ARTISTS TALKING

# 36 [22 July 2009]

I suppose this is where the 'degrees unedited' blog ends.  I imagine I will continue on through the 'artists talking' bit, could well be an intriguing way of thinking through work and discussing the complications and (hopefully) joys of ongoing practice and the setting up of studios and artist led space. 

We are beginning to develop a vision for the future in Nottingham, to set up an umbrella name and studios under which al manner of transient shows and events happen.  There is a fantastic mix of installation, moving image and performance work happening within our graduating year and I'm sure that within those disciplines and collaboration exciting things will happen, with eyes looking towards the British Art Show opening here next year.  The dream is to build a profile and work with the other groups to host a sideshow running alongside the main event to show the incredible depth of what is happening in the city.  Exciting times.

We graduated yesterday, caps and gowns all round.  It's a surreal experience, walking on stage to shake the Deans hand, making our acheivements official.  It finally struck me just what I have acheived, a good degree from a good institution.  As much as I think the Fine Art course often feels like its own entity within the school, the pride I felt of my fellow graduees and of being part of what appears to be such a forward looking institution was great, and the realisation that this part of life and career will now give way to the bigger picture of working independantly in the wider world was exciting rather than intimidating.

The day-to-day reality might be slightly different, looking for opportunities alongside the necessary job hunt, the need for flexible employment that doesn't devour all of my time and energy and the need to find new inspiration and ideas (although I do recognise the need for a break).  I don't know if the modern world is drastically different from the past, or if I am too fond of security and cleanliness to pursue the romantic idea of living on little from day to day.  Are we conditioned now to expect to be able to live well whilst working, to live in comfort, to afford heating and good food and to have social lives and technology?  Is it this need which requires me to work rather than find a squat and struggle making ends meet so I can devote my life to artwork? 

Keeping going.  Looking forward.  Beginning to appreciate the credit crunch.

# 35 [17 June 2009]

Results came yesterday, and I am incredibly proud of my year, if a little dissapointed myself.  I wonder how much better I could have done if I didn't take on the catalogue, or rather if it hadn't become so time consuming as we were let down by companies and realised we just didn't understand how to use the software.  Those two extra days I spent re-doing things at a time I had set aside to crack my portfolio now seem incredibly detrimental. 

Went to see some studio space this morning, its not ideal but it may have to do, just beginning to realise how much space we may need and the relative cost.  Today's viewing includes access to workshops and no hidden costs, which I'm sure we will encounter as we look more independantly.  Made me wonder if I really need a studio space though, and if I can really afford one.

Queue at the Job Centre anyone?

# 34 [13 June 2009]

This is limbo.

I'm all done, show taken down, and as much as a few days off are welcome, the prospect of tidying my degree-scarred bedroom and working out what is next isn't the most exciting prospect.  Should I sign on?  I'll need to, in the absence of having found a job.  It's back to that I suppose.

In the meantime, its all about turning the mind back to ideas so I can write some proposals and applications for shows and resisencies.  This is how it will be from now on I suppose.

I'm trying to not question whether or not the degree was really worth it, I know that will raise its head time and time again, and although the debt has mounted the experience was fantastic. 

I read with amazement and some worry the numerous reviews of our degree show on a-n.  Many are negative in some way, and few are balanced.  It is the result of the first years being encouraged to put their reviews up, and as much as I admire those who take a firm stance and say what they think, it shows how much your ability to be balanced and critical whilst removing description and awkward comments can develop over the course of this degree.  It worries me that some of these might damage our show and those in the future, that this request by the tutors may shoot them in the foot.....

Otherwise, I've been selected alongside a few others to have my work shown alngside Mark Titchner in the bar at Broadway cinema here in Nottingham.  That is all good.

# 33 [25 May 2009]

I write with 20  and a half hours to go.  Four O'Clock tomorrow sees the big deadline, the cutoff, the end of being a working student.

I'm ready, providing the Blu-Ray disc has burnt overnight, and that I finish the last small part of the research portfolio.  Hit a good vibe last night and worked through till 4 am for some reason, but it got it done so I'm not complaining.  Leaves me tomorrow to do all the little bits, tape down cables and make sure everything is just right.  Then the pub, I think.

