ARTISTS TALKING

# 21 [13 July 2008]

This last week has been a very busy one. After being away from my artwork for a week I had four days to get my piece for the Jerwood drawing prize entry finished. I bought it home so I could get on with it at every avaliable minute and it did turn into a hazy four day stint, getting out of bed, straight down stairs picking up again what I felt like I had only just put down at 11-12 the previous evening. Back ache and sore fingers, it was an intensive stretch. I felt the pressure of time closing in and by the third and fourth day I would hardly stop for a drink or the toilet!

But it did get done and although there are some things I wish I could have spent more time on, I am pleased with it. It was my second house drawing and I have made some real changes compared to how I made the original one. I used thinner material and made it bigger. I also had decided to make my childhood home, which I was reluctant to do before. I think this was because I thought it might make it too personal but that was silly really, it seems houses are personal. They build a relationship with you as much as you with them. I found it intersting to see how all the different spaces which evoked different memories and associations in me, became a jigsaw, fitting together and making each space possible...how the gap over the stairs became part of my mum and dads room, how the chimney pushed into my room, how my room breathed in it's width to give my sister a little more room in her tiny little bedroom and how the old space under the stairs where the dogs used to sleep, backed on to the back of the fire so they could have a little extra warmth. Mapping this space made these thoughts rife within me.

So now that is done and out of my hands I am getting my submission for the Surface Gallery ready. I hate waiting to hear about things, I am pretty desperate for a diversion from my internal analyzing of what I did and how it might be received. It is agony and completely pointless, so as I feel is the only answer to my fear of the judgement...I move on to the next application.  

# 22 [24 July 2008]

part two

...I then continue, ‘houses not actually as rough as I would of thought for this side of town.’ As I approach I scan the row of shops…hairdressers ‘Shall I just go in and get it all cut off?’, Tanning shop….’Oh I need a tan’, Haberdasheries, ‘I don’t believe it…I traipsed all over town the other week looking for a place that sells thread, well must remember for future’ and then nisa for my milk. Wander round, get my milk, bump into a lady, ‘Oh sorry’, she too says sorry like it was her fault but it was clearly mine. Wait at the till for a lady with a young boy to be served. Another woman chats to her just off from the till….’Does she know her?’ ‘Is she mad?’ They discuss having their kids at home for the summer…’what a pain’ the boy makes some brum noise, taking no notice of the fact that his pain in the arse presence is being discussed. The lady serving smiles a lot and shows agreement at the conversation. The other woman leaves…abruptly it seems. I see her walking away muttering to herself (definitely bit nuts!) The lady finishes and takes her stuff and off she goes. My turn… Asks me ‘would you like a bag?’ ‘No’ I feel a little sense of pride. I give the exact money and feel a little more pride. 51p…and I’ve got it exactly. (go me!) She calls me darling and seems so happy at her place in life. I reflect on this as I leave. ‘How are some people so content with what they have?’ I feel it’s admirable…is it? Heading back with a cold finger around the handle of my milk I feel something like achievement, yet don’t acknowledge it really. A man chats to a couple walking in front…’does he know them? Is he mad? He doesn’t look it.’ He gets nearer to passing me; I don’t know whether to say hello or not. ‘Will it make me feel good?’ He bounds by, looks and says ‘milky!, milky!’ I laugh and that’s it…I’m a bit stunned actually, but it genuinely makes me smile. I carry on down to the park. There’s the man with the grey hound coming back out. ‘Shall I smile at him?’ I half look, half not. Suddenly he blurts out…’All that way for milk, and you could of had it delivered to your door!’ I laugh and that’s it, thinking inside…’what? and miss all this?!’ ‘It’s not about the milk really is it?’ Isn’t it the journey? I reflect on something connected to the Jerwood Drawing prize and my failure to get in. ‘It’s not about getting in but the journey’

You find consolation in the strangest places if you really need to.

# 23 [24 July 2008]

My trip to the shops for milk.

I didn’t think such a trip could be so poignant, well it wasn’t really but it captured me enough to sit here and remember it.

