ARTISTS TALKING

# 107 [19 November 2009]

7.45am stagger out of bed, harass children into getting washed dressed etc

8.45am in junior school doing reading session with daughters class

9.15 on the road, to the studio, pick up milk and tea bags

9.45 frantic scouring out mouldy mugs and cleaning disgusting stinky shared kitchen at studio because I have a guest coming

10.30 reporter from Huddersfield Examiner arrives. Talk about my New York trip, APT, my family – forget to offer tea.

10.50 feeling a bit despondent – reflecting on interview and wishing she hadn’t got me to talk so much about partners job and our children. It doesn’t feel right for some reason

11 – 12 can’t get focused – do a few emails and phone calls

12 - 3.55 eat biscuits and do big diagrams, notes, lists and charts about how I will approach my session at ‘Stock Exchange’ (a sort of crit/sharing session with other artists). Get a call from reporter about organizing photo – say I’ll ring her after school run - my diary is at home

3.57 realise the time, panic, throw everything in my bag, jump into car to get daughter from school club

4.30 get home, trip over all the shoes in the hall and find a note from a delivery company – parcel next door

4.32 – 4.50 carry 4 heavy boxes from next door. Neighbour brings one for me – apologise about trainers in hall and breakfast dishes all over kitchen (wince). Gossip with neighbours long enough to be polite

4.50 -5.05 cheese on toast for kids, open one of the boxes – hurrah – artists books are here and are ace

5.10 shout at kids to hurry up, chuck all horsey kit in car and dash out again, arrive at pony field (older daughter’s  loan pony), attach head torch and discover water carrier has emptied most of water into my boot. Wring out some stuff in boot, shout at older daughter to get hay quicker, throw hay into horse field, back in car drive for 20 minutes, jaw clenched

5.35 arrive at riding school for younger daughter’s 5.30 lesson. Find pony, drag it into arena, apologise for lateness. Watch riding for 55mins. Keeping having minor anxiety attacks about people reading the newspaper article, reading my blog and discovering what I actually do in the name of art.

6.30 – 6.45untack pony, back in car, drive home for 20 minutes. Two messages from reporter – oops. One message from inlaws about Christmas present requests from kids. I pass the message on.

7.10pm discover freezer door was left open, everything frozen solid. Scrape out big chunks of ice. Mop up big puddle. Find something to bung in oven

8pm eat my beige oven dinner and field a range of questions from daughters about their social lives

8.30 - 8.45 clean kitchen and type this. Still got to put kids to bed, deal with some emails and see if I’ve got anything clean to wear for my 7.30 start tomorrow – creative agent school meeting. Knackered.

# 106 [13 November 2009]

Next stop 'Stock Exchange' - New Work Yorkshire's new initiative to bring together artists for critical discussion. I sent an image and proposal as my 'stock' to invest in the discussions.

Now I'm reassessing the relevance of my proposal and thinking about how to use my 15 minutes presentation time. everything changes all the time, ideas, reasons, directions, confidence, motivation, purpose.

Hope a couple of days in the studio next week will help me work some of this out. problem solving by creative action, not overthinking.

# 105 [11 November 2009]

my neighbour really shouted at me yesterday over a fence dispute and I said sorry a lot even though it wasn't my fault. Not good for self esteem, but good for not getting thumped.

now I am going to sneak out of my house and take refuge in my studio. so - there's the silver lining - studio time. computer based jobs are taking over my life and numbing me so this is a good thing.

OK - hood-up and run for it, take cover behind the wall, into the car and don't look back.

# 104 [26 October 2009]

I feel like a bit of a con-artist at the moment. I'm presenting the world with a convincing impression of an artist, when in reality I haven't really engaged with my practice for weeks. I feel really disengaged from it in fact. I am busy from dawn til dusk, (and often for an additional hour from 3am - 4am thinking, planning organising).

I don't play chess, but my life feels the way that chess looks to an ignorant bystander. Lots of  different elements shifting up down and across according to their own rules, with no clear route through to success, but compelled to play out their drama.

All the usual stuff going on - home, kids, money, agent work for Creative Partnerships, thinking about my art and suspecting it's mostly rubbish. I feel uniquely persecuted in my struggle against the chaos of home life, even though I know it's far from unique.  You know the story and I don't want to talk about it any more, I'm boring myself.

# 103 [22 October 2009]

Two lines of thought today.

1. I am very grateful for all the mothering I receive from my own mum and my mum-in law. They don't bat an eyelid, just keep offering their support in the best way they can.

2. I tried to do too many things at once and cocked something up today and I feel really really crap about it.

# 102 [21 October 2009]

I feel like I'm getting nearer to where I want to be in terms of art career development, but further from being the artist I want to be. Things are happening, people are interested in my work, and thats very very good. Yet I am so busy doing all the things that support this progress, that I've lost any strong sense (or experience) of my practice. I feel a bit exposed as a result.

