ARTISTS TALKING

# 21 [25 May 2009]

Wow, this has been really helpful. Ok, so I haven’t solved my financial problem, but the discussion and advice has been very valuable and much appreciated, the generosity of other artists and their desire to offer advice and support leaves me with a warm fuzzy feeling inside, I’m finding myself wanting to say - you guys! and jab my computer screen with an affectionate style punch - weird! Seriously though, it has got me considering and re-evaluating how I originally (before all the issue of money came into it) came to the decision that an MA was best for me.

There is nothing like lack of money to give you a wake up call to the real world. Things cost money, living costs money (duh) and most significantly for my practice, progress costs money! The relevance of cost to my decision making has been miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Generally, I am a person who finds it hard to consider money, either accumulating it or parting with it. Someone mentions selling, costs, income, anything money related and I have this strange reaction with eyes glazing over and involuntary yawning. This, I think is why sometimes it bites me back so hard. Suddenly I find it has the authority over a situation so important to me and my delusional state of mind that I am hardly influenced by it, that there will always be a way round it, is shattered by a sudden hard to swallow dose of reality. I suddenly realise that my avoidance tactics is just plain irresponsible. I have to consider how my practice is going to become more sustainable, I am failing myself by not facing up to how the real world works.     

But I can’t at the moment, start beating myself up over this failing. It is pretty irrelevant to my situation now. Hopefully these kinds of problems can be considered and tackled when I am on the MA. The main point now is that I have decided that one way or another I am getting my arse on that course! It is the right step for me now and I want it.

# 22 [2 June 2009]

I’ve managed to get some good time in the studio over the last week or so and this week hopefully is going to be a good one too for getting things done. On one hand there is the fear that the over time I’m promised at work won’t materialise or alternatively it does and will leave me no time to get all the pieces finished for the exhibition. For now though I have time to get on with the art work so I’m keeping hard at it.

Probably the most interesting thing I did last week was go to the BCA to see Alex Pearl’s exhibition. Right on the high street, opposite the hustle and bustle of Bedford’s Saturday market was the understated and wonderfully endearing world of Pearl. Through reading his blog I felt I had had a little feel for the humorous look at his own sense of failure and anti-climax. The exhibition was to me a wonderful celebration of our limitations and disappointments and one I feel I can really identify with…. the not quite brave enough. It was such a mix of playful, pathetic, witty, with an underlying sense of some pitiful disappointment. They had an interview with Alex; it was completely fascinating, having read his blog for a while, following his many humorous stories of the blunders and embarrassments, to see him (that sounds a bit stalker-ish), but listening to the interview its hard to differentiate between the work and the person, (not that he’s pitifully disappointing) but the work is so him or maybe it’s just so us, so real life, and acceptant and reflective of something we try to avoid and mask so much, the failure. I was so glad to have seen it. Thanks Alex!   

# 23 [7 June 2009]

Life at the moment is a lot of just getting on with it; getting on with the sewing, getting on with the soldering, getting on with the traces, getting on with the decision making. It’s all turned in to the very practical period of doing. ‘Doing’ is boring to comment on; ‘doing’ is a happy, safe, comforting, friendly place. My fingers are occupied so my brain can mull but just float on that surface and gently feel the passing of time.  ‘Doing’ makes me feel like a worker, a noble grafter with purpose, even if the job is just sewing a length of material or constructing a mini wire door. Let me just hum and do, just occasionally branding myself with the hot solder iron and slowly scratching away the ends of my fingers with jagged wire and needles.

Sometimes it really feels that the action is where the sense lies; it is the core, where my practice lives, it’s the friendly face, where things are more in harmony with my being, more mellow. It’s the calm in my head, in between the searching out and the making sense, away from the eyes and thoughts of others. It’s the eye of my storm. Quiet and deceptively simple.     

# 24 [14 June 2009]

I never thought I would be so delighted at the prospect of a 7 day week at work, that’s earning work rather than art work, but next week I’m even enthused and a little excited about the prospect of a bit of customer service. You lucky public! Each day I’m going to hear that imaginary MA fees savings tin - chink, chink and will be smiling.

Ok, so it’s a bitter sweet blessing, as of course no time in the studio, but right now getting my savings together for the long term is much more pressing. I knew this summer was going to be a write off for both studio work and any chance of getting out enjoying the sun…that’s fine. It’s not forever.

Luckily I think I’m pretty organised for the exhibition in July and the time off for setting up is all arranged. Dee from the Hertford Studios text to say the studios are well on their way to being complete in a few weeks and enrolment info from Wimbledon has come through.

I’m feeling positive again, yay!

# 25 [19 June 2009]

Oh dear. There's been a bit of a blunder.... and I'm not completely blameless. Tuesday night I happened to look again at the invite to my exhibition and almost instantly I noticed an error with the spelling of my surname within the text, twice! Cue cold sweats, buzzing ears and a sudden sickening to the belly. This is the proof copy which I agreed to. I did a Usain Bolt to the telephone eager for Amisha to calm me by telling me casually that there was nothing to worry about, they had noticed it and all was well.

This however, did not happen. What I got was an email the following day:

 'Unfortunately, once the sign off has been received from the artist invite goes to print. I have had a look at the invite and although the the surname is incorrect in the text, it is correct in the main title line. It is not ideal but the proof was widely circulated and also approved by you. I am sorry about this regrettably we are unable to reprint the invite due to budget restraints.'

(notice typo!)

I consequently stewed over it for a few days trying to decide what to do, whether I could let it be, get out my Tippex, or call the whole thing off!

So now a kind of calm has restored itself to my mind. I feel I have no choice but to give it all up.....

