ARTISTS TALKING

# 1 [5 January 2009]

I had hoped for Christmas to be refreshing time out and a chance to recharge my batteries, but instead it was mainly consumed by various different illnesses, and much scrabbling around to find the tissues.

So that over with, back to normality (kind of).

I have plans, a deadline, a performance piece and a few important decisions to make this month. I am waiting to find out more about the Margaret Harvey exhibition and when it might be and whether I can get any financial help. I also need to get my performance piece ready for the Surface Gallery exhibition taking place on the 6th February. This means a little white house to construct...more sewing!

The other plans remain top secret at the moment. I will reveal all later if they happen, I have always seemed to speak too soon and then when it doesn't end up happening feel a bit of a ninny. So I'm being a bit cautious for now.

I won't be getting in to the studio until Wednesday this week, I feel like I've been away so long. I almost expect to find a layer of dust over everything as I left in December.

# 2 [13 January 2009]

I was so relieved to be back in the studio last week. After about 2 weeks off doing Christmas stuff, it was wonderful to just get back to the normal routine. I feel I have many things to sort out at the moment. I have got to make decisions and organise and for some reason I’m finding that really difficult. I have built January up to be a month of change and focus but now it’s here I just seem to be trundling along getting things done just as slowly as always and avoiding the main issues.

I have been spending today repainting and refreshing the frame for my performance house. This slow and monotonous job is one that really seems to suit my mood right now. Wielding the paint brush around, splattering myself and my shoes with white paint, I kind of wondered away in my mind, following little day dreamy paths, reflecting and pondering.

Where am I at and where am I going? I am constantly shuffling and reshuffling my thoughts, the usual thoughts. I have just finished reading the book by Phillippe Petit ‘To Reach the Clouds’ about his coup to wire walk between the twin towers in the 70s. It is such a powerful tale, I can’t help but to feel affected by it and by him. I think about the things we do, the efforts made, for seemingly pointless feats. To stretch our human restraints, to feel connected to the world, to see a challenge out of being alive and to focus all fibre of self to that challenge. A need to experience but more importantly be experienced by others, inspires a man to over come all natural instincts. It is encouragement just to read it, all these years later and be able to feel no uncertainty to its value today, to what a gift it is feeling that it is the closest to being human you can get. I never would have thought the tale of a wire walker in the 70s could feel so relevant and precious to me. It is so wonderful to hear something that rings your head like a bell. I thoroughly recommend a read (or watch, as it is also a film)!

Anyway, in reality of today, I must get back to my jobs…. I must complete my house and I must keep those wheels turning.(Wire walker just kept a shadow in the back of my mind)

# 3 [19 January 2009]

I have been rotating around the studio from one task to another. I have been balancing my time between, building my performance tent for the Surface Gallery opening and working on new ideas and drawings. It’s a weird leap back and forwards from the remaking of something older and moving on to new unchartered territory. There is always that excitement of playing with new ideas but always more uncertainty and doubt. I can go from feeling elated that something seems to be igniting a spark, then a sudden drop down in to a low when it seems to do a U-turn and turn on me. There is much safety in making the tried and tested, which allows a little moment of emotional calm. I’m pleased to have a bit of both going on.

Aside from this, in the back of my mind is the rearing up of financial worry. My hours at work have been cut and it looks like drastic change is on the horizon. I’m clocking up the sums in my mind and they don’t seem to add up. (Hopefully that’s just my bad Maths!). Whatever, this extra worry is really distracting and unnerving. The balance between working and art has been working out so far, I guess this set up is just too good to last. I may just have to muddle my way through for a while and hope things even out eventually.

# 4 [26 January 2009]

I finished making the performance box for the Surface Gallery last week so I can now spend time this week working on the new things that I have been exploring on and off in between my sewing.  Well, saying that I have to sit at home tomorrow morning waiting to have my windscreen replaced. Car’s do have a tendency to give out little surprises when you least expect it. Thanks little fiesta! So I will have to get on with admin things for a few hours (always plenty to do in that area).

Last week we had a Trustees meeting and Jo presented our new DAT website. That should be online very shortly. It was a fairly positive meeting with lots of people turning out. We will hopefully have a new Trustee soon, an artist who also works for the University who came along as an observer, with the possibility of getting involved. This could be really beneficial to the progress of the DAT and bringing it a bit more up to date. Many of our current trustees are to say the least ‘getting on a bit’ and don’t seem to have the innovation to help us develop the reputation of the Trust as a dynamic and progressive group dealing with current debates in the contemporary art world. After discussing with a few other Fellows, most feel this new Trustee would be a positive move, but there is a deal of wariness of getting too closely linked with the University and not maintaining the Trust’s independence. I do believe there are real benefits and negatives to strong links with University of Hertfordshire but I’m sure a balance can be met. After all most of us are past graduates of the University and therefore will always be linked to it.  

