ARTISTS TALKING

# 31 [10 October 2008]

It's so surprising sometimes, slightly wearing really, how up and down this all is. I never quite know what is going to present itself to me each morning when I get up. Last week was so depressing and over-whelming. I felt so disappointed and tested. It was as if I had been pushed back 10 steps and my confidence wavered and the doubt seeped it. Losing the C4RD exhibition and the way the whole thing made me feel was so frustrating. The goal posts moved and my opportunity slipped away.

But then at the end of the week I get a lift. I was contacted to say that some of my work that was being looked at by a hotel manager had been bought. I sold three of my photographs to them. It's an unexpected consolation I guess. Not something I was pinning my hopes upon but it could be looked at as something that helps me finance myself in creating more opportunities in the future. You lose some and gain some all the time, it feels.

This week the Surface Gallery have got back in contact, inviting me to be part of something coming up. It's been such a long, drawn out lead up to something with them and there are still no set dates that it's hard to be confident but still, I am now more eager than ever to be involved. Fingers crossed, as they always are these days.

Next Thursday we have got our Digswell presentation to the Welwyn and Hatfield Chamber of Commerce. We had a run through last night and realised we still have such a lot of work to do. It is a good experience for us, even if nothing else, but I remain hopeful. As I always try to be these days!

# 32 [20 October 2008]

Last week was a bit of a slow one in terms of working on ideas. It was my four day week at the gallery doing ‘real’ work and even when I was at the studio it was getting ready for the presentation on Thursday. Cleaning duties again.

Thursday did go well. We had a bit of a run through on Thursday morning and decided to cut out some bits and emphasise on others. I felt very relieved not to be the one presenting it. Steve is the natural in that area, so he took on the responsibility without batting an eyelid. Phew! We decided not to make it too polished though and throughout the presentation each artist had the opportunity to add, briefly something in particular about themselves. The format worked really well, keeping it open and natural but structured enough to not loose the thread. The actual presentation came out being the best we had done it, so we all felt pretty positive at the end.

I’m not sure how much we might get from it immediately, but the experience has definitely helped improve our confidence as a group. Before the event I think we had doubt about showing ourselves on a professional level. We were presenting to a group of people who didn’t necessarily have any interest in art and where maybe sceptical about artists and how they benefit the community, but we have already received feedback from the head of the Chamber of Commerce saying that members have commented that it was the most interesting meeting they had been to in a while. It is so positive that we where able to get ourselves across and spark interest. Hopefully this will be the start of something we do more regularly and get ourselves increasingly engaged with the community around us. We really need to raise our profile across the board and learning to do presentations about ourselves is an ideal opportunity, especially now we know we can pull it off!

Friday I spent the day at my boyfriend’s brothers house. He kindly filmed my performance piece at the open studios event, so I was having a nose. He’s going to edit it down for me, so hopefully I can get it online soon. It was so exciting to see it from outside the house. I am really pleased with how it has come out and will hopefully be able to use it to apply for new opportunities. I would like to do it again, somewhere else, to a different audience.    

This week I’m off to Yorkshire on Tuesday to visit Harewood House and find out more about the exhibition they are planning for next year and hopefully how I will be involved. Fingers crossed x

# 33 [27 October 2008]

The visit to Harewood House was interesting. It was a bit different to what I was expecting but I am not really sure how. It was good to talk to the people organising it and get a better idea of what their vision is and how they feel I might be involved.  It was a very interesting place, a very traditional stately home and typically laced with that hard to penetrate, ropped off feel. But once you start thinking about it in different terms, looking at what it is and how it has changed through the hundreds of years, you really do start to feel something underlying and very interesting lurking beyond it's cold exterior. It's contrast to how most of us experience the home today is bewildering. I felt that I had to focus very hard to even imagine it as a place to live. Is it merely the scale, the grandeur, the extravagance, the smell of years held in the air, that gives it this distance? I felt I had a strong desire to be in there when it was empty, just me wondering around. Maybe because it was something I knew I would never be permitted to do it.

So now I have come back home to think about how I might respond to this place and what I might put forward as a proposal. It has produced a million thoughts which are all buzzing round my head so I will get into the studio this week, draw up some plans and try a few things out.  

# 34 [3 November 2008]

Oh how a week can change things. So I began the week by contacting Harewood House, as they asked me to do, to discuss my thoughts about what I might do for the exhibition next year. This was followed the next morning by an email telling me that unfortunately I hadn’t made it into the final list of artists to be involved. That’s it. Over.

Now, I was a little shocked by the abruptness and also the fact that I wasn’t even aware that I was waiting to find out whether I had been selected. No selection issues had been discussed with me, even when I met them all. I was approached and invited to be involved. They have had changes recently because a curator left through ill health. This I presume, is why it has happened the way it has.

So my initial feelings where complete despair, swamped by all those very human emotions that I try not to be governed by, rejection, confusion, bewilderment, paranoia, which led to the inevitable flood of tears. Luckily I was at the studio when I got the email and another Fellow was around to talk through things with me. I calmed down and composed my zigzag of emotions.

