ARTISTS TALKING

# 21 [13 July 2008]

This last week has been a very busy one. After being away from my artwork for a week I had four days to get my piece for the Jerwood drawing prize entry finished. I bought it home so I could get on with it at every avaliable minute and it did turn into a hazy four day stint, getting out of bed, straight down stairs picking up again what I felt like I had only just put down at 11-12 the previous evening. Back ache and sore fingers, it was an intensive stretch. I felt the pressure of time closing in and by the third and fourth day I would hardly stop for a drink or the toilet!

But it did get done and although there are some things I wish I could have spent more time on, I am pleased with it. It was my second house drawing and I have made some real changes compared to how I made the original one. I used thinner material and made it bigger. I also had decided to make my childhood home, which I was reluctant to do before. I think this was because I thought it might make it too personal but that was silly really, it seems houses are personal. They build a relationship with you as much as you with them. I found it intersting to see how all the different spaces which evoked different memories and associations in me, became a jigsaw, fitting together and making each space possible...how the gap over the stairs became part of my mum and dads room, how the chimney pushed into my room, how my room breathed in it's width to give my sister a little more room in her tiny little bedroom and how the old space under the stairs where the dogs used to sleep, backed on to the back of the fire so they could have a little extra warmth. Mapping this space made these thoughts rife within me.

So now that is done and out of my hands I am getting my submission for the Surface Gallery ready. I hate waiting to hear about things, I am pretty desperate for a diversion from my internal analyzing of what I did and how it might be received. It is agony and completely pointless, so as I feel is the only answer to my fear of the judgement...I move on to the next application.  

# 20 [7 July 2008]

I haven't been to the studio for over a week as I've been doing over time at work so feeling a bit behind things. This week I've got to finish my piece for the Jerwood and think about sending off my entry for the Surface Gallery open exhibition. I hate spending this much time away from doing my work. I did bring some home and have been fitting it in around work but it is very frustrating, especially when the shop is so quiet and I feel like I'm just hanging around all day.

One of my old uni friends is going in for the Jerwood as well. It is the first time either of us have entered so it's really hard to gauge how likely we are to get in. It's always worth a try though I guess. He was feeling down when we spoke because he had not had any success with the acme funding. All this searchng, applying, putting yourself forward, it's pretty hard to take when you care so much about what you're doing but it can't be plain sailing. Failure is character building, isn't that what they say?  It makes sure you believe in yourself though because if you weren't convinced yourself, I think you would find something else to do before long.  Just getting on with it, seems the best thing we can do at the moment. 

# 19 [18 June 2008]

I've been particularly busy this week, beginning it off by re-doing my website, it started off as a little brush up on things but turned into a massive change around that seemed to have taken ages!

Today I had a meeting at C4RD in Highbury. I am so pleased to be getting involved with this gallery. Chatting to the assistant curator about how the gallery works and what it's aims are was wonderful. 'to create a space for drawing' was one thing he said that I thought was inspiring. It is such a simple way of putting it but so refreshing. 'Making space' to do these things is so important in creating ideas. It's only a reasonably small space (prob similar to your average sitting room) over looking the railway line but it was enough to fill me with excitement at the prospect of working in it. I had sent my images through and a little explanation of what I do to them a couple of weeks ago and they got back to me shortly after suggesting I might do something for the beginning of next year, so that is when it will be. They don't deal with selling work and don't charge for the use of the space. Also, it seems pretty relaxed about the time I have to set up. It will be a site-specific piece so therefore I am given a resonable amount of time actually making in the space. This is excellent news considering the difficulties I've had with time scales recently. It is like a ideal project for me.

 I am so pleased that I have been given this opportunity and also pleased I have such a good amount of time to consider how my ideas will progress as I see the project through. It will mean that my work will be shown in a gallery that is focused on what is so central to my own study. I am so interested in thier approach to drawing and the dedication to pushing it forward and challenging the preconceived notions about what drawing can be.

If you can't already tell by this post....I'm excited!

 Also, sent off my entry form for the Jerwood drawing prize. So lots to think about at the moment!

