DEGREES UNEDITED

# 1 [30 April 2008]

The days until the degree show are falling away and going into the studio is very stressful. Everybody seems manically driven, (now) putting the final touches to their masterpieces, hoping to snag the attention away from the person next to them.

At times like this I don't want to get caught up in all the stress. I'm working away on drawings and little sculptures and it's interesting enough but I know what I'm really excited about is that a new, unpredictable group of people are going to see my work and I want to make it great. I don't want to be dull and introverted into MY practice and MY ideas because nobody else cares about me. I'm another name, or else I'm the viewers daughter or friend, in which case they'll never be honest anyway.

I've never found tutorials all that useful, except for one that I had a few months back. I was worried and tense because, like now, I had an exhibition deadline coming up and my work was fine, but stale. I like to respond to situations specifically, making sculpture (or installtions, or whatever) that are site, time and event specific. They are more about the other works and the exhibiting context than they are about MY ideas and MY fascinating line of enquiry into the marking of space or whatever my 'project title' is.

The tutorial that I had was useful because my tutor saw how worried I was, and that I had nothing I wanted to show for the big group crit & assessment in a few days. His advice to me was 'relax, enjoy yourself tonight, no drinking, eat well, then wake up tomorrow, one hour earlier than usual, go to a cafe or a bench that you haven't been to before, write down your strategy and that's it.' It was great advice and it worked....but this time round I don't know if I'm prepared to take such a risk.

But, the other part of me says, fuck it, it's just a big space with a load of students setting out their stalls, who cares what mark you get, who cares what anyone thinks.... just enjoy it. So that's my strategy at the moment, enjoy the panic.... 

# 2 [1 May 2008]

This deadline really gets to me, I find my moods are up and down caused by the pressure that I'm putting on myself. Anyway, after a few drinks last night I had a little idea on the bus and wrote down a few ideas on my phone. Sometimes this happens and I'm disappointed to look back at it and realise it's all bollocks. 

This time I don't know, I'll have a go this morning. It's so difficult to know which ideas to try and which to just let die. For every 200 ideas for sculptures I have, I'll make 100, and only 1 I'll be happy with. Does everyone have such a high failure rate? I class something not to be a failure if I have to keep coming back to look at it.... it's very rare.

 So I was thinking I might make a monument to the learning outcomes. My course has only become unitised or whatever its called for my year. We Engage, Illustrate, Demonstrate etc etc like sheep and are rated on how well we organize files as much as whether the work is terrific or shite. What about a crap monument that definitely fulfils the learning outcomes? We'll see

# 3 [5 May 2008]

Things are slowly chugging away, saw some decent little exhibitions yesterday... made me realise that this really is just the very beginning and the limits on what I can do are put there myself...

# 4 [7 May 2008]

Things are getting moving in the studio now, we have to move everything to start the 'installation' phase tomorrow. still not sure what im going to make.. but ive got a few fingers in a few sizzling pies so should be ok. thought i should get the old documentation sorted in advance, that would be clever wouldn't it.... but that looks like a big headache so im avoiding it...pro-cras-tin-ating

im going to the V&A this morning because last time i went i had one of those epiphanies. its worth making the effort, and the tube fare, and all the screaming kids on school trips (or, isn't it half term?) it's important for me to keep being absorbent and contemplative right up until the deadline. and, worst comes to worst, i'll just put a big drawing up of some little houses on islands. bam!

# 5 [9 May 2008]

So the studio is pretty much now an exhibition space... most tables and chairs have been hauled upstairs in a sweaty group effort yesterday. I've got rid of my table and chair so can't sit around and waste time now. The only reason I'll be going to college is to start trying to get my work in there.

Still not sure that the body of things I've got and the drawings I've been making are really any good.. and if I end up showing groups of objects I'd have to make loads more and I don't know if that's the best use of my energy today. I've set aside all day to do a big watercolour (could end up in the show), make lists and maybe some more clay/wax stufff...

im boring myself thinking about it. thats not a good sign is it? whatever anyway because it's becoming obvious to me that the degree show is one thing but the assessment is really what I should be fussing over. Got so much documentation to organize, print and format into some coherent object. Lots of spinning plates and sizzling pies, and theres only a couple of weeks to go.

# 6 [12 May 2008]

A lot of my time at the moment is spent making lists and planning (and sunbathing), but that seems to be a good way to put things in perspective. Theres a lot of dull computer work to do, formatting documentation and tying up all the straggling loose ends. I hadn't realised that most of my work is never resolved; it just sits on my table and amuses me but I have no idea of its place in a viewing context.

It can be satisfying to sweep up all the crumbs of almost 'art works' and make them into glossy pictures. It does something for the ego! And since I'll never have to stand face to face with someone and listen to their thoughts on the 5 or 6 works I've resolved in the last couple of days... I don't care if they're shit! They look good on glossy paper.

I'm going to do this for another couple of days and then get on to the actual making of the work for The Big Showdown. I've realised there's no point trying to stand out or grab attention so I'll just put in some modest clay bits n pieces. That's as much as I know at the moment.

# 7 [14 May 2008]

My brain is a saturated sponge that needs to be wrung out. ive done nothing today.

# 8 [17 May 2008]

Through a series of chance occurrences - being in the library and choosing a book I'd never seen before - starting to read it, and seeing what I want to see in its content  - I have a new surge of energy.  

This book is about artistic process and the unfinished artwork. We can't draw a line under anything because it all bleeds together. Once it's finished it's dead. So I've got threads that are all alive at the moment, although they all seem disconnected. In the midst of this, I can't even try to look at the objects and ideas from a removed position - and am wary of relying on what other people say about them. Sometimes I think that being repelled by something you have made is a good sign.

# 9 [18 May 2008]

I have finally written an artists statement that I believe reflects something of what I want to say. It's a nightmare to write but was assisted by a ridiculous 'how to' article I found through a google search. I felt like a plonker writing "words that describe how I feel about my work." After I'd got through 'embarassed' and synonyms I got to the good stuff and eventually it worked well. Can't help but sound pretentious but I suppose it just needs to be a concise and direct explanation of what I'm trying to do. 

The book on finish has been very useful and I'm still trying to keep my view opened up rather than closed down by committing to something: I've made a few bits and pieces and found a funny little miniature city cast in resin at the flea market today that might form part of my show...

Also had some new ideas about showing the documentation... and I'm thinking about pricing a bunch of drawings at £4.99.. maybe buy 2 get the 3rd free...

# 10 [20 May 2008]

I just want it all to be over now. The atmosphere at college is tense and unpleasantly competitive. If you're still working at this stage, with days to spare, and still thinking, (of course, not dead yet) it is very off putting having to listen to the smarmy buggers who finished their masterpieces weeks ago. I want to get away from everyone else, but it's not all that easy at a college that is renowned for its stuffing in of students in every last inch of space.

Looks like my work will take the form of lots of objects that map my changing ideas, although I keep having new developments that make me feel like I should jack in all the past stuff I've been doing. It's a risky strategy, leaving it all to the last minute. But at least I'm not bored - although I'm torturing myself with the looming thought that I'm not happy with the work I've made. There's definitely a 2 side personality situation here where one is a vicious art critic and the other is a crushed over sensitive artiste and they are warring it out at the moment.