the kettle is on in the kitchen while i day dream out the living room window. the lads from next door are leaning against their fence, billows of smoke surround them from their vaping. i leave the writing for a moment to create a pot of tea.
returning with a cup of tea and feeling satisfied by a sandwich i start to convene the many thoughts of the last few days into something i hope that will have a semblance of sense.
the concept of respect has been within my thinking a lot lately. from how the japanese celebrate the cherry blossom through to the many thousands of finishers of the recent london marathon.
this year the marathon took on a new emotional dimension for me, my partner was a runner of the marathon.
a wave of emotional energy breaks upon me and i pause for some of the tea.
too hot to drink i return to the flow of capturing where i am at the end of april. i’ve been thinking a lot lately about how i feel and how i think. how i influence how i feel via how i think about myself and the world around me.
there’s an awareness of how i use regularly reoccurring actions to ground me, for example the weekly tracking of our household energy usage. through the data collection i’m able to share with the family how our energy consumption compares to this time last year. we can also see how the outside temperature affects the use of gas. things we might take for granted.
the mainstream is once again full of the climate change conundrum. it’s no longer a shock for me because i can remember previous rounds of the conundrum being given high visibility within the mainstream. the conundrum is fuelled by choice presented through economics. this morning while out with the dog i mused about how might choice be slowly evolved so that there is no choice for the mainstream in how the conundrum is answered ? does one need to make a choice while it is still there to be made? how might the reaction go when choice is no longer an option and there is a force to do something ? maybe the conundrum is to remain simply that.
i revisit my tea.
this morning i’ve been revisiting the weekend and specifically sunday. my partner was running the london marathon.
neither of us are particularly good in large crowds in urban settings. having said that with the purpose of the marathon in mind the journeys out to blackheath on the sunday and the running show at excel on the saturday were ok. we were both part of something that many many people around us were also part of.
saturday wasn’t a particularly good day for me at a personal level. on the train down to london i had experienced part of a tooth coming away.
i sit in this moment feeling very emotional as teeth care is a huge trigger for me. while i was young and i’m talking less than 10 years old here i experienced a visit to a dentist that i can still visualise in three parts. these are waking up in the dentist chair with multiple faces looking down upon me and my vision moving. second part is the leaning over a huge white sink with blood pouring out of my mouth.
the last part is back at home in the kitchen and opening the back door to go outside. when the fresh air hit me it caused a return to the nausea and spinning i experienced in the first part of this description.
at some point the broken tooth needs to be remedied in some way. right now i don’t have anything like the emotional strength to face doing anything about it.
my partner ran the marathon. the thought of it right now makes me cry. she asked me to go to london with her, to both enjoy the weekend away with her but to also be there for her.
in the weeks and days leading up to the start her taking part was impacting upon my emotional state.
my release of this came as i waited for her at the 8 mile marker. just thinking about what to say to her brought about tears.
i needed so say nothing, my presence at the 8 mile mark being enough.
i have to admit after that 8 mile exchange i was into new unexplored territory. the question of what was i going to do during the marathon had been asked of me several times in the week leading up to the event.
a chance meeting with the site manager from the silk mill and his wife in the running show helped me to form a plan. he has run the marathon many times and his wife has both been a runner and a spectator. her advise was to go to the 8 and 18 mile points. she warned of crowds at tower bridge.
making my way from blackheath to mile 8 i overheard a conversation about avoiding the dlr during the event. advice that i would find very useful later.
so after mile 8 i was very much into the unknown.
looking after my own needs before moving required me to find a comfort stop and something to eat. the queue at surrey quay station was across the road so taking my time seemed to be ok.
as i finished off my food a text arrived from chris asking me if i had any paracetamol. i knew she had some in her bag at the collection point. her research had shown that the taking of pain killers would be of great benefit after the race. her text alerted me to her pain and her need prior to mile 18.
my afternoon took on a new direction, something very deep and prime kicked in. i sensed purpose and adventure.
from the footage i got on sunday i sense there’s a video work waiting to happen and as such i’m going to hold back on an emotional outpouring here about how the afternoon panned out.
planning this work is potentially helping me through a block i’ve been experiencing with the silk mill commission. it’s felt very solitary.