ARTISTS TALKING

# 101 [15 October 2009]

I'm tired in that deep rooted feel poorly kind of way. I should feel chilled and relaxed after Light Night but I'm haunted by all the stuff I didn't do while I was doing Light Night. Also really hectic doing Creative Agent stuff.

'Inside Out' for Light Night was OK - visitor numbers were a bit slow,  but it was a wet night, ACE Clothing is a bit off the beaten track and there were over 100 events on, so can't complain really. Everyone that came liked it. I felt stressed all night though - we had problems with the projector and I wasn't 100% happy with a couple of the installations in the changing cubicles. They were OK, but not my favourite work. The window projections were good. I think I got the balance of content and mass appeal right for this sort of 'festival' type of event and the windows gave passersby an 'instant hit' without demanding too much effort (mental or physical).

Other good news - my work's been chosen for a book about artist mothers 'The M Word'.

Also i've had a great conversation with Kat Griefen, Director of AIR Gallery in Brooklyn, NY,and I'm going to run a discussion event for artist parents.

Finally I had a really positive and interesting meeting with Julia Keenan at ACE recently about APT = Artists Parents Talking - I've got a much better idea about how to strategically position the network, particularly in terms of fundraising.

Just need more energy to keep all the balls in the air...

# 102 [21 October 2009]

I feel like I'm getting nearer to where I want to be in terms of art career development, but further from being the artist I want to be. Things are happening, people are interested in my work, and thats very very good. Yet I am so busy doing all the things that support this progress, that I've lost any strong sense (or experience) of my practice. I feel a bit exposed as a result.

Always organising, no open imaginative space. I have to remind myself that this is a phase it will change. Once upon a time I only needed to apply mind over matter mantras due to a bad hangover comedown - 'this will not last for ever, it's just the drugs, this will not last for ever its just the...' Back in the good old days! Now the odd hangover is quite a pleasurable release from thinking and working!

I can't believe that back in the summer I was looking forward to lots of studio time once my kids went back to school! I should know by now, September means tons of Creative Agent work, tons of childrens activities for my kids, tons of catching up with book-keeping, applying for things in an attempt to combat imminent poverty after a long summer and general stressiness. To top it all my washer broke. I'm trying to think of that as a release from washing duties.

I just hope things move on soon! I'm taking part in a critical discussion 'Stock Exchange' in November and feel I would dry up if I had to do that now.

# 103 [22 October 2009]

Two lines of thought today.

1. I am very grateful for all the mothering I receive from my own mum and my mum-in law. They don't bat an eyelid, just keep offering their support in the best way they can.

2. I tried to do too many things at once and cocked something up today and I feel really really crap about it.

# 104 [26 October 2009]

I feel like a bit of a con-artist at the moment. I'm presenting the world with a convincing impression of an artist, when in reality I haven't really engaged with my practice for weeks. I feel really disengaged from it in fact. I am busy from dawn til dusk, (and often for an additional hour from 3am - 4am thinking, planning organising).

I don't play chess, but my life feels the way that chess looks to an ignorant bystander. Lots of  different elements shifting up down and across according to their own rules, with no clear route through to success, but compelled to play out their drama.

All the usual stuff going on - home, kids, money, agent work for Creative Partnerships, thinking about my art and suspecting it's mostly rubbish. I feel uniquely persecuted in my struggle against the chaos of home life, even though I know it's far from unique.  You know the story and I don't want to talk about it any more, I'm boring myself.

# 105 [11 November 2009]

my neighbour really shouted at me yesterday over a fence dispute and I said sorry a lot even though it wasn't my fault. Not good for self esteem, but good for not getting thumped.

now I am going to sneak out of my house and take refuge in my studio. so - there's the silver lining - studio time. computer based jobs are taking over my life and numbing me so this is a good thing.

OK - hood-up and run for it, take cover behind the wall, into the car and don't look back.

# 106 [13 November 2009]

Next stop 'Stock Exchange' - New Work Yorkshire's new initiative to bring together artists for critical discussion. I sent an image and proposal as my 'stock' to invest in the discussions.

Now I'm reassessing the relevance of my proposal and thinking about how to use my 15 minutes presentation time. everything changes all the time, ideas, reasons, directions, confidence, motivation, purpose.

Hope a couple of days in the studio next week will help me work some of this out. problem solving by creative action, not overthinking.

