http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 This year's progress Thu, 09 Sep 2010 13:04:32 +0000 a-n rss generator a-n The Artists Information Company and contributors edit@a-n.co.uk technical@a-n.co.uk http://www.a-n.co.uk/img/logo.gif http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 I have started this year looking towards my main focus, that of pushing my work as much as I can and becoming as seen by as wider a variety of people as I can, to gain a diversity of responses that is challenging to my making and the ideas behind it.   First Exhibition of the Year: ‘Electric Blue’ Opening 12th March 08  My first focus is a group exhibition that I am part of that is being held in March at the Barge House on the South bank in London. It is being organised by a good friend of mine who studied Fine Art with me at University.  Titled ‘Electric Blue’, the show will feature work that is engaging and interacts with our senses in a variety of different ways. The piece that I plan to construct for the exhibition is a 3d/2d drawn installation piece depicting the image of a domestic scene.  The challenge is the nature of the space, as it is a 3 storey warehouse building with rough brick walls and bad lighting. I have started constructing the piece in my lovely, white, bright studio space and am thinking about how it will translate into the gritty nature of the Barge House. I am trying to balance between keeping the feel of the piece, and practicality of constructing it, to letting the building become part of the work. I don’t want to mask the building out of the piece but let environment and work interrupt each others existence for the short time of the exhibition.  My concern for my own work in this exhibition is that it will be over powered by the space. My work has a fragility about it that I hope doesn’t get lost within the heaviness and robustness of this solid building. I’m really hoping the contrast will be a success.    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 My week consists of three days at my part-time job, which helps pay the bills and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday working in the art studio at the Digswell Arts Trust.  Last week the value of the trust really highlighted itself to me. Wednesday I got chatting to one of the other fellow’s who has been there for 5 years and is leaving in March due to the length of his time with the Trust being up. He earns his money making canvases for other local artists in his studio space alongside making his own work. After March when he looses this space he will have to find another place to continue making canvases and his artwork.  We are all aware that this support is temporary and that it should be treated as a platform for us to then go on to become self-sufficient, but it still feels like a blow when someone goes and you see the struggles they face.  Last week I have been continuing working on my piece for the barge house exhibition. I have been working on a perspective 3d/2d drawing. It has given me a few technical problems that I couldn’t see past for looking. Luckily, I could go to another fellow and get advice and discuss. It feels so much like a supporting network between us all. It isn’t exactly all happy families but we definitely can identify with each others exasperations sometimes.  I do feel like if I start going down that route of…what am I doing this for? I’m getting no where. Everything is crap! I can usually have a conversation with someone who can give me a bit of perspective (quite literally) and help me focus on the issue.   Another fellow who is leaving because of not using the space due to illness also came in to collect her things. She said she will be working at her home now, but I feel for her because I do feel that isolation is the biggest hurdle for an artist.   This week’s focus is working on this perspective piece and looking at different alternatives for ways to present it in the space. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 This week’s activity:   I’ve been continuing to construct my installation drawing piece.  I’m pleased with how it’s coming along in my studio space but still anxious about how it’s going to work in the Barge House space. It feels almost impossible to envisage. Wednesday I’m going down to visit the space and discuss with Rita where the best place for it might be. Then I will have more of an idea of what will work and what might need working on more. I expect the space to affect the space but the uncertainty is always slightly unnerving.   So far, the response from fellow Digswell artists has been encouraging and interested. I feel doing this piece has really focused my ideas in the representation of space through drawing and the simplicity of line, altering our vision and referring to somewhere else. I have found out a lot about perspective and how all the lines relate to each other, I has not been possible to just make it by judgement of the eye like when you draw space on a manageable sheet of paper. I have had to apply certain technical rules all the way through to keep it visually working…measuring, re-measuring, standing back, altering and so on. It's a very different drawing experience, it’s all stop-start and no flow. It builds up very slowly and quite often I don’t spot a mistake until I have done a good few lines from the wrong one and then discover the last days work needs correcting.  It is an illusion but does not hide what it really is and this seems to be what builds up the tension of the image. The permanent static drawn line which you expect to be solid is the thing that bends and distorts the piece. It makes the viewer aware of the feel of real space and illusion of space represented. Photographing it then does another strange thing because it all becomes less clear what’s happening, as it all becomes 2d again. One space is laid upon another and flattened. The photographic progress changes the experience of the piece completely. It almost makes the drawn space more real.   I am also going to build it up as more of an environment by extending it both within the wall and further into the actual physical space. As I’m working on it and seeing it emerge, lots of other ideas keep occurring in my head of things that I want to try next. I feel like I come away from the studio with nothing else on my mind but where is this going next? The questions keep surfacing.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Bargehouse Visit: 7th February 2008  I met Rita at the Bargehouse at about 12pm. We walked round and she talked through her initial plans for how she thinks it will all go together and where she will be placing the different art works. We had a few ideas for me but there are a lot of obstacles with all the spaces. She left me to go round on my own, take some photos and think through how my piece might translate into the various different spaces.  The Building  With its four floors ranging from white washed brick, up to dark, dingy spaces with boarded up windows and fire damaged ceilings you feel a million miles away from the corporate and business developments of the area within which it stands and are thrown back to the past and the sites history. It has layers of it housed within the walls, with its vast empty spaces and eerie silence. The higher up you get the further away from a typical gallery space it is.  I find it such an exciting location that is just crying out to be utilised. There is so much to discover and explore. At 2pm a few other artists arrived to meet Rita and look round the building. It was the first time some of them had even been to the space so think it was a bit of a shock. I think the size of the building is the first thing that hits you, then its roughness. We all feel very excited about this opportunity to use this building and can’t wait to get our teeth in to the project! Finding a space  I came to a decision with Rita to where I will be constructing my installation so went home feeling much happier, knowing that I had a real mission. It is in one of the more gallery type spaces with white walls, so have decided that using my own walls shouldn’t interrupt with the feel of the space and instead I am confident it will incorporate within it.  Next stage of making  Having the actual dimensions and nature of the space, I feel I can storm ahead making decisions and get on with the next stage of constructing the piece with a new confidence and excitement. Now is the time to get the practical planning right and try to predict obstacles that may arise with the construction.   Rita sent me through a copy of the invites and posters today to proof read. They are looking good and I think they present the show very well. It’s all starting to get really exciting to see it all emerging. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 I have been continuing with the drawing part of my installation, transfering the image from the studio wall on to the boards that will be installed at the Bargehouse.The weeks seem to be flying by...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather this week. The times going faster and faster and I feel I still have so much to do. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I organise and plan, I still feel anxious. I can’t be in the studio today as I’m at work, so feel frustrated wanting to just be getting on. I’m sitting here listening to a discussion on the radio about anti-depressants. Everyone is so sad.  I’m finding it hard at the moment to focus my ideas. I am trying to write an updated artist statement, I have so many old ones but things are always changing in my head. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to think about everything at once. What is my work really about?  