after a rest during christmas of 2018, this blog holds the energy of my practice life and work during 2019.

2019 – a time for challenging my own perception of life and work, time to shake of mental shackles from previous years and to proudly put one foot in front of the other…

in reviewing 2018 i wrote

the energy i feel currently is one of a playful energy – not caring about what others think of what i’m doing.

 

 

i’m not quite at the point of fully being able to talk about what it was – all i can say is that it was something small that rapidly expanded and the existence of this continued to hamper my confidence for some years.

 

 

2019 – going for it.

 

 


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there’s a lovely feeling about getting to the point on a friday afternoon when i realise i have the head space and photos to put together a post about my week.

after the weekend of discomfort – my week has been ok.

 

 

i’ve learnt about p.u.w.e.r.   this is the provision and use of equipment – it seems to be a little known thing.  with my on going involvement with derby museums mobile museum of making #themakory the knowledge of puwer and equipment is an essential part of that involvement.  amongst other things i can now safely change the blade on a narrow bandsaw.

i found the training really interesting and very tiring.  i kept myself going this week until about 2pm today, at which point i let the tiredness wash over me and i sat happy in the knowledge that there was nothing more to do today.

 

 

today has been important.

today i’ve been to the silk mill site office and started dialogues with the project and site managers of the construction project.

reflecting about the meeting i can see how i was a little daunted about it – the whole nature of negotiating with construction professionals to access a live building site.  the puwer training had made me aware of new aspects of health and safety – being at the silk mill site office today has taken this to a whole new level.

 

 

thinking about it – all of us in the office were in the same boat in terms of being at the beginning of discovering what the work looks like.   i see my role in this early stage to build trust and relationship while getting familiar with the construction site and the plans for the building.

i’m keeping a separate blog about the non linear project here.

 

 

in  picking up the non linear project and reconnecting to all that goes with it.  now in the third tranche(t3) when considering the first two – i’ve covered so much professional ground.

in t3 i want to have more voices.  this is going to be a challenge and i’m up for it.

t3 also has a coproduction aspect.  under the guidance of sue ball and museum staff we’re working with volunteers to co produce the arts and heritage programme.  my project will directly benefit from human centred design processes helping to answer tricky questions about the installed work.  if i step back and look at the whole thing – i’m slightly daunted again.

 

 

other more familiar aspects of this week have been the making of paper roses and watching a 6 man rapper team in a derby pub.

 

 

 

golly – its been a busy week !

 

if you’ve not experienced a rapper team –  heres  a taster.

 

have a great weekend.  xx

 

 


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in my inexperience with social media i’ve arrived at an etiquette stanch to do with following up posts in which i have expressed something in such a way that might make the reader uncomfortable.  i think i’m talking about restoring balance – recentring.

to make this possible the writer –  me – needs to get up from the cite of the offloading and go do something more interesting instead.

this afternoon i fell into clearing the blocked drains of both the shower and the sink in our bathroom.  i say bathroom – we’ve actually not had a bath there for nearly 4 years.

 

 

it wasn’t a pleasent thing to do – but i let go of the imposed mental hold and got on with the task at hand.

the shower was way easier to complete than the sink.

with the sink i took the u-bend apart and worked at releasing the matted hair from within.

it smelt unpleasant.

this helped to balance the  state of mind i’d gone into the afternoon with.

 

 

as i cleaned i considered making what has become this post.

i recalled a memory from watching big brother when still on channel 4 – before i was an undergraduate.

this particular memory was about the inclusion of a psychologist in a series.  there was a whole programme each week where said person talked us through what they thought was going of for the contestants.

a very specific memory was to do with cleaning.  the action of cleaning being of great psychological benefit to those taking part. – complete with footage from the house of things being cleaned.

 

 

i had an underlying my world is s**t thing going on –  i’m managing this better now.

in a personal transgressive manoeuvre i try to let go of the anticipation of judgment coming my way for writing publicly about my torment.

i’m starting to want the sunnier weather to arrive and to do this soon.

 

something else i thought a lot about this afternoon was the notion of being listened to.   i thought long and hard about it and now i’m a little perplexed to know where to start to unpack my thoughts.

part of my knot today was connected with a feeling of not being listened to.

in thinking that – i started to ask the non present people in the room how they knew they were actively listening,  as active listening is actually a thing.

if don’t currently actively listen, keep an eye out for a course – it’s well worth the time learning about it and subsequently practicing it.  you might well be able to help someone unpack and clear their torment that troubles them.

