ARTISTS TALKING

# 1 [11 September 2009]

Well, its been 4 days since i loaded up the car and drove the 5 hour journey to York. Since then its been a whirlwind of meetings, inductions, film club, meeting the students and being introduced to far too many people to remember...

I've only just got round to painting my part of the studio and intend to organise the rest tomorrow after the much anticipated carboot sale (i've been told theyre the best up here...)

I've attended my first Quaker meeting (more on that later) and i've been stunned by the talent of the A-level students.

I'm keen to get on with my work - i have a few projects in mind - but for now its too hectic...

# 2 [12 September 2009]

Well, i attended my first northern carboot this morning, and certainly didnt allow myself enough time. The sellers filled the race course fields and i couldnt believe what was on offer - i could have spent the day there. I finally bought a letter tray - something i have been eying up for nearly 2 years but was always over £20 in lonodn - got mine today for £3. Nice. Add to that a cobblers last and hammer,  a beautiful woolen blanket, a 20s map of england, some books, 2 jumpers, a smock and a vest, a bag of broken jewelery, an emamel Beatles poster and an antique clock face amongst other things, all for no more than £18. I didnt even get around the whole site as i had to head back for lunch and duty. But with 2 left before it ends for the year, i'll deinately put it into my diary to go again. Next time i will try to be a bit more focused and get stuff i really need.

As part of my residency i'll be running activities for the students - textiles, sculpture and experimental jewellery, as well as horse riding, film nights and cookery classes...! I need to sit down and think about how to start these as i have no way of predicting numbers and ages. These pupils seem to work best without too much forced instruction, which is nce and should work well with all i have researched in the past couple of months about Froebel (knowledge through play - see my other blog...)

I'm also starting a life drawing class, and have already had over 20 students sign up. I think i'll have to run another. I'm impress how keen they seem to be - i was always terrified of life drawing! Luckily, a visiting tutor at the RCA reinspired me and i hope to use some of his techniques for my classes. 20 is definately far too many for one class though. WHen my duty finishes, i'll be heading to the studio to get my stuff in. The estates team and porters, as wella s the art department staff have been surpridingly supportive of my desire for "stuff" and have helped me out with the bits and pieces i have found and desired within the campus sheds.... beautiful things....

# 3 [14 September 2009]

Well, yesterday i attended my second ever Quaker meeting. The community in which i am now resident is Quaker and i feel that attending their meetings will help me to understand their beliefs and ethos. I have to admit to a certain amount of claustrophobia, especially within busy rooms. Its more to do with a huge amount of self awareness and my presence within a group of people. In the meetings, we must remain silent for half an hour, and i swear my heart is beating madly the whole time. I'm sure that as time goes on and i get more used to the environment and become comfortable with the other people present, i will start to relax and get more from what should be a meditative experience.

Considering most of my recent work has been addressing the subject of silence and a need for more quiet in our lives, i feel quite strange that i am now reacting in this way. The difference between quiet aloneness and a public silence is quite exteme and the feelings each induces are so contrasting, for me anyway.

I also attended my first ever street party - our little street was filled with tables adorned with a huge banquet contributed to by many residents, and it was lovely to find such a friendly and sociable street - during my 5 years in London, i talked to maybe 2 neighbours. Is it a northern thing or just coincidence? I got talking to one guy who workshops digital storytelling - its sounds perfect for an activity with the kids, and he's definatley up for it. Great networking, and good cake.

# 4 [14 September 2009]

Well, i still havent started any work. I've finally gone through the boxes of stuff i brought from my last studio, and unpacked what i feel it is safe to.... i'm liking my corner now and its starting to feel more like home. However, i still dont feel settled enough to get cracking on a project. I still have bits and pieces to sort and little routine in which to get going. I must be careful not to leave it too long....

# 5 [20 September 2009]

Well, things are going really well up here in York. I'm still yet to start making some actual physical work but i feel that having a break is just as important. Some ideas are beginning to creep up on me so i'm not panicing too much. My studio space is filling up and looks a little bit more like home. A few students have moved in and established their own little spaces so theres more of a vibe about the place. I'm still a little scared of them all, but i'm sure in time i will get used to being surrounded by so many children! Its the noise that really hits you - its rather draining!

