pigment   anonymous   depressed      matter         multiple   attribute overcast   nondescript           tissue                 dendrite                           lead type on piece of paper in any order in grid three rows of six join with pencil lines in any way or colour and      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'A serpentine'd reminder' Portsmouth 22nd March wake 4:46am sleep ----------------- hiatus----------- sleep woken by seagulls tearing   i      f        i r     e     s     h    u     t                     m       y                     e        y       e       s i     a     m    s        i        t        i      n      g o    n      t     h       e        l        i      z      a      r       d   this moment will last me the day making in studio without opening the window   ----------------- hiatus-----------  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'A series of events that have led you to feel like this' Portsmouth 24th March   Been so busy on this project this week - left to the last minute tidying day have to get the studio presentable for visitors - open studio and book launch this afternoon - end up hiding materials under black cloths - studio is a 'non digital pencil space' - ideas - reworkings and quiet - radio allowed not computer - I do all the digital at the University or on the move.   hide in studio 21   precious      pencils     with stones          and paper   As the torn plastic at the sash window moves in the draft from a reasonably wide crack - i have time to sit and list - we are waiting for the first visitor to make their way to the rear of the old converted church. anxious at others entering my space but accepted as part of the rules. I list the improbability and connections leading to this project for the 896th time. Was this a series of accidents - a series of others mistakes or a series of planned opportunity? With the prospect of a book to tell the 'aspergers' story in hand I need to get it right. I trace and connect and refine the patterns - the what if I hadn't done that - the slimness of last minute entry's to competitive shows - the one word answer 'yes' that changes your life in a way unforeseen 20 seconds before hand.  paradox number 1 - do you plan in expert detail or accept on the spur of the moment and take the chance paradox number 2 - weave in holistic life experiences as part of your landscape or separate and just draw what you see and depart from your landscape Then visitors appear  An accompanied Mayor first - recognises me and the 'Flags' from the Torch Relay a summer and winter ago. Followed by a steady stream on known and unknown - talking drawing Some people are excited by the maps that fill my space - wall and shelf - one excited to distraction offers and argues persuasively to roll naked on them - filmed for a project grant - a polite nod and embarrassed smiles in return knowing it wasn't a hollow offer. The wet grey slate roof outside my window disappears into night and we close for the talks at the end of the evening. mixing with fellow studio holders I am asked about this blog. One almost apologetic states: 'I love the blog Jon but I don't understand a word of it' I really like that and reassure them I am fine with that and smile Konfirmed        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 The skin of normalness - pierced' Portsmouth 24th March   Wake at 4:22am - dreams remembered till 8:23 then forgotten Not a good night - party up the road with shouts in the street at unplanned for intervals - their patterns worry me as I snooze alongside the pain form a splinter unceremoniously given by plywood I cant dig out. Today is a hoped for non-people day rest day - other than a man coming to mend the loo pull light I seem to have 'destroyed' the other night in one movement - i will stay out of view at the back of the House - not that this is totally ignorable. Yesterday I made a mistake - I went out - 3 hours later due to traffic jams and people I was a minute away from meltdown on arriving home due to the mass and accumulation of social intrusion. Fear compounded by a 'bright yellow' van insisting on drawing up alongside me on the walk I took lottery hunting later in the evening   aspergers sometimes can bite Today i can rest other than: Make screen shots of the sound part of the project for report and evaluation. Sort 3 DAYS emails into categories each labeled before I slip to far Open the pile of letters on the dining room table and arrange in order of frightology Sort the diary's from Look About and pack for transport Prepare this weeks work including the 'Autism and art' talk at O3 Gallery Oxford with Simon Baron Cohen artist 247 lists needed --------------------hiatus------------------ then then I can Sit and close my eyes Sit and c l o s e my eyes S i t and c l o s e my eyes S i t and c l o s e my e y e s S i t a n d c l o s e m y e y e s K    o     n    f      i     r    m    e    d ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'No repeat is ever unessesary' Portsmouth - Oxford - Portsmouth March 26th   Awake 3:40am 2 students with shopping trolly go-cart snooze amongst trees Awakened saddened                  by alarm i a  m o  u  t b  t   t a  e  o t  a  a  c  f h     s  a  e         t   t  d l   e  a  v  e   today is a big day today in bowed listed easy session: 1. morning meeting:  going to have me an 'Aspiestaringcompetition'  2. Home - Bath - dress in smart shirt but forget tShirt - will regret this later   3. Train Station - Creditcard sticky so refused twice - dont panic - new machine retry       acceptance is everything      4. See H and stop to chat - same train as far as Cosham - chat City of Culture          inclusion        5. slip into travelling mode         6. Fast Cloud drilling in chalk by the creekside         7. tide nearly passed          8. ticket inspected at 1:50 pm           9.  help girl with suitcase onto platform 3         10. look for copy of New York Times but fail - my event listed               alongside advice             for reviving dead mice  http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/26/science/advice-to-researchers-and-reanimating-dead-mice.html?_r=0    11. forget and change trains within 7 minutes  12. Sit in same seat B67 as last trip to private view 13. Read 'Autism and tallent'  14. Tea trolly save Tea bag tag, stirstick and receipt     15. Engrossed - Spot Didcot power Station last looked up in Winchester an hour ago         16. here talk to inspector on the gate            rule change may no longer be able to keep tickets in one weeks time               17. Unable to use toilet as being cleaned says man stationed outside            18. Walk to O3 gallery exactly the same way I did the last time except          deviate to front door not rear       19. Here  20. Head out for tea at MAO with Jo from The Arts Catalyst there to see talk 21. MAO pleasantly people sparce - share tea and conversation whilst remembering   22. Hello to former ACESE relationship manager       23. Collect photographs of table top under saucer          24. Loo at last - warm water alleviation of chilled finger         25. Return to O3 Gallery - talk on a stick transferred and ready       26. Greet Simon at the door and he smiles    27. People start arriving 28. Notice temperature gradient between the bottom of the stairs and top wonder what percentage per step 29. Prepared plinth acts as 'advancing station' for both our talks   28. We dance into position avoiding observations over our shoulder     29. Meet people in reality I have chatted to on twitter for an age       30. At 6:05 we start          31. Simon talks I empathise with the lego in the image             32. We swap I talk                  33. Questions obeying the rules and patterns                          34. We finish 7:17                                  35. Tired I say goodbye to scarfed Simon                                 36. Thank-yous with book and wine in net                              37. We 3 rush to station and catch 8:01 without buying tea                       38. I am 7 minutes adrift in my head leaving the train at Reading               39. Ponder Purpose and permissions in the dark    40. Buy chocolate at Guildford Station which is frozen solid - no spring 41. Join a full train sitting on lone newspaper      42. Passengers out a toilet stowaway hidden since Waterloo in desperate need           conductor takes over and takes him away                43. Close my eyes as I pass through the 'phone dead zone'                               44. Give ten minute warning 14 minutes before I get home                                               45. Late beans on toast                                   46. Bed with radio and cat 47. Close my eyes finally and collect today... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 When is public art not public? Portsmouth - Brighton - Portsmouth March 28th   Wake at 5am to a lit room Dreams linger as involving and intense but subtle in their reprocessed horror peek back at me Up - Wash - dress - eat - tea - sort train   as I walk I tweet   Sun   shining through    opalescent sky          teasing     my walking         with     warmth Konfirm - RT Take advantage of confined train time to work on KS project thinking and reflection on the weeks highlights and lows - head up I am distracted looking out the window so I tweet   Swan    conference in empty        beet field its crow       walked ochre soil   warms     with potential  so lonesome I could      cry   Konfirm RT  Look away internal to the coach - people do not shut the interconecting barn door - latest sits next to texting girl - distracted by the now couple opposite so I tweet   Train    deliberately   swaying while buff knitted    knees   swing ever     closer to Badge Boy     with      excited          smile   Konfirm RT Head down - I think process - performance - orders and systemize them in order  - whilst through the chalk bored opening we arrive in Brighton - tidy - leave - walk - buy scone - buy midi Irig and arrive for meeting in the Book Palace       People arrive   Meeting good - Correlated discussion  Designated chair for public art discussion Lunch time escape for tea with Arts Council friends - Correlated discussion  Relate conversation down to he heart of the matter   Meeting good - Correlated discussion     People leave   we have finished - solo chat - leave - buy Irig keyboard - walk - buy 2 mini Pork Pies and a packet of Percy pigs as present - walk - sit - train   Eureka moment: re-figure an inconsistent statement and text as question Konfirmed reply   We leave - Head down working on the train but distracted before Hove by the sun shining clear through the carriage I look at shadows dancing so I tweet   Sit   in shade on the train     while the sun    makes       the     grass   look     greener   on the     other  side    of      the     tracks   Konfirm RT Train starts and stops before reaching fields again I notice that   The swans are still there looking like miniature or far off white painted sauropods while crow disguised veloceraptors dance between them   Soon I am home - walk - tea - eat - sit - watch - research - 7 minutes out again - undress - bed - think - d      r          i                f                          t   neurometronome ticks onwards - cycle will be completed in 4 hours and 23 minutes... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Konfirmed a revealing of systemizing Portsmouth 29th March   I  wake     late   will     this  be    the    pattern?      after the dream starts    to fade     i  remember we have     the   date                       Konfirmed       for     the   sound performance     talk   with Simon Baron Cohen   ending  the first stage    of the         project     words before revealing 22,926   London The Arts Catalyst 14th June 2013      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'P o s t e i g h t y s'  Portsmouth 31st March  Remember.................... Wake early - time unknown - but its still dark - dreams unwritten unlike yesterday - fragments snatched out of the blue green and grey - the mattress topper forming a convenient ledge to rest my knee without intrusion - eases the pain - I am enabled to ----- snooze -------------------------- Wake but alarm goes of before I can alter for 15 mins extra time - close eyes and imagine threefold about June 14th - this needs getting ready - 8 experiments - system listing - 'Grey' - maybe '8 fold flash' too - think - think - think - sleep - think   of performance order order of performance performance of order   ----- hiatus ---------------------------   Front door goodbye - a mirrored out leaving - run water run - bath takes the strain I need to count with 8 - I need to remember octophonically - 1980 = I need to list   8 days to go before Konfirmation day  1. Apprehension listed 2. Relief concealed 3. Ability moment 4. Curiosity elevated 5. Fear paper 6. Dress questioning 7. Throw the dice 8. Remember the buttons   1980 1. I was both 19 and 20 2. First time to Rinsey Cove 3. Recovering in Mons Belgium 4. Sleeping with someone for the first time  5. Beginning to learn to hurt myself effectively 6. Learning about the 'Manhattan Project' third hand  7. Sitting with the 'Lady of Shallot' every week in the early evening 8. Catching Glandular fever I missed my first year exams later taken in Autumn ----- hiatus ---------------------------   1980 Looking back my aspergers had the upper hand to start - solitude prevailed - from metal head March - discovering the alternate in June - re-cutting my blazer to fit    hair        re-style           re-born as            Roundhouse romantic        but years end - still a solitary one ----- hiatus ---------------------------   then again there are only 8 days to go before Konfirmation day  1. Apprehension lifted 2. Relief consecrated 3. Ability monument 4. Curiosity excavated 5. Fear lined 6. Address questioning 7. Thrown double 4 8. Remember the buttons      R e m   e m b e r    i         n             g            t h e b                   u         t                   t             o                      n                               s  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'If you have a Sunday free, place flowers on their graves' Portsmouth - Leatherhead - Portsmouth April 2nd 2013 World Autism Awareness Day   Indirect intervention plus one hour Change in clocks seems to have thrown my PTSD waking into utter confusion - not able to work out the pattern yet - chaotic - maybe this will become a catalyst and change - waking anywhere between 4-6am but unable to sleep till 1am - no sleep is not good - maybe I feel like sitting at the computer and endlessly type 'all work and no play make johnny a dull boy' At the bottom of latest LFO cycle - periods modulated and seem to getting longer but dread the lows still - not able to write much but gets poetic instead Not a KS day - heading to deliver work to Festival but time on train to work on lists of people to invite to 14th June at The Arts Catalyst. In to work early and wrap the wrong work up and leave.....my faults will show when I get unwrapped Aspergers unwrapped Waiting at the station I become distracted  so I tweet: Sun   warms  at last as i stand alone  on    platform     seemingly equal   to loss     through    breeze and   my    self imposed wind chill Retweets Konfirmed Look out of the train across clean fields near Butser Hill I become distracted so I tweet: Field   plough'd rigid   lines   of white   flint stand   still drawn  into brown    buzzards view   thermal  circling  at   right angles   above   Retweets Konfirmed Later on the train after Guildford change watching the sun fighting through leafless trees I am distracted so I tweet   Long   shadows   cross beech  leafed wood micro   movements creep hugging   those  fallen a few   months before returning   comfort once   lost   Retweets Konfirmed   Later     after my faults show they are ameliorated       as I return home   I am dys-tracted so my next tweet is hidden... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 The day dark matter was announced Portsmouth April 3rd   Wake at 4:23 am unimpressed by consistency   one quiet day   Detail Carved wood written within forming trees          gathering with others    all encompassing forests who systemize me   #5lines   its at last Wednesday          Biggest                 day          of my week      rough formed          waveform          now only six days delay   L     F      O    repeated   incomplete cycles                           until                       Konfirmation                                          day    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 In my dreams I play the artist in a time of autisterity Portsmouth April 5th   Wake at 3:22 am with unwelcome start - PTSD has readjusted to time change with just a weeks difficulty - now its same as before - seems impossible - dreams becoming unhelpfully erotic - I play the artist even within mine and others nightmares my autist avatar spins - whispers only 3 whole days to go 5:13 am create a short list of Komforting words        Kontext     Kontour    Konsort   Komfort  Konnote Konverter  Konnective   Konsistency     Konsecution       Konterminous            Konvealescent                     They move and rearrange to say only 3 whole days to go   Sleep in till 8:47 in the arms of the radio - wake - to missile movements - announcements - swim in shallow water - clothing - container failure - walk against cold headwind - acting with unskilled  demeanour of consistantly looking downwards In the cracks of pavements I see written only 3 whole days to go   Needing to face computer - Postcard 4 artwork needs to be drawn and printed - final - ready to take - Cambridge - distributed - reminders of fresh paint on cardboard - outsiders articles Between the lines on the page are hidden only 3 whole days to go Rewrite yesterdays poem for the reverse one        quiet Konfirmation day you      will          come and see torn detail             across                  carved wood gathered          sympathetic                   with many others as we are written within                            forming trees high       all encompassing forests                                             fallwith those who labour                           to systemize me   Autistic assemblages - finish - email - walk looking at the rain - patterns etched against the grey - connecting in lighter lines instantly - here and there - arrive to welcomes - printing as we speak of migrating sand dunes and words scratched into sand at Christmas - cuts number 6 plus one - wrapped and ready to walk home Pushed content, images from the back of my head, reminders of only 3 whole days to go   Return to desk then studio 21 - clean - move - rearrange - write - research - finished - walk home without looking down - no reminders watching - home with same sequences consorting to remind me there are only 3 whole days to go ----------------- hiatus --------------------- Alternation written from the other side http://tellmeagainwhat.blogspot.co.uk/ ----------------- hiatus ---------------------        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Distracted as the cracks grow' Portsmouth April 6th Wake later at 6:22am not the good news it seems........ i wake unfortunately with the understanding that a slight excess of cider is to blame for both sleeping in and an urgent waking need - solved but unsustainable financially and physically as long term solution.... I cant write much today - distracted by issues....... Packing early for trip to Cambridge for a couple of days later in the week - make sure this time I remember everything that I need - tie some loose ends up - new questions - over seeing structures i need to impose - hoping it may even rival the warmest days I have spent there before - Will be good to be able to walk from hotel to the Autism Research Centre without the worry of falling over on slippy pavements - also there is food - sleeping at hotels - what you leave behind..... All these practicalities you don't factor in to 'being the artist' unless you 'live it' as your practice 24/7.   Manage a glance of my reflection this time its different a dual purpose Konfirmation papers  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Systems created in refractory sand plied with plaster' Portsmouth April 8th   Wake early - about 5:30 am and fall back to sleep straight away without reaching for the phone to check - snooze with cat perched on shoulder until alarm goes off 4 times   Preparation: Spend part of this weekend looking through several large boxes of oddment's that others may call them - they all formed part of a show at Pallant House gallery in 2009 - 'Goose on the Hill' - where I retold my life to that point in geological metaphor in the print room cases - cemented my outsider artist status... http://www.disabilityartsonline.org/?location_id=1... I had dug up a load of keepsakes and documents - some I had kept with me - some from my parents house - photos, mementos, tickets, books, newspaper clippings, toys - displaying them as cultural 'Fossils' - this show led to my London 2012 Cultural Olympiad commission 'Look About' - Some of these fossils were my school reports from 71, 77, 78, 79 - ancient times of need - I needed them for 2 reasons - to put on show as a Zone fossil from 1971 and 77-79 - and also to create a digital work - 'Redacted reports' where at the height of the MP's expenses 'difficulties' they covered sections 'of detail' up - I covered up all the good bits of my school reports and set them to play on a digital picture frame as a new work for the show I had to find the school reports to take to Cambridge as part of Konfirmation day so searched, luckily finding them in the first box along with the tarzan cards I obsessively collected aged six - also my cub card showing obsessive  'badge collecting' then how I gave up the scouts as it was too 'Social' for me to cope with. They made interesting re-reading most of the words - complain - evidently I only tried on a very limited array of self imposed specialised subjects which I excelled at but at the cost of all the others - proof of inbuilt systemizing at an early age - I didnt join in in class - I certainly didn't show what I could do in art - I had given up and hidden after having the picture torn up in front of a class aged 11 when I spelt my name wrong - may have turned that one around now.....not the maths though- even though I love numbers and Fibonacci sequences - patterns i use in my artwork and music composition - i don't 'get' algebra at all - numbers and substituted letters did not appeal to either my dyslexia or literalism   School made me who I am - I am glad of that now we will see what happens this week      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Clear sky Woking - Clapham Junction cloud Portsmouth - Cambridge April 8th Awake early Deliberately don't look for a time reference but am up by 7:30 today I return Today is one day before K                                            0                                           n                                          