ARTISTS TALKING

# 25 [29 August 2010]

Well, I am through the hospital part of the treatment for now. For now is a kind of nagging thought that will accompany me for a while but anyhow I have been drawing again.

Time probably to start another blog with a new focus.

# 24 [29 July 2010]

It has been all go with DAD stuff. Our film project is effectively a large-scale community project as well as a film. We had about 200 people at a reunion event for former employees of the paper mill, an event which is also part of the film. It was hugely emotional for many of the people there as they caught up with colleagues they hadn't seen for as many as 50 years in some cases.

We also ran a weekend film workshop for young disabled filmmakers, which resulted in 6 3-minute films, and screened artists' films in Dover's Grand Shaft.

So, unsurprisingly, I've not done much studio practice. I think though, rather than present the DAD work and the studio practice as being in conflict - it's more interesting to see both activities as different aspects of practice.

# 23 [12 July 2010]

Went to see the Agnes Martin show at Kettles Yard on Saturday. It was wonderful to step out of the heat into the gallery and enjoy the faded colours; the bands of paint which the pencil lines cannot quite contain; little seepages of thin paint cross the line of the pencil mark - betrayals of emotion leaking out.

Driving home the sky was a hazy pale blue divided by a band of endless white cloud; I felt I was driving into one of her paintings.

# 22 [6 July 2010]

As Rob says, my health does impact on my work but nonetheless I managed to write a whole paper on autobiography without once mentioning anything to do with health! Although autobiography or the personal can't help but be in one's work, I try to keep the direct link to health at arms length. Partly I think this is because although I don't think artwork can be reduced to autobiography, because it is always more than that, there is a risk of reduction because some viewers look no further. Hence sometimes the need not to be too focused on content. My paper ended up being more about the importance of the viewer's autobiography in constituting subjectivity and the viewer's experience of the artwork. The problem of reduction applies not only to autobiography, of course, but to any reading of the content of a piece.

# 21 [2 July 2010]

i was at Marine Studios in Margate for their First Friday event, which on this occasion was about natural navigation, - navigating without maps basically and reading the natural world for signs - where I bumped into Rob Turner of "A walk with Cosmo" fame. We chatted a bit about dogs, of course, and then he said he thought my blog was a bit light. It's quite interesting that and I suppose I've tried to keep these posts related to studio practice and since I haven't really done alot of studio practice there's not been much to write.

One of the first things I did when diagnosed was get my hair cut short in preparation for losing it all - and I mean all. I also decided I'd dress my way through it so tried to be stylish - got some nice hats - and got some outfits together, which isn't to say there weren't days of staying in and wearing the most depressing of tracksuits. Days of not doing anything much except sleep, but it was days not weeks, so I've been lucky. Everyone has said how well I've looked, all the way through; maybe it's true but in some photos I definitely look ill and I definitely have been ill. Got some passport photos done yesterday in one of those booths and the result was pretty ghastly.

As I'm someone who lives very much in my head, I've just kept working - DAD stuff and my thesis which was a great chance to experiment with personal criticism: writing that weaves the personal into the theoretical. With that as with this blog, I've had to think about the issue of boundaries and limits: what do I choose to reveal, disclose, make public? What do I keep private? What is relevant in terms of my practice?

The body places limits: fatigue, stiffness, lack of strength, pain, all conspire to frustrate desire, ambition, plans. Drawing for me is where the body can be acknowledged in a non-heady way. My impossible heaps of lines are kind of growths and the final shape emerges as I draw; I think the process is close to the genesis that Klee refers to: "The work of art too is first of all, genesis: it is never experienced purely as result."

This drawing is breast-like though I did not design it in advance to be like that. However, I quite like the fact that it is.

# 20 [16 June 2010]

Back from hospital after my operation. Was lucky to have a room to myself and free TV. Don't know what I did to deserve it but anyhow it meant I watched too much TV, although by the last day I'd had enough and read all of Brief Lives instead.

So home and back to work. Submitted a funding bid yesterday to Screen South. They have a good system of a panel to discuss the bid with you and in this case give some advice on tweaking it in time for the final decision-making panel. I tweaked it as they suggested but didn't reduce the budget as much as they wanted. Just feel they ask alot for their money. If we don't get enough to run the project, we won't do it.

Submitting another bid tomorrow for "New Recipes" funding from the Kent Arts Development Unit. Won't hear until end July whether successful.

In the meantime we - that's DAD - have interest from Saga in our Watermark project. We suggested that not only the former Buckland Mill employees but also we fall within their target population!

Still working on defining my practice, especially with the thesis behind me. Did this drawing today - very much work in progress. I'm thinking of working with text too.

# 19 [31 May 2010]

So nice to get a comment from Becky Hunter. Makes me feel connected.

I haven't written much in this blog about how I've managed to keep busy. I got distracted by Facebook which I joined because I thought I was going to be completely out of it most of the time. Fortunately though, despite the fact that the chemo knocked me out every three weeks, the feeling of being totally incapable of anything at all only lasted a few days so I had about two weeks out of three where I was able to work at almost full energy levels. So I kept on writing, and rewriting my research paper and working on DAD stuff (Dover Arts Development). Joanna was great - she'd say "come on Clare, you've got chemo in 5 days so do it now!" It has been really important for me to have that kind of support. Realistic, upfront and not treating me as ill except when really I wasn't up to it. My partner has been fantastic in the same kind of way. And it has been important for me too to learn to let people know when I'm not able to do anything and when I am. Admittedly I haven't been out much - no trips to London to see work for fear of catching a cold on the train, but I'll soon put that right. Staying in control of my own activities has been the most important thing over these past few months.

# 18 [30 May 2010]

I managed to finish my research paper and submit it on time. The marks will be carried forward till next year when I present my studio practice.

My chemo sessions are over though the whole course of treatment isn't. Next stop hospital for an op.

Anyhow, now that I am not writing and rewriting and editing and checking my bibliography I've got some time to play. I've been looking at medical imagery and think I might pursue this a bit, though this drawing/collage looks a bit too much like a plate.

# 17 [27 April 2010]

Back again. I've just sent a second draft of my research paper off for feedback. Let's see what comes back. It is now much more analytical than in its first incarnation.

One good thing about deferring till next year is that I can experiment when it comes to my practice and give myself more time to get to the heart of what that practice is or might be.

I'm currently making a book of sorts. I can't sew and I'm not dextrous, in part due to arthritic fingers, so the sewing feels like hard labour. Sewing also relates to my mother, whose stitches are neater and finer than machine made ones.

# 16 [16 March 2010]

Still writing. It's strange but having read through lots of theory vs practice huffing and puffing on various a-n blog pages I am now realising how a really close engagement with theory is actually really exciting. I mean close engagement as in trying to read a few lines really carefully as opposed to trying to catch at all the bits of theory that come one's way. My own subjective reading of artworks is coming together with the theoretical in a way I hadn't expected and it is impacting on how I think about my practice.

On we go! Have done about 6,000 words now. I'm not sure if I can submit this year as I'm not officially enrolled but if I can get the writing done, then next year I can just hone my practice. CSM doesn't give separate marks for the research paper and the final work, so it's just about practicalities in terms of time really as to whether I submit in May or not.