ARTISTS TALKING

# 91 [3 September 2009]

I need to make a public statement about my clever and generous partner, to balance some of the criticism about his approach to domesticity. (not that he gives a damn when I write about that - he's very comfortable with his approach to 'dirt-blindness'). Anyway, back to hte point before I start moaning again.

He stayed up with me last night until very late, helping design the flyer for 'Inside Out'. He didn't complain and was very patient, despite having an early start and a long day in London ahead of him.

He has guided me through all the technical/production aspects of this piece (video projections are one of his specialities). His name isn't even on the flyer, yet he's booked a day off work to help set up on the day.

Now isn't he just mint?! Every artist needs one.

www.lightnightleeds.co.uk - event number 164

# 92 [3 September 2009]

me: look - all you have to do is stand in the changing room, with your jeans round your ankles for 10 minutes while I take some photos

older daughter: muuum. you are SO embarassing.

me: I'll buy you a milk shake.  Think of it like work placement - artist's assistant.

older daughter: I do not want to be an artist mum.

me: Go on - it will be fun - a day out together.

Older daughter:I'll do it if no-one's looking. If anyone comes in the shop, don't talk to me.

me: deal.

older daughter: humph

# 93 [12 September 2009]

Tons of stuff going on. The curator of Mother/Mother, jennifer wroblewski, has put me in touch with two fascinating women - Sharon Thomas is an artist based in Scotland and also taking part in the show. myrel chernick is a curator, currently working on a book - check out http://www.myrelchernick.com/maternalmetaphors. I'm filming at ACE Clothes in Leeds this afternoon to gather footage for my installation 'inside out'. I'm researching artists who are mothers for a curatorial proposal - some inspiring role models are coming to light. Might help challenge ignorant assumptions about what sort of art mothers make. Got a meeting booked at ACE to talk about APT-Artists Parents Talking. A load of new schools to work with as a creative agent. And my heads still spinning after an afternoon discussion at The Brunei Gallery in London with a group of anthropologists, curators, art historians. No wonder I'm not sleeping well!

# 94 [13 September 2009]

In the interest of balance and truth I feel obliged to report that today I did 'one of my routines' as they are fondly known in our house.

'I can't cope, I do everything in this house, I never get a day off, it's not normal, something needs to change, I don't know how to do it differently, it's just chaos all the time, go away daughter I'm talking to your dad, it's not possible to do less, well that's easy for you to say, yes I know we've been over all this before. a lot.'

I'm going to try keeping my work to 4 days a week, and spend a day a week getting on top of home and life.

Any bets on how long it'll last?

# 95 [14 September 2009]

When I'm incubating an idea, preparing to transform it into a reality, I wish I could skip the stage I'm in now - the 'oh god what was I thinking, this is a terrible, boring, pointless idea that no-one is interested in - and I've got to force myself to see it through' stage.

I keep wanting to just give up, but then have to face the stark reality that that means giving up on everything I've been working on for the past several years as all my ideas are facets of one driving force.

I like the shiny exciting glint of a new idea feeling much better than this.

A cup of tea and spot of 'hanging out the washing' should see me through in the short term. I think that's one of my top ten strategies - washing as art practice. Good job there are loads of dirty clothes to go at. 

# 96 [25 September 2009]

I keep dreaming that I'm typing great witticisms and brilliant insights into my blog. If only it were true. I can't even remember them in the morning. At least I am brilliant in my sleep I suppose.

I found this, in my handwriting in a notebook, which was encouraging: 'sometimes when I'm writing, reading or thinking about art I get a sensation in my head as if a blast of wind has briefly lifted a lid on my brain and I have a sense of a possibility of seeing/thinking about things differently. Then it's gone.' I'm pretty sure I must have written it, as I certainly understand the sentiment!

Below, in a different pen it said this, (which I will put into practice soon - probably alone in the living room...)