# 18 [9 June 2008]

The exhibition came down last week...strange feeling, but I'm now concentrating on the next step. I have a few things that are slowly coming through. I have a meeting on the 18^th June with the curator from the C4RD in Highbury, which I was really excited to hear back from as looking in to the gallery I feel it would be a really relevant place to show my work. If and when and how it happens are still to be finalised. It is likely to be end of year or beginning of next. Also, hoping to be part of a group show at the Surface Gallery in Nottingham some time this year but that also is waiting to be finalised. I am therefore still applying and looking and most importantly working.

The Red Gate exhibition was in terms of my study a very valuable journey. I guess everything that an artist does, the challenges they set themselves, the pressure they place upon themselves, affects the outcomes in their work. Working in the set time frame, looking forward to and considering the presentation all pushed me to make important, essential decisions. I don't think I necessarily perform my best under a lot of pressure but I do think my mechanism for dealing with it does do something to the way I create. My concentration in what I am making and why I am doing it becomes so focused, that it diverts  from other peoples or even my own expectation. What I start out imagining I will end up with seems to transform and develop so rapidly.  It feels almost like recklessness (not a lack of caring, but a freedom), letting split second ideas come through, just to see what they do, that shifts everything away from a resolve. It's hard to explain, think this is the best I can do for now.    

I wrote this post once, then accidentally deleted it. Having to re-write and remember the original flow is impossible. I guess there is always something special in the spontaneity of thoughts and a flatness that cannot be avoided when consciously trying to recreate them.  (oh well, that's life I guess)      

# 17 [27 May 2008]

Three days later..... it was really hard work! Harder than I imagined. Funny how quickly I forgot the last time and how tiring it is setting up and getting it all organised, but now that it is up I'm starting to forget the stress and worry again. At least that way I can look to the next thing!

Thursday was a very long day. We couldn't start until gone 5pm, so there was a lot of waiting around and then a mad rush. I tried to remain really calm and pace myself but we had a few problems with putting the boards up because of an uneven floor, so tensions rose quite quickly.It was silly, the things that cause the trouble and slow you down are always the things you don't expect (an awkward screw took about half an hour and a lot of swearing) 

Also, looking at the installation when we finally got it up I quickly realised that the floor we had bought wasn't big enough and we would have to get more. This meant coming back earlier the following day and doing a last minute lay and paint job. At 11pm and a two hour drive ahead of us this seemed like a real nightmare. (hard to remain reasonable when you are as tired as we were) We drove home in the middle of the night watery eyed, starring into space, having not eaten a meal and I don't know about Quintin but I was definately thinking... 'why do I do this?' He must of been thinking 'How?... how did I end up as an artist assistant? Did I apply for this job?'

We had a funny half sleep, breakfast, a dash over to visit my dad to get some more flooring, packed the car and made our way back down to Brixton. I won't describe all the events that followed, just that it was emotional but we got it done... paint only a little wet at opening time!

I guess it would be a slight understatement to suggest I got alittle stressed, but I can now say everything went fine and I am so pleased to see it finished. It looks great in the space. The gallery has a fantastic feel to it which really compliments my work.

This week I'm back at work and having a bit of time off from the studio. What a whirlwind week!

# 16 [21 May 2008]

Well, crunch time! Setting up tomorrow and feeling really excited. It will be a late night setting up Thursday night but hoping to get it all done in one go so that Friday I can relax a bit and get ready for the evening. I am so excited about seeing the pieces up and presented in the way I have been visualizing them for a long time now.

I am confident that the show will come together well and that the pieces will work with each other. I have thought so much about what it is all about and how it will be read and now I can only hope that I have done a good job!

# 15 [12 May 2008]

Two weeks until the show opens. If anything I'm calmer than the week before. My photos are on their way and the frames are ready and waiting. The main installation piece is almost ready to wrap up and get ready for transport, the van is hired, first emails and post invites have gone out. Am I nearly there? I have four full days in the studio this week so hoping to continue playing with a piece I've got on the go and try to decide if it will be included in the show.

I now want to start thinking about what I'm going to do after the show. I've started to look for other opportunities to apply for, I feel like I work better when I have something in the pipe-line to keep me working to a deadline. I hope the show will give me further opportunities, but have to keep the momentum up.