I sat on my bed last night writing random thoughts in between having dinner and going down to continue with my website. Something like this…. Object-without meaningMeaning-without objectSignals. sculpture without surfaceSolid object/solid personDying object/dying personVoid filled/void emptiedVulnerability containing powerObjects?   Thought it might help. Once written down it might make sense… it didn’t. Previously that evening I had been talking with my boyfriend about the Children’s home in Jersey and what now that building had become. Was what had happened in there been left in there. I don’t mean in the ghost sense but more in the space and what it remembers through what people now know. If two time frames could be pushed together how would the space exist? Overlapped? Previous to this we were telling old ghost stories that I use to go round school as kid. They sounded so stupid coming out of my 25 year old mouth, but something still exists in them that conjure up the original fear and excitement ( www.christinabryant.co.uk ) ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 This is the last week before the Bargehouse exhibition. I set up my piece in my studio last Friday so that I could set back and contemplate it, consider what might not work and really to help me answer a question screaming at me constantly...Is this any good? And more importantly is it interesting? I have become so involved, so consumed by it, spending most of my time building, nurturing and bringing it in to being, that judging it is like judging my whole worth as an artist, and extremely melodramatically, my life.   However, amongst all this worry and anxiety I am actually hugely excited. It's a welling up inside of me that have built up since I have been working towards this piece. It's an unexplainable buzz- what a selfish act it is to be an artist, it feels so self indulgent. I pay out constantly for everything, materials, transport, time etc but somehow the financial side of it worries me the least of all at the moment. I sometimes stop and think, should I be worrying more about practical things in life? Pensions, mortgages, savings etc, but nothing has a point to it unless you create one. I see a point in me doing this, any other way and I would be unhappy and I believe exploring this way is a valid process. It is so unpredictable and allows continual amazement. It keeps me unsteady in my thoughts and my views and this is where I feel most comfortable. I enjoy looking at my work and thinking what it makes me feel/think. It has made me think about how we represent something. How an environment can be drawn, and why it should be? How complex the experience of looking and response is, how it is so reliant on us being us, our experiences being similar to the others. It's this personal, yet not, that is intriguing. We seem isolated by our personal backgrounds yet linked by them. Recognising something seems so programmed, so scientific, so categorised, so beyond our own ability to be truly aware of the reality of the experience. It's like being blinded by our own humanness. The image can never be separated from the person. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321   A week in to the Bargehouse exhibition.  Setting up thankfully went without too much of a hitch. By the time the opening came round though it was difficult to relax and feel one way or another about the piece. Having been building up to it and thinking about it so much for a good few months I found myself thrown into an abstract feeling of relief and dread. ‘I love the piece' was said to me a few times and my paranoid voice silently replied ‘No you don't/ It's rubbish' I draw this thought back in and smiled to say ‘thanks'  I did have good feedback that I genuinely believed but what I enjoyed most was moments when people said how they felt about it and refered to the piece specifically. There was much encouraging responses when I could fight back my paranoid self. I did manage to see Yara from the Red Gate Gallery where I plan to exhibit in May. It was very helpful to discuss this piece and how it might be constructed at her gallery. I feel like looking forward to the next is the most comfortable feeling for me now.  Next week I am invigilating at the Bargehouse and am looking forward to some thinking time around my piece and the others in the show. I have a friend coming to take photos of it this week as well so I'm also really excited about seeing someone else's approach towards it.       ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Two weeks into the show and yesterday I spent the day in and around the Bargehouse listening to peoples responses and chatting to people about my work and the show as a whole. It was great to sit by my work as an invigilator and be like an invisible bystander as people approached and honestly responded to what they where seeing. It was nerve wracking, hearing parents explaining to their children, people coming to their own conclusions really quickly, some people barely acknowledging it and some people really excited by what they where seeing, and really taking the time to explore how it works. It was difficult to not start explaining things to soon and not allowing them to experience the piece without being told anything.  I rotated round the gallery, spending a bit of time by other artists work and contemplating how people were finding the rest of the exhibition. Lots of people where really spending time working hard to look and take something from most of the work. It seemed to average out at about 30mins for each person spending in the exhibition. We had about 250 people yesterday and 400 on Good Friday, which feels incredible! I also got to look at the photos that have been taken of my piece and discuss a little with the Photographer how it was for him taking then. This has been really helpful because the problems with floor and wall not being the same colour is something that has been bothering me but it almost took someone else to mention it for me to acknowledge it. I realise now that I should have worked harder at doing something about this and that a lot is lost by this problem. I am excited more than disappointed by this blunder because I can make sure that when I next construct it I will work harder at the things I know affect the piece. I will be more conscious of the way it's lit and the physicality's of the space. Big lesson learnt!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321   Last Sunday the Bargehouse exhibition ended. I spent the day around the show and had some really interesting discussions with visitors on that last day. Specifically memorable was a blind group that Rita had invited to the show. I was around photographing my work as they went round and therefore could discuss what my I was exploring and could get feedback. After they had been round there was a conference organised where they could discuss the show between each other and we were able to sit in and contribute to the discussion. It was a very positive activity and allowed me to really think about how art can be experienced in other ways. I had positive feedback from them and found it so interesting that for a piece that is completely about how we see things, someone with no sight could get an affect from it. It did provoke a long discussion about how we experience things and how it is changed when we don't have a particular sense. How does in restrict the perception of something and how does it heighten it? Since last week I have started working for the next exhibition, ‘Living Space' at the Red Gate Gallery in Brixton. I made a visit to the gallery on Wednesday. It is just me on my own this time which as well as being daunting is also very exciting, allowing me to have more control over how and what I show.  Also going on at the moment is a feeling of shifting at the Digswell Arts Trust with the fellows. After a round of interviews for the vacant spaces things have been thrown up in the air with a real clash of views between fellows and trustees, which highlights some serious problems. I won't go in to too much detail at such a sensitive time but we have a fellows meeting on Tuesday to gauge how all artists are feeling and what we think needs to be addressed. It comes after a time where we were feeling that things were picking up. I am eager for us to use the momentum of late while it is still with us to push the Digswell forward, as many of us believe it so desperately needs.  Time and energy will tell.....  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321  Digswell fellows meeting, was positive. We seem to all agree on the fact that things do need to change quite drastically for the Digswell to survive and for it to gain some kind of reputation within the art world. A lot of what was said was answers to how we could move forward instead of just moaning about how things are now. We have a kind of action plan and conveniently have a Trustees meeting coming up on the 22nd April where we will put forward our ideas for changes.  It really made me realise that it is actually the fellow's responsibility to be proactive and positive about the trust. We have all been for too long sitting back and expecting to just be part of a group and not building the group. We should have been putting in the time and energy to direct activities that build on the trusts development. I guess better late than never is the key now.  A side from this my work towards the Red Gate Gallery exhibition feels slow. I have been trying to not finalise anything and just continue with my work so when it comes round to the pieces I put in they are fresh and exciting. I don't want to fall comfortably in to doing and not focus on the ideas that I am dealing with. It's a balance between staying focused but not be tempted to conclude things. I need to remain playful with my exploration and allow the questions to keep coming.  