It's all quite sad actually, the end of three years of hard work, wishing I was working harder, mixed emotions and the highs and lows which come from being in such an intense environment, pouring out your soul as you try to discover what it is you are interested in and how to make that interesting to someone else.  

I've always found, in life, that it takes a few years to really work out what you learnt.  I know my understanding and knowledge of art has been transformed, that my confidence has been raised and that my ability to communicate has grown.  I've discovered philosophy, looked at theology from a different viewpoint and begun to develop an ability to be critical of things.  Practical skills have been developed, from handling paint to capturing and editing video, a knowledge of software and hardware.

This is starting to sound like one of those academic evaluations.

Then I wonder what has been more important, the practical and 'art' skils and knowledge or the experience.  Letting loose, discovering new things outside of the studio, the exchange of influences and ideas; music, books, film and food.  I've loved, lost and loved again and learnt to deal with the best and worst of situations surrounded by the most diverse crowd of people I've ever known.

Thats far more sentimental, I'd like to say I'm not normally like that, but I have a terrible penchant for it.

So, amongst all the work and life skills, what has been the most important, and the most prevalent.   I think there are two.  One is the ability to live, work and get on with people.  That's pretty key.  The other is the ability to bullshit.  You can decide if thats a good thing.

# 32 [21 May 2009]

It's easy to look back and wish.  Wish I'd started things sooner, wish I'd thought things through, wish I'd had that idea then, wish I'd got it right first time, but then this wouldn't be half as interesting.

The first years are kindly providing a countdown to hand in via the large red letters which hang in the studio.  'Five days to go' it read today.  Five days to finish five more pages of research, to write an overview of tutorials and to ensure the blu-ray kit works properly.  Seems there is still so much to do.The new voiceovers are not quite good enough, plus I've run out of time to edit and put them onto the video, never mind record them again.  Might happen though.

Having said that, its also nice to look at the positive.  I'm more than confident in my writing, and the greater proportion is done.  The screen is built and looks good (although we will only know for sure when we have projected onto it tomorrow), the PA is in, we have (finally) got our hands on blu-ray discs and have burnt the first for testing. 

I have to admit it is nice to not have the responsibility of installing bigger work, the beamer room where the showreel will be has been relatively simple, so much so that my first and second year helpers have been passed on to others more in need.  It has been more of a battle with technology and the showreel still needs to be made, however this is far simpler.

The catalogue still is not resolved.  The printers keep coming back and asking for fonts and files which I have no idea what they are.  Discovered the 'package' function on InDesign this week, would have been nice to know about that before, would have saved a day's panic (and we did ask what we needed to do with the files).  Still, I keep faith and look forward to holding it in my hands.

It is not yet the time for reflection though.  It is still time to look forward and tackle the tasks head on, somehow, and rediscover that elusive motivation, although this is mostly for the re-presentation of work, I'm still perturbed as to how I will fit a years work and research onto 10 pages of A4.

But then this is what I signed up for.  And I'm gonna bloody do the darned best I can.  And then get back to writing proposals.

Show in Brighton has, by all reports, gone very well.   96 through the door in two days.  Good times.

Hope all is going swimmingly. x

# 31 [14 May 2009]

Sent the catalogue to print today, quite a sense of relief and a different sense of anxiety as it is now out of our hands.  Hopefully we will have proofs on Monday, an exciting prospect.  I was talking to a fellow catalogue team member today about the potential sense of acheivement and pride when stood in front of our work with the catalogue in hand, seems so far away.

Rebuilt the screen for projection today.  As I expected, the projector is more than capable of filling the room, and as a result we were able to persuade the technicians to let us extend the screen into 16:9 helped by the discovery of a readymade board exactly the right size to bolt on the end.  All thats left now is to get a nice finish, and burn the showreel.

The showreel is a whole different prospect, work has been taking several hours to export and burn as we are working with Blu-Ray, potentially a 24 hour rendering process at the end, making room for mistakes and re-edits slim.  Still, positively looking at the options.  I think my work will have to be cut up and shown ininstallments throughout the showreel, might well work better than the actual piece (maybe).

