ARTISTS TALKING

# 11 [7 May 2008]

Feel like I'm juggling jelly at the moment. Spent most of the day so far trying to allocate time in my diary to get everything done. The main complication as ever is finding childcare to fit around erratic and irregular working patterns. I have two freelance consultancy jobs for Creative Partnerhsips and engage vying for position, and lots of trips to Scarborough to fit in, to make and instal the show. Then I get sucked into emailing local arts organisations in a bid to start networking in my new area. Which reminds me that I still haven't told the bank that I've moved, etc etc...

When is it ever About the Art? Rob Turner commented on one of my posts that the art will find a way of escaping, and it will make sense of itself in the end. I felt a bit prickly when i first read it - like I KNOW THAT thankyou - but his words have stayed in my head, and have ultimately been quite reassuring - cheers, and sorry for the private grump!

I've remembered that it's About the Art when I'm gnawing away at a tricky problem with siting the projector in the gallery, or when I'm reading other blogs and feeling connected to my artist self, or when I'm just looking at things with Interest. Making-time in the studio is a tiny part of it and that's OK.

# 12 [20 May 2008]

I’ve been thinking about the performance element of ‘Left Behind’ today. I’ve made a test piece to make sure that I can achieve the right effect technically – but the actual performance or action remains vague.

Here are my current ideas: I know that I want to embody the character of a woman who is looking for a way for a change to happen. The film is silent, so she has no voice, and perhaps a limited sense of her options. She is carrying heavy shopping bags full of grit and salt, and sits in the coffee lounge initially looking defeated. I want her to go on a quiet internal journey, and then to leave the gallery.

The film will be projected onto the corner of the gallery where it was filmed, so it produces a life size but insubstantial character in the room. 

There are so many layers and levels of thought involved in this part of the installation – the more research and thought I give it, the more paralysed I feel. I know that ultimately I need to let go of all the rational cerebral processes, and do what feels right, but I don’t know what that is at the moment, so it’s a bit nerve-wracking.

 I think I’m feeling a bit uptight since moving house and meeting work deadlines (for Creative Partnerships and engage) so I can’t easily shift into the soft focus state I need to really work creatively.  

This is a constant challenge for me (and probably other artists?) – managing the shift from being an effective functioning person who understands and can conform to the things that most people see as important – punctuality, clarity, reliability, meeting deadlines, sticking to plans – and being able to shift into a state where none of these things restrict your sense of creative possibilities.  

I'm filming at the gallery on 23rd June, so it'd better come together then!

# 13 [23 May 2008]

I’m giving a talk at the gallery on 25 July. I’ve been thinking about how I can talk about this piece of work in a way that leaves space for people to make their own mind up. My practise involves a period of research, a period of inhabiting the world through the eyes of the latest idea, then investing meaning in the piece through the making process.

By the end I feel I want to explain it all, and have trouble letting it stand alone. I suspect this is also the product of 15years of involvement in community arts; it’s become part of the fibre of my being to consider accessibility in everything I do. Yet I really like looking at work that is difficult, even impenetrable. I have to consciously remember to be lateral and open ended, to enjoy ambiguity.

# 14 [17 June 2008]

Here are some of the thoughts that drift through my mind when I am working on ‘Left Behind’... (it’s difficult to remember many of my thoughts, like when you wake from a dream and it dissolves before you grasp it, but I see this as a sign that I have let go of my logical thought processes, and I welcome that)  –         

the debris that gets left behind by our activities (dust, stains, dirt) – aspirations and daydreams as we wash the dirt and sweat, out of our clothes, making them anonymous and empty again -  longing -  wiping surfaces, tears, bottoms – creating order out of chaos, totally fulfilled – trapped in a loop of repetitive activity, feeling angry resentful and bitter - clean, scrub, fret about stains, worry what judgements others will make – houseproud means wholesome – cleaning is pointless circular - trying to remove evidence - trying to reach the other side– to feel in control – linked to generations of housewives who clear it all up - invisible workforce of cleaners who remove all traces of our time in our offices, on trains and buses, in cafes and restaurants, at cinemas – get rid of anything that reveals vulnerability – messy drippy tears, snot bubbles, leaky bladders, crumbs – don’t make a fuss – wash your face you’ll feel better – if you pretend you are ok, you are ok.

# 15 [20 June 2008]

You know that feeling you have when you just 'can't put your finger on it'? I'm really enjoying that feeling today.