I can feel pressure mounting in my head at the moment. I got that awful feeling of dread this morning that I hadn't felt so much recently. Think it's a combination of everything building. I'm never comfortable with stress but shying away from it won't get me anywhere. I'm hoping that a hardening in me will happen or maybe just getting use to it as a way of life. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Back in the studio for this week, so have a few things planned... or trying to have a focused plan anyway. There are some new artists moving in this week so new faces around to meet and greet. One woman who is in the process of moving her stuff in is in the middle of her MA at Goldsmiths. It was good to talk to her about what it is like there and how she is finding the course. I have started to think about doing an MA in the future, possibly when my time at Digswell has ended, so I have been trying to gauge feedback from artists who are or have done one and what they thought/think of it and how it has help their practice.   I'm not sure how I feel about doing an MA. I would love to get back into the whole process of gaining good critical feedback on a regular basis and discussing and debating ideas, gaining knowledge and building on my practice, but it's the institution idea that I'm less keen on. I think I need to think on it all a bit more and definitely explore the different courses available. At the moment I feel like the experience I am gaining by being more independent is valuable in helping me find my own way a little. I felt blind when I came out of University.... tumbling down off of a huge cliff with no idea how to be what I was ‘an artist' with just a vibrating in my head of what I'd learnt in the last 4 years. I only very slowly now am starting to get a feel for my place as an artist and to stand up for myself and my ideas in this field.   I have been continuing with my work for the Red Gate Gallery, looking at ways of presenting a new piece I have on the go. Can't decide yet if I love it or hate it or even worse something in between. It may be for the show or for the bin!     ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321  Started out his week thinking I had a long week to get on in the studio, working on my pieces for the upcoming show. It hasn't quite ended up that way. I've been asked to work an extra day at the gallery and felt I couldn't say no after last week getting a letter telling me my studio rent is going up in May and then again in August, plus a letter reminding me how much my student loan currently stands at and another telling me how much I will be taken out of my account for my car insurance. Next few weeks comes it's MOT and the final payment to the Red Gate Gallery, Van hire, materials, etc, etc, etc............it is endless.......... Unsurprisingly I agreed to do the extra day.  So I've tried to use my time productively, hunting out new opportunities that I might apply for, scanning through MA course descriptions, reading recent articles that might be of interested and so on. I feel a little bit like I'm going blind after such a long day starring at a computer screen and not sure if writing this is the answer, but I'll blink on watery eyed and squinting.  Tonight I'm off to the first of a ten session digital photography course with North Herts College. Hoping to brush up and extend my knowledge further. I seem to be using photography such a lot now so I feel that I need to be clearer with the technical side of it.  While I've been sitting in the shop today, I have had new ideas come in to my head that I want to try out when I get the chance. I have started to think about the building up of a drawing as a performance. How the physical doing relates to the images in the end. Planning/adapting/interpreting/altering as it builds up. Have also thought about the scale of my pieces how making smaller/larger and how this will affect how they are viewed. Also, fragmenting an image/changing perspective/partially distorting etc. I really need to get on and play with these ideas.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321   This week I have been trying to plan the show out thoroughly in my head to give me an idea of what I've got time to do in the short time left. (I was out of action for beginning of week due to wisdom tooth removal- life can be so inconvenient sometimes!)    I am getting one of my photographs printed so that I can decide how I'm going to show them size/framing/number etc. I'm also trying to work out how much room I've comfortably got so it is a well balanced space. The initial invites are going out this week. It is very exciting at this point but I feel extremely tense. Worst case scenarios are going through my head...no one turns up, I'm not happy with it, people don't like it etc...etc.... anyway, can't worry about that now. I am confident, just a bit apprehensively confident. I feel that my work speaks for itself and will see me through it. (But everyone sees through different eyes and has different expectations) I am realising that it is so important to accept that there will always be people who don't like what I do or don't see why, but the sooner I swallow and digest that fact the more likely that I will last and not be intimidated out of this occupation. I've always imagined that you need to be tough skinned to be an artist, but I know I can't be. I feel every response to my work severely, but I do feel that I have a recovery method that keeps me going, a momentum that moves me forward. It's a simple desire to progress and find out more.         ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321   Two weeks until the show opens. If anything I'm calmer than the week before. My photos are on their way and the frames are ready and waiting. The main installation piece is almost ready to wrap up and get ready for transport, the van is hired, first emails and post invites have gone out. Am I nearly there? I have four full days in the studio this week so hoping to continue playing with a piece I've got on the go and try to decide if it will be included in the show.  I now want to start thinking about what I'm going to do after the show. I've started to look for other opportunities to apply for, I feel like I work better when I have something in the pipe-line to keep me working to a deadline. I hope the show will give me further opportunities, but have to keep the momentum up. With regards to the Digswell's development,- following the Trustees meeting where the future of the Trust was only discussed briefly, it was decided by one of the Trustees that we needed to hold a development meeting specifically to discuss the issues that us artists have been raising. So far it just feels like meeting after meeting and I really hope these meetings will lead on to something much more. I am hopeful though that by these long standing, unspoken issues finally being brought forward, it will lead to them being addressed. It appears that what has really highlighted itself in all this is that there seems to be a big divide between artists and trustees but the dialogue has begun which can only have a positive affect...surely?      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Well, crunch time! Setting up tomorrow and feeling really excited. It will be a late night setting up Thursday night but hoping to get it all done in one go so that Friday I can relax a bit and get ready for the evening. I am so excited about seeing the pieces up and presented in the way I have been visualizing them for a long time now.  I am confident that the show will come together well and that the pieces will work with each other. I have thought so much about what it is all about and how it will be read and now I can only hope that I have done a good job! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Three days later..... it was really hard work! Harder than I imagined. Funny how quickly I forgot the last time and how tiring it is setting up and getting it all organised, but now that it is up I'm starting to forget the stress and worry again. At least that way I can look to the next thing!Thursday was a very long day. We couldn't start until gone 5pm, so there was a lot of waiting around and then a mad rush. I tried to remain really calm and pace myself but we had a few problems with putting the boards up because of an uneven floor, so tensions rose quite quickly.It was silly, the things that cause the trouble and slow you down are always the things you don't expect (an awkward screw took about half an hour and a lot of swearing) Also, looking at the installation when we finally got it up I quickly realised that the floor we had bought wasn't big enough and we would have to get more. This meant coming back earlier the following day and doing a last minute lay and paint job. At 11pm and a two hour drive ahead of us this seemed like a real nightmare. (hard to remain reasonable when you are as tired as we were) We drove home in the middle of the night watery eyed, starring into space, having not eaten a meal and I don't know about Quintin but I was definately thinking... 'why do I do this?' He must of been thinking 'How?... how did I end up as an artist assistant? Did I apply for this job?'We had a funny half sleep, breakfast, a dash over to visit my dad to get some more flooring, packed the car and made our way back down to Brixton. I won't describe all the events that followed, just that it was emotional but we got it done... paint only a little wet at opening time!I guess it would be a slight understatement to suggest I got alittle stressed, but I can now say everything went fine and I am so pleased to see it finished. It looks great in the space. The gallery has a fantastic feel to it which really compliments my work. This week I'm back at work and having a bit of time off from the studio. What a whirlwind week!