'Hard Times Require Furious Dancing', Alice Walker 2007

# 97 [2 October 2009]

At the front of a very long queue of traffic, in conversation with the man in the toll booth at the Humber Bridge.

man: £2.70 love

me: oh dear... the thing is, I don't actually want to cross the bridge...I took the wrong turning at the..

man: this is a toll bridge. You need to give me £2.70

me: yes I see. It's just that, I don't actually have any money, and I don't want to cross the bridge. I went wrong at the roundabout and...

man: all the cars are waiting.

me: (wobbly voice). Oh dear. What should I do? You see I couldn't turn round because of the central reservation and I'll be late to pick up my daughter if I have to go all the way over the bridge and back and I've got no money and...

man: you can pay by card

me: (all attempts at assertiveness dissolved). oh. Yes. of course. That's what I should do.... (tearily) can I have a return ticket?

Or at least that was the version of events in my head as I sat helplessly in the queue. Then I spotted a gap in the central reservation, hurrah, yahoo!! A way out, and better still no need for assertiveness or confrontation.

I blame it on The Archers - it was Annette's latest love interest that distracted me.

# 98 [5 October 2009]

Tra la la, Tralala, everything lovely, on top of everything, leisurely session in studio exporting video for light night. Tra la laaaaaagh!!!!

Logon process initialization failure. Please consult the event log for more details. I have an event log? huh?

See you at Light Night. This Friday. In 4 days. I'll be the one in a heap in the corner.

'Inside Out' at ACE Clothing, 5 -10pm, Leeds www.lightnightleeds.co.uk

The changing rooms in the shop are cast as wtiness to our consumerist desires. A film (strangled yelp goes here) about presence and absence projected in the shop windows. And some other stuff in the changing cubicles. (gulp).

# 99 [6 October 2009]

Well, my laptop seems to have got over it's funny turn, which is a huge relief. I couldn't get past the warning message to do anything yesterday, but after a lot of faff it seems OK now. I shouted at older daughter about downloading stuff on my work laptop, and wouldn't run her around to her activities because I needed to sort it out. Now I don't really think it was her fault after all. I said sorry, and am comforting myself with the thought that a good telling off never did me any harm, and it'll help keep her in line in anticipation of future misdemeanours.

Still - once I get over the guilt, I can get back to looking forward to Light Night again. No more  the 'heap in the corner' - I'll be the one greeting you at the door with the big smile.

Lots to do before then though - today I am:

booking flights to New York (took literally hours, and at one point I accidentally got two flights and had to phone helpline in USA to sort it out) - co-ordinating two schools in shortlisting and selecting creative practitioners - authoring DVD's and burning 5 copies - making lists of what to pack for 'Inside Out' Leeds Light Night installation - making mental notes about shopping for daughters outward bounds thing (she goes on Sunday for a whole week and will need more clothes) - stretching my sewing skills making a hidden pocket for an ipod in a pair of jeans for 'Inside Out'

and all before the 3pm school run. I feel a bit jangly.

# 100 [8 October 2009]

All stations go. Projectors are in transit, more diffusion filter being delivered to studio, just received my acrylic print from Photobox, and I'm packing boxes of stuff to take to Leeds tomorrow.

'Inside Out' for Leeds Light Night, at Ace Clothing, 9 Duncan Street, Leeds LS1 6DQ. 01132 454 555. 5pm - 10pm on Friday 9th October (tomorrow!)

I'm experiencing the usual stage fright, and trying to rationalise it so that it doesn't disable me too much. I try to think of it as an interesting sensation, rather than as nausea, headache and jangly shakiness. I have a strong desire to paint watercolour seascapes from now on, but partner helpfully pointed out that it won't work because I'm crap at painting.

Partner also dared to suggest that I've only got myself to blame, no-one is making me do it. Then he went off to work on an overnighter. He's probably best out of it. Still - he'll come up trumps tomorrow when I don't know what lead to attach to what kit, and get all flappy.

Fingers crossed.