http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Getting Somewhere Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:36:05 +0000 a-n rss generator a-n The Artists Information Company and contributors edit@a-n.co.uk technical@a-n.co.uk http://www.a-n.co.uk/img/logo.gif http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Things I get into character for. I am sure I remember a time when I was just comfortable being An Artist, and it felt quite natural. I don’t think it was ever easy, but it was what I was happy Being. But memory is a funny thing – memories of how I Felt at any one time seem to change depending on any number of variables. I hope that makes me Interesting not fickle. I think one of the main qualities in An Artist is finding things Interesting. I am especially interested in Memory at the moment. Memories are unstable, unreliable and messy.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 'Too many things squashed into a small space.'  I’ve spent an enormous amount of time trying to work out what is the right Question to ask. I feel like I need a clear line of enquiry, to really distil what I want to say. I've Thought about it hard for two weeks. Or, at least, it's churned round in my head for two weeks, squeezing it's way in between the hundreds of tedious daily tasks that occupy most of my time. Proper Thoughts get squashed out during school holidays, by squabbling, shrieking, questioning children, piles of washing, toys, preparing meals and organising outings. But the Thoughts lurk around the edges of my mind, biding their time until they can get a proper hold of me. Chewing away at the problem.  I’m feeling dejected because now I realise the only Question I can come up with so far, is the same question that all the Other Mothers bang on about constantly. How can I fit all my jobs into one day, the days just aren’t long enough etc. Got to go now - youngest daughter crying. This is the fairly uninspiring bottom line.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 VertigoLots of things have been happening... here's the context to the story. We are moving from Scarborough to West Yorkshire (hopefully to a village called Honley, near Huddersfield, if we ever find a decent house to rent). This is because my partner's got a job in Dewsbury. I don't know anyone there so I am quite scared and excited.My landlady wants me to organise appointments for estate agents, HIP assessors etc. She lives in France and wants to sell the house. I wish I hadn't been so generous in the amount of notice I gave her about our move. She could still be blissfully unaware, and I could stay submerged in the never ending tide of mess and chaos in the house. My partner is in Iceland for a week and I have just spend 2 days completely housebound with my youngest daughter - she's had a stomach bug. It's made me feel quite shut down - too much time inside my own head, unable to do anything with any of my thoughts. If I get up to get something from the other side of the room, she jumps up and clings on to me, 24hours a day. I've had to cancel a meeting at Scarborough Art Gallery, after spending every spare minute preparing images and notes to show them. I've also missed the Lonely Arts Lunch - a rare opportunity to get together with other isolated creatives in the Borough. Young Daughter (6) said 'mum, I've got a feeling and I don't know what it's for, and I don't know where the feeling is.' I couldn't put it better myself. She's getting better now; 'it's like I've jumped on 500 trampolines straight after dinner'.I'm perpetually worried about money, and rent is more expensive in West Yorkshire. As a result I've taken on lots of work, and now it's all whirling round my head all the time. I have freelance a contract with Creative Partnerships Hull, as a Creative Agent, brokering relationships between 4 schools and various creative practitioners (artists). I've just taken on a contract with engage co-ordinating the final stages of their envision programme - it's hard picking up someone elses job half way through, but it's really interesting work. I teach short courses, 'Community Art Skills' and 'Unlock your Creativity' for University of Hull. It doesn't sound much when you see it written like that, but it feels like a lot. I've been diagnosed with vertigo! I think it sounds almost exotic, so maybe I can sort of get to like it. I keep feeling all swimmy and wonky. Apparently it can be triggered by a virus or by stress.  Apparently it should go away within six weeks.Finally - wait for it - this is the biggee... I've just heard about my ACE bid for £10,400 for professional development I got the money - WAHOO! What a fantastic endorsement of my work, my ideas. It's all worthwhile.So - that's the context. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 The content (or Why I Do It) I think ‘the context’ (or all the Other Stuff in my life) is a necessary but awkward part of my life as an Artist. Rachel the Artist and Rachel the Mother are not separate beings, they infect and influence each other. Yet it feels difficult to acknowledge this, in an art market that caters for artists who can sacrifice their daily life at the drop of a hat to take on a new residency or project, to the detriment of all else. It’s as if having children automatically makes you less committed to your work. I have a fear that mentioning my personal circumstances could trigger a chain reaction of responses – I will be dismissed as a tedious feminist artist, probably making art as therapy.  I also think that if something seems to be taboo, that’s probably the best reason for talking about it, so that’s why I’ve made it a central factor in my blog. I want to open up the conflict I experience between my creative ambition and my commitment to my family.  Writing down the Other Stuff is Important for the function of the blog; it helps me Remember what I’ve done and feel comfortable and satisfied with my own achievements. It can be difficult to Remember what has actually changed when periods of studio time are erratic and disjointed. Some days I have to have an argument with myself to get over the guilt I feel for playing/working in my studio instead of chopping vegetables for tea. .. I imagine my children with rickets and put more fruit in their lunchboxes – it comes back bruised and uneaten… The act of writing this blog helps me to focus on the positive. I will log my progress as an artist, chart the movement of ideas and actions, and include edited images which function as my sketchbook.  Ps. Just to keep you up to date on the context - been up all night with Older Daughter while she threw up – you can probably picture the serene and satisfied vision of motherhood that I encapsulate today, only improved by the faint aroma of vomit on the carpet.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I’ve been collecting the sweepings off the kitchen floor, the dust off all the surfaces, the stuff out of the hoover, and gak out of the plug hole. It’s all in preserving jars on the kitchen window sill.   The landlady looked but didn’t mention it. I think she just blanked it out. Lots of people seem to do that.  I overheard Older Daughter say to her friend ‘I dunno – it’s probably just mum’s art.’ She watched me make it but knows better than to ask why. It could unleash a tirade about Housework, and she likes to avoid those conversations. It’s really interesting to see who notices, who dares to ask about it, how people respond...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I cleared some boxes of junk from my in-laws garage yesterday.. old school books mainly. At the bottom of one box I found the first knitted sculpture I ever made, during my degree.  I had an appalling relationship with my tutor at the time. I vividly remember how he picked it up as though it was disgusting, and tossed in the bin, saying 'what are we playing at now then Rachel?' 15 years later I plucked up the courage to start knitting again. Here's one of my recent knitted pieces. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I chatted to one of the Other Mothers in the playground this morning. She asked what I’ve been up to and I told her I’m making a film for a show at Scarborough Art Gallery Coffee Lounge. She said;  ‘but why would you spend all that time doing that? If it doesn’t earn you money and it doesn’t get the house tidy, I just don’t get why you do it…’I couldn't really answer her in a way that she would understand, and got a bit embarassed. I laughed and muttered something about how I know it's quite ridiculous. When I get home I feel angry that I undervalued my work, that I didn't defend my right to be different. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 We are relocating from Scarborough to Holmfirth. Moving next week. It's a nightmare. Enough of that though, I think it's time to focus on the art... if I don't do that here, it won't happen at all at the moment.I've actually made a lot of progress with the piece I am making for Scarborough Art Gallery, but somehow I never get round to talking about it in my blog. In fact it's quite fascinating to observe how my default position is to avoid talking about my work in any circumstance. Particularly when I talk to curators, exhibition officers, anyone who would really like to hear a bit more about why I do it. I have an impressive range of techniques for giving the whole subject the bodyswerve. Like now for example, rambling on like this.OK, I'll do the easy bit first - a list of the various elements of the piece; There are the 'preserving jars' of dust and dirt, on the shelves of an old oak(?) wardrobe. I've made a felt 'pinny' which is hanging in the wardrobe, and I've done a film test of myself 'doing things' in a corner of the gallery. I'm going to project the film back onto the same gallery space. I need to think a bit more precisely about what I will do and wear in the film.  I think I'll avoid talking about what it's about for a bit longer and bite the bullet next post. Let's not over do it after all - otherwise I'll need a lie-down and there's no time for that! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 moving house is bad. never mind losing the thread, I've lost the whole reel. It'll be in one of these b***** boxes... Service will resume shortly.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Alongside moving house, settling (resistant) daughters into new home and school, and facing up to the fact that every task involves a 20 minute search through several large cardboard boxes, I’ve been struggling to provide Scarborough Art Gallery with some blurb and an image for their publicity leaflet.   I’ve just been told that as the leaflet has been redesigned, an image may not be included. I knew there were changes afoot– the gallery is in the process of becoming part of a Trust, instead of Scarborough Borough Council, so they will be dealing with all sorts of new procedures and other changes. The staff are being very helpful and supportive, so I just hope my image goes in! As for the blurb, it took me a ridiculously long time to condense my ideas for the work into two sentences, and now that’s been cut in half… Lara, the Curator of Art has worked with me to develop a good ‘one sentence’ statement instead. I guess I can make use of the second sentence here, as an introduction to talking about the work. It will also come in handy for preview invites and publicity releases, so it was a worthwhile exercise. 'Left Behind' 19 July – 19 October 2008Video projection, textiles and dust-filled jam jars are delicately brought together in this new work created especially for the Coffee Lounge.  'Left Behind' was made in response to the semi-domestic space of the coffee lounge and explores the visible and invisible traces we leave behind in our every day lives.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Feel like I'm juggling jelly at the moment. Spent most of the day so far trying to allocate time in my diary to get everything done. The main complication as ever is finding childcare to fit around erratic and irregular working patterns. I have two freelance consultancy jobs for Creative Partnerhsips and engage vying for position, and lots of trips to Scarborough to fit in, to make and instal the show. Then I get sucked into emailing local arts organisations in a bid to start networking in my new area. Which reminds me that I still haven't told the bank that I've moved, etc etc...When is it ever About the Art? Rob Turner commented on one of my posts that the art will find a way of escaping, and it will make sense of itself in the end. I felt a bit prickly when i first read it - like I KNOW THAT thankyou - but his words have stayed in my head, and have ultimately been quite reassuring - cheers, and sorry for the private grump! I've remembered that it's About the Art when I'm gnawing away at a tricky problem with siting the projector in the gallery, or when I'm reading other blogs and feeling connected to my artist self, or when I'm just looking at things with Interest. Making-time in the studio is a tiny part of it and that's OK.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I’ve been thinking about the performance element of ‘Left Behind’ today. I’ve made a test piece to make sure that I can achieve the right effect technically – but the actual performance or action remains vague. Here are my current ideas: I know that I want to embody the character of a woman who is looking for a way for a change to happen. The film is silent, so she has no voice, and perhaps a limited sense of her options. She is carrying heavy shopping bags full of grit and salt, and sits in the coffee lounge initially looking defeated. I want her to go on a quiet internal journey, and then to leave the gallery. The film will be projected onto the corner of the gallery where it was filmed, so it produces a life size but insubstantial character in the room. There are so many layers and levels of thought involved in this part of the installation – the more research and thought I give it, the more paralysed I feel. I know that ultimately I need to let go of all the rational cerebral processes, and do what feels right, but I don’t know what that is at the moment, so it’s a bit nerve-wracking. I think I’m feeling a bit uptight since moving house and meeting work deadlines (for Creative Partnerships and engage) so I can’t easily shift into the soft focus state I need to really work creatively.  This is a constant challenge for me (and probably other artists?) – managing the shift from being an effective functioning person who understands and can conform to the things that most people see as important – punctuality, clarity, reliability, meeting deadlines, sticking to plans – and being able to shift into a state where none of these things restrict your sense of creative possibilities.  I'm filming at the gallery on 23rd June, so it'd better come together then!