# 107 [19 November 2009]

7.45am stagger out of bed, harass children into getting washed dressed etc

8.45am in junior school doing reading session with daughters class

9.15 on the road, to the studio, pick up milk and tea bags

9.45 frantic scouring out mouldy mugs and cleaning disgusting stinky shared kitchen at studio because I have a guest coming

10.30 reporter from Huddersfield Examiner arrives. Talk about my New York trip, APT, my family – forget to offer tea.

10.50 feeling a bit despondent – reflecting on interview and wishing she hadn’t got me to talk so much about partners job and our children. It doesn’t feel right for some reason

11 – 12 can’t get focused – do a few emails and phone calls

12 - 3.55 eat biscuits and do big diagrams, notes, lists and charts about how I will approach my session at ‘Stock Exchange’ (a sort of crit/sharing session with other artists). Get a call from reporter about organizing photo – say I’ll ring her after school run - my diary is at home

3.57 realise the time, panic, throw everything in my bag, jump into car to get daughter from school club

4.30 get home, trip over all the shoes in the hall and find a note from a delivery company – parcel next door

4.32 – 4.50 carry 4 heavy boxes from next door. Neighbour brings one for me – apologise about trainers in hall and breakfast dishes all over kitchen (wince). Gossip with neighbours long enough to be polite

4.50 -5.05 cheese on toast for kids, open one of the boxes – hurrah – artists books are here and are ace

5.10 shout at kids to hurry up, chuck all horsey kit in car and dash out again, arrive at pony field (older daughter’s  loan pony), attach head torch and discover water carrier has emptied most of water into my boot. Wring out some stuff in boot, shout at older daughter to get hay quicker, throw hay into horse field, back in car drive for 20 minutes, jaw clenched

5.35 arrive at riding school for younger daughter’s 5.30 lesson. Find pony, drag it into arena, apologise for lateness. Watch riding for 55mins. Keeping having minor anxiety attacks about people reading the newspaper article, reading my blog and discovering what I actually do in the name of art.

6.30 – 6.45untack pony, back in car, drive home for 20 minutes. Two messages from reporter – oops. One message from inlaws about Christmas present requests from kids. I pass the message on.

7.10pm discover freezer door was left open, everything frozen solid. Scrape out big chunks of ice. Mop up big puddle. Find something to bung in oven

8pm eat my beige oven dinner and field a range of questions from daughters about their social lives

8.30 - 8.45 clean kitchen and type this. Still got to put kids to bed, deal with some emails and see if I’ve got anything clean to wear for my 7.30 start tomorrow – creative agent school meeting. Knackered.

# 108 [19 November 2009]

23.32 Just about to turn off the computer and end the day. I need to wind down double fast - to get 8 hours sleep I need to be asleep an hour ago...

# 109 [20 November 2009]

Excerpts from my 'Stock Exchange' notes and thoughts;

I write a blog, an activity which has significantly raised the profile of ‘audience’ in my mind – people contact me with responses to my posts, or treat me with avaricious delight when they meet me, having read the blog. I used to be pleased and surprised that people had read it. Currently I’m unsettled about who has and hasn’t read it, and what assumptions they have made based on what they read. The blog has inhabited an ambiguous space between truth and invention. It’s a way of examining and subverting  the private and public. The process of selecting, editing,  enhancing stories to include is a creative one.

But now I am  inhibited by an imagined audience of critics and experience anxiety about being discovered/outed by neighbours and parents at the school gate, who, until now have assumed that I’m the same as them, and only discover I’m not through reading the blog. I can easily imagine the response to this sort of self indulgent rambling... good Yorkshire straight speaking 'bollocks'

# 110 [23 November 2009]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/nov/22/working-women-husbands-housework

'Useless stay-at-home men' a female myth

Working women who claim partners don't pull their weight do so to feel more feminine and in charge in the home.

'....Meisenbach said the trend of the female high achiever and the male slacker is a tall story that women tell each other to compensate for the fact that most career-orientated women feel an "overwhelming sense of guilt" over their role and less of a mother and a wife.'

Great. I feel so much better, safe in the knowledge that any injustice I experience can be explained by my insecurity about my role as a wife and mother. Splendid. now - what to do first, iron my hubby's shirts, tidy the children's book corner or earn some money.