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321   The exhibition came down last week...strange feeling, but I'm now concentrating on the next step. I have a few things that are slowly coming through. I have a meeting on the 18th June with the curator from the C4RD in Highbury, which I was really excited to hear back from as looking in to the gallery I feel it would be a really relevant place to show my work. If and when and how it happens are still to be finalised. It is likely to be end of year or beginning of next. Also, hoping to be part of a group show at the Surface Gallery in Nottingham some time this year but that also is waiting to be finalised. I am therefore still applying and looking and most importantly working. The Red Gate exhibition was in terms of my study a very valuable journey. I guess everything that an artist does, the challenges they set themselves, the pressure they place upon themselves, affects the outcomes in their work. Working in the set time frame, looking forward to and considering the presentation all pushed me to make important, essential decisions. I don't think I necessarily perform my best under a lot of pressure but I do think my mechanism for dealing with it does do something to the way I create. My concentration in what I am making and why I am doing it becomes so focused, that it diverts  from other peoples or even my own expectation. What I start out imagining I will end up with seems to transform and develop so rapidly.  It feels almost like recklessness (not a lack of caring, but a freedom), letting split second ideas come through, just to see what they do, that shifts everything away from a resolve. It's hard to explain, think this is the best I can do for now.     I wrote this post once, then accidentally deleted it. Having to re-write and remember the original flow is impossible. I guess there is always something special in the spontaneity of thoughts and a flatness that cannot be avoided when consciously trying to recreate them.  (oh well, that's life I guess)      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 I've been particularly busy this week, beginning it off by re-doing my website, it started off as a little brush up on things but turned into a massive change around that seemed to have taken ages!Today I had a meeting at C4RD in Highbury. I am so pleased to be getting involved with this gallery. Chatting to the assistant curator about how the gallery works and what it's aims are was wonderful. 'to create a space for drawing' was one thing he said that I thought was inspiring. It is such a simple way of putting it but so refreshing. 'Making space' to do these things is so important in creating ideas. It's only a reasonably small space (prob similar to your average sitting room) over looking the railway line but it was enough to fill me with excitement at the prospect of working in it. I had sent my images through and a little explanation of what I do to them a couple of weeks ago and they got back to me shortly after suggesting I might do something for the beginning of next year, so that is when it will be. They don't deal with selling work and don't charge for the use of the space. Also, it seems pretty relaxed about the time I have to set up. It will be a site-specific piece so therefore I am given a resonable amount of time actually making in the space. This is excellent news considering the difficulties I've had with time scales recently. It is like a ideal project for me. I am so pleased that I have been given this opportunity and also pleased I have such a good amount of time to consider how my ideas will progress as I see the project through. It will mean that my work will be shown in a gallery that is focused on what is so central to my own study. I am so interested in thier approach to drawing and the dedication to pushing it forward and challenging the preconceived notions about what drawing can be. If you can't already tell by this post....I'm excited! Also, sent off my entry form for the Jerwood drawing prize. So lots to think about at the moment!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 I haven't been to the studio for over a week as I've been doing over time at work so feeling a bit behind things. This week I've got to finish my piece for the Jerwood and think about sending off my entry for the Surface Gallery open exhibition. I hate spending this much time away from doing my work. I did bring some home and have been fitting it in around work but it is very frustrating, especially when the shop is so quiet and I feel like I'm just hanging around all day. One of my old uni friends is going in for the Jerwood as well. It is the first time either of us have entered so it's really hard to gauge how likely we are to get in. It's always worth a try though I guess. He was feeling down when we spoke because he had not had any success with the acme funding. All this searchng, applying, putting yourself forward, it's pretty hard to take when you care so much about what you're doing but it can't be plain sailing. Failure is character building, isn't that what they say?  It makes sure you believe in yourself though because if you weren't convinced yourself, I think you would find something else to do before long.  Just getting on with it, seems the best thing we can do at the moment. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 This last week has been a very busy one. After being away from my artwork for a week I had four days to get my piece for the Jerwood drawing prize entry finished. I bought it home so I could get on with it at every avaliable minute and it did turn into a hazy four day stint, getting out of bed, straight down stairs picking up again what I felt like I had only just put down at 11-12 the previous evening. Back ache and sore fingers, it was an intensive stretch. I felt the pressure of time closing in and by the third and fourth day I would hardly stop for a drink or the toilet!But it did get done and although there are some things I wish I could have spent more time on, I am pleased with it. It was my second house drawing and I have made some real changes compared to how I made the original one. I used thinner material and made it bigger. I also had decided to make my childhood home, which I was reluctant to do before. I think this was because I thought it might make it too personal but that was silly really, it seems houses are personal. They build a relationship with you as much as you with them. I found it intersting to see how all the different spaces which evoked different memories and associations in me, became a jigsaw, fitting together and making each space possible...how the gap over the stairs became part of my mum and dads room, how the chimney pushed into my room, how my room breathed in it's width to give my sister a little more room in her tiny little bedroom and how the old space under the stairs where the dogs used to sleep, backed on to the back of the fire so they could have a little extra warmth. Mapping this space made these thoughts rife within me. So now that is done and out of my hands I am getting my submission for the Surface Gallery ready. I hate waiting to hear about things, I am pretty desperate for a diversion from my internal analyzing of what I did and how it might be received. It is agony and completely pointless, so as I feel is the only answer to my fear of the judgement...I move on to the next application.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 part two...I then continue, ‘houses not actually as rough as I would of thought for this side of town.’ As I approach I scan the row of shops…hairdressers ‘Shall I just go in and get it all cut off?’, Tanning shop….’Oh I need a tan’, Haberdasheries, ‘I don’t believe it…I traipsed all over town the other week looking for a place that sells thread, well must remember for future’ and then nisa for my milk. Wander round, get my milk, bump into a lady, ‘Oh sorry’, she too says sorry like it was her fault but it was clearly mine. Wait at the till for a lady with a young boy to be served. Another woman chats to her just off from the till….’Does she know her?’ ‘Is she mad?’ They discuss having their kids at home for the summer…’what a pain’ the boy makes some brum noise, taking no notice of the fact that his pain in the arse presence is being discussed. The lady serving smiles a lot and shows agreement at the conversation. The other woman leaves…abruptly it seems. I see her walking away muttering to herself (definitely bit nuts!) The lady finishes and takes her stuff and off she goes. My turn… Asks me ‘would you like a bag?’ ‘No’ I feel a little sense of pride. I give the exact money and feel a little more pride. 51p…and I’ve got it exactly. (go me!) She calls me darling and seems so happy at her place in life. I reflect on this as I leave. ‘How are some people so content with what they have?’ I feel it’s admirable…is it? Heading back with a cold finger around the handle of my milk I feel something like achievement, yet don’t acknowledge it really. A man chats to a couple walking in front…’does he know them? Is he mad? He doesn’t look it.’ He gets nearer to passing me; I don’t know whether to say hello or not. ‘Will it make me feel good?’ He bounds by, looks and says ‘milky!, milky!’ I laugh and that’s it…I’m a bit stunned actually, but it genuinely makes me smile. I carry on down to the park. There’s the man with the grey hound coming back out. ‘Shall I smile at him?’ I half look, half not. Suddenly he blurts out…’All that way for milk, and you could of had it delivered to your door!’ I laugh and that’s it, thinking inside…’what? and miss all this?!’ ‘It’s not about the milk really is it?’ Isn’t it the journey? I reflect on something connected to the Jerwood Drawing prize and my failure to get in. ‘It’s not about getting in but the journey’   You find consolation in the strangest places if you really need to. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 My trip to the shops for milk.Part one  I didn’t think such a trip could be so poignant, well it wasn’t really but it captured me enough to sit here and remember it.   I pulled up at the studio this morning to find it pretty much as I was expecting: locked, empty and deathly quiet. Coming in the front doors I had the usual pause as I contemplated my next steps – straight up to my studio space?, through into the kitchen? or stop by at the computer room? I contemplate it every time but actually everyday usually runs the same. Switch computer on, then through to the kitchen to make a cuppa while it’s starting up, but annoyingly, although not uncommonly I find no milk. What is very rare is the absence of the three days out of date, sickly sweet, and sends your throat into spasms as you take a whiff one. So my day begins refreshingly absent of the sniff test.   Following this, back in the computer room, spinning the stiff old chair into position I carry on with my next step, tea-less. User name, connect to internet….dial (should we still be ‘dialling’? Isn’t dial-up years old?) Anyway, waiting…50/50 chance, and no ‘error 507 port blah, blah, blah not detected, blah, blah, blah….redial?’ I know that from experience restart is my only option. Restart….whilst I sit and stare at it. Typically, I feel like this morning is going to be a non-starter, 10am already…….. ok check yahoo (no mail), check other email (no mail), check Facebook (one go on Scrabulous to take, so take)   Then my turning point comes…I decide to head for the shops at a leisurely pace, clear my head and start the whole morning again when I get back. Off I go…  The weather is perfect (or just how I like it). No wind or even a breeze, just warmth that is so light you can’t feel you’re outside. I could almost put my slippers on and be in my living room, perfect weather for taking my time and thinking. I trundle a long, there are a few people over at the park as I walk through, lady on the far side walking her dog, man at the far side just entering from the other side. As I pass him I pay particular attention to the dog. A grey hound-‘rescued I wonder’, then strangely think, I wonder if this man lives like a slob, I bet his house is a mess (maybe because of him being largely over weight) what an assumption?!!! (continued on previous post)...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 It feels a while since I last entered a post on my blog....it's a difficult time of year for getting work done. My boyfriend is a teacher so has the whole of August off, I find myself torn between spending time at the studio and spending time helping him with things at home. I always seem to be busy and he always seems to be doing things on his own. I feel guilty not helping out around the house and then guilty not working! I felt a little rubbish after getting turned down for the Jerwood and also the Surface Gallery are confusing me with not putting my piece into their Open Exhibition but telling me that they have not rejected my work but would like to put it in a show later in the year. It feels very frustrating- not really knowing. I am just carrying on focusing myself as much as I can. I woke up last night thinking about the C4RD exhibition and what I will do for it. I have had a few ideas but really had doubts about carrying them out, but like a bolt of lightning I made up my mind last night. I have had an idea for a piece that I have wanted to do for a while but not had the right space to do it but thinking about the room I have for this exhibtion I think it is perfect for it. I got really excited and wanted to get up and start plans for it right away. Subsequently, I didn't get back to sleep for hours!I have a good few days in the studio this week and some set things I need to get done. We have started our plans for our Digswell open studios event for this September. I have the responsiblity of doing the organising of the event so have been working on trying to get fellows involved and fired up. It is also a difficult time of year for trying to organising groups of people because they're all going off on holiday at various different times. I really hope this will be a successful event that will bring us together and produce some interesting work. I hope this will become an annual big event in Digswell's calender.   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 August has flown by. Last day of the month and 12 days to go until our Digswell Open Studios. I've been trying to balance getting things organised and getting my own work done. At times I feel really confident about the piece I've planned, at others the doubt seeps in. I guess nothing is without doubt and that's a good enough reason to try things out. I'm thinking if I was too certain about something then there would hardly be a point in doing it. I am in the process of building this semi-transparent mini house for me to sit in when I do my drawing; it's like building a shelter for the night, making me seperate from the whole event. Will I feel protected by it or will I feel conscious of being on show? It seems to be playing on these two sides...the anxiety of being the piece and the protection of being seperate from the viewers. It feels scary but I know whatever happens it will be interesting for me. The organisation aspect has been a fantastic process of learning and such a good way to get closer to the other fellows. It has been frustrating trying to fire everyone up and get final decisions but so enjoyable to be this proactive. I love this feeling that with enough drive you can get things to happen, even if they are only small, it's a start and gets us discussing our issues. Next week is clean up of the studios and preping them for hanging. I'm actually really looking forward to the mundane task of it- it sounds cheesey but it's something we can all do together and that's a rare event!  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Last week was excellent. We managed to do most of the clearing and cleaning and saw the improvements instantly. We have been at this site for three years and have really neglected it. It has been treated as just a building, ignored and neglected. A space we just used and paid little attention to, like a dead space. The more dirty and unkempt it got the more respect we lost for it and therefore it seems to have spiralled. It was filthy. But not anymore. We scrubbed on our hands and knees, cleaned out the cupboards, dusted! polished! I can hardly believe it. There was such a sense of achievement at the end of the week and we felt much more of a group. It is funny how simple things like that can have a massive affect on morale. It was like a big step in taking control. Apart from this we had a chat with the chairman of the trustees on Friday. We arranged for him to come down and discuss giving a presentation to local businesses both big and small, to demonstrate to them what we do and explain our ideas and how it could hold benefits for them.  This was a really positive meeting not only in terms of the presentation but also for the dialogue we had with a Trustee. This was very encouraging and allowed us to exchange things that are going on and thoughts that we have. I think he was delighted to hear what we had to say and we were also, to hear his ideas. We really did appreciate the effort and openness to which he chatted with us. He showed real support for us and the growth of the trust.  I believe it left us with a real sense of hope of things to come. Perfect timing with the Launch on Friday.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 The lead up to the launch on Friday was busy. I finished my piece ready for my performance by the Tuesday but the rest of the week was filled with organising the hanging of the other work. We had three performances, five 3d pieces and a very limited amount of space. Wednesday I spent most of the day wondering around trying to work out where everything was going to go, changing my mind and then changing it back again. Luckily on Thursday there was two of us doing it and we could spend a good amount of time discussing the pros and cons of different lay outs. It was much easier doing it with two of us. We got most of it hung on the Thursday and just had finishing touches to do on the Friday but like always, the stuff you think will be quick, ends up taking ages. Friday was subsequently pretty hectic.   At 7.30pm on Friday, I got in my white suit and climbed in to my little white house, and began to draw (at first a little shaky handed). I was drawing on to the walls of the tightly stretched semi-transparent fabric. This meant that as I drew, the line showed through to the viewer, on the outside. They could see me as well but it was a bit like looking through a heavy fog. I traced the room, doorways and viewers as they walked around me. I hadn’t planned the drawing at all, so I just responded to what I could see from the particular angle I looked from at that time, therefore the representation was very fluid and changeable. I work round and round and across the top panels. It was great when someone would work out what I was doing and stop to allow me to trace their outline. They therefore had complete control over how long I could draw them for. Quite often I would get half way round and they’d walk off, so I was left with half figures, bodiless legs, and many empty shoes. The thing I really enjoyed was this interaction, each viewer changing the drawing and choosing how to act, being delighted about being recorded. People appeared, from my angle to be dancing around the house, I would catch parts of the same person several times around the house. I couldn’t quite work out always who was who, so even people I knew, past me by as just another viewer. They kind of became this whole other, separate from me…my audience.   