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I’m giving a talk at the gallery on 25 July. I’ve been thinking about how I can talk about this piece of work in a way that leaves space for people to make their own mind up. My practise involves a period of research, a period of inhabiting the world through the eyes of the latest idea, then investing meaning in the piece through the making process. By the end I feel I want to explain it all, and have trouble letting it stand alone. I suspect this is also the product of 15years of involvement in community arts; it’s become part of the fibre of my being to consider accessibility in everything I do. Yet I really like looking at work that is difficult, even impenetrable. I have to consciously remember to be lateral and open ended, to enjoy ambiguity.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Here are some of the thoughts that drift through my mind when I am working on ‘Left Behind’... (it’s difficult to remember many of my thoughts, like when you wake from a dream and it dissolves before you grasp it, but I see this as a sign that I have let go of my logical thought processes, and I welcome that)  –         the debris that gets left behind by our activities (dust, stains, dirt) – aspirations and daydreams as we wash the dirt and sweat, out of our clothes, making them anonymous and empty again -  longing -  wiping surfaces, tears, bottoms – creating order out of chaos, totally fulfilled – trapped in a loop of repetitive activity, feeling angry resentful and bitter - clean, scrub, fret about stains, worry what judgements others will make – houseproud means wholesome – cleaning is pointless circular - trying to remove evidence - trying to reach the other side– to feel in control – linked to generations of housewives who clear it all up - invisible workforce of cleaners who remove all traces of our time in our offices, on trains and buses, in cafes and restaurants, at cinemas – get rid of anything that reveals vulnerability – messy drippy tears, snot bubbles, leaky bladders, crumbs – don’t make a fuss – wash your face you’ll feel better – if you pretend you are ok, you are ok.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 You know that feeling you have when you just 'can't put your finger on it'? I'm really enjoying that feeling today. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I spent a day filming the performance element of 'Left Behind' at Scarborough Art Gallery on Monday. What a day! It came hot on the heels of a wedding and late night partying on Saturday, in the Midlands (on my own with the girls' as partner was ill), and a birthday party in Scarborough for eldest daughter on Sunday. Felt really tired and disorientated, and fired up with nerves and adrenalin. My long suffering partner (who would marry an artist?) got off his sick bed and travelled to Scarborough to help with all the technical stuff and document the process.I characteristically bounced between the full range of emotions at a rate of knots, while he ignored everything but the stuff relevant to the job in hand. It's an impressive skill he has developed, to avoid getting sucked into the drama, while I veer from thinking this is the best piece I've ever made, to thinking it's such a failure I'm embarassed to show it. Hopefully it's somewhere in the middle and will all be fine in the end.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Today was totally rubbish. It's true you should be careful what you wish for, because I've just had three uninterupted days to devote to my studio practise, and it culminated in a guilt ridden grump of a day, doing nothing useful and feeling bad about it. no pleasing some people... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Lots and nothing happening at the moment. Went to see MA show in Leeds, and Cy Twombly and RA shows in London. These trips stimulated new thoughts, and opened my world again a bit - need to do this regularly. Spending more time than normal staring into space or simulating busyness, or redesigning my lists of tasks, none of which makes me feel particularly satisfied, but is quite compulsive behaviour. Then - the odd breakthrough, a movement into activity...started collecting bits of..... hmm, not sure how to describe this - things like stray eyelashes, bogeys, flap of skin from a blister... are they bits of body? traces we leave behind, evidence of experiences, stains... I got some tiny resealable clear bags and an index card system to record them. My camera is in my studio and the work is at home, so will get a photo organised soon.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I'm finding it hard to settle in to my new life in West Yorkshire. It felt like a holiday for ages, now the reality has hit and I feel a bit lonely. I think it's a delayed reaction, after keeping it together while the daughters got settled. I'm amazed how much I am defined by my friends, and their knowledge and affirmation of who I am. I know how to act with them, and they know how to respond to me, so everything is more solid with them. Now I feel like I'm losing my edges a bit, retreating inwards.So it's all the more poignant to be spending the week making final preparations to instal 'Left Behind' at Scarborough Art Gallery on Thursday... setting up a projected image of myself doing slightly peculiar things in the corner of a gallery where I used to spend a lot of time in my old life. I started making this work before I knew we were moving - so now there is a new layer of meaning to this ghost-like mischievous character flickering in the corner of the gallery.I'm glad she became a mischievous character, rather than a defeated one (which is how she started out). Just hope it all looks the way I imagined it when I get it all in the gallery, and  I can cope with the nerves until after the preview. ps. unison strike clashes with exhibition installation day, and partner is on an overnight work thing, so daughters have to come to Scarb too. They think the video projection is embarassing and galleries boring. Ace. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Well, it’s finally all been happening, and I haven’t had a minute to blog – so now I’ve paid for an afternoon’s childcare and resisted my daughters pleas to stay with me (apparently they would rather ‘do anything, even jobs, than go to summer playschemes’ which they ‘really hate’). So I’m in my studio enjoying a few hours to myself and looking back at recent events. Here’s an update I set up the installation, feeling really anxious about how it would all come together. It took ages to get the projected image to line up exactly with the table and chairs in the corner of the gallery. The projector is housed inside an old leather suitcase, and needed propping up at a steep angle to get the right effect. I finally got it all sorted and left, hoping that I had left enough air vents for the projector, otherwise it’ll overheat and cut out. The next day I was working for Creative Partnerships  in Hull and got a phone call from the gallery saying that all my equipment had failed. Aaagh… spent a sleepless night worrying about it, how can two new pieces of kit both break simultaneously?, is it a fuse, has the projector overheated, has the bulb blown, if so why doesn’t the DVD player work… Returned first thing the next morning armed with toolbox and production manager (aka my partner). Turned everything on – it worked fine! Although the projected image was now pointing at the ceiling. I think the gallery had PAT tested my equipment, and moved everything around – I wonder whether the projector had been put back in such a way that it was no longer lined up with the air vents? Anyway, we rigged everything up more securely – a much easier job with two people, and to be honest and my partner is better at technical construction stuff than I am. Anyway, I was just pleased it was all up and running again in time for the preview -  which was great – it was well attended and the work was well received. Phew! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 The artists talk I returned to Scarborough a week later, full of renewed trepidation about my talk. I hadn’t had time to think about it as the last few days of the school term had taken over my brain (remembering which of my daughters needs money for trips, party food, non-uniform days, leavers assembly blah blah and simultaneously completing paperwork for two schools I have been working with in Hull by end of term). My artists talk had receded into the background for a week and now it was suddenly happening… I’ve been thinking around the issue for months, but never drawing any conclusions about how to tackle it. The night before I travelled to Scarborough, amidst organising appointments for daughters to visit old friends in Scarb I realised there was one easy way to remember what it’s all about - scour my blog for clues. That helped. A bit.  In the end I met my mum and dad in the coffee lounge at 11am, handed over the daughters to their care, resisted the temptation to internally agitate about my dad’s silent frown as he looked at the honey dripping in the wardrobe, tried and failed to concentrate on his optimistic note in the comments book (‘you’ll be famous one day Rach), and spent an hour with a pen and scrap of paper making a few notes.  Plenty of people turned up, and pleasingly there were only a couple of friends and supporters – the rest were independently interested! I decided to do what I do on the blog – illuminate the context for the work, rather than try to explain the work itself.  So a few autobiographical anecdotes later, we were all involved in a fascinating discussion about the piece, and most of the comments resonated strongly with my feelings about it. I was elated. Equally importantly, I had, once again talked about my work without talking about my work, and everyone agreed it was the best plan! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 It's been a funny few weeks. The exhibition is ticking along without me now, and it's school holidays so my mind is consumed with stuff children need. I can't even specify what it is that fills the day, but it makes my thoughts feel like they are dipped in blancmange. Not unpleasant but not going anywhere.  I had a great review written about 'Left Behind' -www.hightidemagazine.com - so that's a buzz. I plan to make a book documenting the piece, and I need to start making plans for my next commission - an  installation for 'Coastival' in Scarborough.But I just can not work out how to keep mum and artist going at the same time - to be honest I'm knackered from trying. They are two different people, and neither one cares about the other that much. By the way, for the record, I am (so far) not suffering from a personality disorder. This is something different.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've snatched/ demanded a few hours in my studio after having a minor rant about how much f****ing domestic work I do at home and how much I resent it. Partner pointed out that in some ways I am very priviledged to be able to spend 6 weeks at home with the daughters while he has to work. Pile on the guilt I think. There's nothing more frustrating than being told why you should be enjoying something when in all honesty you just don't feel satisfied by 'bottoming out the wash basket'. Whatever the F*** that is. It's all the rage round here though if local mums are to be believed. Hrmph. Not sure how to use these precious few hours now, and if I make the wrong decision I will feel even more resentful. I need a sense of achievement before 4pm. Here are my options (after all, when in doubt, waste more time writing and prioritising a list I always say).1. Design and make a very beautiful rota detailing all the domestic chores, how often they need doing, and divide them between household members using a proportionate system depending on how much time they have available - might need help with the maths for this.2. make a beautiful silk and felt scarf for my friend Kath who is 40 soon.3. rummage through the big pile of notes, drawings, and rambles that I have collected over the last 15 years - I think they are going to be the starting point for a new project.4. Use the big shared warehouse space while there's no-one in to look at some of the 25' long felt pieces I've been working on.On balance I think the scarf is the winner on this occasion - the other ideas are too big and I'm learning not to set myself up for failure.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I just want to say that I've also had some wonderful moments recently in relation to making art. I saw Pipilotti Rist at FACT which set my mind firing off in lots of directions - loved it : I've had a good response from Wendy Clews, (Director of Create in Scarborough) to my proposal for a new installation in a hotel room for Coastival: I've got an idea for my next piece  of work as part of my ACE funded research and am looking forward to collaborating  with Rob  McKay, sound artist as part of this research. Maybe I should stop being such a moaning old bag and enjoy this time of plenty while it's here! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845  Just got back from a brilliant week in a bunk barn in South West Lakes. Bought 4 raw fleeces from the farmer, so got a big job ahead to process the wool - never done it before, although I got some idea what to do when I was in Kyrgyzstan.I'm back in the studio reviewing what happened last time. After all that wittering on, I am pleased to say I got stuck into a new big project instead of making a scarf. Getting started is always the hardest bit, so at least now I've got something to sit and stare at and respond to. I seem to do lots of displacement activities (is that the right term for it?) - buying new materials, researching processes, reading related stuff, the time never seems right to actually start making. Then all of a sudden it will take off and I won't be able to stop til I drop. I'm not at that stage yet though - I'm making a felt house (about the size of a garden gazebo), and am doing lots of research about how to put text and drawings onto the felt. Also continuing experiments with varied translucency/density of felt and projected video. I feel lucky to be an artist today.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Nothing to report.  Starting to feel self conscious about having nothing whatsoever to say about anything. just busy and tired. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 if you had all the freedom and no restriction, what would the most fulfilling experience be?  I feel like I inhabit the edges of my life instead of the core at the moment.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845   I've been embroiled in a period of questioning and doubt. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it  – 'know your enemy' and all that.I think it goes like this:1. dash around like a blue arsed fly for a few weeks, work 12 hour days, travel a lot, lose the thread with how your children are, maintain relations with partner in terms logistics of delivering and collecting children appropriately, accumulate 8 tons of dirty washing in all corners of the house, eat cereal late at night for dinner, prepare crap packed lunches for children (dry bread and cheese and an apple and water).2. Feel bad.3. Stop dashing around, and attempt to launch straight into the planned studio week in order to feel better.4. Still can't find the school letter, a clean pair of socks or remember to buy any toothpaste, and it's a week since the Busy Spell ended.5. Feel bad 6. spend the studio week remembering what the hell I was thinking about last time I was working on my art. Decide those ideas are all embarassingly shit. 7. Tidy the studio. It's Thursday already. 