# 16 [27 June 2008]

I spent a day filming the performance element of 'Left Behind' at Scarborough Art Gallery on Monday. What a day! It came hot on the heels of a wedding and late night partying on Saturday, in the Midlands (on my own with the girls' as partner was ill), and a birthday party in Scarborough for eldest daughter on Sunday. Felt really tired and disorientated, and fired up with nerves and adrenalin. My long suffering partner (who would marry an artist?) got off his sick bed and travelled to Scarborough to help with all the technical stuff and document the process.

I characteristically bounced between the full range of emotions at a rate of knots, while he ignored everything but the stuff relevant to the job in hand. It's an impressive skill he has developed, to avoid getting sucked into the drama, while I veer from thinking this is the best piece I've ever made, to thinking it's such a failure I'm embarassed to show it. Hopefully it's somewhere in the middle and will all be fine in the end.

# 17 [3 July 2008]

Today was totally rubbish. It's true you should be careful what you wish for, because I've just had three uninterupted days to devote to my studio practise, and it culminated in a guilt ridden grump of a day, doing nothing useful and feeling bad about it. no pleasing some people...

# 18 [8 July 2008]

Lots and nothing happening at the moment. Went to see MA show in Leeds, and Cy Twombly and RA shows in London. These trips stimulated new thoughts, and opened my world again a bit - need to do this regularly.

Spending more time than normal staring into space or simulating busyness, or redesigning my lists of tasks, none of which makes me feel particularly satisfied, but is quite compulsive behaviour. Then - the odd breakthrough, a movement into activity...

started collecting bits of..... hmm, not sure how to describe this - things like stray eyelashes, bogeys, flap of skin from a blister... are they bits of body? traces we leave behind, evidence of experiences, stains... I got some tiny resealable clear bags and an index card system to record them. My camera is in my studio and the work is at home, so will get a photo organised soon.

# 19 [14 July 2008]

I'm finding it hard to settle in to my new life in West Yorkshire. It felt like a holiday for ages, now the reality has hit and I feel a bit lonely. I think it's a delayed reaction, after keeping it together while the daughters got settled. I'm amazed how much I am defined by my friends, and their knowledge and affirmation of who I am. I know how to act with them, and they know how to respond to me, so everything is more solid with them. Now I feel like I'm losing my edges a bit, retreating inwards.

So it's all the more poignant to be spending the week making final preparations to instal 'Left Behind' at Scarborough Art Gallery on Thursday... setting up a projected image of myself doing slightly peculiar things in the corner of a gallery where I used to spend a lot of time in my old life. I started making this work before I knew we were moving - so now there is a new layer of meaning to this ghost-like mischievous character flickering in the corner of the gallery.

I'm glad she became a mischievous character, rather than a defeated one (which is how she started out). Just hope it all looks the way I imagined it when I get it all in the gallery, and  I can cope with the nerves until after the preview.

ps. unison strike clashes with exhibition installation day, and partner is on an overnight work thing, so daughters have to come to Scarb too. They think the video projection is embarassing and galleries boring. Ace.

# 20 [29 July 2008]

Well, it’s finally all been happening, and I haven’t had a minute to blog – so now I’ve paid for an afternoon’s childcare and resisted my daughters pleas to stay with me (apparently they would rather ‘do anything, even jobs, than go to summer playschemes’ which they ‘really hate’). So I’m in my studio enjoying a few hours to myself and looking back at recent events. Here’s an update 

I set up the installation, feeling really anxious about how it would all come together. It took ages to get the projected image to line up exactly with the table and chairs in the corner of the gallery. The projector is housed inside an old leather suitcase, and needed propping up at a steep angle to get the right effect. I finally got it all sorted and left, hoping that I had left enough air vents for the projector, otherwise it’ll overheat and cut out. 

The next day I was working for Creative Partnerships  in Hull and got a phone call from the gallery saying that all my equipment had failed. Aaagh… spent a sleepless night worrying about it, how can two new pieces of kit both break simultaneously?, is it a fuse, has the projector overheated, has the bulb blown, if so why doesn’t the DVD player work… Returned first thing the next morning armed with toolbox and production manager (aka my partner). 

Turned everything on – it worked fine! Although the projected image was now pointing at the ceiling. I think the gallery had PAT tested my equipment, and moved everything around – I wonder whether the projector had been put back in such a way that it was no longer lined up with the air vents? Anyway, we rigged everything up more securely – a much easier job with two people, and to be honest and my partner is better at technical construction stuff than I am. Anyway, I was just pleased it was all up and running again in time for the preview -  which was great – it was well attended and the work was well received. Phew!