i sometimes wonder why i feel unable to express myself because of what might be dealt upon me as a result. article 10 places me in a place where i can freely express what i want to, yet i suffer from an anxiety as a consequence of creative expression.

this was quite true until recently.

recently i’ve stepped back from forging the practice forward and placed my effort into my lantra and forest school portfolio building. i’ve taken a break from the drill face.

it’s given me some time and space to reflect upon where the anxiety orgininates from. sometimes an idea isn’t realised because of what i perceive as an over whelming political reading of the idea as i see it. yes over thinking is something i suffer from.

the over politicalisation by myself is a concern to me.  my ideas become staid and dull and frankly not much fun.

in considering the writing of this post i wondered about mentioning the previous post.  it was a waffle in response to the incident in paris.  in 2006 i exhibited a work i called “notes for a village essay” . after paris i found myself contemplating something in response to it.  the anyalasis of paris that i’ve read suggests that the next attack will be in mainland united states of america and as a result the dictator in syria will be the main target of an attack.  i grew up withe the ira terrorising mainland britain, i can still feel the terror i had standing in a london underground station and around london, not knowing what they would do next.

this might be another detail vs bigger picture and uncharacteristically the bigger picture seems to be what i want to consider.

my thoughts go out to everyone currently grieving for the loss of a loved one.

i read a lot online about the ongoing actions that take place globally.  this course of reading began after the planes hit the twin towers in america.

article 9 gives freedom of thought, conscience and religion.

i have a personal stance on the global actions and as much as i consider expressing myself visually about these, i have an over riding sense of no, adding to it isn’t going to alter or undo anything.

if anything my stance leaves me wanting to demonstrate that i am not afraid.  the feelings of terror generated my media reports need to be over turned and i can do that for myself.


at this point of the post i hit a ceiling.

i start to question myself.  i start to become uncomfortable about putting my ideas out there.  in a moment i start to feel vulnerable and exposed because i speak of my thoughts.  am i actually terrorising myself?

so what do i do instead?



be juvenile.

have fun in the moment.

make art for arts sake.

ignore all the things that make me uncomfortable.


i’ll share a little storey with you.  on the lantra course we got to plant a hedge.  we did this next to the main entrance road to a park in derby.  as we worked i felt compelled to wave at those in cars who looked upon us while we worked.  some smiled a few waved.  what emerged though was an uncomfortable ness amougst some of the group i was working with.  it’s difficult to describe what i saw from the group other than to say it appeared to be a fear of waving to others passing for what they might say, do or think.  wether this was sourced in the thought that groups of people working in a public place are often seen as groups of community payback people, i don;t know. in our group, the limited high viz jackets were yellow and with no words on the back.

the experience left me feeling there has there been a loss of sight of the joy of being with unknown people, connecting via a smile and a wave.  am i really that juvenile to think it’s a thing fun to do ?


human rights have been fought for and won.   if as individuals we fail to uphold our basic human rights … might we actually start to loose them, or allow those who decide …  to alter them for us ?




i wanted to post my beginning notes for my global essay, fictional notes for a work yet to be made.  i’ve renewed my membership so i’m all legitimised to do so.

my notes begin in a business place some years ago.  something happens and there appears to be several explanations of why it happened.  in the majority of cases a single timeline is credible and accepted and life continues as peace prevails.

fast forward to a time near today.  ripples from the inital happening are still being felt in seemingly gentle almost unoticable forms until something else happens as a result of lots of almost unseeable goings on, well unseeable but  actually in plane site.

12 year old boys use their smartphones to show their school peers images of painful and life threatening happenings and school policies stumble to prevent or control.

in political spheres broadcast media is used to back up the ongoing agenda while fronting this out with palletible words of comfort.

digging by interested parties continue to unearth parts of the storey missing from the business place adventure.

small groups meet to plan what happens next.  consideration of taxation of an important commodity, centralised governance to make the paperwork easier.

all done with much sugar in the tea made available for all to drink.

all the time, all things are made palletable and websites specifically website specialist in people to people make it easy for others to see our empathy with matters pertaining to global happening.  supreme under the counter stuff.

this is further backed up and soothed by freindly outlines colouring themselves in significant colour.

happenings on a global scale, freindly peaceful all with love and empathy.

notes to continue. fiction yet to be constructed.  work yet to be made.  small groups to gather, freindly good descisions to be made in friendly meaningful helpful manner.


how do i think ? imagine the overall big picture and work inwards or find a detail and expand it outwards ?

it appears that i’m a detail out kinda guy.  having had this pointed out to me it certainly fits.  the concern for me though is despite conciously moving away what i did do to see what i might do the thing that reamins unaltered and seemingly unevolved is my detail first thinking.

this ability is fine when working collaboratively as the combination of overall big picture and detail thinkers working together is very powerful.  i know this as an overall thinker has told me so.

what i need to evolve in myself is my valuation of my ability to find detail where previously there was none.  in evolving this finding overall thinkers who accept this valuation will help to maintain the valuation.

am i staring at a paradoxical situation of the detail being the overall big picture … is detail as the overall big picture sustainable for a visual art practice … from my own evidence so far the answer is no.

so how can i continue with a visual art practice … keep on with the detail…. research it and find a way to intellectualise what it is as a result of considering it.  so time to try and stretch myself once more but this time in a manner that does not leave me tired, drained and exhausted with not very much to show for my efforts.