Well maybe that is a little extreme;

Instead, I'm going to just pay to get them reprinted, but what a bummer. The most amazing thing was having a gallery pay for this kind of stuff and through stupid carelessness and taking others judgement for granted, I now have to start paying out again. What a wally Christina 'Byrant', 'Byryant'!

That lesson can at least be ticked off the list of things to learn, I guess. Look to the positives.  

Always be thorough in checking the proof. (especially with those vital details like NAME!)

Check

# 26 [30 June 2009]

I did write a post on Sunday, let it sit on my computer for a few days and then re-read it today and instantly decided I clearly could not post it.

Last week was a bit of a come down after the illusion I was under the other week that things were moving forward. It does seem to work that way I’ve noticed. A few good weeks, a run of excitement and positive feelings then….crash!

Last week was a crash, bang, wallop. After finding out about the invites and the mistake (which I think I did take quite well) things got frustrating. The gallery didn’t appear to be helping me out at all, in fact they seemed to be largely detached from my concern, resistant…maybe even defensive? All I wanted was the file and to get it re-printed but everything that should have been simple, got complicated and I felt I was running around chasing my tail. (Accept I don’t have a tail and was in fact just chasing my arse….clearly a lot less fun)

Without going on too much, I got more and more stressed and then had a fuck it! moment - I’m not taking on the cost of their mistake. If they are willing to let it go out with errors then who am I to fight to change it. I was sat looking at this invite splashed with all their logos and just couldn’t fathom in the end why I was trying so desperately hard, on my own, to make it right. I have been working away for months on the work for the show. Financially, I am being squeezed and bent from all directions, something is going to burst. I don’t want it to be my head, so I’m backing off from this problem now and focusing back on my responsibilities, the work!

There’s more to tell regarding the Hertford studios but I’ll just have to save that treat for another day. It’s just one piece of bollocks after another here!

But hey ho I’m still smiling…..or maybe it’s morphing more into a painful grimace. Isn’t art fun!

# 27 [7 July 2009]

Daylight…working

Late night… sewing

(and that’s about it for this week)

Off on holiday to Devon next week. Can’t wait for the break, really hoping the weather stays good!  

Will be returning with only a week until the exhibition goes up. Getting just a little bit wobbly about everything. The worries and doubts are trying to find a way in, hopefully I can hold them off until after my holiday. Not sure I would of scheduled the holiday at quite this time had I known when we booked, but maybe it is a bit of a blessing in disguise... some relaxing time out.

# 28 [21 July 2009]

Mmmm, the holiday was a welcomed break. I couldn’t completely switch off from the general feeling of impending doom deep in my gut but did occasionally drift away and forget myself and the tension. We hardly even mentioned the words…art, ma, exhibition, savings, invite or anything like these reoccurring themes that usually dominate. Instead we often found ourselves whimsically commenting with a bit of a sigh ‘Oh, bit grey today’ ‘Looks like rain again’ and 'shall we take a walk on the beach' Oh, to be a semi-relaxed person for a week.

It’s rather strange, I’ve been back 4 days and am yet to go to the studio.(have been back at work everyday since) Mark is coming to collect the work on Thursday and I feel so far away from it all that I can’t really remember if everything is ready. I appear to quite unconsciously have fallen out of gear. This has therefore led to the result of sleepless nights. My days are in auto pilot and my nights are in- ‘lets go over everything 10 times’.  I will be glad to just get going with it all now. I have that usual mixture of child-like excitement and adult-like pressure that seems to build up just before an exhibition. Knowing that I have to build it all in the 4 days next week and perform on the opening night makes me feel a little bit dizzy about the week, but the thrill of having this space to show in is frantically bouncing around inside my chest. It is all a strange mix of emotions.

So down to the studio tomorrow to assess the situation, oh and hopefully catch up with the other Fellows who probably think I have disappeared.       

# 29 [25 July 2009]

Work has been packed up and transported away from the nice cosy studio space that it knows so well and left to grow more accustomed to it’s new home ‘the gallery’. I went along for the first trip over to help unload at the other end and have a nose at the gallery now it’s been set up in position ready for me to install. My initial thought as soon as I walked in….. ‘Shit, this space is big!’ I’ve seen it many times before, but never empty… wow the shock of emptiness!

There was my little pile of bits and pieces whimpering discreetly in the corner, looking at me with pleading (take me home) eyes, almost shrinking and cowering at these huge bare white walls. I wanted to give it a bloody good shake and demand that it ‘grow some balls and stop being so pathetic!’ On Monday we are going to have to take on this space and take charge. So it’s got a few days to settle.

Settling seems to be something I myself am struggling with. Friday was a gap in my schedule and a day to just potter, get a few last bits and relax. I might of felt the benefits if I could just get a proper night sleep. I can’t switch off and am annoying myself as I toss and turn and huff and puff into the early hours. I don’t even feel particularly nervous or worried, just excited. But the more nights that pass without a decent rest the more hysterical I am liable to get…someone give me a bloody good shake and tell me to grow some balls!

Well, tonight is a new night so fingers crossed for the sleep fairy to bring me a nice present.

# 30 [26 July 2009]

 continued.....

In terms of how to see myself moving closer to a more sustainable practice, financially, I want to learn more about how to balance it. I find so far looking to other artists that I really admire (not just at their work but how they conduct themselves) gives me some guidance. The a-n blogs have really helped me gain access to what others are doing at ground level. I also often look at other artists C.V and get a feel for what decisions they have made to get where they are.

Mainly I am concentrating on just trying to get on with it, in the way I know how- a little bit of feeling my way in the dark, a little bit trying to pick things up as I go, and a little bit of what feels right. I don’t know if this is an answer to Andrew’s question but it’s the best I can do at this stage. I don’t think I have found my practice for the long term, I’ve just found how it works best for me for now.