8.Give in to the 'What a waste of a week ' guilt trip that is so popular with me lately. Feel bad9.need to make some decisions, take control of my working pattern, get on with it. Spend two days thinking and planning (accompanied by the internal 'what a waste of time' mantra – I doggedly ignore it, writing lists is always my salvation.10. Go to a preview. Evereyone else seems to be doing better than me. Don't even know what I think about the art in the show – what's that about?11. Feel bad12. Start to write Interim report for ACE. Feel totally overwhelmed.13. Think about my work, how to make it better. Will I ever have another idea? Have I lost it? How do you know which idea is the good one? How do you know when it's good art and when it's crap? How do you choose which way to take your idea? 14. Take control. Enlist help from mentors. Meet Rebecca in Manchester. She's ace, and seems to understand. I feel comforted, even while I feel intimidated by all her achievements and reassurances.15. Take down 'Left Behind' from Scarborough Art Gallery. The comments book is littered with compliments. Hurrah, these people have finally recognised my genius. Elation.16. Drive home with it all packed up in the car. Remember the projected image of me, trapped in her little routine for three months in the corner of the coffee lounge. It's alright now I think, you're not Left Behind. You're in the car coming home with me. We'll find a new adventure for you in West Yorkshire.17. Feel a bit better. Phew.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I love it when people comment on my blog! it cheers me up to think that people are interested enough to read it. (Thanks Jane - it helps to feel a bit of solidarity out there!)I'm generally more upbeat at the moment because I have a bit more time to think about my work and feel on top of things. I'm returning to the idea that the different roles I play as mother and artist, are in themselves an artwork. I'm thinking about all my creative activities (getting into character for the school playground conversations, recreating an organised home against the tide of mess, then shedding perceived social constructs for the studio, stripping back to the essentials - all entrenched in ritual and performative elements).  In terms of relational practice I am wondering how I could document these actions better to construct an artwork.I'm not sure where these thoughts will lead (probably back in on themselves for a while) but at least I'm Interested. I really wish I could have some kind of tutorial with someone who knows lots of stuff. I never fully appreciated the value of that properly when I was at art college.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 for some reason I am shivering in my kitchen instead of going to my warm studio to research feminist art centres/exhibitions/symposiums. There seems to be loads going on in Canada and the states so I think I need to plan a trip for 2009. All suggestions welcome!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Preview of Open Studios at Batesmill tomorrow and things are not going to plan. I made a spontaneous decision (a rare and usually disastrous thing in my world) to take part - and now of course I'm doubting my wisdom! I will show a work in progress, an early manifestation of a bigger idea. I am perfectly happy with the notion that open studios can be about revealing a process rather than exhibiting a complete body of work. I am happy that the piece I am showing is (just about) ready for a public outing... not fully resolved, but enough successful elements to carry it. I'm even looking forward to talking to people about it. But.Now I am prickled by the anticipation of visitors seeing it as a finished work, and making judgements. I'm taking a real risk showing something that I'm not yet entirely happy with - it's easy to start feeling like a blagger in that situation.I confuse myself sometimes - I knew that this was one of the hazards of taking part, and decided that I was happy to deal with that, as the benefits of bonding with other resident artists and becoming part of the local scene outweighed the negative. Now I'm not so sure. I don't know if I 'get' Open Studios. What's it for? Is it just for makers to sell their wares? Have I dropped a clanger? too late now. off to the studio to get it sorted. Nothing like a deadline to neutralise all your creative intution, leaving room for you to make panic decisions and head for the red wine. Wahoo!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Thanks Rob for selecting my blog for 'bloggers choice'. It brightened me up at the end of a tiring week; I went to Scotland to give a talk at a conference for engage Scotland, in addition to all my open studios prep (updating portfolio, getting new business cards, revising cv, making the installation etc) Knackered today.As for open studios - it was pretty good really. I wasn't as brave as I could've been in terms of approaching visitors, but I enjoyed talking to the ones that approached me. Today I've spent a (perversely) therapeutic few hours sorting out paperwork, stripping beds, washing sheets and tidying the house. It gives me a sense of calm and order after last week.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've had a bit of a pause for a week or two. Tidied the studio and stared at everything I've made recently in a blank, out of focus, starey sort of way. Got some books to read for research, but couldn't focus on that. Think I needed a break.Anyway, I'm back at it now - had a long 'thinking in the bath' session last night - had to top up with hot water twice before I finished my think and it was still cold by the time I got out.The result of the think is a big list of tasks to get stuck into. I've been commissioned to devise a new installation for a hotel room for Coastival in February 2008 - (www.coastival.com) and this is the start of that process.First job - organise a site visit. Ooo I do love a list to follow - it's like a set of instructions and rules and represents security. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I'm really enjoying a week of wallowing in art ideas and making. I've moved up a gear now towards making 'What the Chamber Maid Saw' for the Grand Hotel in Scarborough. It's an amazing building, '‘Originally constructed in 1863, it was one of Europe's first purpose-built hotels, with a design based on time; 4 towers - 4 seasons, 12 floors - the months, 52 chimneys for weeks and 365 bedrooms for the day of the year. It is a beautiful example of grand Victorian architecture and totally dominates its surroundings.’I don't want to describe what I'm doing in too much detail in case it breaks the spell and I lose confidence in it. Fixing things with words can be a dangerous business - it creates limits around an idea, as if the word takes over control of the object and fixes it in one interpretation. I'll put some images on the blog when I'm ready, but I'm at that delicate stage in the making where if I describe it I'll start to feel insecure.Generally feeling good about it though. Got a nice email from my officer at Arts Council England, Yorkshire, saying they've approved the changes i proposed in my interim report. She said she thinks I've 'hit my stride on this now' which I think is a great image to hold in my head. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I can't believe the pace of things at the moment. I realised just how warped my perception of time had got when I had a huge row with partner about things I thought he should have done a week ago and still hadn't done. I got all dramatic, and threw in a few 'you don't appreciate my suffering' comments (always a bit embarassing in the long run). Anyway, it turned out, I'd only asked him to do the 'things' the night before, not a week as I'd imagined.  The implication being that I've crammed a weeks worth of thinking and doing into my head in 24 hours. No wonder I'm susceptible to a bit of 'martyrdom indulgence' which allegedly is one of my favoured guises. As for 'What the Chamber Maid Saw', I'm loving and hating the whole experience of bringing this project to life. Life and art are blurred, as I explore the motivation and character of the hotel guest and try to hold my domestic life in some sort of order.I'm working with a really great artist, Lucy Barker, which has taken a lot of pressure off. She was originally teaching me video editing, but it became quickly apparent that I really need someone to edit my films for me this time. She really seems to 'get' what I'm doing so maybe we'll collaborate again. Anyway, today's task is to reshoot and edit some footage for the hotel bed - more info soon. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 too many things happening to go into now, but here's a sample off the top of my head;had a site visit in Room 315 at The Grand Hotel - originally planned for two days, but had to fit everything into one day and work into the night.had a minor altercation with the Activities Officer, who hadn't been told about the project. going in circles with ideas about what to do with the bathroom. It's a totally different configuration from what I'd imagined it might be, and I'm unsure what to do.one of the solutions I tried, involved lying in a sparkly dress in a bath full of clear balloons filled with water. I am verging on being phobic of balloons at the best of times. I was clearly becoming overtired and a little deranged.tested a video projection in the window of the room, visible from the road - made some decisions based on the things that look best, but now re-evaluating those decisions in terms of semiotics.tested 5 short films of close-up details of my face, which will play on a loop on tiny screens embedded in the bed covers - initial feedback from friends is that they look quite rude...complicated conversation with hotel receptionist - I want them to sell me an old worn out hotel bed cover. The concept of someone wanting an old bed cover is too difficult for them to understand. had a weepy moment watching older people dancing in the ballroom.got a new polaroid camera and film - loving the resultsthe usual argy bargy at home when I want more help with washing and tidying - he doesn't want to prioritise it because we are busy. I want him to prioritise it because I am busy. This feels like an enormous issue.went for an interview for a freelance post to run some training but my mind and body were both elsewhere (my mind on my art, my body suddenly chose the beginning of the interview to to menstruate unexpectedly). Don't think I got the job.   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 UNBELIEVABLE! The Activities Officer at the hotel wants to cancel the event! There was some internal communication breakdown at the hotel, she wasn't informed it was happening and says it can't go ahead. But - it looks like wonderful Wendy at Create (organiser of Coastival) has done some wonderful smooth talking and persuaded her to change her mind...talk about putting the wind up me, I'm terrified she won't approve of it and will pull the rug out on the day. Months of work and thought and tears and stress, it has to go ahead. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845  Monday: partner and girls sledge, make snowmen, walk by snowy river, while I am in my studio grafting. No-one believes me that being an artist is hard work, but it feels it today. Tuesday: Normally I am a huge fan of snow. On this particular occasion, as I leave distraught children with very kind neighbour to trek to Leeds on trains, (car stuck in drive) I feel less enamoured. A worthwhile trip though - Lucy has done a brilliant job of editing my videos, with real sensitivity to what I'm about - so I return home happy.Wed: slogging my way through list of jobs, despite thumping headache. Car still snowed in, but I have found a splendidly tasteless gold bedspread for the hotel bed, and am now making a complete bodge of making little windows for ipods to sit snugly into. Lucky it came with two pillowcases for practising on. Might need professional help with this though. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Well I'm cracking on with things, despite having children at home for most of the week - snow induced school closures. It just feels like the slog at the end of a marathon though, I'm not really enjoying it any more, just working my way through my daily list of tasks. Hopefully I'll get a nice high rush when it opens. I'm really tired and it's harder to do things properly. I've got ulcers in my mouth, headaches and other gripes and groans. Oh - and mice in the food cupboard. nice. I hope they are just taking temporary refuge from the snow, as everyone tells me that humane traps don't work and I really don't want to kill them. On the other hand, I didn't want to be wiping tins and throwing away packets at 10 o'clock at night last night either, so they've got to go.I've moved the food for now - haven't got time to deal with it any more. Right, off to orthodontist with oldest daughter now, then back to sewing pictures into pants. ah the glamour.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Partner was upset that I criticised him in a recent post. My immediate response is simple - humf - it's easily avoided - just tidy up more... chunter, rumble etc. But in the interests of balance I must also recognise that he has done a brilliant job of formatting all my films for ipods, provided lots of advice about projectors and leads (I love their names, and regret the fact that I have no need for a 'double ended female' or a 'splitter', which make me laugh like a pubescent schoolboy). He's also cooked some meals and shopped for some food. Not that he should get special recognition for doing a few domestic chores I hasten to add.I'm sure it was easier to be a feminist when the battle lines were more clearly drawn. I will ponder this today while I pack my case for my trip to scarb tonight. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 feel I should try to say something about the last few days. I feel like I am on waltzer 24hours a day, everything is streaming together, in a jerky, not-relaxing kind of way. Overall I am happy this morning, having had a couple of hours sleep and lots of good feedback about my work. lots of things have happened and I don't know where to start. got to get family up and out of the house so I can reset the hotel room and partner can ferry children to various activities, so in a rush at moment. I can't believe what people get up to when they have 20 minutes in a hotel room - they certainly don't treat it like a gallery. hotel very hectic, staff not very helpful, churny tummy, lifts broken, non stop conversations and dashing around, sudden snow storm so I had to abandon car and sleep at a friends, then wear all her clothes on my opening day, tired, dry mouth, nerves, excitement, thrill, strange encounters. what will I do when it's all over.