The whole evening was fantastic, there was a great buzz and I really got the feeling the audience where really engaging with us. Most pieces seemed to be creating a reaction. We all felt proud of all our efforts and went home with and excited glow!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Last week was the first week of Hertfordshire Open Studios. So we've all been around regularly. It's meant a lot of chatting with cups of tea, debating and discussing. Reflecting on the launch, we have all felt really positive about it. Proud even, I can see it coming through. Next week we have planned to meet up to start getting ideas and a plan together about the presentation to the Chamber of commerce, but I was so frustrated to discover that I am going to have to miss the meeting because I have to work that night. Work always feels like something that just gets in the way all the time. I rush my 'earning' days through and then my week can begin. Having to do extra always riles me! Anyway, not to dwell. I will have to catch up on what was discussed afterward. I am now starting to get planning together for a few things that are coming along. I had a random opportunity come up a couple of weeks ago. I have been invited to show some of my work up near Leeds at Harewood house next April as part of a 'House and Home' exhibition they are planning to coincide with an anniversary of the building. It sounds really exciting and I'm going up to Harewood mid October to chat to the curator and discuss ideas as well as get more familiar with the place.  The ideas behind the exhibition sound so relevant, I'm so thrilled to be given this kind of opportunity, especially to be asked to be involved and not having applied. It's such a wonderful feeling, to be invited.I'm also going back to the Centre 4 Recent Drawing in October to get my plans moving for that, so lots to do at the moment. Exciting times! Tomorrow evening I'm talking at the Open Dialogues in Cambridge, another thing I was absolutely delighted to be invited to do, but must admit...feeling a little scared as it's getting closer. Talking in front of lots of people is a very new thing for me and I'm not sure if, even a year ago I would of dreamt of being able to say I'd do it. But wrapped inside all the fear, is a lot of excitement too.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 This week so far...not off to a good start. Stress at work on Monday, at work again on Tuesday. And email yesterday from the Curator at C4RD wanting me to produce something for an exhibition in Novemeber! This November. I had originally been told first half of next year. This changes things a lot and after all I had written about the wonderful amount of time to consider and reflect on what I was going to do, to really have the chance to be organised and try out something new in the space. Guess that's not going to be the case anymore. So it's head down. Except it's hard to get head down whilst we still have open studios going on and of course it's stop, start, with lots of interruptions.  How negative I sound and after such a positive week last week. Right I will stop with the moaning right now! Last week was great, the studio was busy and I had lots of interest and encouragement about my ideas and people wanting to talk about what's going on at the Digswell. We had a big group of 15-18 year olds which was a little scary to begin with but actually a great excercise for me. We each gave a little introduction about our work to each group (about 60 of them!!!!) But they were mostly great and mostly really interested. One of the guys that teaches them mentioned to me about doing workshops at the college, but really would have to build myself up for that. I left it open and said I would consider it. We'll see.I gave my little talk at the Open Dialogues on Thursday. I really enjoyed it and felt it was a very valuable experience, especially chatting to people afterwards and them coming over to me to say, I feel just like that, I really identified with what you said. I guess it's that connection and encouragement that you're not on your own that is helpful to both sides. I met some very lovely, open people who I hope I will be able to chat with again.  I have started to realise how much of my life is being taken over by my practice recently. Most of my conversations are about, ideas, work, opportunities and future plans for my art work. Very little time is talking about future plans for personal life or just everyday things. It's a worrying thought that it seems to dominate everything. I wonder if my boyfriend feels like he is second to it. I guess it must feel like that at times. A career like this seems to never be left behind but manages to seep into every part of your life. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 I wouldn't normally enter a post again so soon but I feel like I have a million thoughts buzzing around in my head that I need to get out.I have this week received a number of emails from the Curator of C4RD. From the first email he sent to me at the beginning of the week, I really felt that something wasn't right. He was asking me to justify what I was doing and the imagery I was using in my work....this I thought completely reasonable although a little strange since I had applied openly and honestly describing where I was at with my work and where my interests lie. But anyway, I replied and reinforced my area of interest and some thoughts about what I might do. I had no original guidance or instruction from them about what they wanted, I had basically been told very little apart from, we like your work. He then emailed me back, saying basically that he had thought to include me in a show with two other artists, who when I checked out their stuff, I thought very constrasting to mine, but yes, I could see the connection. He also changed the time frame from about 6 months (although I was given no date or even an idea of a month, just next year) to 1 month. I said I would try my best, and come to the gallery to discuss it further.Yesterday however I was sent a mammoth email which without trying to sound childish, did sound really pompus and over intellectualised purely for affect. It specifically instructed me about what I should do and what I should be dealing with in my work. He ended by mentioning that he believed his ideas about the direction I should take my work in would be benefitial to my progression (adding...and the gallery's of course) To say it felt completely over bearing is an understatement!I hate to sound ungrateful for the opportunities that are offered to me, but in this instance I have felt squeezed and pushed and all that needed to be different was for them to be more open with me in the beginning. I know I am early in my career, I know I have lots to find out, and lots to learn but I also know what feels right and what feels contrived. I therefore turned the opportunity down and although very disappointed doing this, also confident that I had no other option. I'll take what I can from this experience and move on, what other option do I have?... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 It's so surprising sometimes, slightly wearing really, how up and down this all is. I never quite know what is going to present itself to me each morning when I get up. Last week was so depressing and over-whelming. I felt so disappointed and tested. It was as if I had been pushed back 10 steps and my confidence wavered and the doubt seeped it. Losing the C4RD exhibition and the way the whole thing made me feel was so frustrating. The goal posts moved and my opportunity slipped away. But then at the end of the week I get a lift. I was contacted to say that some of my work that was being looked at by a hotel manager had been bought. I sold three of my photographs to them. It's an unexpected consolation I guess. Not something I was pinning my hopes upon but it could be looked at as something that helps me finance myself in creating more opportunities in the future. You lose some and gain some all the time, it feels. This week the Surface Gallery have got back in contact, inviting me to be part of something coming up. It's been such a long, drawn out lead up to something with them and there are still no set dates that it's hard to be confident but still, I am now more eager than ever to be involved. Fingers crossed, as they always are these days.Next Thursday we have got our Digswell presentation to the Welwyn and Hatfield Chamber of Commerce. We had a run through last night and realised we still have such a lot of work to do. It is a good experience for us, even if nothing else, but I remain hopeful. As I always try to be these days!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Last week was a bit of a slow one in terms of working on ideas. It was my four day week at the gallery doing ‘real’ work and even when I was at the studio it was getting ready for the presentation on Thursday. Cleaning duties again.  