Next Sunday I’m travelling up to Nottingham to deliver my performance…house, box, thing. (I never really know what to call it, suggestions on a postcard please?!)

Excitement, fear, anxiety – all building. They have put up the information on their website now. Seeing it there in black and white with a date and a time made me clench up and want to skip and dance (what is that all about?!)

# 5 [4 February 2009]

Managed to get my stuff delivered to Nottingham on Sunday before snow seemed to bring all to a stand still! There was a particularly hairy moment but not from any weather force. My box ended up being about 2 inches too wide for the door of the gallery. After some teasing and panicy pushing and pulling, it popped through. Phew! So it's there and I'm here. (Hoping weather permits me to get back up to it again on Friday otherwise it could end up being a very disappointing performance)

I'm now back in the studio and attempting to carry on with other things... picking up ongoing ideas and trying to keep the making flow going.  Apart from that nothing exciting to write about at the moment. It definatley feels like a funny period for me. I feel very inbetween.

# 6 [9 February 2009]

It was a bit touch and go on Friday as I sat staring out into the thick blanket of snow that was building fast and filling the whole village around our house, whilst at the same time the radio blared at me… ‘serious weather warnings throughout the south east, people are advised not to travel and Luton Council are advising people DO NOT travel into Luton’. So our options were getting less and less. Train to Nottingham….but can’t get to Luton to catch it….drive to Nottingham….will we even get out of the village? We even contemplated walking along the dual carriage way into Luton to the train station, until we realised this would take hours! In the end with spade, food and woollies we decided to just try our luck in the car and see how far we could get before skidding into a ditch or getting stuck for three hours behind a lorry. With the help of a neighbour we got ourselves out of the drive after that to my huge relief we crawled out of the village at a snails pace and then on reaching the A1 were freed and on our way.

Everything after that seemed to just slot in to place. We made it to Nottingham in perfect time, checked into the hotel, called Jo to see if she too had made it through the weather and sure enough she arrived about an hour after us. So we all set off for the Surface Gallery.

Because of all the stress and worry of just getting myself there I had had no time to get worked up about performing. I had about two minutes as I stood apprehensively kitted out in my suit were my nerves started to show, babbling nonsense. As soon as I started the drawing though I felt the adrenaline kick in. I couldn’t even feel the cold of the unheated gallery. I was in my space and knew my role. Once again I observed the interactions that came and went as I observed and traced. There was curiosity mainly I think, to what I sat silently doing. Some people braver than others and able to play with the piece, while more timid ones stood back and tried to observe without being observed, moving away when they caught themselves appearing.

I drew for two and a half hours and climbed out at 8.30pm blurry eyed but elated. I really think people were fascinated by the piece, and having peoples attention for that time felt amazing. I think you can never tell how something is going to sit in a particular place with a particular audience, but this time it worked well. I’ve come away now mulling over and trying to digest the feelings that the experience gave me. It has given me so much to think about.

# 7 [19 February 2009]

I had my first meeting about the solo exhibition I was awarded from Margaret Harvey open last year. It went really well I think, but made me realise it’s not that far away and I need to get myself organised. I need to have a rough outlined proposal by 2^nd March. This shouldn’t be a problem but always this part of decision making seems to be the hardest bit for me. All these possibilities! We discussed what my options are and they are pretty open. I am free to experiment, free to make new work, free to perform and free to work in the space for the duration of the exhibition. On one side this feels me with bubbly excitement, but on the reverse it feels a bit like I’m balancing on the side of a cliff without railings. Sometimes restrictions and rules can be quite a comfort. I want to use this opportunity to its full potential but this thinking creates even more pressure. I’m sure there will be a few episodes of waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat on the horizon.

One thing that is a huge relief this time is the extra support that I will be getting, a technician to help me make things and an experienced curator to give me advice. After the stress and worry that came from doing the Red Gate exhibition last year it was a massive relief to hear that although it’s mine to plan, I will have a team to help me do it. Phew!

So now my mind is on over drive, mulling over the possibilities of the space. My practice seems to be growing into many different areas and mediums, with many different lines of enquiry. This has meant that there is probably a danger of trying to do too much or to confuse the space. I think it is vital to be very thoughtful when I make my decisions about the area I am going to focus on. This will be a very good opportunity to contemplate my practice and really focus on what it is about and where it may lead from this point. I hope that like the Red Gate was, it will be an opportunity that sparks further movement in my exploration and greater understanding of how my work is developing.  