f                                       i                                   r                              m                         a                    t               i         o   n  Day   Useful in heart I Spend morning                 sorting            conforming with EMDR    setting the cat free             relax in water warm to the touch        for 2 hours exactly          walking to leave on                  late train with 19 hours to forgo fields sprawl against empty carriage inviting       writing i tweet Sun EnvelopedIn GreySkilledCloud PincerMovement Above FieldOf FeedingWhite GeeseSettled ByDusks fall retweets Konfirmed   sleepwalk rest of journey   gaining energy from     clear sky Woking       Clapham Junction cloud         underground           awaits with            personal space         defectors who show no mercy      or gap intending to harm  I kiss platform number 4 in relief at emergence and board the 7:15 standing room only in the front                                    we                                        leave          despite woman dropping her    spectacle case at my feet possibly disappointed with averting eyes            un stared conventions         lost conversations    embarrassed i watch beyond fields sprawl against full carriage inviting       writing           i tweet Lush sunset is over I standwatchingCambridgeshire countryside flash past througha tracing papered powder Pinkdusk Retweets Konfirmed   soon we are here   escaping     through side door i make my way along now familiar paths   relieved by lack of unsteadiness or ice     to the new room           holds          fear        here I enter its fine settle unpack and place in order whilst all programs talk and take from me repressed moments back to university meddled with deceased politics finally with lamp lit I find the energy to sleep ready to dream of life after KONFIRMation day      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Polished to within a millimeter of their soul' Cambridge April 9th   Wake early after 5 am in strange room but remember that its OK - late sleeping radio and snooze - then shower (alien to me really only do baths) dress and head down for breakfast - Breakfast has changed in the 3 months since I was last here - for the better too Hash browns and soft scrambled egg -sausages too - set new rule and try different 'order of things' - as I gather I am recognised - a small 'small talk' chat Its all looked on as a learning experience - Lucky - I am not spoken too by any other guest but look on at the different people without making my staring obvious (i hope) and learn more..... finish cup of tea    finish breakfast       finished          leaving             conversations   Its not cold - sharp but not cold I enjoy the walk although the last third is consumed by coughing - i cough when I am very nervous - i am obviously very nervous - body tells me so Part way I gather - stop and photograph the skeleton pattern of ivy on brick wall - ghostly fossil of past life Cough - here - enter in the familiar gates warned and watching out for loose red gravel - as the sign says... Head in    sort stuff      19 minutes  get ready for Konfirm   I       a        m R   e   a   d   y as i will ever be   Konfirming time is 19 seconds and counting 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, then the waiting room call its almost 300 minutes till I leave from the Konfirm   --------------------PK-----------------------   Thirsty - I make tea and sit in the garden - i walk over to orchard remainders in sunshine but cold to the touch these trees just start to show blossom - irony - as I feel that myself Sit, write a bit unsteady heady in nature - email request to show in USA unexpected but gratefully received - unable to read fully so forward..... later after leaving I head into town for the first time - finding fossils in the shopping centre floor - ammonites and belemnites I am distracted for 26 minutes - leaving I head to the older streets suffering patterning overload all around...   ---------------------------------------------   A call breaks the spell - one of OH friends lost her battle with cancer - tears flood at other end - say words of comfort but I know I am unable to stop her sadness - I sit and cover her blog for her - posted in a street of old history's - being told by rote as tour party passes - the old and the new   Return concern to room settle sleep does not come easy as distracted by program on sleep problems so lay and consider the day                knowing            excepting the change      I have learnt as a person but importantly I have learnt secrets as to how I am an artist        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 1966 Bubblegum Card no 42 - 'Tarzan see's of the lion with a flaming torch' Cambridge - Portsmouth April 10th Day one post Konfirmation Awake 4:28 Back to normality without the differences of GMT Snooze for a while painting in my head searching the labyrinths of a strange but vivid dream - then after 6am Lay awake radio on thinking till 7am - difference being the window, admittedly through the curtains is light - Up - shower adventures and head down to breakfast 3 minutes late due to packing first. Have the same as yesterday including conversations that I don't find intrusive - Mixed toast again and almost forgot the hash browns plus a welcome bigger pot of tea - take my time..... oh there is one difference, I have juice too - I will remember for next time that was a good move. Leave and head upstairs for 25 mins peace and quiet before I head out - head down after a call and chat as I pay and check out. Into the open air to swallow sharp cold breaths - but not cold sharp breaths   ---------------- enjoy the walk --------------   They are working on the pavements - so many white bridges to cross dragging the case - resist the desire to 'take' dug up stones from 'under the noses' (untrue phrase) of the workmen (well from the spoil piles to be uber factual) Arrive 11 minutes later than I wanted - no stopping and coughing this time - body explaining its relaxed - but I dont ever wish it to be familiar here though - no habituation - hello - sit at new desk - I am looking forward to some time chatting to Simon and the others - In with badge number 1 and settle in the admin office as a base - several things to do today - filming - talking - gathering and leaving soon its time to meet     Conversations     Plot-tings     Suggestions     Surprises ventures correlations learning Gold     over to quickly --------------------- hiatus ------------ List 19 - rest of day 1. Spend some time in the orchard with the video camera - weaving in-between the gnarled, lichened branches 2. Conversations in the Lab including with a brand new student 3. Scan and copy several of my school reports brought with me for the warnings and doubts placed on my systemising at school by the teachers 4. Loose 3 CDS but retain the covers - how I do not know - mystery 5. Break open a set of magnetic poetry obtained in 2004 and leave 3 poems in the ARC 6. Wait till after rush 7. Walk to station and sit relieved on an empty train that fills much to my displeasure before leaving 8. Watch countryside pass in pink and tweet from the non stop before the tunnels marking the final run Wind  Blown    PathwayScamper   ScratchedIn browned    SoilWeaves straight Lined through     Thicket      HedgeSpurred on      By sun born spring  Whisper 9. Take same underground short cut back - not crowded so unbattered personal space survives intact 10. The number 1 same usual seat on the return train - I have 3 options I choose between 11. Short walked rain soaked unpacking my treasure     I refuse and for the first time I don't feel the