There was nothing more for me to do. Move on. Just know at least I tried. But of course this isn’t all I can feel. I spent the weekend mulling. What am I doing wrong? Had I just completely got the whole thing wrong? Why did I not know the arrangement? It made me reflect on how some recent experiences have made me feel lately. Notably, like we artists are just 2 a penny, as the old saying goes and not necessarily treated as professionals. From my last two encounters with curators, I feel that I have been left in the dark, always guessing, been uninformed of their arrangements and plans, fobbed off at times. I have tried to be completely open and definitely accommodating, but both times seem to have been purposefully left in the dark and not able to discover this until it’s too late and have no options left.  

Well the last thing I want to do is rant. I will definitely not get defeated and negative about things. From this I have learnt, ask every question under the sun and be completely sure about what they want from you. It sounds obvious but at times I have felt reluctant to ask certain questions for fear of jeopardising a chance or looking pushy. Clearly timid does not do me any favours.

The positives of the week:

1. Surface Gallery are in touch again, discussing more solid plans.

2. My blog had small appearance in this month’s AN magazine

3. Had a good day out with some of the guys from Digswell on Sunday and some good chats.

There….not all doom and gloom!

# 35 [10 November 2008]

Not a lot to report for last week. I was working on a new piece at the studio most of the week. It’s a flat wire drawing outlining a particular view of my studio. I have suspended it in front of the studio scene, so it overlaps the scene. (It’s hard to explain and I’m really not sure how or if it works at the moment). It is one of those pieces that brings out exciting ideas and has got me thinking but is yet to be there in any real way. I need to keep working and working at the idea until I uncover how it might progress. Sometimes it really feels like excavating an artefact when I'm working on an idea, very slowly and delicately uncovering the thoughts that lead on to the next; extremely frustrating at times. I have found that so far it is only something that works when I photograph it and have that set view, and then it is quite strange to look at. I’ll keep going with it.

Apart from that I’ve been going over all the opportunity pages looking for what’s going on and what I can apply for. That seems to be the main constant cycle in my life… scan the pages, apply, wait….scan the pages, apply, wait….scan the pages, apply, wait…. Is this the best thing for me to do? Galleries?

I have felt low this week… I can only describe it as- not feeling human. Sometimes I feel that doing this leaves me standing outside real life, balancing on the brink of unsustainable, irresponsible, or maybe completely deluded. My paranoid feelings that there is an underlying opinion on every ones lips becomes like criticising voices whispering inside my head! (not in the mad sense, although I do wonder sometimes)  As I sat in the passenger seat coming back from London yesterday, staring out at the rain, my mind wandered away from my usual train of thought (my work, possible opportunities, next week at the studio etc) and instead started trailing off to new scenarios… getting a regular job, nurturing my more practical skills, getting better at maths, being ‘normal’, doing something that people don’t want you to justify, something that explains itself through simple payment. I try to repel these thoughts but of course they happen.

# 36 [15 November 2008]

Thought I'd just put in a link to a little clip of the performance piece that I did for our Open Studios.

Thanks to Iain for putting it together for me!! x

http://www.herecomestheboss.com/video/E09B70CBCF07F097/Christina+Show.html

# 37 [24 November 2008]

The last week has been a busy one and illustrates just how much things alter week by week. One week I’m leading up to nothing and the next week I’m wondering how I will fit everything in! I am applying for things all the time and sometimes I hear back. Sometimes these are things that end up being on deeper delving, not quite what they first seemed and sometimes they end up being something much more exciting than I thought they would be. I am learning to stem excitement, expectation of one thing and therefore hopefully reduce disappointment at a later date, but I always remain hopeful of every new endeavour.

Anyway, nothing major has come along but I did hear back from a group putting together an exhibition in Nottingham to open on the 3^rd December, so it’s all been rush, rush to try and organise the piece and my time getting there all quite last minute. I am putting in a site-specific drawing that will go directly onto the wall of the gallery. It is a reasonably small drawing (my row of chairs) but a surprising amount of detail to draw. I have drawn it on the wall at the studio and am now getting it ready to transfer using a traced template. The exhibition is called ‘Not on White Paper’. I don’t know what other work has been selected for the exhibition but I’m very excited to see the results! It’s at the Malt Cross Gallery. 3^rd December-14^th December, if anyone fancies it.

I also had further contact with the Surface Gallery, also in Nottingham. It looks like finally there are some concrete plans being made. I have agreed to do my drawing performance for the opening (date still to be confirmed). I am very excited about doing this, after feeling so positive about it at the Open Studios, I am thrilled to be trying it in a gallery and further afield, for a new audience. I am a little scared about the prospect of performing to strangers, but incredibly excited too.