 


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in this post i aim to reflect as well as off load.  i need to off load the feelings generated while working within a project.  the details of this project are irrelevent as it’s not about the project – it’s me and my wanting to be happy during a wet and blustery sunday afternoon.

in reflecting upon my week and now my weekend i know i need to do something to make me feel better about myself.  needing ot be honest with myself about what i might do i have some lunch in mind followed by spring cleaning one of the rooms.

i dial in an old familiar you tube video to help me attain a happy place in my mind.

time passes and lunch is eaten.

tea is made and placed on the side to cool.

reflections made as to wether i am as unhapppy as i think i am or if this is a construct based upon physiological states and needing food.

what i do know to be the case is the constant running of scripts in my mind that i have absolutely no influence over as they are in the recent past and they did happen as a linear event and i did react at the time and the net result is a feeling of a position the event left me in.

need for super dooper emotional intelligence to let it all go.

 

 

my hope here is that by commiting to writing this i feel less burdoned by the thoughts i drag around with me.

why do i drag them around ?

they are dragged around because i am incensed by some the manner in which a meeting to resolve something has set up more things to resolve – more questions – more frustrations.

i pause to look out the window.  the dog beat me to it so the view of teh scurrying clouds is marginally obscured.  i try to find the metaphor in this image to help me understand what i feel i’m in right now.

what am i in right now ? i feel angry.  i feel more angry now than at the time.  i’m sorry if i’m talking in riddles – it’s necessary because i can;t actually just come out and say what the thing is.   the organisation has done well as setting this up as the norm.  hearing what it is –  isn’t something that is encouraged.

i have not felt listened to this week.

putting on a continuous brave face is tiring – especially when i need to do this at home.

 

i have to sit for a moment and listen to what carl cox is playing – reach for my tea – check out my relationship with the window.

 

[time passes]

 

[time passes]

 

[time passes]

 

 

 

 


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i’m awash with excitement – a top feeling – energising – almost bursting.

how can this be followed i think?  like a surfer standing up i am in that moment and i feel invincible.   it’s friday 10:15am.

 

i pause for a moment and think back to 8:29 am on monday.  i was in the midst of a wave of loss – our dog maybe passed well over 18 months ago now – i’d put thoughts together that initiated a feeling.  i worked through them in the form via photograghy and shared on instagram

 

 

in the moment now i’m balanced out.

 

the recent warm weather has hopefully topped up by vitamin d, its so easy to let levels drop to become critical.  a colleague yesterday commenting on a mood they had and it teetered on the melancholic.

this week has been the cliche roller coaster ride.

 

 

the image is part of the roof space of the wardwick area of derby museums.  it’s an event space and on wednesday i sat there and did some work.  quiet, contemplative and seeing many transformations.

 

i continue to grow the confidence in myself and my practice.

 


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letter to rob 2.3.19

 

dear rob

 

i’ve thought of you this evening after watching a couple of programmes about electronic music being made through the 1970s and 80’s.

 

now i’m sitting writing to you i’m not too sure what to say. earlier while thinking about what i’d watched my mind wandered back to a time when i rode a motorcycle and we were at college together. the particular memory being the summer we worked together and after an evening’s work you invited me back to your parents house. it was the first time i’d been with an adult who painted.

 

writing that now i feel incredibly naïve.

 

the other college memory that is really strong is the thing we did to you can’t hurry love. i remember we edited it because it was felt to be too long for the thing we were planning to do. little did we take into consideration the nerves and alcohol slowing us down. i can’t remember how many of there were of us taking part – only one of us managing to complete what we said we’d all do. we did take part though.

 

in thinking about writing to you i did wonder if this might get sent to you or maybe i’d right it in a very generic manner and post it onto a blog.

 

my naivety feels quite strong when i consider where i am and the last i heard of you – you now work at the very college we were at together.

 

being honest with you i’m still working through accepting how my teenage years were.

 

before college i had a part time job in a petrol station. one of the guys who worked there went to camden to see a band called caberet voltaire. they featured in the second documentary tonight.

 

when i consider my teenage years i reflect that … i pause. i think i know what to write next but it’s very of now.

 

i think where i’m going with this is that there is something of now that i feel is … i was going to say missing  – that might now be the right word.

 

its like i’m missing an influence – something that connects everything and really lights me up. the scary thing is i might need to find that for myself.   calls into question my ability and confidence.

 

i pause again.

 

i’ve enjoyed my evening and i’ve enjoyed reminiscing about our times together. i think this evening its actually more about feeling the lack of opportunities to tell stories about past times – realise i can’t remember everything – to hear other’s tales of things i was involved with.

 

after that i’m left with the present and my working through stuff left over and stuff of now.

 

i maybe need more stuff of now that excites me and leads me to believing and knowing i am part of something.

 

i think i crave peer praise.

 

i have many feelings about what i do.

 

look at me – i haven’t written in years and i’m being all palms up and open with you instead of small talk about the weather and how are the family now?

 

i miss not having something i never had.

 

please write back – i know i’ve gone off into the deep end, did i always do this ?

 

best regards

 

andrew

 

aka cecil xx

 


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