weight of educationally imposed stupidity my schooling expected me to carry the rest of my life So these are the days I know I live the artist called for when I was aged 6 now Konfirmed      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Spring Summer Winter - left poem fragments Cambridge April 10th 2013   Spring   Frantic whisper recalls   sleep flooded dream   shadow symphony from   essential rock cry my beauty  above language   Summer   finger swim delirious garden a thousand   mothers watch through  their languid apparatus    your still picture   of lust   Winter    wind play smooth   movements purple   delicate goddess the true friend    how could you never stare      at me     eternity      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 S e c r e t n u m b e r o n e Portsmouth April 11th Home - wake in familiar bed but at 4:06am I take it easy - I have been with people intensively all week so far and need a break - as an artist that's possible but not easily understood by others not on the spectrum - anti-social - no - it saves my life - as it can be very waring working at social on top of concentrating creatively + the PTSD and associated depressions have messed with my tiredness capability and attention controls Life is complex with aspergers - although it makes me the artist I am - attention to detail, constant pattern finding and ability with sound sculpting plus minimalism..........it has its social costs Catch up time Spend morning in the bath - my room only had shower - I have never gotten on well with showers - well spend some of it refreshing the hot and thinking - then work on the computer catching up with admin slow. plus all morning the cat follows me everywhere - as if daring me to leave him for 3 days again Wait and prepare for important call tea Sit prepare wait life exam   then suddenly phone vibrates and is answered questions Answered revealing conversation part completed on Tuesday R   E   S   U   L   T  i m m i n e n t 5             4             3             2             1 head spin as I wait for the words to fall secret 1 revealed - my aspergers is officially Konfirmed    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Field of fragments Portsmouth April 15th   Get to sleep at 3:47am Dream of Hominid evolution             Wake at 4:55 am   Exhausted this morning but raised Had a brief break from the project over the weekend - truthfully when does an artist ever stop thinking - reasoning - conceptualising - learning from or about his work? if I am honest although I Researched in the evenings the task I set myself was left unaccomplished Bath and breakfast late               sitting tea the saviour                                within set to work from home                     my with computer on lap                        field plus cat                                                of who sets up shop next-door              fragments on the pulled away chair                   starting leave walk                                        reassembly find divide                                       of what wait called                                         once to                                                    was alive Face the future                                    but at lunchtime                                    longingly back and forth                                  since amygdala's benediction                      lost    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Multiple rites of passage - something we are good at in this country. Portsmouth April 17th   Annoyingly the pattern fulfilled and awake 3:52am Avidly avoiding Wednesday's monosubject words on radio to snooze untill 7:34 Sit Watch TV quiet streets and quiet words   Diversion one - from poetic part of project: Its becoming one of those weeks where correlations in patterns appear - a bit of a diversion from the project but today of all days the words 'rites of passage' echo true. I did watch the TV this morning - not with any hope or expectation but as a uni student of the late 70's early 80's living in South London - through bombing campaigns, strikes and protests - plus as a Navy connected family who lost a relative in the Falklands - it was a marker point - history personally - no matter what your views or politics - today was closure for many people for a multitude of reasons - rites of passages we all face at different times This last week I have had it Konfirmed that I am aspergers - not just a bit on the spectrum but certainly 'high on the scale' as it were. I was shown I was dyslexic in 1999 and this latest finding along with the EMDR has meant closure on a certain part of my life and acceptance of the new.  I had a frightening time at school - not because I couldn't or was stupid but because others couldn't understand me the way I was. The bullying I received from both staff and peer lead to hiding from drawing for at least 10 years and a lifelong ruck-sac (till now) of heavy rocks to carry. I always blamed my inability to be all that social on this but its only partly to blame it seems - I have had to learn to socialise I do not have an inbuilt view - social society - for me it does not exist - though not in the wider sense as some have said I have learnt to be social - effort but worthwhile even when I slip I also received a letter from the new head of Arts Council England, thanking me for my 5 years contribution and work as member of SE Regional council. I has been an honor to serve through a very interesting time - london 2012 - change from RFO to NPO and not forgetting impositions of Funding Review 'coping with cuts'. I have always spoken and suggested what I feel as all aspies do - but with the heart of an artist. Its more a thank-you back to ACE:SE that I was listened too, learnt and for the great art experienced and friends I made along the way inside ACE. Some of these people have or are about to leave and I know that years of KT is lost to ACE and from all of us collectivly through this - the real 'price of Cuts' but their knowledge will transfer and disseminate outwards to other organisations in the arts sector with the heart of an artist - another rite of passage for me and many others. 'energy cannot be created or destroyed - it can only be changed from one form to another'  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 s e c r e t n u m b e r t w o Portsmouth 22nd April   unwillingly awakened by vivid dreams 4 nights in a row - exhausted by thoughts and worry   So I sit slumped in the hall and look both ways to the front and side waiting for a social solstice instead i get   sun entering both windows either side                    warming                basking reflecting on loosing winters cold with                          short                       term                   memory               skin   singing: We forget easy we forget how lucky we are we forget how close we came   I have Spent a few days distracted from the essence of the project - a habituated hiatus - need - writing about the process for the REF at university plus some physical prototyping where I am Making and adding to the 5th 'case' - which leads to a telling - a letting go of secret number: Artifact 3   Artifact 1: - Konfirmation Artifact 2: - Artifact 3: A contemporary piece of serialism - music - derived from the workings of the project - premiered in London June 14th 2013 Artifact 4: - Artifact 5: -   The complication  the detail  the bigger picture at the core unforgotten always in sight but never climbed footholds Traces     written upon a wall right to left   left to right -   retrograde patterns collected and described forcibly pinned within the book of life   by a Victorian collector of butterflies colour dims     strangely as all life        fades to grey leaving ant eaten laced wings and spoil please take me take me    by the hand    and spin 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7 times in a row     till I am clean    and ready to follow   digital vs analogue - Completed piece will also be available to listen - here https://soundcloud.com/fieldoffragments... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'manipulation of the there' Portsmouth April 23rd 2013 Wake 5.22 settling in nicely to early routine again. snooze contemplating the loss in the 'fire just burning down' vivid dream while Neighbours kids are bad today - always crying.   At very least my head better today - after the disaster of yesterday best forgotten just as I did  need     Tea wash    bath          dress               lock and leave   The 'list of the day' reveals itself on pavements during the gentle but firm walk in to University - unwritten but remembered   a. Sorting admin that's out of date - slipping away b. 'Aspie staring competition' expression of interest preparation c. soundcloud editing of detail plus upload d. Forms - employ-ability and aspergers editing e. preparing for project meeting later in the week   problem seems to me  Not a load of room for making   Not a load of space for thinking    just 'manipulation of the there'     hope I have the energy to 'Last the game'   return home early Day fulfilled with interest ideas swim heat of the moment scarlet shapers fail   The evening fairs much better - settle after tea to research and practicality - synthesizer on lap - I arrange the altercations between VCO LFO and Filter  - with ramp and squares - experimentation of turn and slide - eight fingered repetitions - a discovery of a secret - almost perfect ratcheting - I am happy I have found late in the day    Space for learning    Space for making all towards the alternative analogue goal - pieces joining and coming together - evolving - presenting itself as the 14th June draws closer and I can say to myself 'I am catching up'... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'My Line drawn  - end of an era' Portsmouth - London - Portsmouth April 26th 2013 Wake 5:28 am and read emails before returning to snooze the usual tea toast bath dress pack remember routine and another unwritten list  'things to take in case they are useful'   Today = dual day SK project meeting at The Arts Catalyst Cultural Olympiad reflections at the Barbican - Last official event Train times to London considered - we leave at 9:24 on a remarkably empty train with unusually correct timings - all noted and written for the Look About documented end game. Bus on arrival - number 243 fast at first then a crawl through Hatton Garden - eventually familiar pink encourages us to ring the bell and alight - 'Bus stopping' from a slowness with a jolt Project meeting and introductions with photographes taken of pattern unseen on last visit Meeting - time slips past and list recedes into workability - the day - the advertising - the number - the people invitations - order of performance - amalgamations of 3 into 2 - movements - all planned and squared away before a startling leaving. Narrow manoeuvres in the lightened tunnel lead to the silken registration and book turned fossil treasure Its over 30 years since I worked as a temp in the Gallery filling in time after University - It was the Asger Jorn exhibition i moved within that informed me to leave the sharks behind and go home to draw. This is the 4th time I have been back. Meet people seen and new met over the last 5 years of running a Cultural Olympiad project - I have my sociability mask tied with look them in the eyes string firmly in place - I cant slip here - Greetings followed by a series of presentations from Sir Tony Hall, Maria Miller MP, Ruth Mackenzie and lastly Seb Coe then a wonderful non-sectarian plea for the fight to be taken to the treasury to make the 'case for the value of the arts' by Tessa Jowell from the floor seats fold back upright as we stand metaphoric A shared comment with aspie joke on the stairs finally fills my limit of 'the social' and a need to escape overwhelms me but . . . . . . I am rememberd A 'late escape' - break again - running round the streets on an imposed errand leads us back for the next set of talks - slightly late unconformity noted we find an 'Impassioned plea for no more silence' after the opening and closing then 'The Cultural Olympiad is over' and recordedin the note book as a single black line - unremarkable in its drawing Not for me as the Look About geological map of the CO will be worked on over Summer and launched end September My sociability mask retrieved from bag firmly placed - we take to the conservatory for beer freed talking and networking new people  new projects     and a coup            are won       before we run tinged with resigned sadness   BUS TRAIN usual seat repeat HOME to lay awake and consider the invitation as the moon unseen through cloud darkens with shadows of us            ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 I need to constantly be reminded of the feel of breaking pencil lead on paper Portsmouth April 28th   Wake at 5:27 am Tired after unwittingly freezing my phones screen switching on accessibility just after midnight and the resultant web search to find out how to alleviate the panic - finally done at 12:43... sleep listening to music on headphones hoping something of the technique will sink in Note one: Even with the Sun its still cold Not to well again Friday and yesterday - I did last most of the week but not all the game and missed events yesterday unavoidably. Lots of research on the web and practically with sound software on the Ipad though. Music I managed to find an app to create 12 tone matrices - paid - downloaded and tried - then I realised - yes I can print a neat copy or email but I missed drawing the grid and scribbling in pencil the first line - working out the coding - the maths - the reinterpretation of addition - the fear of making a mistake - the joy of correction - I confess to be disappointed by the ease this has all been taken away for just £1:49 - less than a Sunday paper I should have bought maybe.... Digital technology is great but its just another tool - an alternate pen and paper - an alternate voice or colour wheel - i need to feel the process happen - the smudges - the grip different to mouse or touch screen   touch not made through interface I need to feel the breaking of the pencil lead on paper - the spilling of paint - the slippage of rular or brush - note pressed into keybed - the alteration of voltages for me this is about feeling alive        ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Look I can control him as his dog runs amok Portsmouth 30th April   Wake at 5:42 am fresh from dreams about chalk caves, quarries and escaping rock falls - enclosed growing spaces close in - wake just before crush to find the cat sitting on me.   Tea solves the latent unwanted anxiety   Dress walk heat dust and non working traffic signals add interest to the morning attitudes I purposefully don't stop to photograph the many objects and patterns on way in unlike yesterday - hurts to walk over potential but    time appears to be slipping away In at University - Some research today and pictures into PDF format - emailed to the printers - Small expo for the Month of the Brain events at the University this month    Draw and save - import and save - export and don't save    sit            digital computer              digital computer                     digital computer                                     morning   http://www.port.ac.uk/uopnews/2013/04/05/open-your... Images from the blog will be on show along with a playing of part of the recorded 'Konfirm soundwerk' derived from MRI scan noise on the 29th May http://www.port.ac.uk/aboutus/ageingnetwork/events...   