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 It's all over. It took most of the day to pack up and return various belongings to various friends, having lived an itinerant lifestyle for a week. I'm deeply exhausted and deeply safisfied.I had an overwhelmingly positive response to my piece, and had to turn lots of disappointed visitors away, who had heard from other Coastival-goers that the 'chamber-maid' was one of their highlights. I re-jigged the bookings to fit another 7 slots in on Sunday and still had to turn folk away. So I'm thrilled with the response, although I am already refining the piece in my head, and feeling a bit niggly about the bits I wasn't 100% happy with. Some people are never satisfied.Children are demanding to know what the schedule is for half term. Friend coming to stay tomorrow with two small children. I just want to sleep... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 This must be the comedown. Even when you know what it is it's not much fun. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I'm still having wild dreams where I am hauling projectors up endless dusty staircases, unable to find the right hotel room. I just haven't had a moment to mentally or emotionally process anything yet, having had an old mate and her two kids all squeezed into the house for a week, with lots to do and talk about. Youngest child goes back to school tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to an empty house. Got toothache today too. Here are some pics of the film which was projected in the window of room 315, viewable from the street all night. It caused a bit of a stir amongst late night drinkers. It's quite a lighthearted video of me doing daft things, (ungainly star jumps, crawling, jumping about, waving) interspersed with giant close-ups of my face. For those that saw inside the room it offered a very different perspective on the character who inhabits the room. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've been delaying posting a blog until a disc of images of 'Chamber Maid' arrives in the post from Julia Gatie, photographer. I'm not patient enough though, so that will have to follow. I do want to try to articulate that piece on the blog at some point though.In the meantime I am experiencing my first calm week for ages. No 'chamber maid', no house guests, no Creative Partnerships deadlines (I'm a freelance Creative Agent), no urgent need to do a food shop/ mouse-proof the kitchen/ go to the dentist... Most of these tasks are behind me for the time being, so I can finally let it all sink in and relax.Or, it turns out, I can spend 3 days solid catching up on book-keeping and emails. Now my neck and shoulders hurt, and I haven't even finished my books. Thinking about money has led me to reflect on recent developments and plan for the next phase - always striving to get the right financial/creative balance.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've got a terrible dirty secret and I need to confess. I've been paying a woman to clean my house. She's been doing it since November, but it just never seems the right time to mention it. Then a friend said that she'd noticed I was talking about housework less in my blog and I knew I had to come clean (so to speak).It's the most wonderful thing ever, I get genuinely excited about coming home to a clean house on a Monday. I make the whole family tidy up on a Sunday. It's no longer my burden and I feel liberated.How I reconcile this with my feelings of guilt about paying another woman  to clear up my sh*t is confusing. Like any number of guilty transactions (clothes from Asda, imported apples etc). And for that matter, why do I still see it as 'my' sh*t not 'ours'. I've also (obviously) stopped adding to my jars of dirt and dust from the house, so that piece of work is on-hold until further notice. Which also makes me happy. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 A list of good things that have happened to cheer me up.1. I've been invited to talk at the AIR open dialogues in Sheffield. A great opportunity. For me, words always flow better as written text, than when they come out of my mouth, but I'll give it a shot.2. I've decided that my luxury item on my desert island would be a pair of robins, perfectly adapted to the climate, but outwardly identical to British robins. It's been worrying me for years that I couldn't think of a luxury that I would actually want.3. I'm working on an artist's book to document the work produced during my ACE funded R&D year - working with a really good designer, Adrian Riley from Electric Angel4. My secret about the cleaner is out in the open. phew.5. I've decided to make more time for networking in West Yorkshire - we've lived here nearly a year, and I do really like it, but need to be more 'part of it'.6. I'm going to Venice Bienale - partner bought flights as a surprise Valentine gift. Not bad eh? 7. the days are lighter, the sun shines a bit more now, which makes everything a bit more cheery.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Here are a couple of pictures of elements of 'chamber maid'. I'm going to try to put some clips from the films onto youtube, but BLIMEY doesn't it take a lot of time to keep on top of your internet profile. My website's still under construction (Mrsite wasn't as easy as the packaging promised, so I'm going to enlist professional help), my Axis page took two hours to update last week, and still needs lots of images uploading, I've joined platform58 but not got round to actually doing anything with it, and I haven't even started with youtube.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 It's about time I wrote some sort of description of and about 'What the Chamber Maid Saw' - for some reason this task has grown into a monster in my head - not sure why, but can't be bothered to dwell on it - there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason about which tasks 'bother' me and which ones don't.My particular area of interest is around gender roles in domestic labour, contemporary roles for parents, fantasy roles, exploring private and public identities.My work often involves a voyeuristic element, as I create environments that reveal traces of inhabitation or human activity. The space and the objects within are cast as witnesses to an event, and the audience is left to imagine their own narrative. Collections of dust, dirt, detritus and bodily emmissions are often gathered as evidence of a life lived, of feelings and strong experiences. This installation incorporated all of these things. Room 315 in The Grand Hotel revealed the story of the absent female tenant, and was open to a lot of different interpretations by viewers. Visitors booked the room for 20 minutes, and were left uninterupted to poke around in drawers and cupboards. They then checked out and returned the key. The crumbling grandeur of the hotel also deserves a mention as part of the visitor experience.The drawers in the bedroom each contained a pair of womens knickers with photographs of details of the room stitched into them. Some are funny - a light switch, or a fire exit sign in a gusset. The knickers range from the extremely large and sturdy to the barely there. The bed was covered in a shiny gold bedspread, with screens embedded in 5 windows, showing videos of close-ups of body parts - perhaps an uncomfortable reminder of the many people who had used this bed.The hotel TV played a looped video of a woman in a sparkly dress spinning slowly round, arms outstretched, interlaced with footage of washing spinning in a machine - the two images fading in and out of each other.The sparkly dress re-appeared hanging above the toilet in the en-suite bathroom, which also contained photographs of details of the room, and blurred polaroids of the woman in the sparkly dress in the bathroom.The wardrobe had lots of empty honey jars and a felt cone dripping honey into an oval dish.On the desk there was a clear plastic file full of index cards. Each card held a labelled packet containing human debris - hair from the plughole, nail clippings, bogeys - with notes about when where and why they were gathered.A handmade notebook/diary offered more insights and intrigue.So - I think you get some idea from that?... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I went on a brilliant course at the weekend - 'Crunch' video editing with Impossible Theatre. Had a great time, trying out lots of ideas and not worrying too much about whether or not it's 'good art'. I'd like to get back to the studio and continue with this open approach. No deadline, no outcome required. That's always when the best things happen. Not sure when I'll get chance though. Last Thursday I wrote down all the tasks I have set myself, then tried to allocate slots in my diary between now and September to get everything done. It was like a jigsaw with too many pieces and it's so hard to prioritise. Being good at planning and organising my time is a double edged sword. It means I get a lot done, but I always feel under pressure, which makes it difficult to cultivate said 'open' approach. I feel like something needs to change, but not sure what. The Crunch weekend was a great breather. I think part of the problem is that since moving I haven't really found any mates to relax and pass time with, so the busy part of my life  fills the gap. So - I'll add that to the list - make more time for making friends.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 The bloody mice are back! mouse poo in a spoon on the draining board. nice. I've blocked all the holes I can find with wire wool and put two snap traps down. Relieved/disappointed to see they were empty this morning. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 The snap traps are rubbish. We've gone high tech with some kind of electronic electrocutor mouse zappy thing. Youngest daughter cried so we said it would just stun them then we can set them free (not true).Had nightmares all night - think it's guilt related due to knowingly lying to child and attempting to murder mice. Huge relief to discover empty zapper-trapper this morning. Canny mice got the peanut butter from the back, thus evading the zap. Mice 2, Masseys 0. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845   The good news!  Wednesday night. We caught a mouse, by hand, in a tupperware pot. It was hiding behind the bread bin so we chased it into a tupperware pot by waving a wooden spoon at it. Then we threw a tea towel over the top and admired how cute it was, and how pretty it's little hands are (see fuzzy picture taken on mobile phone). Then we set it free outside. A great moment. Hopefully that's the end of the mouse saga. The bad news! Friday morning. There was a little very still tail poking out of the zapper this morning. I had to have sit down before I opened the lid to examine the dead mouse. I had convinced myself that there was only one mouse and we had caught it. I am sure anyone with mouse experience is chuckling at my naivety. I don't want to have mice any more. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845   Some other unrelated and non-mousey things that have happened lately; I talked about my work at AIR Open Dialogue in Sheffield. I spent two days in advance of this worrying about how to say things that are both true and interesting, and clear without being limiting. I made myself a little collection of prompt notes on polaroids (it works like a list with no order of priority, as the polaroids open like a fan). The polaroids were a hit.  All that thinking about my work has made me feel like I'm missing something significant in the way I'm thinking about it. Not sure why I feel like this, but it makes it hard to relax. I'm still trying to document new work for Axis and youtube. When I opened the bag of stuff from 'What the Chamber Maid Saw' the bedspread gave off a strong smell of the Grand Hotel. I've sealed it back in it's bag to keep the smell in. I've filled in a long questionnaire from 'Creative and cultural Skills' about the needs of the visual arts sector. I tried to describe how it's sometimes hard to feel like I'm part of a sector. Then I answered an email from Andrew Bryant about the value of 'artists talking'. By the time I'd done that I had convinced myself that I feel part of an artist network. What's the relationship/gap between the sector and the network I wonder. Briefly. No time to dwell on it too long. Andrew's asking me to write a post about being an artist and a parent. Where do I start? It's the subject of a thesis, it's at the root of everything I do... I'll give it some thought. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 OK - so - artist and parent..  I became a parent in 1997, and immediately  came face-to-face with some hard realities. I had been living a very easy going hand to mouth existence up to this point, working into the night on art projects, living on pasta when the money stopped flowing, able to do things on a whim. The baby cried a lot and slept very little - not usually for more than an hour, followed by a long period of crying. I had always coped with difficult things in life through making art, and it just became impossible to do this. The baby needed me constantly, my partner worked long erratic hours in a theatre, and the only time I could afford childcare was when I was earning money. I carved out a living through developing and running various community based projects, flirted with health and arts work, managed an arts centre, and generally felt more and more despondent as I compromised my creative ideas to meet other people's agendas. In 2003, after 6 years caring for preschool children I decided something needed to change. The options were; 1. run away and reinvent a new life 2. get my art practice back on the road, instead of a furtive, squeezed between other jobs, and hidden from prying eyes and sticky children's fingers type of activity. The other persistent issue during this 10 year period was  a growing resentment that I seemed to be making all the compromises while my partner ran all manner of exciting events, worked all night, did things on a whim etc. It wasn't because he was callous, simply that his work earned money we needed, and my art practice didn't directly earn enough.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 continued from previous post (told you this was a subject liable to get me going)So -  based on my track record up until 1997, and the small projects I'd done in the intervening 10 years, ACE were prepared to fund me for a research trip to Kyrgyzstan to learn yurt making techniques.  