ARTISTS TALKING

# 37 [2 February 2009]

UNBELIEVABLE! The Activities Officer at the hotel wants to cancel the event! There was some internal communication breakdown at the hotel, she wasn't informed it was happening and says it can't go ahead.

But - it looks like wonderful Wendy at Create (organiser of Coastival) has done some wonderful smooth talking and persuaded her to change her mind...

talk about putting the wind up me, I'm terrified she won't approve of it and will pull the rug out on the day. Months of work and thought and tears and stress, it has to go ahead.

# 36 [31 January 2009]

too many things happening to go into now, but here's a sample off the top of my head;

had a site visit in Room 315 at The Grand Hotel - originally planned for two days, but had to fit everything into one day and work into the night.

had a minor altercation with the Activities Officer, who hadn't been told about the project.

going in circles with ideas about what to do with the bathroom. It's a totally different configuration from what I'd imagined it might be, and I'm unsure what to do.

one of the solutions I tried, involved lying in a sparkly dress in a bath full of clear balloons filled with water. I am verging on being phobic of balloons at the best of times. I was clearly becoming overtired and a little deranged.

tested a video projection in the window of the room, visible from the road - made some decisions based on the things that look best, but now re-evaluating those decisions in terms of semiotics.

tested 5 short films of close-up details of my face, which will play on a loop on tiny screens embedded in the bed covers - initial feedback from friends is that they look quite rude...

complicated conversation with hotel receptionist - I want them to sell me an old worn out hotel bed cover. The concept of someone wanting an old bed cover is too difficult for them to understand.

had a weepy moment watching older people dancing in the ballroom.

got a new polaroid camera and film - loving the results

the usual argy bargy at home when I want more help with washing and tidying - he doesn't want to prioritise it because we are busy. I want him to prioritise it because I am busy. This feels like an enormous issue.

went for an interview for a freelance post to run some training but my mind and body were both elsewhere (my mind on my art, my body suddenly chose the beginning of the interview to to menstruate unexpectedly). Don't think I got the job.

# 35 [23 January 2009]

I can't believe the pace of things at the moment. I realised just how warped my perception of time had got when I had a huge row with partner about things I thought he should have done a week ago and still hadn't done. I got all dramatic, and threw in a few 'you don't appreciate my suffering' comments (always a bit embarassing in the long run). Anyway, it turned out, I'd only asked him to do the 'things' the night before, not a week as I'd imagined.

 The implication being that I've crammed a weeks worth of thinking and doing into my head in 24 hours. No wonder I'm susceptible to a bit of 'martyrdom indulgence' which allegedly is one of my favoured guises.

As for 'What the Chamber Maid Saw', I'm loving and hating the whole experience of bringing this project to life. Life and art are blurred, as I explore the motivation and character of the hotel guest and try to hold my domestic life in some sort of order.

I'm working with a really great artist, Lucy Barker, which has taken a lot of pressure off. She was originally teaching me video editing, but it became quickly apparent that I really need someone to edit my films for me this time. She really seems to 'get' what I'm doing so maybe we'll collaborate again.

Anyway, today's task is to reshoot and edit some footage for the hotel bed - more info soon.

# 34 [8 January 2009]

I'm really enjoying a week of wallowing in art ideas and making. I've moved up a gear now towards making 'What the Chamber Maid Saw' for the Grand Hotel in Scarborough. It's an amazing building, '‘Originally constructed in 1863, it was one of Europe's first purpose-built hotels, with a design based on time; 4 towers - 4 seasons, 12 floors - the months, 52 chimneys for weeks and 365 bedrooms for the day of the year. It is a beautiful example of grand Victorian architecture and totally dominates its surroundings.’

I don't want to describe what I'm doing in too much detail in case it breaks the spell and I lose confidence in it. Fixing things with words can be a dangerous business - it creates limits around an idea, as if the word takes over control of the object and fixes it in one interpretation. I'll put some images on the blog when I'm ready, but I'm at that delicate stage in the making where if I describe it I'll start to feel insecure.

Generally feeling good about it though. Got a nice email from my officer at Arts Council England, Yorkshire, saying they've approved the changes i proposed in my interim report. She said she thinks I've 'hit my stride on this now' which I think is a great image to hold in my head.

# 33 [18 December 2008]

I've had a bit of a pause for a week or two. Tidied the studio and stared at everything I've made recently in a blank, out of focus, starey sort of way. Got some books to read for research, but couldn't focus on that. Think I needed a break.

Anyway, I'm back at it now - had a long 'thinking in the bath' session last night - had to top up with hot water twice before I finished my think and it was still cold by the time I got out.

The result of the think is a big list of tasks to get stuck into. I've been commissioned to devise a new installation for a hotel room for Coastival in February 2008 - (www.coastival.com) and this is the start of that process.

First job - organise a site visit. Ooo I do love a list to follow - it's like a set of instructions and rules and represents security.