Morning rush over - break for a walk with 2 minute warning - corronation chicken and bread pudding - eaten by the fountain - goodbyes and return to finalize printing 'look I can control him' says the man as his dog runs into the station barking sit                   Computer digital            Computer digital       Computer digital     Computer digital   Computer digital  Computer digital afternoon... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'A morning of Pi and Popcorn' Portsmouth - London - Portsmouth May 1st   Not officially a project day May First list 1. Alarm wakes me for once at 6:15 2. Repack suitcase again - just to make sure 3. I hate our bathroom sink plug hole fitting - wrong 4. Sun 5. Walk to station successfully in shadow 55% Sun 45% 5. Familiar seat - usual single so no one sits next to me 6. Distracted by man who sniffs every 12-15 seconds - on at Haslemere off at Guildford 7. Arrive at Waterloo in the Sun after fast route from Guildford - station partly empty 8. Walk via Southbank and Charring Cross - Thames in colour with strong flow 9. Struck by FAB patterns in the Serpentine in the Lobby of 101 (Mozilla HQ) - some pyrite polished in floor tiles too - cant stop to examine or photograph - regrets 10. Feel welcome feel excited about the day with 'open circuit' 11. Unpack and test - fine - only second time I have tried controller with IOS software - realise one piece left behind 12. A morning of Pi and Popcorn starts 13. second to stand and talk about what digital practice means to me - show a variety of work including Look About and KS without giving too much away about 14th June.     Point one: I use digital to make those things I cant otherwise - the sounds - the images unavailable in the real world - value and capture what happens around me and represent.     Point two: Digital is an ideal 'aspergers' way of working and thinking - Transforming - manipulating - metamorphosis - starting with something to 'alter' and not a blank canvas - input action output.     Point three: We are all no self publicists with a studio in our pocket - creator - disseminator - audience participator - all without permissions and restriction. 14: Demonstrate without pressing a key in first breakout group - listening too and thinking of solving sound and interactive technology for Deaf dancers - thinking around corners. 15. Listen 16. Think 17. Lunch - vegan no chance of reactions - potato brilliant - meet CG - share commonality - digital and virtual conversation suddenly become analogue and the reality of friendship face to face is within your grasp if not your gaze 18. but its Alien to help oneself 19. afternoon presentations to absorb 20. Virtual selves 21. Dilitant nessesity 22. Maps are not neutral 23. Present the joys of Ipad IOS synthesizers at second round of tabletops 24. I call it this you call it that 25. held Within ourselves 26. Thankyous and claps 27. Leavings - no applied reason to the order of going 28. leave last so I can take pictures of floor without question 29. Sun 30. Warm walk back to Waterloo 31. Same seat as usual home - by conductor housing and First class - only one other person with me 32. Home              relief         after social day                     but I know                            I will pay                           in my dreams                                           later                                   and I do                                 when                    i     close my               eyes     Conversation    Challenge Thinking     Application Opportunity More http://shortcircuit.org.uk/blog/ http://www.slideshare.net/joverrent/jon-adams-aspi...  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Committing the rites of access' Portsmouth - Brighton - Portsmouth 2nd May Not officially a project day May Second List. 1. Wake at 3:45 in punishment for sociability 2. Snooze with Radio after cat bites me - we both are Innocent 3. Leave for train - forget trolley hidden behind picture - break 'soundmaker' as it slips from grasp - return to house and miss train by 1 minute. 4. Over arching feeling of wrongness envelopes me as I now have to break my rules and change trains un-alarmingly with a cup of tea 5. Enduring fresh sprouting rape fields (yellow brings synaesthesic fears and revulsion's) intrusions with eyes closed I tweet AvertMyEyesDon'tReturnTheirGazeAsSomePassNearSomeFarI willSlipPassedUnnoticedByShineGrownYellowAwakenedByNewSun RTs follow 6. Note in mapping book that I have Spotted train spotters at Hove just before we arrive at Brighton 7. Arrive - walk to meeting - cold Sun shines but take the direct path 8. Settle into the meeting which whilst revealing secrets not to be told adds rules to my part of the forthcoming symposium 9. Tea at lunchtime with ACE friends knowing there may not be another visit - talk about KS and June 14th 10. Loose people temporarily - scattered - but fine - feeling of loss starts to dissipates 11. More planning suggestion and observations - all unlimited in honesty and outlook - aspergers plain talking 12.Shopping for KS in the 'toy field of joy' with research observation - gathering snippits for later hibernations 13. Walk to the uncaught train 14. Imposed crowded conversation by supersocks and friends - their unpleasant joking for all to be overheard. 15. Break journey - arrive at Pallant House Gallery to collect work - conversations 16. Home to unfortunate words made before bathing - found to become insoluable with testing s l e e p c a l l i n g s l o t h          ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 I am moving so slowly yet no one notices Portsmouth May 5th Woken at 6:47 am by children nextdoor   Today is supposed to be          A Rest day            A non-thousand thought day   draw no conclusion find no pattern write about nothing   instead            A rare day            A mass moment of neural changes memory out of place lost within a recurrent dreams where my words whisper in the darkness alone faint as my lips mouth silently forming                                   mother                                   i miss                                   you   as the flowers a gently placed upon cold stones   in apology for never being able to say goodbye... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'A bridge to far' Portsmouth May 13th   Been a week since I last posted Been a difficult week since I last posted Sometimes interactions can be so tiring that they can affect you perceptions of the world around you. Yes am an artist 24/7 all be it an imperfect one but more than this I am an imperfect person too. This week has been testy - many social interactions resulting in 'close meltdowns' and hardly any recovery space which has been hard on that personal level and creative too - we all fight things in our past (or future) but although the PTSD is receding its left ADHD in its wake - Concentration is now a conscious thought rather than a natural impulse - tired I guess. The main thing is keeping going and as I now have a countdown till the performance on the 14th I cant afford to become tired or stop.   