This trip changed my life. Two weeks without  mobile phone or email contact. I had no duty to anyone but myself. This was the start of things, and I've really got my practice at the core of my life again now.I've had a couple of great mentors, Jane Sellars from the Mercer Gallery and artist Rebecca Chesney, who really gave me the confidence to make work from the starting point of my experiences as an artist and mother. This is what underpins all my work now.My practice involves an investigation into how we become who we are. I had to undo the version of myself that I had constructed as a mother, and reinvent my artist self. Now I have to be vigilant, to nourish and feed life into both roles. We all 'get into character' for our different roles in life, but I observe, document and analyse these roles, looking for a revelation in the details  of domestic life.I am interested in the way that subtle injustice becomes invisible, and therefore more insidious and undermining. In households with two heterosexual  parents working full time, the woman is statistically likely to be doing 80% of the domestic work in the home. My work, my art, my life are all intertwined and overlapping, each one influences the other. My life is rich, my children are at the heart of every thought I have, my art tries to express something about the subtle hidden elements of family life. The process reflects the content, to the extent that I don't know which element influences the other more.There are side effects to talking on this theme - it doesn't represent everything about my work, and some people enjoy looking at my work without ever knowing about this starting point, or identifying any feminist angle. This subject matter is an anathema to some people. I hope that the process of making the work is an evolutionary one, starting from the point of view of a parent, and resulting in something relevant to anyone. Some of the content of the work is entirely imaginary, mixed in with biographical information, which confuses and upsets people who think they know how I should be.So - parent as artist - artist as parent is a big theme for me. And I haven't even mentioned the discriminatory aspect of many artist opportunities - particularly residencies, which offer accomodation for one person and require you to commit intensively for several weeks. It precludes parents from a significant income stream.Ooh I'll be chuntering away all day now. Better go and see what the kids are up to - they've been worryingly quiet for ages.   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I am struggling to work out how to do something... how do I give myself a breather, feel happy with the progress I am making as an artist, and stop feeling intimidated by my lists (short/medium /long term ambitions v day-to-day life lists). It's making me grumpy.ps. no mouse activity to report. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845   Her: Great – now you're feeling better, you can wash up your own frying panHim: I'll have you know I've done trainer loads of washing up latelyHer: Trainer loads?Him: (chuckling) Yes, I'm so good at it I train people to wash up. And I didn't use a frying pan but I'll wash up and tidy the kitchen.Her: GreatHim: Who left this plate covered in poster paint in the sink. That's got to be the kids. They should deal with this.Her: I put it to soak last night. It's left over from when I started to decorate an egg with youngest daughter for her school competition. We never finished it because I worked loads of evenings that week. She cried at school when they awarded the prizes.Him: Oh. I'll wash it. He washes it and puts a greasy tray in the sink and fills a pan with soapy water. Then he goes to the toilet with the newspaper. She puts away yesterdays pots from the draining board. He returns. He sits at the table with a coffee.Her: (concentrating on keeping the accusatory tone out of her voice). Can I just ask something? I just wondered – are you going to do any more or have you finished? What? I'm just asking a question? It's just weird to me that you have stopped to drink coffee. I genuinely don't know if you've finished or not? It's sometimes hard to tell.. (she glances at the crumbs on the surfaces)Him: I haven't finished. I'm having a cup of coffee now. Then I will wash up, and wipe the surfaces like a normal person.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've got an idea niggling away at me about setting up a collective / network for artists who are parents, with a view to organising a gathering of some sort (with childcare obviously) - some combination of a seminar / residency / peer network /meeting / exhibition /guest speakers/debate/ gallery visits / space for thought type of thing... might be something to talk to NAN about... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've got plenty to say, but now I've actually sat down at the computer I really can't be bothered. It's been a long week, and I've worked on the computer all day.  Here's a rubbish joke instead.How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?    10. 1 to change it and 9 other to reassure her that it looks good.Here's another if you think you can take it. How many gallery visitors does it take to change a light bulb?   2. one to do it, and one to say, 'huh my four year old could have done that'.ps. Partner wants me to make it clear that if the 'him/her' blog happened to based on our conversation, that he didn't say that stuff about trainer loads, if he did it was slip of the tongue, and can I please change it because it makes him look like he's not very funny, when in reality he is hilariously witty.humour is a very personal thing. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Well! I have to admit I don't know where to start. I was going to talk about the incredibly interesting conversation I had recently with Valerie Bryson (google her - she's a feminist political theorist). She sent me her paper on time-use studies which is fascinating, and I'm chuffed to bits because she's agreed to write something for my artists book.But now, I'm preoccupied by Andrew Bryants comment below, and can't quite focus. 'why have children?' I just don't know how to answer this  - it seems a very intimate thing to ask, and although I suspect Andrew is posing it as a philosophical enquiry, I can only think of very personal responses, (not all of which are polite! I wonder if his friend told him to mind his own business before that conversation ended?) I think the word 'selfish' may be part of the irritant, as I suspect that most parents will argue that parenting is rooted in self sacrifice and generosity to another person, whereas non-parents are inherently selfish as they can choose when - and when not - to put others first.I should also qualify my slightly prickly first reaction, by saying I'm not in the least offended by the question, which is one well worth asking. Not one I can answer here though. Except to say that all of the happiest moments of my life have involved my children, and as they get older I love asking their opinions -refreshing insight, lateral and flexible thinking and honesty that is worth more than most adults I meet.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've been thinking and researching about what it means to be a parent and an artist, and what a collective would be like and what it's for. Here's a quote from c2c gallery in Prague relating to a show in 2007 entitled 'What Would We Be Without Children' - work by Matky a Otcove/Mothers and Fathers Collective (founded in 2001 by Lenka Klodova and friends - google her if you don't know her work, she's very interesting)In the permanent flow of daily chores and stress, generated by the family life, earning money and the art production, we tend to muse upon the unjust and undeserved state we are in. Considering this situation we think that we surely haven’t chosen it by our free will and so we wonder about the existence of a variety of alternatives determined by our better choices. This exhibition is a sculptural visualization of one aspect of the problem. http://www.c2c.cz/?id=2078Also - Susan Jones suggested a good name for the collective - APT = Artists Parents Talking. What do you all think? I'd also welcome any suggestions about how we might start communicating - an online forum perhaps, or other type of online group?   (... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 My studio is such a mess I've had to move into the big shared area to work. I'd get really wound up if the house was that chaotic, yet I'm very comfortable in my own personal disorder.Anyway - here's the plan so far. I had to write on a big piece of brown paper, ideas jumping from APT and related ideas, to other projects, all within the context of how much time I have in the next 12months and how much i need to earn - trying to find ways to do things that are part of my art practice and have potential for bringing in some money. I don't want to find myself responsible for a project that doesn't interest me in the end, so I need to be clear what does interest me!I think APT should begin linking people up through an online forum or something similar - the only criteria that you need to be a parent with caring responsibilities and a visual artist. The mini case studies on a-n have triggered a lot of interest so this could be something we expand on. There are the obvious possibilities of developing peer support, strategic advice, peer mentoring, information sharing. The barrier to participation might be that it's yet another 'thing to do online' when we're not blogging, twittering, updating axis, etc. Still - try it and see I reckon.Ultimately I would like to raise funds for a sort of collaboration/ residency - members would apply to take part. It would take place over an extended period so artists could come and go according to their domestic commitments. Childcare would need to be tailored to each artists needs. I'd really love to revisit the Womanhouse project (feminist art programme, Calfiornia, 1971http://www.womanhouse.refugia.net/ ) - secure a house/flat for a couple of months and collaborate to develop site specific works throughout. There's a virtual womenhouse project, so there may be links to be made there; http://www.cmp.ucr.edu/education/programs/digitalstudio/studio_projects/webworks/womenhouse/default.htmlAlso potential to link with mothers and fathers collective in czekoslovakia, and I'm going to New York in the aumtum to meet with women artists linked with A.I.R Gallery. I need to do more research, refine my ideas and assess the level of support for the idea, then look at fund raising, but I am interested in this. I really want to raise awareness of the challenges and inequalities we face, and the important contribution parents make as artists.Ok. This was supposed to be a computer free studio day, so enough now.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 just found this info about another project inspired by womanhouse. Shame I've just missed it, but I'll contact them as I'm going to New York soon. http://suzyspence.com/themoodbackhome/While I think of it, I would also be interested to hear from any parents/artists in the Huddersfield/ Holmfirth area - particularly any that have lots of fun and the odd drink as I still haven't got enough of this in my West Yorkshire life.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Susan Jones (a-n Director) has been in touch to offer support for APT = Artists Parents Talking!; 'I think we could help the APT artists as parents talking group create up a forum. Our IT developer is up on Monday and I can ask her to advise. It would be great to see AT acting as a catalyst in this way.'Brilliant - I'm very excited about getting this moving now. It keeps popping into my mind when I'm trying to concentrate on other stuff today - Creative Partnerships work, writing my biog and a case study for a proposal for an audience and market research project, prep for talking to a shop owner about an installation idea. Wish I could stop the clock. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 My lovely anthropologist friend,Anna, sent me this link to an article about the Co-operative Correspondence Club, a corespondence magazine established in 1935, by isolated housewives. 'each contributor would write pieces on any subject, mail them to the young woman who would stitch them together inside a cover and post to the first name on a prearranged list; that person would read and/or write any comments in the margins and send on to the next name and so on until the magazine had been fully circulated. 'What a lovely idea in this day of internet networking.http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article1453340.ece... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I think APT should talk about planning a NAN application - the deadline is drawing near, and it would be great for a few of us to get together - use the money for travel, venue and childcare (or bring kids along and work around them), and have a gathering. Perhaps in the middle of the country somewhere central for everyone - maybe in a bunk barn or other cheap self catering accomodation for an overnighter?  - I always think conversations change tone and relax in the evening (possibly something to do with opening wine, but not necessarily) Maybe there's a sympathetic gallery, exhibition, or other organisation we could visit - all suggestions welcome, but we'll need to get our skates on and divide some of the jobs up I think. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've been reading Valerie Bryson's paper on time use studies again. It's set me thinking about the fact that as a parent I am always on call, never off duty. It's more a matter of the degree of responsibility. As Valerie points out, even sleeping involves childcare, as a child is liable to wake up and need something at any point, and I have to be in a fit state to deal with it. Here's my sliding scale of responsibility. 0 is completely carefree and 9 is total attention to children.when I am asleep 1when they are asleep and I am in the house 2when they are asleep and I am out, but nearby 3when I am away overnight and partner is in charge 2once, when I was in Kyrgyzstan with no phone, email or other contact with home 0during school hours 3 (need mobile phone on and need to ensure I or someone else can collect sickly children/ do the school run).first thing in the morning 7 any time when children are experiencing extreme emotions (ill, upset, in the school play, excited)- 9This is probably boring for you, so I'll stop there. but fascinating for me. I might see if partner will do it, so we can compare approaches. hmmm. might cause a row, so will have to be careful how to approach this.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I think it's time this blog got back to the art - I'm quite happy to go off at an interesting tangent, but I think I might lose sight of the purpose of the exercise. I'm in an in-between stage, trying to decide which ideas to follow next. I've got a week set aside for filming myself opening 2 boxes of my old belongings that my mother packaged up and gave me 10 years ago. I've never looked in the boxes since. I feel I need to revisit all my notes about recent progress, to set the scene in my head before I do it. Here's a selection of my unedited notes, in the order they popped into my head;My over arching intention is to explore how we become who we are, with reference to feminist theory – I am experimenting with different methods of investigating this – conversations, blogging, writing, desk based research, making images and installations.I am looking for ways to understand  issues of identity and gender roles in domestic situations more deeply,. I use a range of methods to do this;  fantasy inventions, imagining different ways that women might respond to this predicament (eg. What the Chamber Maid Saw). blogging about my experiences as a way of observing and instigating changes in my own situation. I get into character for doing the school run, and observe myself breathing life into the role. This in itself is a creative process.The process of making the work, reflects the content. This self reflexive approach is fascinating and suffocating. I try to tune into the details – details are what connect us – I remember the way someone moves their eyes when they speak, or their hands – this is how we see life. I try to go beyond the overlooked familiar and find information in the details of the dirt, dust and detritus we leave behind.  