Today i took advantage of the great weather and after a leisurely school brunch headed into town to buy a few bits and pieces for my activities next week - i ended up in the minster park dozing with a book. Spent the afternoon on a wonderful 6 mile (at least) walk into the yorkshire countryside, following the river out of town. It was heavenly. Picked blackberries and went hunting for the perfect conker, we returned to school just in time for tea and an offering of fresh warm apple crumble. Couldnt have been a better day. Add to the mix my horse riding on friday and several explorations of the town, late night basketball and another fruitful carboot, things are going pretty well up here. I have to admit i was a little nervous about leaving london, cutting myself off from it all and becoming less submerged in a professional environment. However, what i've found so far is a totally different kind of inspiration - some breathing space and i've got real admiration for the talent and dedication of the students here doing their a-levels and gcse's.

Tomorrow i think i will be covering for one of the teachers, taking 2 a-level classes and a group of year 8s. I should be just what i need to get stuck in - being thrown in at the deep end is sometimes for the best!

Today i'm planning my life drawing classes - i'm starting with a taster session for the a-level students on wednesday and continuing with a 9 week course after that. I'm quite terrified but excited nonetheless. I'm combining techniques from various classes i attended at the RCA, and hope to shake it up a bit...

# 6 [6 October 2009]

Well, i still havent started any work. Not really. I'm getting really quite restless now that ive started to settle in up here in York. However, this may be because i've had flu for a week...

I found an ancient sewing machine in the cupboard under the stairs and have dragged it out into the dining room, so think i will just have to start anything in order to get me moving again. While i was bed bound, i tried to find my knitting needles but they must be in that bag that went missing in the move... grrr. Also in the bag is the paper i need for the book i've been making, for which i now have the beautiful stamps.

I visited the local college yesterday and i was stunned by the facilities. A huge metal workshop, studios, jewellery benches, sonecarving, sandblasters, forges, hammers and so much more. I think whats happened is that i've realised im most copmfortable within a workshop environment. The studio at the school is great but i'm going to have to get into the DT department. Or maybe i'm just making excuses for my laziness.

Either way, time is ticking...

# 7 [13 October 2009]

Well, it turns out the sewing machine was bust. But lots of other things have been working out. My creativity has been showing itself in far too much cake-baking, but on my quest to find the best gluten free treats i've decided to bake something new each week for the near future. Its going rather well so far, and seems to be a popular decision.

I've also opened my sketchbook. And put pencil to page. Finally. And it felt good. Didnt look great but was highly satisfying. And inspiration is coming back to me.

I visited Yorkshire Sculpture Park with a guy from the RCA on sunday and iit was great, not only to be out in the countryside, looking at "art", but also to have a chat about work and life after the college with someone a few years ahead of me.  He gave me some much needed encouragement and a generally positive outlook. It gave me a push and i had decided that monday would be a productive day in the studio. WIth the morning sun shining through the window into my bedroom as i woke up, however, it was easy enought to blow the whole day off and head to Almscliff in the van. Spent the morning bouldering and being challenged to climb up the narrowest cracks up the rocks we could possibly find. Let off some steam and felt so free up on the cragg with the stunning views. After a picnic and flask of green tea, i pulled out my sketchbook and the magic happened. Hooray!

And i've been thinking about the potential a certain empty school building has for an exhibition... alongside a community theatre project i'm designing for... my head is getting busy again and it feels so good. I just need to start getting it all down on paper and refined. I knew it would happen - i just had to let it come naturally!

More news tomorrow.....

# 8 [1 December 2009]

Well, i've been awfully rubbish at blogging. I know. But i've been so busy....

I finally got round to making some work, although i haven't been able to finish the big projects that are on the list. I'm curating the staff art exhibition currently, so thats keeping me busy - its really interesting seeing what the other staff members, both within the art department, and throughout the rest of the school, are producing in their spare time. There really is some stunning work... i'm feeling the pressure as resident artist!

Life in school is still enjoyable although i'm getting so involved that i'm finding it hard to get on with my own projects. Living on site means that i'm always around to help out with one thing or another, and its so nice to be talking to the students about their work.