Always organising, no open imaginative space. I have to remind myself that this is a phase it will change. Once upon a time I only needed to apply mind over matter mantras due to a bad hangover comedown - 'this will not last for ever, it's just the drugs, this will not last for ever its just the...' Back in the good old days! Now the odd hangover is quite a pleasurable release from thinking and working!

I can't believe that back in the summer I was looking forward to lots of studio time once my kids went back to school! I should know by now, September means tons of Creative Agent work, tons of childrens activities for my kids, tons of catching up with book-keeping, applying for things in an attempt to combat imminent poverty after a long summer and general stressiness. To top it all my washer broke. I'm trying to think of that as a release from washing duties.

I just hope things move on soon! I'm taking part in a critical discussion 'Stock Exchange' in November and feel I would dry up if I had to do that now.

# 101 [15 October 2009]

I'm tired in that deep rooted feel poorly kind of way. I should feel chilled and relaxed after Light Night but I'm haunted by all the stuff I didn't do while I was doing Light Night. Also really hectic doing Creative Agent stuff.

'Inside Out' for Light Night was OK - visitor numbers were a bit slow,  but it was a wet night, ACE Clothing is a bit off the beaten track and there were over 100 events on, so can't complain really. Everyone that came liked it. I felt stressed all night though - we had problems with the projector and I wasn't 100% happy with a couple of the installations in the changing cubicles. They were OK, but not my favourite work. The window projections were good. I think I got the balance of content and mass appeal right for this sort of 'festival' type of event and the windows gave passersby an 'instant hit' without demanding too much effort (mental or physical).

Other good news - my work's been chosen for a book about artist mothers 'The M Word'.

Also i've had a great conversation with Kat Griefen, Director of AIR Gallery in Brooklyn, NY,and I'm going to run a discussion event for artist parents.

Finally I had a really positive and interesting meeting with Julia Keenan at ACE recently about APT = Artists Parents Talking - I've got a much better idea about how to strategically position the network, particularly in terms of fundraising.

Just need more energy to keep all the balls in the air...

# 100 [8 October 2009]

All stations go. Projectors are in transit, more diffusion filter being delivered to studio, just received my acrylic print from Photobox, and I'm packing boxes of stuff to take to Leeds tomorrow.

'Inside Out' for Leeds Light Night, at Ace Clothing, 9 Duncan Street, Leeds LS1 6DQ. 01132 454 555. 5pm - 10pm on Friday 9th October (tomorrow!)

I'm experiencing the usual stage fright, and trying to rationalise it so that it doesn't disable me too much. I try to think of it as an interesting sensation, rather than as nausea, headache and jangly shakiness. I have a strong desire to paint watercolour seascapes from now on, but partner helpfully pointed out that it won't work because I'm crap at painting.

Partner also dared to suggest that I've only got myself to blame, no-one is making me do it. Then he went off to work on an overnighter. He's probably best out of it. Still - he'll come up trumps tomorrow when I don't know what lead to attach to what kit, and get all flappy.

Fingers crossed.

# 99 [6 October 2009]

Well, my laptop seems to have got over it's funny turn, which is a huge relief. I couldn't get past the warning message to do anything yesterday, but after a lot of faff it seems OK now. I shouted at older daughter about downloading stuff on my work laptop, and wouldn't run her around to her activities because I needed to sort it out. Now I don't really think it was her fault after all. I said sorry, and am comforting myself with the thought that a good telling off never did me any harm, and it'll help keep her in line in anticipation of future misdemeanours.

Still - once I get over the guilt, I can get back to looking forward to Light Night again. No more  the 'heap in the corner' - I'll be the one greeting you at the door with the big smile.

Lots to do before then though - today I am:

booking flights to New York (took literally hours, and at one point I accidentally got two flights and had to phone helpline in USA to sort it out) - co-ordinating two schools in shortlisting and selecting creative practitioners - authoring DVD's and burning 5 copies - making lists of what to pack for 'Inside Out' Leeds Light Night installation - making mental notes about shopping for daughters outward bounds thing (she goes on Sunday for a whole week and will need more clothes) - stretching my sewing skills making a hidden pocket for an ipod in a pair of jeans for 'Inside Out'

and all before the 3pm school run. I feel a bit jangly.

# 98 [5 October 2009]

Tra la la, Tralala, everything lovely, on top of everything, leisurely session in studio exporting video for light night. Tra la laaaaaagh!!!!

Logon process initialization failure. Please consult the event log for more details. I have an event log? huh?

See you at Light Night. This Friday. In 4 days. I'll be the one in a heap in the corner.

'Inside Out' at ACE Clothing, 5 -10pm, Leeds www.lightnightleeds.co.uk

The changing rooms in the shop are cast as wtiness to our consumerist desires. A film (strangled yelp goes here) about presence and absence projected in the shop windows. And some other stuff in the changing cubicles. (gulp).