I look for clues about people's private and public identity as symbiotic qualities. I consider this in terms of 'truth', 'fact' and 'memory' – all of which are shifting and unstable, and yet somehow determine our sense of identity.I like the voyeuristic quality to my work. It is in some ways a side effect of what I do, although it may also be the major factor. We are compelled to peer into lit windows at night time, and gain an internal sense of satisfaction and power from doing so. I enjoy the feeling of power from provoking this need in others, and the ambiguity about the 'truth' of what I am presenting. Writing lists, keeping records of all the domestic planning and co-ordinating I plan to develop my own time-use study on Twitter  Initiating a new network for parents who are artists – APT = Artists Parents Talking ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845   I'm going to New York in the autumn – a research trip, funded by ACE and supported by A.I. R gallery... I'm feeling a bit nervous about it now, because I suffer with dysgeographica (geographical dyslexia – I even get lost in buildings that I have worked in for years, public toilets, my home town). Yesterday I spent a frustrating and humiliating half hour pacing round a multi storey car park (probably going in circles, but I can't be sure as my sense of direction is so limited). I keep thinking I might start to document some of my lost experiences. It's so distressing though – I get really panicky and feel genuinely worried that I might never find where I want to go. It's almost hopeless asking for advice, as I can't apply what they say to the actual road. Maps are the same – they make sense as maps, but don't seem to relate to the actual road. It's like trying to understand a complex philosophical or mathematical theory – I see how it could make sense, but have no idea of how to apply it in a real situation. If I arrive at a junction from a different direction, I don't know where I am. How am I going to do New York?!!  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've just seen the first draft of my artists book and I love it! I'm so excited about it again. A great end to a long hard day. Full credit to Adrian Riley, Electric Angel, for a sterling job!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845   I keep feeling like I should be doing more in my studio. Despite my ACE funding, designed to enable a 'sustained period of studio time', I still feel my practice is fractured and 'bitty'. The money has relieved the pressure to earn money to some extent, but I still can't turn down freelance opportunities that may be lucrative, or lead to further work – and I still have a family to care for. It's just been half term AGAIN – I feel like they are never at school lately! To some extent I think I am more focussed and driven than I have ever been, as a direct result of having children. But I can't help wondering if approaching my making through a series of short bursts of energy, (rather than in a natural timescale, where one works on a job until it is appropriate to leave it) must affect the end result. I think I need to organise a couple of days soon where I can just stay in the studio until I'm ready to leave, rather than when the alarm sounds – I literally do set an alarm, that gives me precisely 3 minutes to get out of the studio and on the road, which means I arrive at the school gate in a distracted state, but allows me to squeeze every drop out of the time.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Ps. Keep forgetting to mention - I decided not to rush ahead with a NAN application for APT = Artists Parents Talking. I've had tons of ideas about what we might do, but I'd like to develop the conversation through the a-n forum (when it's set up) then apply to ACE and NAN together for a more substantial fund to develop the network strategically. I keep wanting to forge ahead more quickly, but I know from experience that it's better to be patient and do things properly. I forgot my 'two year theory' in my excitement. (every project takes two years to do, so get your head round it, keep working at it, accept it and remember that 'Rome wasn't etc etc')... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've hit an alltime low. I feel really overwhelmed, and like giving it all up. I've decided to blog about it, because if no-one admits that sometimes it's too hard, it sets impossible standards for everyone else, and we all compare ourselves to these false images of parents who cope beautifully. I'm tired, I'm run down, I keep being ill, I'm short tempered, small problems feel like big problems. No matter how I try to shoe horn my workload into my available time it doesn't fit. I need to worker harder, quicker, longer and I just can't find the energy.Worst of all, I have two projects that I want to make, and I don't see any possibility of finding the time to get in my studio to do them. Despite ACE funding, I still haven't made the work that's agitating around in my mind.  I need to change my attitude and my work pattern, because I value my health and happiness. But, once again, it looks like the thing to go will be the studio time. I need to accept that these two projects may take years not months to achieve, which is so frustrating when I know I could probably get them resolved if I could work on them full time for two months. I need to cultivate patience and generosity towards myself, but my mind is filled with a sense of disappointment and failure. Maybe I've got things out of perspective, but today the future feels bleak.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 How to not buy an i-phone in 4 chapters. 1. After much deliberation, and aching shoulders from lugging a laptop around, decide to invest in an i-phone. 4pm Sunday, pile family into car, drive to O2 shop, discover that current phone contract with 3 has a month to run. Decide to wait a month. Go home. Spend a month noticing all the occasions when I would have used my iphone. i2. One month later. Go back to O2 shop, discuss the various details and decide the business contract is best. Haven't brought any documentation or ID for my business. Go home. Spend a week or so noticing all the times when I would have used my iphone. 3. Some time later. Go back to O2 shop. Discover the new phone comes out today, along with new contract details so discuss options, and make decision. Phone 3 for PAC code. Possibly the most stressful 25minutes of my life battling with relentless woman to get PAC code. Felt quite shaky by the end. She said she would text it in the next few hours. Hang out in town for a few hours. 4. Go back to O2 shop. Very busy (new phone out - I find it weird how many people want one immediately). My credit application is rejected! Go home feeling depleted and contact experian. My record shows I went a few pounds over my overdraft limit twice in the last year and haven't fully paid off my credit card for the last couple of months. No late payments or other misdemeanours. Can't believe this is enough to reject my application. Awaiting reply from enquiry to experian. continuing to notice all the times when I would have used my iphone. PAC code expires in a month, so if I don't get it all sorted, I'll have to psyche up to that phone conversation again.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 There is only one thing to say. I would rather be in Venice than here. review of Venice trip on interface.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 The I-phone. Chapter two. Failed attempt no. 5 Got all my ID, and set off in new second hand car, armed with printed experian report - status summary 'excellent'. Roughly 47 seconds later car ground to a halt. Got out of car, walked back home. Unbelievably annoying. Failed attempt no. 6 Car was easily repaired by judiscious administering of petrol into the fuel tank. Looks like the fuel gauge doesn't work. Drove to town, feeling quite nervous and excited. This is it! Today I get my phone! With GPS (or whatever you call it) so I won't get lost in London tonight! Talked to staff in the shop who said the experian report probably wasn't the main problem in the first place. I applied for a business account, and one of the main factors is the credit status of the address. I know that the previous occupier of my house ran a businesss from the house and had debt collectors - we've had letters and visits from them. The house could be blacklisted for three years. I can apply again in a month if I want, but a negative response will affect my credit rating. All I want is to give them money for a phone! Meanwhile, 3 are desparate to keep my business and keep calling with better offers. Maybe this is the point where i give up.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Who cares about i-phone when fantastic poster size prints of dirty dishes have arrived. I'm sticking them all over the kitchen, to compete with the real thing.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Is it important to try to avoid being labelled or pigeon holed as an artist, or is it impossible to control? If I use the words 'feminist' or 'textile' or 'domestic' am I alienating part of my audience, who might otherwise enjoy the work? Is this thought in itself a prejudiced attitude? If I show work in stately homes does it undermine the possibility of showing in serious galleries? Is any of this even worth thinking about? meanwhile I keep taking photo's of washing on lines - I particularly like  bedsheets. I've got some good pics of red bed sheets on my phone but bluetooth won't work so I can't show you.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've just had a great conversation with Martina Mullaney, an artist who is organising a discussion on Friday: Enemies of Good Art  Whitechapel Art Gallery - Friday 17th July 14.30"there is no more somber enemy of good art than the pram in the hall". Cyril Connolly,  Enemies of Promise, 1938 An incidental highlight of the conversation was the discovery that like me, she is also sporting one shaved and one hairy leg this summer - I think it's due to lack of time, not a post-feminist statement! We could have it as a secret dress code for membership  of APT!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 got this in my email - hurrah! Hello Rachel   Your work has been selected by Katy Deepwell (feminist art critic and Reader in Contemporary Art, Theory and Criticism at University of the Arts, London and editor of n.paradoxa: international feminist art journal (www.ktpress.co.uk) for the latest Curated Selection on Axis: 'Feminist Art practices: rewind, remix and pump up volume!'. To view, please use the link below: http://www.axisweb.org/atSelection.aspx?AID=2372... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 If you start a conversation about housework with your life-partner with the words 'This is a non-confrontational question...' does that immediately establish a confrontational standpoint. Advice please.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 In a camping barn in Cumbria, with my partner and kids, and a group of mates: one couple with a baby (she's an artist, he's a graphic designer) and one single parent mother (an artist) with 5 year old daughter: All three artists have taken a collection of bags boxes and laptops with the intention of 'doing some arty' stuff on holiday. The bags of sketchbooks, boxes of research books and laptops remained untouched all week. Toward the end of the week we laugh about our persistently foolhardy ambitions that we would do any art. Kath observes that 'normal people don't have this extra thing in their life to worry about. They have jobs and they have homelife to manage, but they don't have a third thing to feel guilty and stressed about. They probably have hobbies. Artists don't have time for hobbies.' I think she summed it up beautifully. Whenever I temporarily get so caught up in living that I forget to approach life with a detached artists eye, I really enjoy myself - and there's time to get everything done, it all works easily! This only works in the short term though. I eventually get fed up - everything is tainted by a sense that 'there must be more to life than this'. Making art gives me energy, makes sense of everything and gives life a purpose. hmmm - sounds a bit like a religion - never saw it that way before.. So - making art detaches me from the everyday, and it deepens my experience of life. Must remember that the next time I wonder why the hell I'm up at 3am doing an art project that I've initiated and then grown to dread. I've added an image I made ages ago - when my children were very small I sometimes tried to record all my activity over a few hours - to help me understand what I actually did all day long. This is an undeveloped but interesting project that I return to occasionally.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've been looking at holiday pics and thinking about how much fun we had. Then I remembered that I wrote a blog post while we were away, but couldn't upload it as we were too far from civilisation to have wifi or even mobile phone service. Here's what I wrote. It's not how I remember it at all - we had a fab time, learned a bit about sheep shearing and cow-milking (not the correct technical term I suspect) (a beautiful jersey calf was born while we were there) spectacular walks and lots of fun. Or alternatively, on an off moment... ' We're on holiday in Duddon Valley in Cumbria for two weeks. Is it just coincidence that on the same day that I start thinking about my art ideas I get my first headache of the holiday? It could be the red wine, although I've had a couple of glasses every night for a week without ill effect. It could be the change in the weather – it's been raining lots for two days now. It could be withdrawal symptoms – I get a bit testy after a week of relaxing – give me a sense of purpose any day. It could be lack of personal space. Family holidays sort of imply that you have to enjoy every minute of being in the company of your family. I enjoy each minute when I look at the minutes independently but when you put all the minutes together it seems like a lot to ask. It could be that I experience instant tension when I start thinking about the 'making art v making money' conundrum. Or am I just a grumpy sod.' I think we all know the answer to that one.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I finally got the photo's off my phone, so I've added them to the blog in the relevant slots. Even better than this is the news that this phone is now relegated to 'my old phone' status, as I have an iphone! It is everything I'd hoped it would be, although I don't seem to be able to add a post to my blog from my iphone - not sure why yet. There is of course a related tale about how I got the contract sorted, but who cares any more, I'm just happy to have it.