Final tutorial today as well.  Not the most useful, but not unuseful.  Have been working on my documentation, it has changed quite a bit after much consideration, interesting how much more of a challenge it is for those working with moving image than, for example, a medium where stil images are suffice, although I must admit that producing documentation in the last two years has been a huge learning curve (especially as regards authoring dvds) and has led to work being cahanges as I look at it a different way.

Started moving things today, several filing cabinets and much oldschool a/v kit, including all the 16mm equipment, bringing back memories of the workshop and an urge to use it: plus I found footage of myself.

The studios are morphing gradually into an exhibition space.  It's exciting!

# 30 [12 May 2009]

I'm wondering where the motivation went.

It's been a strange week, all go, realised I've not really had a day off in three weeks.  Quite looking forward now to going to Brighton this weekend, going to be in a show there organised by the Secret Garden Party, good opportunity to see my video in a different context and under a different title.  It'll be like a big crit.

We have been having a crisis over screen ratios.  Several of us are going to be on a showreel, and the majority are working in HD.  It's been tough enough to get the Blu-Ray kit together, but that all looks fantastic and I can't wait to see my work shown on it, however it would seem that as we are all working in 16:9 and the screen is 4:3, we may have to letterbox the screen.  This causes a major problem for me as I will no longer retain the context of the work dwarfing the viewer.

I had though that we could all paste the work onto a 4:3 canvas so that I could cut off the edges and the others could letterbox their work, however Final Cut doesn't seem to allow this, and the technicians are reticent to let us widen the screen.  Feeling quite disillusioned after hearing this, I already took the gamble of being on a showreel so I could have the size and due to a lack of project spaces I could have installed in.  Really wish I'd fought for one of them though now, it's actually impossible to get one, there's not enough to go round.

I was told that 'everyone will have to compromise', but I don't see this, I see plenty of people happily now beginning to decorate their rooms exactly as they wanted them, and I'm struggling to not have some remorse here, even though others have had to find alternatives because their reason for neding the room was not so great.  I just wonder what would have happened if I stuck a claim for one.  I think I wanted to avoid the unpleasantness, and really thought that this room wouldbe the answer.  Thinking about it now, the showreelcould take alot from the work.  Who else wants to be on a showreel with a 40 minute projection of the sun setting anyhow.

I should really think things through better before I write on here, but my usual style is to let it all flop out as I write.  My apologies for what, at times, has probably been an over emotional and senseless blog.  

It's been a very emotional year, and I think I'm still reeling from alot of it, especially as it has all somehow become integral to my work.

Two weeks.  

# 29 [2 May 2009]

Two things:

Firstly, a call for submissions of images, text, video and sound works using or concerning ideas of appropriation, re-use and authorship to:

megantait@hotmail.co.uk or
machinemusic@hotmail.co.uk

by 22nd May.

See attached image.

Secondly, life and work.

I have two concurrent ideas reflecting the realisation that my journey incorporating various meetings and practices has created a dialogue between belief systems and their ways of searching for experience.  They are often similar, as is the aim, and it leads me to wonder whether there is an inherent human desire for such things, however we choose to look and in whatever form we find the experience.

Ray Lee gave a lecture yesterday, and ended witha quote from 'Wonders and the Order of Nature'.  It concerned our need for wonder, the artist as someone who can communicate and or create wonder; he had spoken about a piece of work which, whilst not incredibly conceptually engaging, had become increasingly popular as it became apparent that it gave the audience a unique experience.  This idea of providing a way for this to happen becomes incresingly interesting when thinking about Lyotards ideas of the artist as priest; there is something spiritual in making work, and in all probability in encountering it.  Is my purpose to communicate an idea, or to provide an opportunity?  Or do I choose to straddle these two, if in fact they are so different.....

I also went to a buddhist meditation class yesterday.  It was the most challenging of all the experiences so far, partly physically (I've never been able to sit on the floor for very long, and it took some time for my legs to become fully functional again afterwards) and mentally.  It is a practice which must take some time and commitment to allow ofr a breakthrough in your ability to focus and concentrate on what matters at that time in that situation.  We shall try again another time.