Thursday did go well. We had a bit of a run through on Thursday morning and decided to cut out some bits and emphasise on others. I felt very relieved not to be the one presenting it. Steve is the natural in that area, so he took on the responsibility without batting an eyelid. Phew! We decided not to make it too polished though and throughout the presentation each artist had the opportunity to add, briefly something in particular about themselves. The format worked really well, keeping it open and natural but structured enough to not loose the thread. The actual presentation came out being the best we had done it, so we all felt pretty positive at the end.   I’m not sure how much we might get from it immediately, but the experience has definitely helped improve our confidence as a group. Before the event I think we had doubt about showing ourselves on a professional level. We were presenting to a group of people who didn’t necessarily have any interest in art and where maybe sceptical about artists and how they benefit the community, but we have already received feedback from the head of the Chamber of Commerce saying that members have commented that it was the most interesting meeting they had been to in a while. It is so positive that we where able to get ourselves across and spark interest. Hopefully this will be the start of something we do more regularly and get ourselves increasingly engaged with the community around us. We really need to raise our profile across the board and learning to do presentations about ourselves is an ideal opportunity, especially now we know we can pull it off!  Friday I spent the day at my boyfriend’s brothers house. He kindly filmed my performance piece at the open studios event, so I was having a nose. He’s going to edit it down for me, so hopefully I can get it online soon. It was so exciting to see it from outside the house. I am really pleased with how it has come out and will hopefully be able to use it to apply for new opportunities. I would like to do it again, somewhere else, to a different audience.      This week I’m off to Yorkshire on Tuesday to visit Harewood House and find out more about the exhibition they are planning for next year and hopefully how I will be involved. Fingers crossed x ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 The visit to Harewood House was interesting. It was a bit different to what I was expecting but I am not really sure how. It was good to talk to the people organising it and get a better idea of what their vision is and how they feel I might be involved.  It was a very interesting place, a very traditional stately home and typically laced with that hard to penetrate, ropped off feel. But once you start thinking about it in different terms, looking at what it is and how it has changed through the hundreds of years, you really do start to feel something underlying and very interesting lurking beyond it's cold exterior. It's contrast to how most of us experience the home today is bewildering. I felt that I had to focus very hard to even imagine it as a place to live. Is it merely the scale, the grandeur, the extravagance, the smell of years held in the air, that gives it this distance? I felt I had a strong desire to be in there when it was empty, just me wondering around. Maybe because it was something I knew I would never be permitted to do it. So now I have come back home to think about how I might respond to this place and what I might put forward as a proposal. It has produced a million thoughts which are all buzzing round my head so I will get into the studio this week, draw up some plans and try a few things out.    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Oh how a week can change things. So I began the week by contacting Harewood House, as they asked me to do, to discuss my thoughts about what I might do for the exhibition next year. This was followed the next morning by an email telling me that unfortunately I hadn’t made it into the final list of artists to be involved. That’s it. Over.   Now, I was a little shocked by the abruptness and also the fact that I wasn’t even aware that I was waiting to find out whether I had been selected. No selection issues had been discussed with me, even when I met them all. I was approached and invited to be involved. They have had changes recently because a curator left through ill health. This I presume, is why it has happened the way it has.   So my initial feelings where complete despair, swamped by all those very human emotions that I try not to be governed by, rejection, confusion, bewilderment, paranoia, which led to the inevitable flood of tears. Luckily I was at the studio when I got the email and another Fellow was around to talk through things with me. I calmed down and composed my zigzag of emotions.   There was nothing more for me to do. Move on. Just know at least I tried. But of course this isn’t all I can feel. I spent the weekend mulling. What am I doing wrong? Had I just completely got the whole thing wrong? Why did I not know the arrangement? It made me reflect on how some recent experiences have made me feel lately. Notably, like we artists are just 2 a penny, as the old saying goes and not necessarily treated as professionals. From my last two encounters with curators, I feel that I have been left in the dark, always guessing, been uninformed of their arrangements and plans, fobbed off at times. I have tried to be completely open and definitely accommodating, but both times seem to have been purposefully left in the dark and not able to discover this until it’s too late and have no options left.    Well the last thing I want to do is rant. I will definitely not get defeated and negative about things. From this I have learnt, ask every question under the sun and be completely sure about what they want from you. It sounds obvious but at times I have felt reluctant to ask certain questions for fear of jeopardising a chance or looking pushy. Clearly timid does not do me any favours.  The positives of the week:  1. Surface Gallery are in touch again, discussing more solid plans.2. My blog had small appearance in this month’s AN magazine3. Had a good day out with some of the guys from Digswell on Sunday and some good chats.  There….not all doom and gloom! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Not a lot to report for last week. I was working on a new piece at the studio most of the week. It’s a flat wire drawing outlining a particular view of my studio. I have suspended it in front of the studio scene, so it overlaps the scene. (It’s hard to explain and I’m really not sure how or if it works at the moment). It is one of those pieces that brings out exciting ideas and has got me thinking but is yet to be there in any real way. I need to keep working and working at the idea until I uncover how it might progress. Sometimes it really feels like excavating an artefact when I'm working on an idea, very slowly and delicately uncovering the thoughts that lead on to the next; extremely frustrating at times. I have found that so far it is only something that works when I photograph it and have that set view, and then it is quite strange to look at. I’ll keep going with it.   Apart from that I’ve been going over all the opportunity pages looking for what’s going on and what I can apply for. That seems to be the main constant cycle in my life… scan the pages, apply, wait….scan the pages, apply, wait….scan the pages, apply, wait…. Is this the best thing for me to do? Galleries?   I have felt low this week… I can only describe it as- not feeling human. Sometimes I feel that doing this leaves me standing outside real life, balancing on the brink of unsustainable, irresponsible, or maybe completely deluded. My paranoid feelings that there is an underlying opinion on every ones lips becomes like criticising voices whispering inside my head! (not in the mad sense, although I do wonder sometimes)  As I sat in the passenger seat coming back from London yesterday, staring out at the rain, my mind wandered away from my usual train of thought (my work, possible opportunities, next week at the studio etc) and instead started trailing off to new scenarios… getting a regular job, nurturing my more practical skills, getting better at maths, being ‘normal’, doing something that people don’t want you to justify, something that explains itself through simple payment. I try to repel these thoughts but of course they happen.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Thought I'd just put in a link to a little clip of the performance piece that I did for our Open Studios. Thanks to Iain for putting it together for me!! xhttp://www.herecomestheboss.com/video/E09B70CBCF07F097/Christina+Show.html... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 The last week has been a busy one and illustrates just how much things alter week by week. One week I’m leading up to nothing and the next week I’m wondering how I will fit everything in! I am applying for things all the time and sometimes I hear back. Sometimes these are things that end up being on deeper delving, not quite what they first seemed and sometimes they end up being something much more exciting than I thought they would be. I am learning to stem excitement, expectation of one thing and therefore hopefully reduce disappointment at a later date, but I always remain hopeful of every new endeavour.   Anyway, nothing major has come along but I did hear back from a group putting together an exhibition in Nottingham to open on the 3rd December, so it’s all been rush, rush to try and organise the piece and my time getting there all quite last minute. I am putting in a site-specific drawing that will go directly onto the wall of the gallery. It is a reasonably small drawing (my row of chairs) but a surprising amount of detail to draw. I have drawn it on the wall at the studio and am now getting it ready to transfer using a traced template. The exhibition is called ‘Not on White Paper’. I don’t know what other work has been selected for the exhibition but I’m very excited to see the results! It’s at the Malt Cross Gallery. 