ARTISTS TALKING

# 21 [29 July 2008]

The artists talk 

I returned to Scarborough a week later, full of renewed trepidation about my talk. I hadn’t had time to think about it as the last few days of the school term had taken over my brain (remembering which of my daughters needs money for trips, party food, non-uniform days, leavers assembly blah blah and simultaneously completing paperwork for two schools I have been working with in Hull by end of term). My artists talk had receded into the background for a week and now it was suddenly happening… I’ve been thinking around the issue for months, but never drawing any conclusions about how to tackle it. The night before I travelled to Scarborough, amidst organising appointments for daughters to visit old friends in Scarb I realised there was one easy way to remember what it’s all about - scour my blog for clues. That helped. A bit.  

In the end I met my mum and dad in the coffee lounge at 11am, handed over the daughters to their care, resisted the temptation to internally agitate about my dad’s silent frown as he looked at the honey dripping in the wardrobe, tried and failed to concentrate on his optimistic note in the comments book (‘you’ll be famous one day Rach), and spent an hour with a pen and scrap of paper making a few notes.  

Plenty of people turned up, and pleasingly there were only a couple of friends and supporters – the rest were independently interested! I decided to do what I do on the blog – illuminate the context for the work, rather than try to explain the work itself.  So a few autobiographical anecdotes later, we were all involved in a fascinating discussion about the piece, and most of the comments resonated strongly with my feelings about it. I was elated. Equally importantly, I had, once again talked about my work without talking about my work, and everyone agreed it was the best plan!

# 22 [8 August 2008]

It's been a funny few weeks. The exhibition is ticking along without me now, and it's school holidays so my mind is consumed with stuff children need. I can't even specify what it is that fills the day, but it makes my thoughts feel like they are dipped in blancmange. Not unpleasant but not going anywhere.

 I had a great review written about 'Left Behind' -www.hightidemagazine.com - so that's a buzz. I plan to make a book documenting the piece, and I need to start making plans for my next commission - an  installation for 'Coastival' in Scarborough.

But I just can not work out how to keep mum and artist going at the same time - to be honest I'm knackered from trying. They are two different people, and neither one cares about the other that much.

By the way, for the record, I am (so far) not suffering from a personality disorder. This is something different.

# 23 [17 August 2008]

I've snatched/ demanded a few hours in my studio after having a minor rant about how much f****ing domestic work I do at home and how much I resent it. Partner pointed out that in some ways I am very priviledged to be able to spend 6 weeks at home with the daughters while he has to work. Pile on the guilt I think. There's nothing more frustrating than being told why you should be enjoying something when in all honesty you just don't feel satisfied by 'bottoming out the wash basket'. Whatever the F*** that is. It's all the rage round here though if local mums are to be believed. Hrmph.

Not sure how to use these precious few hours now, and if I make the wrong decision I will feel even more resentful. I need a sense of achievement before 4pm. Here are my options (after all, when in doubt, waste more time writing and prioritising a list I always say).

1. Design and make a very beautiful rota detailing all the domestic chores, how often they need doing, and divide them between household members using a proportionate system depending on how much time they have available - might need help with the maths for this.

2. make a beautiful silk and felt scarf for my friend Kath who is 40 soon.

3. rummage through the big pile of notes, drawings, and rambles that I have collected over the last 15 years - I think they are going to be the starting point for a new project.

4. Use the big shared warehouse space while there's no-one in to look at some of the 25' long felt pieces I've been working on.

On balance I think the scarf is the winner on this occasion - the other ideas are too big and I'm learning not to set myself up for failure. 

# 24 [17 August 2008]

I just want to say that I've also had some wonderful moments recently in relation to making art. I saw Pipilotti Rist at FACT which set my mind firing off in lots of directions - loved it : I've had a good response from Wendy Clews, (Director of Create in Scarborough) to my proposal for a new installation in a hotel room for Coastival: I've got an idea for my next piece  of work as part of my ACE funded research and am looking forward to collaborating  with Rob  McKay, sound artist as part of this research. Maybe I should stop being such a moaning old bag and enjoy this time of plenty while it's here!

# 25 [27 August 2008]

 Just got back from a brilliant week in a bunk barn in South West Lakes. Bought 4 raw fleeces from the farmer, so got a big job ahead to process the wool - never done it before, although I got some idea what to do when I was in Kyrgyzstan.

