ARTISTS TALKING

# 77 [3 July 2009]

The I-phone. Chapter two.

Failed attempt no. 5

Got all my ID, and set off in new second hand car, armed with printed experian report - status summary 'excellent'.

Roughly 47 seconds later car ground to a halt.

Got out of car, walked back home. Unbelievably annoying.

Failed attempt no. 6

Car was easily repaired by judiscious administering of petrol into the fuel tank. Looks like the fuel gauge doesn't work.

Drove to town, feeling quite nervous and excited. This is it! Today I get my phone! With GPS (or whatever you call it) so I won't get lost in London tonight!

Talked to staff in the shop who said the experian report probably wasn't the main problem in the first place. I applied for a business account, and one of the main factors is the credit status of the address. I know that the previous occupier of my house ran a businesss from the house and had debt collectors - we've had letters and visits from them. The house could be blacklisted for three years. I can apply again in a month if I want, but a negative response will affect my credit rating.

All I want is to give them money for a phone!

Meanwhile, 3 are desparate to keep my business and keep calling with better offers. Maybe this is the point where i give up.

# 76 [1 July 2009]

There is only one thing to say. I would rather be in Venice than here. review of Venice trip on interface.

# 75 [23 June 2009]

How to not buy an i-phone in 4 chapters.

1. After much deliberation, and aching shoulders from lugging a laptop around, decide to invest in an i-phone. 4pm Sunday, pile family into car, drive to O2 shop, discover that current phone contract with 3 has a month to run. Decide to wait a month. Go home. Spend a month noticing all the occasions when I would have used my iphone.

i2. One month later. Go back to O2 shop, discuss the various details and decide the business contract is best. Haven't brought any documentation or ID for my business. Go home. Spend a week or so noticing all the times when I would have used my iphone.

3. Some time later. Go back to O2 shop. Discover the new phone comes out today, along with new contract details so discuss options, and make decision. Phone 3 for PAC code. Possibly the most stressful 25minutes of my life battling with relentless woman to get PAC code. Felt quite shaky by the end. She said she would text it in the next few hours. Hang out in town for a few hours.

4. Go back to O2 shop. Very busy (new phone out - I find it weird how many people want one immediately). My credit application is rejected! Go home feeling depleted and contact experian. My record shows I went a few pounds over my overdraft limit twice in the last year and haven't fully paid off my credit card for the last couple of months. No late payments or other misdemeanours. Can't believe this is enough to reject my application. Awaiting reply from enquiry to experian. continuing to notice all the times when I would have used my iphone. PAC code expires in a month, so if I don't get it all sorted, I'll have to psyche up to that phone conversation again.

# 74 [6 June 2009]

I've hit an alltime low. I feel really overwhelmed, and like giving it all up. I've decided to blog about it, because if no-one admits that sometimes it's too hard, it sets impossible standards for everyone else, and we all compare ourselves to these false images of parents who cope beautifully.

I'm tired, I'm run down, I keep being ill, I'm short tempered, small problems feel like big problems. No matter how I try to shoe horn my workload into my available time it doesn't fit. I need to worker harder, quicker, longer and I just can't find the energy.

Worst of all, I have two projects that I want to make, and I don't see any possibility of finding the time to get in my studio to do them. Despite ACE funding, I still haven't made the work that's agitating around in my mind.

 I need to change my attitude and my work pattern, because I value my health and happiness. But, once again, it looks like the thing to go will be the studio time. I need to accept that these two projects may take years not months to achieve, which is so frustrating when I know I could probably get them resolved if I could work on them full time for two months.

I need to cultivate patience and generosity towards myself, but my mind is filled with a sense of disappointment and failure. Maybe I've got things out of perspective, but today the future feels bleak.

# 73 [3 June 2009]

Ps. Keep forgetting to mention - I decided not to rush ahead with a NAN application for APT = Artists Parents Talking. I've had tons of ideas about what we might do, but I'd like to develop the conversation through the a-n forum (when it's set up) then apply to ACE and NAN together for a more substantial fund to develop the network strategically.

I keep wanting to forge ahead more quickly, but I know from experience that it's better to be patient and do things properly.

I forgot my 'two year theory' in my excitement. (every project takes two years to do, so get your head round it, keep working at it, accept it and remember that 'Rome wasn't etc etc')

# 72 [1 June 2009]

 

I keep feeling like I should be doing more in my studio. Despite my ACE funding, designed to enable a 'sustained period of studio time', I still feel my practice is fractured and 'bitty'. The money has relieved the pressure to earn money to some extent, but I still can't turn down freelance opportunities that may be lucrative, or lead to further work – and I still have a family to care for. It's just been half term AGAIN – I feel like they are never at school lately!

