The things we are afraid of are perhaps often the things we can learn the most from. Fear illuminates our boundaries as it threatens our stable sense of self. But can we deliberately step into spaces that scare us, or that we avoid? Can doing this help us to open up to new experiences and understand more about ourselves?
In February 2016 I left the role of Education Co-Director at Cubitt Gallery and Studios in Angel, London. It was a role that had consumed much of my life for nearly eight years in ways that were very rewarding and transformative. But I left the organisation with a commitment to dedicating as much time as I could to my own artistic practice.
Support from an a-n Professional Development bursary came at a crucial moment- just as I was thinking about how best to spend my time- what to actually do with it.
I wondered if I could go back to the beginning- to drop any existing project ideas, and try to forget any idea of the artist that I thought I was, and instead go into the studio and sit down and see what I’d like to make or do on a small scale, without anyone else being involved.
The first thing that arose from this strategy was fear- I was afraid that I wouldn’t know what to do, and that I wouldn’t actually be very good at anything. By suddenly paring back my practice to the bare essentials, I risked exposing it, and my own vulnerability, completely.
And then I hit upon the idea of exploring fear itself. Instead of trying to ignore these feelings of apprehension, could I use them productively to shape my practice and to explore things that I had never tried before?
In this blog, over the next few weeks, I will reflect on the process so far, and share the things I have learned and anything new that arises.