I pulled up at the studio this morning to find it pretty much as I was expecting: locked, empty and deathly quiet. Coming in the front doors I had the usual pause as I contemplated my next steps – straight up to my studio space?, through into the kitchen? or stop by at the computer room? I contemplate it every time but actually everyday usually runs the same. Switch computer on, then through to the kitchen to make a cuppa while it’s starting up, but annoyingly, although not uncommonly I find no milk. What is very rare is the absence of the three days out of date, sickly sweet, and sends your throat into spasms as you take a whiff one. So my day begins refreshingly absent of the sniff test.

Following this, back in the computer room, spinning the stiff old chair into position I carry on with my next step, tea-less. User name, connect to internet….dial (should we still be ‘dialling’? Isn’t dial-up years old?) Anyway, waiting…50/50 chance, and no ‘error 507 port blah, blah, blah not detected, blah, blah, blah….redial?’ I know that from experience restart is my only option. Restart….whilst I sit and stare at it. Typically, I feel like this morning is going to be a non-starter, 10am already…….. ok check yahoo (no mail), check other email (no mail), check Facebook (one go on Scrabulous to take, so take)

Then my turning point comes…I decide to head for the shops at a leisurely pace, clear my head and start the whole morning again when I get back. Off I go…

The weather is perfect (or just how I like it). No wind or even a breeze, just warmth that is so light you can’t feel you’re outside. I could almost put my slippers on and be in my living room, perfect weather for taking my time and thinking. I trundle a long, there are a few people over at the park as I walk through, lady on the far side walking her dog, man at the far side just entering from the other side. As I pass him I pay particular attention to the dog. A grey hound-‘rescued I wonder’, then strangely think, I wonder if this man lives like a slob, I bet his house is a mess (maybe because of him being largely over weight) what an assumption?!!!

(continued on previous post)...

# 24 [11 August 2008]

It feels a while since I last entered a post on my blog....it's a difficult time of year for getting work done. My boyfriend is a teacher so has the whole of August off, I find myself torn between spending time at the studio and spending time helping him with things at home. I always seem to be busy and he always seems to be doing things on his own. I feel guilty not helping out around the house and then guilty not working!

I felt a little rubbish after getting turned down for the Jerwood and also the Surface Gallery are confusing me with not putting my piece into their Open Exhibition but telling me that they have not rejected my work but would like to put it in a show later in the year. It feels very frustrating- not really knowing. I am just carrying on focusing myself as much as I can. I woke up last night thinking about the C4RD exhibition and what I will do for it. I have had a few ideas but really had doubts about carrying them out, but like a bolt of lightning I made up my mind last night. I have had an idea for a piece that I have wanted to do for a while but not had the right space to do it but thinking about the room I have for this exhibtion I think it is perfect for it. I got really excited and wanted to get up and start plans for it right away. Subsequently, I didn't get back to sleep for hours!

I have a good few days in the studio this week and some set things I need to get done. We have started our plans for our Digswell open studios event for this September. I have the responsiblity of doing the organising of the event so have been working on trying to get fellows involved and fired up. It is also a difficult time of year for trying to organising groups of people because they're all going off on holiday at various different times. I really hope this will be a successful event that will bring us together and produce some interesting work. I hope this will become an annual big event in Digswell's calender.  

# 25 [31 August 2008]

August has flown by. Last day of the month and 12 days to go until our Digswell Open Studios. I've been trying to balance getting things organised and getting my own work done. At times I feel really confident about the piece I've planned, at others the doubt seeps in. I guess nothing is without doubt and that's a good enough reason to try things out. I'm thinking if I was too certain about something then there would hardly be a point in doing it.

I am in the process of building this semi-transparent mini house for me to sit in when I do my drawing; it's like building a shelter for the night, making me seperate from the whole event. Will I feel protected by it or will I feel conscious of being on show? It seems to be playing on these two sides...the anxiety of being the piece and the protection of being seperate from the viewers. It feels scary but I know whatever happens it will be interesting for me.

The organisation aspect has been a fantastic process of learning and such a good way to get closer to the other fellows. It has been frustrating trying to fire everyone up and get final decisions but so enjoyable to be this proactive. I love this feeling that with enough drive you can get things to happen, even if they are only small, it's a start and gets us discussing our issues. 

Next week is clean up of the studios and preping them for hanging. I'm actually really looking forward to the mundane task of it- it sounds cheesey but it's something we can all do together and that's a rare event!  