I also got a call from a guy at North Herts College asking me if I would like to come and talk to the art students about my work, with the possibility of doing a workshop in the future. I gulped and then agreed to come and have a look around in December after the exhibition in Nottingham has been set up. This out of everything above is the one that scares me the most! It is the one that really feels alien to me, but I do want to be able to do it. Lets just see what happens.

# 38 [1 December 2008]

It's been a good week. I managed to finish the piece for the Malt Cross Gallery in good time and was ready Thursday morning with the car loaded up and an exceptional friend of mine agreeing to come along and help me. So the two of us set off early in the morning and arrived in Nottingham about 11am after just a few minor hold ups…like getting slightly lost and getting confused by the one way system. I find I have a moment where I slightly hold my breathe just before arriving, especially when it’s a last minute thing as it was, bracing myself for what the people and the place is going to be like. As soon as we got there though there was instant relief. We were greeted by two bubbly, enthusiastic, young women who instantly made us feel so welcome and involved. The gallery was very pleasing too; you walk into this huge bar area which is ornately decorated with a very warm atmosphere and go up to a mezzanine balcony going round the top and through to a good sized, nicely lit white cube gallery space.

We were left to set up with a cup of tea and a mountain of cakes! Setting up the drawing went reasonably smoothly. I was working straight on to the gallery wall and this meant incorporating the feature of the skirting board. I was so pleased to be able to use the actual gallery features. In cases before there always seems to have been issues which have prevented me from marking the walls. The drawing worked so much better and I felt it is much more relevant to my initial intentions.

Unfortunately, I am unable to go up for the opening on Wednesday but I am planning a trip for the 12^th December so I can see it complete. Many of the artists hadn’t set up when I was there.

Last week was such a refreshing experience compared to others of late. Jennie and Naomi just radiated enthusiasm and passion for the work and the ideas. You could really feel that this was so important to them and that they had worked really hard to bring together a good mix of diverse approaches to the central theme. I can’t wait to go back and see it all finished. It's wonderful to meet new artists dealing with similar concerns to my own.    

# 39 [9 December 2008]

Last week was a little quieter. I decided last minute to enter my ‘House’ into the Margaret Harvey Open Exhibition in St Albans. This meant making sure it would get through their very particular criteria like max size, plinth presentation and any health and safety issues etc (they are notoriously rather strict). I was sure the plug on the light box would cause an issue, especially after the sharp sucking in of breathe I heard on the other end of the phone when I rang to enquire. I delivered it on Friday anyway and am now just waiting to hear whether it gets in. I have been in the Open Exhibition before and had some success but I have always played it safe previously and entered my photographs. They have not judged my 3d work before. Strangely feel a little tense about it. It is the same piece that didn’t get into the Jerwood Drawing Prize.

Also, last week I had a visit at the studio from a woman I met at the Open Dialogues event earlier this year. I am pleased that we have stayed in contact, it has been very interesting to chat about ideas and approaches and problems. She also has a blog on a-n… ’Recording on Progress’ Nicola Kearey.   

I am aware now that ‘this year’s progress’ is nearly complete. I can’t believe how short a year really is for an artist. Although there have been some very good experiences and small steps forward, I still feel that my biggest achievement is just to have made it another year and still be doing it. Will I make another one? I hope so. I spent sometime yesterday working with the ‘Artist’s Development Toolkit’. I thought it a good attempt at giving myself some kind of appraisal for the year. It was  helpful for me to recognise some positives as well as the problems. I think it is hard to see your own progress sometimes and with no one there to critique you, it can feel reliant on a blind faith that you’re on the right track.      

# 40 [15 December 2008]

I was very pleased to find out that my piece ‘House’ got accepted into the Margaret Harvey Open exhibition. Finally, after months of it sitting looking at me in the studio, feeling sorry for its self, rejected and unconsidered, it gets an outing.  The rejection from the Jerwood Drawing Prize in June couldn’t fail to leave it a touch wounded but it at last has a little consolation with the chance to show itself in public, not totally discredited.    

Friday, I had a trip to Nottingham. My boyfriend and I went to see the ‘Not on White Paper’ exhibition in its completion (it came down this Sunday), along with paying a visit to the Surface Gallery to have a look around and introduce myself in person. It is always interesting on these ‘days out’ days. For some reason they make me feel smaller than normal (mentally and physically). To take myself and the art that originates from the intimate space of the studio out into the world, seems like a daunting yet invigorating experience. It’s hard to explain, but it transforms the original two way dialogue that goes on between me and the work and suddenly gets others involved. …reading that back I realise that I am just stating the obvious here, but sometimes the obvious isn’t always the way it seems to me. It does make me feel a strange distance from its creation, and in the context of other peoples work, allowing me to see it in a slightly different way. I’m not sure how doing the performance in February will make me feel. Will I feel more detached from the experience? Will people react very differently to my previous performance, or are an audience as a collective no matter where they are from, pretty much always similar?

I feel so excited about the Surface Gallery exhibition, - now I’ve seen the space and am ready to get preparation underway. I have got that butterflies feeling in my tummy and I’m sure it’s not all because Christmas is getting near!