# 8 [23 February 2009]

I picked up my piece from the Surface Gallery yesterday. I always sense there is a strange feeling hanging in the air when taking down work at the end of a show. I'm not down about it as such but heavy and quietly contemplating. I had been on such a high when I was doing my performance; it was so immediate and spontaneous, now it feels strange to just be looking at a memory. Time moves on and work comes down... 

But I have been excited to spend time looking over the drawings I have made. They seem to tell tales about the evening but also make up their own too. To me each outline represents a moment of contact with a viewer that felt at the time intimate, distant and strange all simultaneously. It was such a strange form of muted contact with another person and made me feel like someone else. I guess it gave me certain control of the situation although restricted my ability to be a part of the scene. I sat separate and anonymous, sometimes ignored, sometimes provoking intrigue, placed right in the centre of the room but contained in a separate space. I'm not sure how the drawings work out of their original context but there is something I really like. Maybe I'm just so deeply involved with the process? I love it when a piece of work surprises and opens up another trail to follow.   

# 9 [16 March 2009]

I’ve fallen on to page four of the blog pages… that doesn’t give a sense of keeping it going that I’d like to have at the moment. The reason I haven’t written is because I knew I would have hardly anything to say since the central thing going on for me over the last two months, I haven’t allowed myself to tell anyone about. (In the hope of reducing any pressure or expectation of me, to which I have discovered didn’t make a snitch of a difference to the experience as the worst culprit in my life of placing pressure on me is… surprise, surprise…ME!

Since Christmas I made the decision that I would apply to do an MA. To cut a very long drawn out episode short… I applied to Wimbledon to do their Fine Art Drawing MA, went for an interview and after two weeks of convincing myself that the interview went terribly, got accepted. Yay!

That little ‘yay’ really does mean a lot. I have been thinking about doing an MA for a long time and have felt so ready to do it and have wanted to do it at Wimbledon with a passionate feeling that it is the right course and place for me. The agony of thinking I had screwed up a little interview and blown my opportunity was quite a kick and a wobble. After almost literally biting the post woman’s hand off everyday for the last two weeks it came last Friday, by which time my nerves were wrecked and I was laid up in bed with the worst stomach bug I’ve had since I was a kid and could barely be bothered to crawl down the stairs half an hour after I originally heard the letterbox flutter so innocently. So there it was in writing ‘unconditional offer’ wonderrrrfulllll!

So now I’m almost upright again and starting to whistle a happy tune as I start to contemplate new and exciting challenges and influences that will be coming my way.

The only thing I now need to wait for is to find out whether I can get funding for it. I should find this out by May. I got my application in early so that I could be considered for the Arts and Humanities Research Council funding and since Wimbledon have been awarded the block funding from them, I now have to wait on Wimbledon’s decision on who they will be awarding their Studentships to. If I don’t get this funding….. um…. I’m not sure really…. grow money in the back garden?? Then will come the dilemma.

# 10 [23 March 2009]

Slowly getting back to normal routine this week thankfully. 

Last Friday I went along to the launch of Escalator held at the Wysing Arts Centre. Provided with name badge on arrival the day began with a ‘mingle’ and then we were seated in lecture style. (I got quite excited about being in this formal position of receiving information that I haven’t been in for such a while). I felt very student-like.

The overall focus of the presentation was to debate what do artists do? And what do artists want?- in order to explore how best to run the escalator project. With a room full of mainly artists and some curators from across the region, there were plenty of different opinions flying around. By the time we had been stimulated and loosened up by a controversial project by the artist Phyllida Barlow and involved in an interactive performance by artists Charlotte Thrane and Maria Zahle, we were left with lots of ideas to discuss over our lunch. Practically we seemed to all need the obvious things but more broadly speaking the issues where much more of a debate. I felt that as the day went on it became really apparent to me that the whole experience of ‘being there’ debating and discussing in this manner is exactly what most of us want. We all want time and space, money to produce, support and advice but this discussion process and link to peers, feels so important. Phyllida threw in a red rag and it was fresh and unusual and got our cogs turning. It is very important for an artist to feel they have a presence within these wider debates and to see their own concerns in relation to others. I feel it allowed me to gain a bit of perspective on my own situation and really consider these questions.

One thing that came up that I did find intriguing was this focus on location. All being from the East, some artists felt their location to be a significant factor in their identity as an artist. Suddenly I was being called a regional artist but I don’t know what this means to me. I don’t think I’ve given it much thought before. London reared itself up in conversations like a big monster; a vacuum that drew everything into it and threatened the identity of ‘regional’ artists, even it was suggested looked down on us. Really? Must we get defensive about our location? Do we have to defend ourselves and our identities against the hip and trendy of London? I have never felt living in the East defines me as an artist. It has been helpful living so close to London but I don’t feel that I must go there to be taken seriously or alternatively that I should reject it, just being an artist is enough definition for me. It did get me thinking about these issues of place though.