# 26 [8 September 2008]

Last week was excellent. We managed to do most of the clearing and cleaning and saw the improvements instantly. We have been at this site for three years and have really neglected it. It has been treated as just a building, ignored and neglected. A space we just used and paid little attention to, like a dead space. The more dirty and unkempt it got the more respect we lost for it and therefore it seems to have spiralled. It was filthy. But not anymore. We scrubbed on our hands and knees, cleaned out the cupboards, dusted! polished! I can hardly believe it. There was such a sense of achievement at the end of the week and we felt much more of a group. It is funny how simple things like that can have a massive affect on morale. It was like a big step in taking control.

Apart from this we had a chat with the chairman of the trustees on Friday. We arranged for him to come down and discuss giving a presentation to local businesses both big and small, to demonstrate to them what we do and explain our ideas and how it could hold benefits for them.  This was a really positive meeting not only in terms of the presentation but also for the dialogue we had with a Trustee. This was very encouraging and allowed us to exchange things that are going on and thoughts that we have. I think he was delighted to hear what we had to say and we were also, to hear his ideas. We really did appreciate the effort and openness to which he chatted with us. He showed real support for us and the growth of the trust.  I believe it left us with a real sense of hope of things to come. Perfect timing with the Launch on Friday.

# 27 [16 September 2008]

The lead up to the launch on Friday was busy. I finished my piece ready for my performance by the Tuesday but the rest of the week was filled with organising the hanging of the other work. We had three performances, five 3d pieces and a very limited amount of space. Wednesday I spent most of the day wondering around trying to work out where everything was going to go, changing my mind and then changing it back again. Luckily on Thursday there was two of us doing it and we could spend a good amount of time discussing the pros and cons of different lay outs. It was much easier doing it with two of us. We got most of it hung on the Thursday and just had finishing touches to do on the Friday but like always, the stuff you think will be quick, ends up taking ages. Friday was subsequently pretty hectic.

At 7.30pm on Friday, I got in my white suit and climbed in to my little white house, and began to draw (at first a little shaky handed). I was drawing on to the walls of the tightly stretched semi-transparent fabric. This meant that as I drew, the line showed through to the viewer, on the outside. They could see me as well but it was a bit like looking through a heavy fog. I traced the room, doorways and viewers as they walked around me. I hadn’t planned the drawing at all, so I just responded to what I could see from the particular angle I looked from at that time, therefore the representation was very fluid and changeable. I work round and round and across the top panels. It was great when someone would work out what I was doing and stop to allow me to trace their outline. They therefore had complete control over how long I could draw them for. Quite often I would get half way round and they’d walk off, so I was left with half figures, bodiless legs, and many empty shoes. The thing I really enjoyed was this interaction, each viewer changing the drawing and choosing how to act, being delighted about being recorded. People appeared, from my angle to be dancing around the house, I would catch parts of the same person several times around the house. I couldn’t quite work out always who was who, so even people I knew, past me by as just another viewer. They kind of became this whole other, separate from me…my audience.

The whole evening was fantastic, there was a great buzz and I really got the feeling the audience where really engaging with us. Most pieces seemed to be creating a reaction. We all felt proud of all our efforts and went home with and excited glow!

# 28 [23 September 2008]

Last week was the first week of Hertfordshire Open Studios. So we've all been around regularly. It's meant a lot of chatting with cups of tea, debating and discussing. Reflecting on the launch, we have all felt really positive about it. Proud even, I can see it coming through. 

Next week we have planned to meet up to start getting ideas and a plan together about the presentation to the Chamber of commerce, but I was so frustrated to discover that I am going to have to miss the meeting because I have to work that night. Work always feels like something that just gets in the way all the time. I rush my 'earning' days through and then my week can begin. Having to do extra always riles me!

Anyway, not to dwell. I will have to catch up on what was discussed afterward. I am now starting to get planning together for a few things that are coming along. I had a random opportunity come up a couple of weeks ago. I have been invited to show some of my work up near Leeds at Harewood house next April as part of a 'House and Home' exhibition they are planning to coincide with an anniversary of the building. It sounds really exciting and I'm going up to Harewood mid October to chat to the curator and discuss ideas as well as get more familiar with the place.  The ideas behind the exhibition sound so relevant, I'm so thrilled to be given this kind of opportunity, especially to be asked to be involved and not having applied. It's such a wonderful feeling, to be invited.