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Hurrah – I’ve just burned the dinner again. This is a very good thing, because it means I was totally absorbed in thinking about art, and totally forgot that there was something in the oven. Totally burned to a cinder, smoke alarm blaring, cooked half an hour ago type of burned. Ace.   Kids are eating cheese sarnies and apple instead, and I’m heading back up to my sketchbook on the bed.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I am reading n.paradoxa while the fa mily watch rubbish tele. I feel very righteous.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Can't sleep - and when I do I'm troubled by giant dream parasites. Might be something to do with the fact that I've just dosed the family with worming tablets and am working my way through washing all bedlinen, towels, bathmats, nighties. If it's not that it's nits I suppose. Or the fleas from the neighbours cat. Kids and pets = yuk. I'l try to think about happy things instead. My piece for Leeds Light Night is coming along nicely - it's called 'Inside Out'. I've just written the blurb for the brochure, as follows: ‘Inside Out’ a site specific installation by Rachel Howfield (www.rachelhowfield.net) For one night only, this new work,  made specially for Light Night, offers a playful look at the notion that ‘you are what you wear’. Satisfy  your voyeuristic tendencies, and spend some time loitering on the street to watch video projections or peeking into changing cubicles to see an intriguing installation. Drop in any time between 5pm and 9pm on 9th October 2009 - Ace Clothing, Boar Lane, Leeds    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 feel a bit guilty when partner gets home from a long day of work to chaos, no dinner, no food in cupboards, and a list of demands (from me) relating to the benefits of short throw projector lenses over normal lenses. He's gone in search of fish n chips. Then I remember - I've also had a long day's work whilst simultaneously persuading younger daughter to write birthday thank you letters/ tidy up after herself  and ferry older daughter to horses and back and wash three sets of bedding (to eliminate threadworm eggs). it rained on the washing. I forgot to go to physio and my head hurts. so - enough of the guilt. fish n chips are arriving - hurrah... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I am totally happy - all day - guaranteed. The thrills and spills of being an artist. After two days of agitating, and obsessively checking and refreshing my emails I got a response from AIR Gallery in New York... 'Your work has been selected forinclusion in the Mother/mother- exhibition. Mother/mother- began as a labor of love, to find work by artistswilling to embrace their dual roles of parent and artist, who proudlylet parenting inform and expand their work. There were over 300 submissions, many of which were strong. I am thrilled to have the opportunity to include your work in the show. Specificdetails about the work selected, loan contracts, drop-off/deliverydates, etc will follow very shortly.' I hadn't dared to mention my application in previous posts, I wanted to keep it private - public disappointment is really uncomfortable.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I need to make a public statement about my clever and generous partner, to balance some of the criticism about his approach to domesticity. (not that he gives a damn when I write about that - he's very comfortable with his approach to 'dirt-blindness'). Anyway, back to hte point before I start moaning again. He stayed up with me last night until very late, helping design the flyer for 'Inside Out'. He didn't complain and was very patient, despite having an early start and a long day in London ahead of him. He has guided me through all the technical/production aspects of this piece (video projections are one of his specialities). His name isn't even on the flyer, yet he's booked a day off work to help set up on the day. Now isn't he just mint?! Every artist needs one. www.lightnightleeds.co.uk - event number 164... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 me: look - all you have to do is stand in the changing room, with your jeans round your ankles for 10 minutes while I take some photos older daughter: muuum. you are SO embarassing. me: I'll buy you a milk shake.  Think of it like work placement - artist's assistant. older daughter: I do not want to be an artist mum. me: Go on - it will be fun - a day out together. Older daughter:I'll do it if no-one's looking. If anyone comes in the shop, don't talk to me. me: deal. older daughter: humph  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Tons of stuff going on. The curator of Mother/Mother, jennifer wroblewski, has put me in touch with two fascinating women - Sharon Thomas is an artist based in Scotland and also taking part in the show. myrel chernick is a curator, currently working on a book - check out http://www.myrelchernick.com/maternalmetaphors. I'm filming at ACE Clothes in Leeds this afternoon to gather footage for my installation 'inside out'. I'm researching artists who are mothers for a curatorial proposal - some inspiring role models are coming to light. Might help challenge ignorant assumptions about what sort of art mothers make. Got a meeting booked at ACE to talk about APT-Artists Parents Talking. A load of new schools to work with as a creative agent. And my heads still spinning after an afternoon discussion at The Brunei Gallery in London with a group of anthropologists, curators, art historians. No wonder I'm not sleeping well!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 In the interest of balance and truth I feel obliged to report that today I did 'one of my routines' as they are fondly known in our house. 'I can't cope, I do everything in this house, I never get a day off, it's not normal, something needs to change, I don't know how to do it differently, it's just chaos all the time, go away daughter I'm talking to your dad, it's not possible to do less, well that's easy for you to say, yes I know we've been over all this before. a lot.' I'm going to try keeping my work to 4 days a week, and spend a day a week getting on top of home and life. Any bets on how long it'll last?... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 When I'm incubating an idea, preparing to transform it into a reality, I wish I could skip the stage I'm in now - the 'oh god what was I thinking, this is a terrible, boring, pointless idea that no-one is interested in - and I've got to force myself to see it through' stage. I keep wanting to just give up, but then have to face the stark reality that that means giving up on everything I've been working on for the past several years as all my ideas are facets of one driving force. I like the shiny exciting glint of a new idea feeling much better than this. A cup of tea and spot of 'hanging out the washing' should see me through in the short term. I think that's one of my top ten strategies - washing as art practice. Good job there are loads of dirty clothes to go at. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I keep dreaming that I'm typing great witticisms and brilliant insights into my blog. If only it were true. I can't even remember them in the morning. At least I am brilliant in my sleep I suppose. I found this, in my handwriting in a notebook, which was encouraging: 'sometimes when I'm writing, reading or thinking about art I get a sensation in my head as if a blast of wind has briefly lifted a lid on my brain and I have a sense of a possibility of seeing/thinking about things differently. Then it's gone.' I'm pretty sure I must have written it, as I certainly understand the sentiment! Below, in a different pen it said this, (which I will put into practice soon - probably alone in the living room...) 'Hard Times Require Furious Dancing', Alice Walker 2007... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 At the front of a very long queue of traffic, in conversation with the man in the toll booth at the Humber Bridge. man: £2.70 love me: oh dear... the thing is, I don't actually want to cross the bridge...I took the wrong turning at the.. man: this is a toll bridge. You need to give me £2.70 me: yes I see. It's just that, I don't actually have any money, and I don't want to cross the bridge. I went wrong at the roundabout and... man: all the cars are waiting. me: (wobbly voice). Oh dear. What should I do? You see I couldn't turn round because of the central reservation and I'll be late to pick up my daughter if I have to go all the way over the bridge and back and I've got no money and... man: you can pay by card me: (all attempts at assertiveness dissolved). oh. Yes. of course. That's what I should do.... (tearily) can I have a return ticket? Or at least that was the version of events in my head as I sat helplessly in the queue. Then I spotted a gap in the central reservation, hurrah, yahoo!! A way out, and better still no need for assertiveness or confrontation. I blame it on The Archers - it was Annette's latest love interest that distracted me.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Tra la la, Tralala, everything lovely, on top of everything, leisurely session in studio exporting video for light night. Tra la laaaaaagh!!!! Logon process initialization failure. Please consult the event log for more details. I have an event log? huh? See you at Light Night. This Friday. In 4 days. I'll be the one in a heap in the corner. 'Inside Out' at ACE Clothing, 5 -10pm, Leeds www.lightnightleeds.co.uk The changing rooms in the shop are cast as wtiness to our consumerist desires. A film (strangled yelp goes here) about presence and absence projected in the shop windows. And some other stuff in the changing cubicles. (gulp).... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Well, my laptop seems to have got over it's funny turn, which is a huge relief. I couldn't get past the warning message to do anything yesterday, but after a lot of faff it seems OK now. I shouted at older daughter about downloading stuff on my work laptop, and wouldn't run her around to her activities because I needed to sort it out. Now I don't really think it was her fault after all. I said sorry, and am comforting myself with the thought that a good telling off never did me any harm, and it'll help keep her in line in anticipation of future misdemeanours. Still - once I get over the guilt, I can get back to looking forward to Light Night again. No more  the 'heap in the corner' - I'll be the one greeting you at the door with the big smile. Lots to do before then though - today I am: booking flights to New York (took literally hours, and at one point I accidentally got two flights and had to phone helpline in USA to sort it out) - co-ordinating two schools in shortlisting and selecting creative practitioners - authoring DVD's and burning 5 copies - making lists of what to pack for 'Inside Out' Leeds Light Night installation - making mental notes about shopping for daughters outward bounds thing (she goes on Sunday for a whole week and will need more clothes) - stretching my sewing skills making a hidden pocket for an ipod in a pair of jeans for 'Inside Out' and all before the 3pm school run. I feel a bit jangly.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 All stations go. Projectors are in transit, more diffusion filter being delivered to studio, just received my acrylic print from Photobox, and I'm packing boxes of stuff to take to Leeds tomorrow. 'Inside Out' for Leeds Light Night, at Ace Clothing, 9 Duncan Street, Leeds LS1 6DQ. 01132 454 555. 5pm - 10pm on Friday 9th October (tomorrow!) I'm experiencing the usual stage fright, and trying to rationalise it so that it doesn't disable me too much. I try to think of it as an interesting sensation, rather than as nausea, headache and jangly shakiness. I have a strong desire to paint watercolour seascapes from now on, but partner helpfully pointed out that it won't work because I'm crap at painting. Partner also dared to suggest that I've only got myself to blame, no-one is making me do it. Then he went off to work on an overnighter. He's probably best out of it. Still - he'll come up trumps tomorrow when I don't know what lead to attach to what kit, and get all flappy. Fingers crossed.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I'm tired in that deep rooted feel poorly kind of way. I should feel chilled and relaxed after Light Night but I'm haunted by all the stuff I didn't do while I was doing Light Night. Also really hectic doing Creative Agent stuff. 'Inside Out' for Light Night was OK - visitor numbers were a bit slow,  but it was a wet night, ACE Clothing is a bit off the beaten track and there were over 100 events on, so can't complain really. Everyone that came liked it. I felt stressed all night though - we had problems with the projector and I wasn't 100% happy with a couple of the installations in the changing cubicles. They were OK, but not my favourite work. The window projections were good. I think I got the balance of content and mass appeal right for this sort of 'festival' type of event and the windows gave passersby an 'instant hit' without demanding too much effort (mental or physical). Other good news - my work's been chosen for a book about artist mothers 'The M Word'. Also i've had a great conversation with Kat Griefen, Director of AIR Gallery in Brooklyn, NY,and I'm going to run a discussion event for artist parents. Finally I had a really positive and interesting meeting with Julia Keenan at ACE recently about APT = Artists Parents Talking - I've got a much better idea about how to strategically position the network, particularly in terms of fundraising. Just need more energy to keep all the balls in the air...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I feel like I'm getting nearer to where I want to be in terms of art career development, but further from being the artist I want to be. Things are happening, people are interested in my work, and thats very very good. Yet I am so busy doing all the things that support this progress, that I've lost any strong sense (or experience) of my practice. I feel a bit exposed as a result. Always organising, no open imaginative space. I have to remind myself that this is a phase it will change. Once upon a time I only needed to apply mind over matter mantras due to a bad hangover comedown - 'this will not last for ever, it's just the drugs, this will not last for ever its just the...' Back in the good old days! Now the odd hangover is quite a pleasurable release from thinking and working! I can't believe that back in the summer I was looking forward to lots of studio time once my kids went back to school! I should know by now, September means tons of Creative Agent work, tons of childrens activities for my kids, tons of catching up with book-keeping, applying for things in an attempt to combat imminent poverty after a long summer and general stressiness. To top it all my washer broke. I'm trying to think of that as a release from washing duties. I just hope things move on soon! I'm taking part in a critical discussion 'Stock Exchange' in November and feel I would dry up if I had to do that now.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Two lines of thought today. 