To some extent I think I am more focussed and driven than I have ever been, as a direct result of having children. But I can't help wondering if approaching my making through a series of short bursts of energy, (rather than in a natural timescale, where one works on a job until it is appropriate to leave it) must affect the end result.

I think I need to organise a couple of days soon where I can just stay in the studio until I'm ready to leave, rather than when the alarm sounds – I literally do set an alarm, that gives me precisely 3 minutes to get out of the studio and on the road, which means I arrive at the school gate in a distracted state, but allows me to squeeze every drop out of the time.

# 71 [27 May 2009]

I've just seen the first draft of my artists book and I love it! I'm so excited about it again. A great end to a long hard day. Full credit to Adrian Riley, Electric Angel, for a sterling job!

# 70 [23 May 2009]

 

I'm going to New York in the autumn – a research trip, funded by ACE and supported by A.I. R gallery... I'm feeling a bit nervous about it now, because I suffer with dysgeographica (geographical dyslexia – I even get lost in buildings that I have worked in for years, public toilets, my home town). Yesterday I spent a frustrating and humiliating half hour pacing round a multi storey car park (probably going in circles, but I can't be sure as my sense of direction is so limited).

 I keep thinking I might start to document some of my lost experiences.

It's so distressing though – I get really panicky and feel genuinely worried that I might never find where I want to go. It's almost hopeless asking for advice, as I can't apply what they say to the actual road. Maps are the same – they make sense as maps, but don't seem to relate to the actual road. It's like trying to understand a complex philosophical or mathematical theory – I see how it could make sense, but have no idea of how to apply it in a real situation. If I arrive at a junction from a different direction, I don't know where I am. How am I going to do New York?!!

 

# 69 [20 May 2009]

I think it's time this blog got back to the art - I'm quite happy to go off at an interesting tangent, but I think I might lose sight of the purpose of the exercise.

I'm in an in-between stage, trying to decide which ideas to follow next. I've got a week set aside for filming myself opening 2 boxes of my old belongings that my mother packaged up and gave me 10 years ago. I've never looked in the boxes since.

I feel I need to revisit all my notes about recent progress, to set the scene in my head before I do it. Here's a selection of my unedited notes, in the order they popped into my head;

My over arching intention is to explore how we become who we are, with reference to feminist theory – I am experimenting with different methods of investigating this – conversations, blogging, writing, desk based research, making images and installations.

I am looking for ways to understand  issues of identity and gender roles in domestic situations more deeply,. I use a range of methods to do this;

  fantasy inventions, imagining different ways that women might respond to this predicament (eg. What the Chamber Maid Saw).

blogging about my experiences as a way of observing and instigating changes in my own situation.

I get into character for doing the school run, and observe myself breathing life into the role. This in itself is a creative process.

The process of making the work, reflects the content. This self reflexive approach is fascinating and suffocating.

 I try to tune into the details – details are what connect us – I remember the way someone moves their eyes when they speak, or their hands – this is how we see life. I try to go beyond the overlooked familiar and find information in the details of the dirt, dust and detritus we leave behind. 

I look for clues about people's private and public identity as symbiotic qualities. I consider this in terms of 'truth', 'fact' and 'memory' – all of which are shifting and unstable, and yet somehow determine our sense of identity.

I like the voyeuristic quality to my work. It is in some ways a side effect of what I do, although it may also be the major factor. We are compelled to peer into lit windows at night time, and gain an internal sense of satisfaction and power from doing so. I enjoy the feeling of power from provoking this need in others, and the ambiguity about the 'truth' of what I am presenting.

Writing lists, keeping records of all the domestic planning and co-ordinating

 I plan to develop my own time-use study on Twitter 

Initiating a new network for parents who are artists – APT = Artists Parents Talking

 

# 68 [18 May 2009]

I've been reading Valerie Bryson's paper on time use studies again. It's set me thinking about the fact that as a parent I am always on call, never off duty. It's more a matter of the degree of responsibility. As Valerie points out, even sleeping involves childcare, as a child is liable to wake up and need something at any point, and I have to be in a fit state to deal with it.

Here's my sliding scale of responsibility. 0 is completely carefree and 9 is total attention to children.

when I am asleep 1

when they are asleep and I am in the house 2

when they are asleep and I am out, but nearby 3

when I am away overnight and partner is in charge 2

once, when I was in Kyrgyzstan with no phone, email or other contact with home 0

during school hours 3 (need mobile phone on and need to ensure I or someone else can collect sickly children/ do the school run).

first thing in the morning 7

any time when children are experiencing extreme emotions (ill, upset, in the school play, excited)- 9

This is probably boring for you, so I'll stop there. but fascinating for me. I might see if partner will do it, so we can compare approaches. hmmm. might cause a row, so will have to be careful how to approach this.