I'm also going back to the Centre 4 Recent Drawing in October to get my plans moving for that, so lots to do at the moment. Exciting times!

Tomorrow evening I'm talking at the Open Dialogues in Cambridge, another thing I was absolutely delighted to be invited to do, but must admit...feeling a little scared as it's getting closer. Talking in front of lots of people is a very new thing for me and I'm not sure if, even a year ago I would of dreamt of being able to say I'd do it. But wrapped inside all the fear, is a lot of excitement too. 

# 29 [1 October 2008]

This week so far...not off to a good start. Stress at work on Monday, at work again on Tuesday. And email yesterday from the Curator at C4RD wanting me to produce something for an exhibition in Novemeber! This November. I had originally been told first half of next year. This changes things a lot and after all I had written about the wonderful amount of time to consider and reflect on what I was going to do, to really have the chance to be organised and try out something new in the space. Guess that's not going to be the case anymore. So it's head down. Except it's hard to get head down whilst we still have open studios going on and of course it's stop, start, with lots of interruptions.  

How negative I sound and after such a positive week last week. Right I will stop with the moaning right now!

Last week was great, the studio was busy and I had lots of interest and encouragement about my ideas and people wanting to talk about what's going on at the Digswell. We had a big group of 15-18 year olds which was a little scary to begin with but actually a great excercise for me. We each gave a little introduction about our work to each group (about 60 of them!!!!) But they were mostly great and mostly really interested. One of the guys that teaches them mentioned to me about doing workshops at the college, but really would have to build myself up for that. I left it open and said I would consider it. We'll see.

I gave my little talk at the Open Dialogues on Thursday. I really enjoyed it and felt it was a very valuable experience, especially chatting to people afterwards and them coming over to me to say, I feel just like that, I really identified with what you said. I guess it's that connection and encouragement that you're not on your own that is helpful to both sides. I met some very lovely, open people who I hope I will be able to chat with again.  

I have started to realise how much of my life is being taken over by my practice recently. Most of my conversations are about, ideas, work, opportunities and future plans for my art work. Very little time is talking about future plans for personal life or just everyday things. It's a worrying thought that it seems to dominate everything. I wonder if my boyfriend feels like he is second to it. I guess it must feel like that at times. A career like this seems to never be left behind but manages to seep into every part of your life.

# 30 [2 October 2008]

I wouldn't normally enter a post again so soon but I feel like I have a million thoughts buzzing around in my head that I need to get out.

I have this week received a number of emails from the Curator of C4RD. From the first email he sent to me at the beginning of the week, I really felt that something wasn't right. He was asking me to justify what I was doing and the imagery I was using in my work....this I thought completely reasonable although a little strange since I had applied openly and honestly describing where I was at with my work and where my interests lie. But anyway, I replied and reinforced my area of interest and some thoughts about what I might do. I had no original guidance or instruction from them about what they wanted, I had basically been told very little apart from, we like your work. He then emailed me back, saying basically that he had thought to include me in a show with two other artists, who when I checked out their stuff, I thought very constrasting to mine, but yes, I could see the connection. He also changed the time frame from about 6 months (although I was given no date or even an idea of a month, just next year) to 1 month. I said I would try my best, and come to the gallery to discuss it further.

Yesterday however I was sent a mammoth email which without trying to sound childish, did sound really pompus and over intellectualised purely for affect. It specifically instructed me about what I should do and what I should be dealing with in my work. He ended by mentioning that he believed his ideas about the direction I should take my work in would be benefitial to my progression (adding...and the gallery's of course) To say it felt completely over bearing is an understatement!

I hate to sound ungrateful for the opportunities that are offered to me, but in this instance I have felt squeezed and pushed and all that needed to be different was for them to be more open with me in the beginning. I know I am early in my career, I know I have lots to find out, and lots to learn but I also know what feels right and what feels contrived. I therefore turned the opportunity down and although very disappointed doing this, also confident that I had no other option. I'll take what I can from this experience and move on, what other option do I have?