1. I am very grateful for all the mothering I receive from my own mum and my mum-in law. They don't bat an eyelid, just keep offering their support in the best way they can. 2. I tried to do too many things at once and cocked something up today and I feel really really crap about it.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I feel like a bit of a con-artist at the moment. I'm presenting the world with a convincing impression of an artist, when in reality I haven't really engaged with my practice for weeks. I feel really disengaged from it in fact. I am busy from dawn til dusk, (and often for an additional hour from 3am - 4am thinking, planning organising). I don't play chess, but my life feels the way that chess looks to an ignorant bystander. Lots of  different elements shifting up down and across according to their own rules, with no clear route through to success, but compelled to play out their drama. All the usual stuff going on - home, kids, money, agent work for Creative Partnerships, thinking about my art and suspecting it's mostly rubbish. I feel uniquely persecuted in my struggle against the chaos of home life, even though I know it's far from unique.  You know the story and I don't want to talk about it any more, I'm boring myself.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 my neighbour really shouted at me yesterday over a fence dispute and I said sorry a lot even though it wasn't my fault. Not good for self esteem, but good for not getting thumped. now I am going to sneak out of my house and take refuge in my studio. so - there's the silver lining - studio time. computer based jobs are taking over my life and numbing me so this is a good thing. OK - hood-up and run for it, take cover behind the wall, into the car and don't look back.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Next stop 'Stock Exchange' - New Work Yorkshire's new initiative to bring together artists for critical discussion. I sent an image and proposal as my 'stock' to invest in the discussions. Now I'm reassessing the relevance of my proposal and thinking about how to use my 15 minutes presentation time. everything changes all the time, ideas, reasons, directions, confidence, motivation, purpose. Hope a couple of days in the studio next week will help me work some of this out. problem solving by creative action, not overthinking.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 7.45am stagger out of bed, harass children into getting washed dressed etc 8.45am in junior school doing reading session with daughters class 9.15 on the road, to the studio, pick up milk and tea bags 9.45 frantic scouring out mouldy mugs and cleaning disgusting stinky shared kitchen at studio because I have a guest coming 10.30 reporter from Huddersfield Examiner arrives. Talk about my New York trip, APT, my family – forget to offer tea. 10.50 feeling a bit despondent – reflecting on interview and wishing she hadn’t got me to talk so much about partners job and our children. It doesn’t feel right for some reason 11 – 12 can’t get focused – do a few emails and phone calls 12 - 3.55 eat biscuits and do big diagrams, notes, lists and charts about how I will approach my session at ‘Stock Exchange’ (a sort of crit/sharing session with other artists). Get a call from reporter about organizing photo – say I’ll ring her after school run - my diary is at home 3.57 realise the time, panic, throw everything in my bag, jump into car to get daughter from school club 4.30 get home, trip over all the shoes in the hall and find a note from a delivery company – parcel next door 4.32 – 4.50 carry 4 heavy boxes from next door. Neighbour brings one for me – apologise about trainers in hall and breakfast dishes all over kitchen (wince). Gossip with neighbours long enough to be polite 4.50 -5.05 cheese on toast for kids, open one of the boxes – hurrah – artists books are here and are ace 5.10 shout at kids to hurry up, chuck all horsey kit in car and dash out again, arrive at pony field (older daughter’s  loan pony), attach head torch and discover water carrier has emptied most of water into my boot. Wring out some stuff in boot, shout at older daughter to get hay quicker, throw hay into horse field, back in car drive for 20 minutes, jaw clenched 5.35 arrive at riding school for younger daughter’s 5.30 lesson. Find pony, drag it into arena, apologise for lateness. Watch riding for 55mins. Keeping having minor anxiety attacks about people reading the newspaper article, reading my blog and discovering what I actually do in the name of art. 6.30 – 6.45untack pony, back in car, drive home for 20 minutes. Two messages from reporter – oops. One message from inlaws about Christmas present requests from kids. I pass the message on. 7.10pm discover freezer door was left open, everything frozen solid. Scrape out big chunks of ice. Mop up big puddle. Find something to bung in oven 8pm eat my beige oven dinner and field a range of questions from daughters about their social lives 8.30 - 8.45 clean kitchen and type this. Still got to put kids to bed, deal with some emails and see if I’ve got anything clean to wear for my 7.30 start tomorrow – creative agent school meeting. Knackered.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 23.32 Just about to turn off the computer and end the day. I need to wind down double fast - to get 8 hours sleep I need to be asleep an hour ago...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Excerpts from my 'Stock Exchange' notes and thoughts; I write a blog, an activity which has significantly raised the profile of ‘audience’ in my mind – people contact me with responses to my posts, or treat me with avaricious delight when they meet me, having read the blog. I used to be pleased and surprised that people had read it. Currently I’m unsettled about who has and hasn’t read it, and what assumptions they have made based on what they read. The blog has inhabited an ambiguous space between truth and invention. It’s a way of examining and subverting  the private and public. The process of selecting, editing,  enhancing stories to include is a creative one. But now I am  inhibited by an imagined audience of critics and experience anxiety about being discovered/outed by neighbours and parents at the school gate, who, until now have assumed that I’m the same as them, and only discover I’m not through reading the blog. I can easily imagine the response to this sort of self indulgent rambling... good Yorkshire straight speaking 'bollocks'... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/nov/22/working-women-husbands-housework   'Useless stay-at-home men' a female myth   Working women who claim partners don't pull their weight do so to feel more feminine and in charge in the home.   '....Meisenbach said the trend of the female high achiever and the male slacker is a tall story that women tell each other to compensate for the fact that most career-orientated women feel an "overwhelming sense of guilt" over their role and less of a mother and a wife.'   Great. I feel so much better, safe in the knowledge that any injustice I experience can be explained by my insecurity about my role as a wife and mother. Splendid. now - what to do first, iron my hubby's shirts, tidy the children's book corner or earn some money.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I have a list for everything. On every surface, in every pocket and bag. What happened to my usual satisfying process of merging and restructuring all the lists into a plan? I'm having a Frank Spencer moment. Only I don't have a Betty. oh dear. what to do. Here's some publicity for the show in New York. It'll be great once I'm there.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 ps. remembering to be positive despite the list-horrors - I'm getting a bit of publicity on the back of the Mother/Mother mailout and my new artist book 'What a Complete Waste of a Day'.... interview and image featured in ACE Yorkshire ebulletin 'White roses in the Big Apple' article in Huddersfield Examiner about APT NY the book will be offered on a-n as either an AIR subscriber prize or a review prize for interface reviewers! It's easy to 'not get round to' doing the legwork with promoting yourself - but I'm glad I've put the hours in, because it's growing! I wonder how i'll get on with the face-to-face networking and promotion in NY - selling myself is not my favourite thing by any stretch!  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 Something unusual has happened to me. I don't want to do anything, and more significantly I DON'T CARE that I don't want to do anything. Partner says it's like I've returned from New York a different person. Even more strange, I don't want to think or write about art, or look at any art, or watch tv programmes about art. I only get a tiny way through a thought about art and I just feel disinterested. Is this what happens after a year or so of obsessive driven art-making, profile-building and questioning? I just had so much I wanted to do, that as soon as I got the ACE research funding I couldn't come up for air. Now I've done everything I outlined in that funding bid. At the beginning of the project I hardly dare wish that I would gain any recognition or exhibitions. Now I have had lots of 'highs' (inclusion in curators choice on Axis, successful installation in Coastival, a beautiful artists book, and inclusion in a really good show in New York no less). So how do I celebrate? I feel bored of all my ideas, don't want to show any of my work any more. Think I might go and clear out my studio- piles of bags and boxes from various projects are piled up everywhere.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 ps. in complete contradiction to what I've just written (of course - everything is always uncertain, even when I feel quite definite).. if you want a copy of the artist book send me your address - I'll send one free of charge courtesy of ACE Research and Development funding rachel@rachelhowfield.net... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I've had a couple of requests for a New York blog post, so I'll give it a bash, although it feels like a tricky task. I just don't know which version of the tale to tell. In some respects it was a story of two halves, because for the first 3 days I had my splendid artist friend Rachel Welford with me. So the APT NY talk was great because she helped set out chairs and let latecomers in the (locked) main entrance, the Chelsea gallery visits went well because she can read a map, the preview went well because I could keep having a networking-breather and hang out with her, and everything else went well because we talked about everything and shared the odd glass of something. But hidden below all this was a residual monster, waiting to get a bit of space to loom up and take residence. It kept tripping me up and scheming to undermine my achievements. Have you guessed it yet? That well known enemy of the artist - anxiety and self doubt - which kept me in a mental loop about whether or not I was doing it (NY) right, or well enough.  Maybe the major influencing factor was the extremely distressed and anguished younger daughter who sobbed for a whole day before I left and most of the time I was away, leaving me in a cloud of guilt and worry? Maybe I was so exhausted and jetlagged that I could have been in Filey for all I could take anything in? Maybe etc. Believe you me I've followed this line of thought to the point of no return. I think I started my solo flight quite well - in my best dress with a glass of champagne in MOMA. Shortly followed by a bout of high velocity nervous diarhoea! Despite this I still managed to get to PS1 ('Robert Bergman, Selected Portraits' penetrated my self obsessed rambling), Brooklyn Museum (loved 'Reflections on the Electric Mirror:New Feminist Video'), Macy's store (like being in a big machine and being spat out on a different street wondering what happened - aborted my shopping mission very quickly and took refuge in another encounter with the subway map - aaagh). I totally failed to get to Williamsburg galleries, which I got very worked up about, and recorded lots of sniffling rambling monologues on my iphone thinking it might provide material for a piece of work about dysgeographica. Believe me - I've listened to it at home and it should never see the light of day. Oh and did I mention that I drank some of the worst 'tea' (often not worth the name) I've ever experienced. Ask for tea and you get a cup of water and a tea bag on a plate. To say it's the 'capital of the world' they need to get that one sorted. It was a great adventure, and now I want a rest, and time to assess the new terrain. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 You just don't even want to know how much moaning I'm doing lately. Bad back, migraine, tonsilitus, car won't work, schools shut, snow... I've started work on my final report to ACE. It's satisfying to list all the positive developments over the last year or so. It's in keeping with my general state of mind - reappraising and evaluating everything. Maybe I'm looking for ways to get out of a rut.  I feel like I want to go under the radar for a while, follow my whim without so much analysis and public documentation. I feel like there's some burden of expectation - and while I know the only pressure comes from myself, I still feel like it would be nice to remain private for a while til I get myself back together. A fallow period perhaps. Maybe the blog is dwindling to an end for now. It's been great for helping me shape my thoughts, evaluate my progress, promote myself. It also causes me stress when I think about all the posts I never wrote.  But is it the right tool to use in a phase of soul-searching? Surely that would be boring to read, like someone tells you their dreams. The danger would be that I would go all out to make it entertaining, and in that act lose some authenticity of the process. In some ways I feel that happening already - I've somehow created a character for my blog, and now I've lost energy for keeping the story going. There again, I'd be nervous of 'losing touch' if I stop - blogging makes me feel part of a community. So- that's me - indecisive as ever. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845 I'm still resisting the temptation to post a proper blog because I'm trying to analyse less, add less things to my list and enjoy doing stuff instead of doing stuff to cross it off the list, only to replace it with a new task. ooops - this is getting remarkably like a blog post. STOP. Here's what I want to say. Spread the word: ‘Invitation to join APT = Artist Parents Talking’ Your chance to meet other artist-parents and add to APT’s research about the particular needs and barriers to being an artist-parent.  APT aims to bring people together,  gather evidence of needs,  raise awareness and campaign for change. Regional meetings and website to be announced soon (funding pending). Join our online community:  http://artistparents.ning.com or contact me directly with your name, region you are based in and email address: Rachel@rachelhowfield.net    ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000 http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/408845