# 28 [27 April 2009]

A month yesterday.

Catalogue nearly finished, will be so relieved when it has gone; it looks damn fine.  I have really enjoyed the experience of making it, however seem to have been doing it so much that my own work has been neglected.  On top of that I have rep responsibilities this week, although it is the turn of others to go to the meeting.   I also have a tutorial tomorrow, yet haven't quite yet made anything to show.

I wonder if I've chosen the wrong space.  Is being on a showreel beneficial, or will the work potentially escape peoples view?  For the assesment it will work fantastically, as there is nowhere I can get the projection bigger (or use such a good projector), but I do wonder if I would have been better treating the work as an installation.  Plus I wonder if the others on the showreel might have an issue with a 40 minute work.  No spaces left for that though, unless I want an unpleasant 'fight' for one.  I'll leave that for others.

New idea though, and potentially it could look best on two plasma screens, although this might conjur up more of a Bill Viola thought than necessary (the oether work does the same with Michael Snow).  If I have time and get camera's and edit facilities for long enough, I think it will work out a much more interesting work, although research might need a little rejigging.  Plus, I'm getting to show the other work in Brighton (all being well), and under a title I might not have the guts to use here.  Will be interesting to see how that works out.

I've realised that it's not other peoples experiences that are the most interesting thing here,but mine.  The artist as pilgrim, on a journey.  A month or two ago I had a tutorial with David Blandy, and he suggested turning the camera on myself and filming my reactions to the interviews.  At the time I thought he was mad, but I now realise that he really hit the nail on the head.  This is my journey, and its taken me to some really interesting places.  A Quaker meeting, a Sikh meditation evening and this week a meeting with a few other young Muslim guys to pray and sing and burn incense.  THAT is interesting.  Me being there, making those connections and my experience of them.  I am going to hunt down other places such as this, Mass, Buddhist meditation classes, Yoga....

That's the thing, turning the camera on yourself, recording your experience.  It's amazing how the most obvious ideas can sit under your nose for so long without being seen.  The artist on his quest for truth, absolution, soul; answers to life.  I'm not sure what my question is yet.  I wonder if Bas Jan Ader did when he set sail.....

# 27 [19 April 2009]

Urgh.

Counting down the days.  Or perhaps I should be, there seems to be a lack of urgency in my practice.  Not sure if its relaxed (in a good way) or paralysed.

Partly because there seems to be so much to do.  We had deadlines for website and catalogue submissions this week.  Had to think about that quite alot, its a tough call what to put on your page, how to sum up your practice.  Mine will read:

The quest is essential
The doorway is key
The experience is waiting

I think it works quite well.  Understated, simple, requiring time and thought.  Yes, I am interested in the doorway (or threshold), the willingness and the artist's search or even pilgrimage fr something.  But what?  God?  Inner meaning?  Love?  Some answers?  Maybe its all of these.  I've once again battled with whether to include things which are too cathartic or laden with meaning only obvious to people who know me well (although they are very much accessible on other levels).  The question is how appropriate they are in reference to a situation I now consider to be well in my past, even if it is the recent past.  I've decided to save it all for the future, see if I can find another outlet for these ideas.  

So what do I produce?  I have some beautiful footage and have been sent a fantastic account of a visit to the border crossing between Israel and the West bank.  Its pertinent and ideal, however involves politics, and I'm not sure if I want to go there....

So, how to move forwards.  I will be testing an idea this week.  That will hopefully be useful.  Had a 'crisis' chat with my tutor this week to try and make sense of my internal confusion and to try and make sense of some ideas.  He liked them.  That surprised me.  The biggest lesson has been one thing he said;

Stop thinking about it so much.

Guess its time to make, and stop confusing myself.  Try and work out how to turn off the thought process and produce some work.  This may be my biggest battle - turning the theoretical considerations into something which communicates, something physical, some artwork.  After all, if I want to be an artist....

 Then we must atually produce the catalogue.  This is also giving me a headache....