List of this last week Monday: Morning manned our BigLocal stall at church fete - toll paid rest of day for the noise and throng by hiding at home patting out the flames - I pushed myself 'a bridge to far' Tuesday: Preparing to remake Uni space in morning - Biglocal meeting at lunchtime - AA2A skype directors meeting late afternoon - prepare for tomorrow Wednesday: Project meeting about NESTA application - preparatory phone call about public realm work ready to chair a panel debate - Setting up and taking down mini neurological art show at University event in Portsmouth Guildhall - then.....Moving all my stuff (lots being sound artist too) into a usable space - finished late after some 'near misses' regarding my interacting aspergers Thursday: 5 hours of sonic 'making' with another artist for his GFTA project - we perform late June as part of Portsmouth Festivities - Sound sculpting can be hypnotic - more tiding and systemising Uni space - Home - Tea with Dad before taking him to opening of 'Storm Thorgersons' exhibition at Portsmouth Guildhall - dropping surprise of Julian Lloyd Webber concert afterwards by giving him the tickets to 'look after' nonchalantly - new to be Looking after him as he needed wheelchair to get around for the first time after a fall - hard personal feelings about this - quite a trauma in its own way - home late. Friday: Start with 'ASC' - 'Aspie Staring Competition project planning meeting - Line manager meeting to discus assessments - Emails with OH - meeting with students who will be part of ASC - great response - meeting with documentary maker for SK project and handed over 15GB of video files to be woven into the visuals for the second sound work for the 14th - more systemising of space - home late Saturday: take the toll of this weeks over working with sociability on my shoulders - one small external incident and I self combusted - rest of day in self-recovery not coping wishing isolation Sunday: all day in self-recovery   lesson learning exhaustion seems to be the price paid for over-interactionas a person with aspergers - after a twitter conversation this seems common remedy: next 2 weeks cleared the decks to record the second piece for The Arts Catalyst performance on the 14th - and some experimentation. plus post each day of the countdown      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 The Perfect Cloud Portsmouth 13th May 32 days to go a short poem twittered today about granular synthesis  ITakeMomentsOfYouSplittingSonicGrainsOfEcstasyLayeredWithinMyPerfectCloudForMicroMovementReturnNotatedBliss   Recent soundwork made with this 'perfect cloud' https://soundcloud.com/fieldoffragments/an-ecstati...  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Stray envy and Tantalus pencils Portsmouth 13th May Wake early thanks to the cat with strange dreams holding fast but have the joyful pleasure of discovered 'layouts of performance' in my mind alongside ideas for new images.....   Clearing everything for the next 2 weeks so I can record the second half of the sound work to match the video shot in Cambridge                   ana   lo   gue           seq   uen      ced ser    iali         sed    it was the Last day of PTSD treatment today - seems I have come through but not unscathed  - concentration being the loser - work from home morning - writing with OH who is 'resting' from work - or rather between 'engagements' - then leave for the session on the way I pavement spot for patterns as always - nearly late but stop after seeing something that inspires micro poem - tweet   Stranded   Pink  OnGrey  Half ConsumedSushi  Lays FeastedUponBy Former  Soldiers   IntentOn Returning  Full   As    Ant     Fish      SavioursHomewardBound   Pleased at USA RT's I'm home later than expected - artists admin rather than 'creating' for the rest of the afternoon   I type envious of the pencil spotted hiding on the floor under the table its black and yellow outline     a 'tantalus'         seemingly to draw further    back into the shadow as I     mentally       repeatedly pick it up and roll its potential between my fingers... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 Expensive Tissue Hypothesis in an age of austerity Portsmouth 14th May 31 days to go Woken early by the cat finding a purr place between us Spend morning on last catch up for admin and some research - now I am free to work on the 'final' sound for next 10 days straight - annoyed its raining - leave to head to 'month of the brain event' - showing Konfirm images today and an audience member for the 3 talks Arrive early at the Guildhall as McFly are rehearsing in the main hall - q of teens outside oblivious   list 2:11pm - 5:07pm   Walk in rain Set up images on black clothed boards Choose place then move to another table Talk to another attendee about fearful patterns Eat a scone complete with cream and jam Photograph orange on the table Move carpet fluff away from my feet Listen  question   pay attention     to the talks Exhibiting the brain (Dr. Marius Kwint, School of Art, Design, & Media) The evolution of the human brain (Dr. Bridget Waller, Department of Psychology) make comprehensive notes all way through lost in another direction project can take break - go on line on my own How the brain interprets the world (Dr. James Ost, Department of Psychology)  realize its over too soon take apple as instructed fight way past teens walk in rain     Is there any comfort in knowing our 'social' brains developed for and are most comfortably developed for groups of up to 150 friends where does that leave me with my 'aspergers' brain? I will take some time and sit on my own to c             o                    n                           s                                  id                                           e                                                    r              ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 The library of fearful pattern Portsmouth - Brighton - Portsmouth   Patch      worked Yellow   Knife       edge Strip   Seen  Less       if      I Sit          Low           in my                  seat and  peer    Over        the             window                      edge from       my           imposed                      ledge    accessing             that               growing       library   of     fearful              pattern  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 'Embrace me - pass through me - leave me' Portsmouth 17th may 28 days Coming back on the train the other day I have to close my eyes but can feel my skin burning invaded by the 'shine' intensity - i can taste - feel it touch me - pass through me like Xrays I'm not sure what it is about yellow that scares me so much - its always been that way from an early age - fearful yellow raincoat that when locked inside gave me protection as well as headache It makes me feel quite ill and have used this to a fashion in my early artwork including the Turbine Hall day installation of line and sound in 2008 synaestheia seems to be more 'available' to people with aspergers (spell check wishes to change to upsurges) it seems - never knew the name till a few years ago -  (spell check wanted to change this to sunbather) ironic considering what the Tate piece was about - i wouldn't have it any other way - as I taste and feel sound as 3D object- sound is important as raw material in my work for the project   I wrap      my arms         around its    self-contained potential  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871 I systemize therefore I am Portsmouth May 17th 27 days     Wake     early        from             dreams of    I                    collection         Hoard                       order       Memories                      and place like empty wrappers strewn upon a well walked passageway between tottering library landslides of moments ready to slide at any minor movement cutting off any retreat that may be possible at all                   Friday                 spend time answering               spend time emailing               pend time thinking            spend time visiting          spend time crying s      spend time alone su   spend time suspend time    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871