3rd December-14th December, if anyone fancies it.   I also had further contact with the Surface Gallery, also in Nottingham. It looks like finally there are some concrete plans being made. I have agreed to do my drawing performance for the opening (date still to be confirmed). I am very excited about doing this, after feeling so positive about it at the Open Studios, I am thrilled to be trying it in a gallery and further afield, for a new audience. I am a little scared about the prospect of performing to strangers, but incredibly excited too.  I also got a call from a guy at North Herts College asking me if I would like to come and talk to the art students about my work, with the possibility of doing a workshop in the future. I gulped and then agreed to come and have a look around in December after the exhibition in Nottingham has been set up. This out of everything above is the one that scares me the most! It is the one that really feels alien to me, but I do want to be able to do it. Lets just see what happens.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 It's been a good week. I managed to finish the piece for the Malt Cross Gallery in good time and was ready Thursday morning with the car loaded up and an exceptional friend of mine agreeing to come along and help me. So the two of us set off early in the morning and arrived in Nottingham about 11am after just a few minor hold ups…like getting slightly lost and getting confused by the one way system. I find I have a moment where I slightly hold my breathe just before arriving, especially when it’s a last minute thing as it was, bracing myself for what the people and the place is going to be like. As soon as we got there though there was instant relief. We were greeted by two bubbly, enthusiastic, young women who instantly made us feel so welcome and involved. The gallery was very pleasing too; you walk into this huge bar area which is ornately decorated with a very warm atmosphere and go up to a mezzanine balcony going round the top and through to a good sized, nicely lit white cube gallery space.   We were left to set up with a cup of tea and a mountain of cakes! Setting up the drawing went reasonably smoothly. I was working straight on to the gallery wall and this meant incorporating the feature of the skirting board. I was so pleased to be able to use the actual gallery features. In cases before there always seems to have been issues which have prevented me from marking the walls. The drawing worked so much better and I felt it is much more relevant to my initial intentions.   Unfortunately, I am unable to go up for the opening on Wednesday but I am planning a trip for the 12th December so I can see it complete. Many of the artists hadn’t set up when I was there.   Last week was such a refreshing experience compared to others of late. Jennie and Naomi just radiated enthusiasm and passion for the work and the ideas. You could really feel that this was so important to them and that they had worked really hard to bring together a good mix of diverse approaches to the central theme. I can’t wait to go back and see it all finished. It's wonderful to meet new artists dealing with similar concerns to my own.    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 Last week was a little quieter. I decided last minute to enter my ‘House’ into the Margaret Harvey Open Exhibition in St Albans. This meant making sure it would get through their very particular criteria like max size, plinth presentation and any health and safety issues etc (they are notoriously rather strict). I was sure the plug on the light box would cause an issue, especially after the sharp sucking in of breathe I heard on the other end of the phone when I rang to enquire. I delivered it on Friday anyway and am now just waiting to hear whether it gets in. I have been in the Open Exhibition before and had some success but I have always played it safe previously and entered my photographs. They have not judged my 3d work before. Strangely feel a little tense about it. It is the same piece that didn’t get into the Jerwood Drawing Prize.  Also, last week I had a visit at the studio from a woman I met at the Open Dialogues event earlier this year. I am pleased that we have stayed in contact, it has been very interesting to chat about ideas and approaches and problems. She also has a blog on a-n… ’Recording on Progress’ Nicola Kearey.     I am aware now that ‘this year’s progress’ is nearly complete. I can’t believe how short a year really is for an artist. Although there have been some very good experiences and small steps forward, I still feel that my biggest achievement is just to have made it another year and still be doing it. Will I make another one? I hope so. I spent sometime yesterday working with the ‘Artist’s Development Toolkit’. I thought it a good attempt at giving myself some kind of appraisal for the year. It was  helpful for me to recognise some positives as well as the problems. I think it is hard to see your own progress sometimes and with no one there to critique you, it can feel reliant on a blind faith that you’re on the right track.      ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 I was very pleased to find out that my piece ‘House’ got accepted into the Margaret Harvey Open exhibition. Finally, after months of it sitting looking at me in the studio, feeling sorry for its self, rejected and unconsidered, it gets an outing.  The rejection from the Jerwood Drawing Prize in June couldn’t fail to leave it a touch wounded but it at last has a little consolation with the chance to show itself in public, not totally discredited.      Friday, I had a trip to Nottingham. My boyfriend and I went to see the ‘Not on White Paper’ exhibition in its completion (it came down this Sunday), along with paying a visit to the Surface Gallery to have a look around and introduce myself in person. It is always interesting on these ‘days out’ days. For some reason they make me feel smaller than normal (mentally and physically). To take myself and the art that originates from the intimate space of the studio out into the world, seems like a daunting yet invigorating experience. It’s hard to explain, but it transforms the original two way dialogue that goes on between me and the work and suddenly gets others involved. …reading that back I realise that I am just stating the obvious here, but sometimes the obvious isn’t always the way it seems to me. It does make me feel a strange distance from its creation, and in the context of other peoples work, allowing me to see it in a slightly different way. I’m not sure how doing the performance in February will make me feel. Will I feel more detached from the experience? Will people react very differently to my previous performance, or are an audience as a collective no matter where they are from, pretty much always similar?  I feel so excited about the Surface Gallery exhibition, - now I’ve seen the space and am ready to get preparation underway. I have got that butterflies feeling in my tummy and I’m sure it’s not all because Christmas is getting near!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321 My 'House' piece excelled itself last week and was awarded first prize in the Margaret Harvey Open. I was ecstatic to discover the news that I had won the solo show and felt like I was walking on air for a day or two (why does reward feel so good?)    Last Thursday I went to visit the gallery to see the exhibition and view what else had been selected. I thought it was a pretty good show of work with some very good photography pieces and quite a range of different work. Open exhibitions can often be a bit of a mish mash (I guess that’s the open nature of the submission criteria) but there was lots of interesting pieces.  While I was wandering around the woman behind the desk and the security guard started discussing the show and particularly what had won…. I cringed at the situation- me stood there anonymously not being able to help myself from listening in to their conversation. As I hung around in anticipation of what they would say next, my heart thumped as it quickly became clear that they didn’t agreed with the judge’s decision. I felt incredibly sensitive and hurt by their dismissive view of my work and felt the urge to speak up and defend it... of course I didn't, I instead smiled to them as I left, and joked about the whole absurdity of the situation to my boyfriend on the way out.  This kind of judgement is going to happen. If it hadn’t of won it wouldn’t have been discussed and it wouldn’t have been knocked. I guess everyone has their own ideas of what makes a worthy winner. It feels strange to see that my work leaves some people a little bit bemused and possibly resentful. I wonder why this is.I'm going to allow myself some time away from the studio over Christmas. I'm looking forward to a little 'time out' time. Then I can hopefully get back into it all fresh and raring to go in the new year.It feels like a very reflective time for me now. With this year's blog coming to an end and some exciting events already in place for next year I feel like 2008 can go down as a positive and productive year over all. It has strengthened my belief in myself and helped me make some important decisions about how I want to progress in the future. I can't wait to get my teeth stuck in to a new year!   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/405321