With regards to the Digswell's development,- following the Trustees meeting where the future of the Trust was only discussed briefly, it was decided by one of the Trustees that we needed to hold a development meeting specifically to discuss the issues that us artists have been raising. So far it just feels like meeting after meeting and I really hope these meetings will lead on to something much more. I am hopeful though that by these long standing, unspoken issues finally being brought forward, it will lead to them being addressed. It appears that what has really highlighted itself in all this is that there seems to be a big divide between artists and trustees but the dialogue has begun which can only have a positive affect...surely?      

# 14 [1 May 2008]

  This week I have been trying to plan the show out thoroughly in my head to give me an idea of what I've got time to do in the short time left. (I was out of action for beginning of week due to wisdom tooth removal- life can be so inconvenient sometimes!)  

I am getting one of my photographs printed so that I can decide how I'm going to show them size/framing/number etc. I'm also trying to work out how much room I've comfortably got so it is a well balanced space.

The initial invites are going out this week. It is very exciting at this point but I feel extremely tense. Worst case scenarios are going through my head...no one turns up, I'm not happy with it, people don't like it etc...etc.... anyway, can't worry about that now. I am confident, just a bit apprehensively confident. I feel that my work speaks for itself and will see me through it. (But everyone sees through different eyes and has different expectations) I am realising that it is so important to accept that there will always be people who don't like what I do or don't see why, but the sooner I swallow and digest that fact the more likely that I will last and not be intimidated out of this occupation. I've always imagined that you need to be tough skinned to be an artist, but I know I can't be. I feel every response to my work severely, but I do feel that I have a recovery method that keeps me going, a momentum that moves me forward. It's a simple desire to progress and find out more.         

# 13 [22 April 2008]

Started out his week thinking I had a long week to get on in the studio, working on my pieces for the upcoming show. It hasn't quite ended up that way. I've been asked to work an extra day at the gallery and felt I couldn't say no after last week getting a letter telling me my studio rent is going up in May and then again in August, plus a letter reminding me how much my student loan currently stands at and another telling me how much I will be taken out of my account for my car insurance. Next few weeks comes it's MOT and the final payment to the Red Gate Gallery, Van hire, materials, etc, etc, etc............it is endless.......... Unsurprisingly I agreed to do the extra day.

So I've tried to use my time productively, hunting out new opportunities that I might apply for, scanning through MA course descriptions, reading recent articles that might be of interested and so on. I feel a little bit like I'm going blind after such a long day starring at a computer screen and not sure if writing this is the answer, but I'll blink on watery eyed and squinting.

Tonight I'm off to the first of a ten session digital photography course with North Herts College. Hoping to brush up and extend my knowledge further. I seem to be using photography such a lot now so I feel that I need to be clearer with the technical side of it.

While I've been sitting in the shop today, I have had new ideas come in to my head that I want to try out when I get the chance. I have started to think about the building up of a drawing as a performance. How the physical doing relates to the images in the end. Planning/adapting/interpreting/altering as it builds up. Have also thought about the scale of my pieces how making smaller/larger and how this will affect how they are viewed. Also, fragmenting an image/changing perspective/partially distorting etc. I really need to get on and play with these ideas.  

# 12 [16 April 2008]

Back in the studio for this week, so have a few things planned... or trying to have a focused plan anyway. There are some new artists moving in this week so new faces around to meet and greet. One woman who is in the process of moving her stuff in is in the middle of her MA at Goldsmiths. It was good to talk to her about what it is like there and how she is finding the course. I have started to think about doing an MA in the future, possibly when my time at Digswell has ended, so I have been trying to gauge feedback from artists who are or have done one and what they thought/think of it and how it has help their practice.

I'm not sure how I feel about doing an MA. I would love to get back into the whole process of gaining good critical feedback on a regular basis and discussing and debating ideas, gaining knowledge and building on my practice, but it's the institution idea that I'm less keen on. I think I need to think on it all a bit more and definitely explore the different courses available. At the moment I feel like the experience I am gaining by being more independent is valuable in helping me find my own way a little. I felt blind when I came out of University.... tumbling down off of a huge cliff with no idea how to be what I was ‘an artist' with just a vibrating in my head of what I'd learnt in the last 4 years. I only very slowly now am starting to get a feel for my place as an artist and to stand up for myself and my ideas in this field.

I have been continuing with my work for the Red Gate Gallery, looking at ways of presenting a new piece I have on the go. Can't decide yet if I love it or hate it or even worse something in between. It may be for the show or for the bin!