Went on a textiles course this weekend, as the department are keen to get me sorting out a 3D and textiles specialism... the course was help at Yorkshire Sculpture Park, so a great location - just a shame it rained the whole time. Got an opportunity to look through the Bretton Hall archives for art education though and they were really interesting. The weekend was split into 2 - constructed "textiles" on one day and manipulated fabric through stitch on the second. I enjoyed this one far more, and although the course was good from a teachers point of view, i felt it inspired me personally less as an artist. But that wasn't the point i suppose! I have some interesting activities and projects up my sleeve now.

I know i should have expected it, coming to work in a school, but i really have fallen into the teaching trap. Not unhappily i should add, but a little tentative. I've started a PGCE part-time, as i found that even trying to get part time work in the local university was impossible without one - new regulations so a necessary qualification. Part time teaching while continuing my practice is my intention, though possibly not a secondary level - i'd far rather be in a workshop with 3D students, not that i don't enjoy what i'm currently doing...  I've been covering quite a few lessons due to sickness in the department, and although GCSE and A-Level are fine, i found some of the lower years quite challenging. 

One thing this textiles course allowed me to do is talk to a group of art teachers with various backgrounds and experiences in a variety of schools. Some of the stories were quite scary, but i realised that i really must ensure my own practice is a priority, and that i should not take on anything full time in a permanent way. I am a maker and a teacher on the side. I am. My new years resolution will be to lock myself away for at least a solid day a week...

# 9 [25 January 2010]

Well, I'm writing this on the train back up north after a buzzing weekend in London. It’s only the second time I've been back since I moved away in September. Last time I couldn't wait to be back on that train, and was cursing the crowded, manic city. But this time I came with an open mind, a huge list of places to go, people to see and galleries to visit, a compression of culture that I felt I lacked at times in York. So its been a crazy couple of days, I managed to get to the V&A (Decode was such a disappointment), the Serpentine, the NHM and its new Darwin wing, caught up with the RCA people, discovered the brilliant "Museum of Everything' - well worth a visit, the Estorick Collections 'action in image', wandered the ICA, Andy Holden at Tate Britain AND parts of Tate Modern, Camden Arts Centre and I even climbed all 311 steps of Monument for a lovely view of the city. And that’s just the start.

I was beginning to feel as though I was sinking into a dreadfully depressing career crisis, doubting myself, my future etc. But talking it through today with an old friend (just one of the many who also seem to be entering their own career crises) made me realise a few things. Perseverance without desperation is the key, and its certainly too early to give up or sell out. I enjoy making more than anything in the world - the ideas are there, it’s just up to me to make them materialise. I have to sort out my priorities, but also bear in mind that there’s no huge rush. I have to stop comparing myself to my peers and take things as they come. I'm so lucky where I am at the moment, the enjoyment I get from being here, and I should savour the moment. I have 2 exhibitions coming up and so I am still officially an artist. I am. The easy bit is the ideas, the tricky bit is the making it happen. But I can do it. And I don't, I’m sure I will still have enjoyed the process. 

Famous artists, established and 'successful', know that whatever they make will be exhibited. It’s the ones who work away at home, producing pieces, or just stuff, who probably get the most enjoyment from it. 

No more work with precious metals for me right now though. Credit crunch creation only for a while.

# 10 [22 April 2010]

Its been months now. Well, i've baked bread, sewn a new dress, cooked dinner a few times, A smatter of creation, construction, but not quite the same. No physical, permanent release of emotion, energy, expression.

Whats wrong with me? My hands ache for the feel of the material. The cold metal, the warm wax, heavy hammer. My pores cry out for the connection that will ultimately hurt them. I feel anxious, agitated,. Something is brewing inside me and i need to facilitate its escape. Only part of me is resisting. Why? Is it fear? The fear of judgment, of failure. Fear of the words "waste of time" "whats the point". Of misunderstanding and nonplussed bemusement. Surely there are more worthwhile things to be done. Cleaning out the cupboard under the stairs, going to the cinema, picking up some bread.

Its all on me. Its my choice. Soon the energy inside me will reach a limit and i will have no choice but to succumb to it. Take my tools from their box, open the tightly sealed, cold packets and lay it all out in front of me.

A pause. The first awkward touch, before familiarity takes hold. Like coming home. Suddenly all conscious thought is needless, only hands speak now.