Only The (Dark) Horses…
I usually don’t take that long in between posts. Last time I went off the blog’s radar for a long while was 4 years ago, when I first joined in and started this blog. Quickly though the pressure of posting regularly became too much…Or I put some unnecessary pressure on myself for a side project which had/has the ability to enhance my thinking process about my practice, my work and to a certain extent my writing. not that I was totally aware of it at the time…But this is best left for another debate!?
So 2 months have passed since my last post. I’m still wondering why? A mix of circumstances caused it – the gap – the fact that we’re entering the final 2 weeks of rehearsals before the show as I was writing my last post; the lack of confort in my chaotic working/living/reading room; the laptop mini-breakdown; a post-show general dryness that slowly turned into physical and mental tiredness which lead to symptomatic lazyness. Then came the guilt…For not having kept on going. For not having finished what I’ve started. For not taking my work as seriously as I could. For not acting as professionally as I should. For giving up too easily. Then come regrets…For slacking. For wasting. For whingeing. For self-pitying. For diverging. For diverting too often and too much.I guess it is a typical case of falling off the horse…Except that I had no (real) reasons or intention to fall off it…Again.
I had several occasions to fill the gap. Especially in February – I watched The day Shall Declare It at Marelybone Gardens in some spooky circumstances; I went to see 3 more Resolution nights up to the closing evening; I kept having intersting chats about the show; I’ve been given the opportunity to apply for a chairman position, which oddly enough has provoked a questionning of my motivations for being an artist; and I’m exploring the possibility of doing a PhD on the top of all of that. So I have had plenty to talk about! And yet, no urge was there to post any thoughts, doubts or discoveries about my next artistic chapter.
So tonight comes as a relief. Tonight comes as a realization that the regular writing of this blog is what kept me on the saddle all last year, laying bare my busy mind, like a pillow you hold tight at night to stop you from crying. Like your favorite Magnum ice cream you’re craving for at 2 in the morning after a fructuous brainstorming. Like an old school Morcheeba, Moloko or Madonna that takes you away on a glorious tripping day of a feel good dream. Like the simple feeling of being intellectually and artistically alive…Momentary or not, tonight comes as a relief, as an attempt, as a certainty that I should do it all over again!
Til The Creative Guilt Do Us Part…
Immigration (War is over…NOT)
So this’s Christmas and what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun. A very happy Xmas & a Happy New Year – it was for me – let’s hope it’s a good one, without any fear…
So, why 6 days in 2014 only do I feel already powerless and threatened? Could it have to do with the latest news about immigration? This time, we hear it from the Nation itself: Immigration needs to be cut down….What does that realistically mean? For whom? Is there a before and after the poll? Or are we, all migrants, put in the same basket?
Give it two more years and it’ll be about 15 years I’ve been living in the UK – will this number of years play in my favor? I’m not Eastern European but from a country which, despite centuries of rivalry has been GB’s ally at crucial times in history. Does it count as such?. For years, I have worked in offices, with communities, volunteered in groups, participated in public forums, been involved in charities’s projects, championed national causes (at my level) and embraced 2012 as if it was my second National Day. How many browny points on the staying scale do I get?
Then I’m an artist. I’ve spent my day looking after my voice, promoting my latest solo show around town, watching Siobhan Davies’s dancers moving beautifully at the ICA, talking about my worries related to my practice, checking opportunities for my next creative venture, contacting potential collaborators and thinking about my near future. How do I contribute to the country’s economy? Am I still a threat for its stability? Or an asset for its diversity?
Yes, a very Merry Xmas – it was – and a Happy New Year! Let’s hope it’s a peaceful one without any more fears?
Memo (I)
Here are some words that came to mind over the past few days of working on my latest piece. Some, to remind me of the next task to do; others just keep creeping in constantly…
Heart
Videos
Resistance
Chaos
Mess
Losing
Veil
Robotic
Fantasy
Reality
Voice
Control
Soul
Writing
Trailer
Walking
Army
Me
Bjork
Fight
Re-enactment
Notes From The Rehearsal Space
Can I find a bridge between two opposite directions?
Can I let go of my frustration?
Can I lay bare my emotions?
Can I use color?
Can I see you as a mirror?
Can I talk about life in technicolor?
Can I fight the floor?
Can I be naked?
Can I be afraid?
Can I get injured?
Can I lay down inanimated?
Can I breathe loudly?
Can I leave sensually?
Can I fall and tumble?
Can I stand tall and rumble?
Can I show strength?
Can I pray tense?
Can I look dense?
Can I move repeatedly?
Can I pause endlessly?
Can I dance knowingly?
Can I share clumsily?
Can I stare fiercely?
Can I Stare angrily?
Can I stare the ceiling?
Can I stare but not wipping?
Can I stare but not being?
Can I try with lights?
Can I try?
Can I try?
Can I try?
Can I?
Can I?
Can I?
CAN i?
Canaille!