I'm back in the studio reviewing what happened last time. After all that wittering on, I am pleased to say I got stuck into a new big project instead of making a scarf. Getting started is always the hardest bit, so at least now I've got something to sit and stare at and respond to.

I seem to do lots of displacement activities (is that the right term for it?) - buying new materials, researching processes, reading related stuff, the time never seems right to actually start making.

Then all of a sudden it will take off and I won't be able to stop til I drop. I'm not at that stage yet though - I'm making a felt house (about the size of a garden gazebo), and am doing lots of research about how to put text and drawings onto the felt. Also continuing experiments with varied translucency/density of felt and projected video. I feel lucky to be an artist today.

# 26 [6 October 2008]

Nothing to report.

 Starting to feel self conscious about having nothing whatsoever to say about anything. just busy and tired.

# 27 [14 October 2008]

if you had all the freedom and no restriction, what would the most fulfilling experience be?

 I feel like I inhabit the edges of my life instead of the core at the moment.

# 28 [24 October 2008]

I've been embroiled in a period of questioning and doubt. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it  – 'know your enemy' and all that.

I think it goes like this:

1. dash around like a blue arsed fly for a few weeks, work 12 hour days, travel a lot, lose the thread with how your children are, maintain relations with partner in terms logistics of delivering and collecting children appropriately, accumulate 8 tons of dirty washing in all corners of the house, eat cereal late at night for dinner, prepare crap packed lunches for children (dry bread and cheese and an apple and water).

2. Feel bad.

3. Stop dashing around, and attempt to launch straight into the planned studio week in order to feel better.

4. Still can't find the school letter, a clean pair of socks or remember to buy any toothpaste, and it's a week since the Busy Spell ended.

5. Feel bad

6. spend the studio week remembering what the hell I was thinking about last time I was working on my art. Decide those ideas are all embarassingly shit.

7. Tidy the studio. It's Thursday already.

8.Give in to the 'What a waste of a week ' guilt trip that is so popular with me lately. Feel bad

9.need to make some decisions, take control of my working pattern, get on with it. Spend two days thinking and planning (accompanied by the internal 'what a waste of time' mantra – I doggedly ignore it, writing lists is always my salvation.

10. Go to a preview. Evereyone else seems to be doing better than me. Don't even know what I think about the art in the show – what's that about?

11. Feel bad

12. Start to write Interim report for ACE. Feel totally overwhelmed.

13. Think about my work, how to make it better. Will I ever have another idea? Have I lost it? How do you know which idea is the good one? How do you know when it's good art and when it's crap? How do you choose which way to take your idea?

14. Take control. Enlist help from mentors. Meet Rebecca in Manchester. She's ace, and seems to understand. I feel comforted, even while I feel intimidated by all her achievements and reassurances.

15. Take down 'Left Behind' from Scarborough Art Gallery. The comments book is littered with compliments. Hurrah, these people have finally recognised my genius. Elation.

16. Drive home with it all packed up in the car. Remember the projected image of me, trapped in her little routine for three months in the corner of the coffee lounge. It's alright now I think, you're not Left Behind. You're in the car coming home with me. We'll find a new adventure for you in West Yorkshire.

17. Feel a bit better. Phew.

# 29 [31 October 2008]

I love it when people comment on my blog! it cheers me up to think that people are interested enough to read it. (Thanks Jane - it helps to feel a bit of solidarity out there!)

I'm generally more upbeat at the moment because I have a bit more time to think about my work and feel on top of things.

I'm returning to the idea that the different roles I play as mother and artist, are in themselves an artwork. I'm thinking about all my creative activities (getting into character for the school playground conversations, recreating an organised home against the tide of mess, then shedding perceived social constructs for the studio, stripping back to the essentials - all entrenched in ritual and performative elements).  In terms of relational practice I am wondering how I could document these actions better to construct an artwork.

I'm not sure where these thoughts will lead (probably back in on themselves for a while) but at least I'm Interested.

I really wish I could have some kind of tutorial with someone who knows lots of stuff. I never fully appreciated the value of that properly when I was at art college.

# 30 [11 November 2008]

for some reason I am shivering in my kitchen instead of going to my warm studio to research feminist art centres/exhibitions/symposiums. There seems to be loads going on in Canada and the states so I think I need to plan a trip for 2009. All suggestions welcome!