# 32 [1 December 2008]

Thanks Rob for selecting my blog for 'bloggers choice'. It brightened me up at the end of a tiring week; I went to Scotland to give a talk at a conference for engage Scotland, in addition to all my open studios prep (updating portfolio, getting new business cards, revising cv, making the installation etc) Knackered today.

As for open studios - it was pretty good really. I wasn't as brave as I could've been in terms of approaching visitors, but I enjoyed talking to the ones that approached me.

Today I've spent a (perversely) therapeutic few hours sorting out paperwork, stripping beds, washing sheets and tidying the house. It gives me a sense of calm and order after last week.

# 31 [27 November 2008]

Preview of Open Studios at Batesmill tomorrow and things are not going to plan. I made a spontaneous decision (a rare and usually disastrous thing in my world) to take part - and now of course I'm doubting my wisdom!

I will show a work in progress, an early manifestation of a bigger idea. I am perfectly happy with the notion that open studios can be about revealing a process rather than exhibiting a complete body of work. I am happy that the piece I am showing is (just about) ready for a public outing... not fully resolved, but enough successful elements to carry it. I'm even looking forward to talking to people about it. But.

Now I am prickled by the anticipation of visitors seeing it as a finished work, and making judgements. I'm taking a real risk showing something that I'm not yet entirely happy with - it's easy to start feeling like a blagger in that situation.

I confuse myself sometimes - I knew that this was one of the hazards of taking part, and decided that I was happy to deal with that, as the benefits of bonding with other resident artists and becoming part of the local scene outweighed the negative. Now I'm not so sure.

I don't know if I 'get' Open Studios. What's it for? Is it just for makers to sell their wares? Have I dropped a clanger? too late now. off to the studio to get it sorted. Nothing like a deadline to neutralise all your creative intution, leaving room for you to make panic decisions and head for the red wine. Wahoo!

# 30 [11 November 2008]

for some reason I am shivering in my kitchen instead of going to my warm studio to research feminist art centres/exhibitions/symposiums. There seems to be loads going on in Canada and the states so I think I need to plan a trip for 2009. All suggestions welcome!

# 29 [31 October 2008]

I love it when people comment on my blog! it cheers me up to think that people are interested enough to read it. (Thanks Jane - it helps to feel a bit of solidarity out there!)

I'm generally more upbeat at the moment because I have a bit more time to think about my work and feel on top of things.

I'm returning to the idea that the different roles I play as mother and artist, are in themselves an artwork. I'm thinking about all my creative activities (getting into character for the school playground conversations, recreating an organised home against the tide of mess, then shedding perceived social constructs for the studio, stripping back to the essentials - all entrenched in ritual and performative elements).  In terms of relational practice I am wondering how I could document these actions better to construct an artwork.

I'm not sure where these thoughts will lead (probably back in on themselves for a while) but at least I'm Interested.

I really wish I could have some kind of tutorial with someone who knows lots of stuff. I never fully appreciated the value of that properly when I was at art college.

# 28 [24 October 2008]

I've been embroiled in a period of questioning and doubt. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it  – 'know your enemy' and all that.

I think it goes like this:

1. dash around like a blue arsed fly for a few weeks, work 12 hour days, travel a lot, lose the thread with how your children are, maintain relations with partner in terms logistics of delivering and collecting children appropriately, accumulate 8 tons of dirty washing in all corners of the house, eat cereal late at night for dinner, prepare crap packed lunches for children (dry bread and cheese and an apple and water).

2. Feel bad.

3. Stop dashing around, and attempt to launch straight into the planned studio week in order to feel better.

4. Still can't find the school letter, a clean pair of socks or remember to buy any toothpaste, and it's a week since the Busy Spell ended.

5. Feel bad

6. spend the studio week remembering what the hell I was thinking about last time I was working on my art. Decide those ideas are all embarassingly shit.

7. Tidy the studio. It's Thursday already.

8.Give in to the 'What a waste of a week ' guilt trip that is so popular with me lately. Feel bad

9.need to make some decisions, take control of my working pattern, get on with it. Spend two days thinking and planning (accompanied by the internal 'what a waste of time' mantra – I doggedly ignore it, writing lists is always my salvation.

10. Go to a preview. Evereyone else seems to be doing better than me. Don't even know what I think about the art in the show – what's that about?

11. Feel bad

12. Start to write Interim report for ACE. Feel totally overwhelmed.

13. Think about my work, how to make it better. Will I ever have another idea? Have I lost it? How do you know which idea is the good one? How do you know when it's good art and when it's crap? How do you choose which way to take your idea?

14. Take control. Enlist help from mentors. Meet Rebecca in Manchester. She's ace, and seems to understand. I feel comforted, even while I feel intimidated by all her achievements and reassurances.

15. Take down 'Left Behind' from Scarborough Art Gallery. The comments book is littered with compliments. Hurrah, these people have finally recognised my genius. Elation.

16. Drive home with it all packed up in the car. Remember the projected image of me, trapped in her little routine for three months in the corner of the coffee lounge. It's alright now I think, you're not Left Behind. You're in the car coming home with me. We'll find a new adventure for you in West Yorkshire.

17. Feel a bit better. Phew.