i have to admit to you i’m really uncomfortable about something i wrote about myself in my previous post. i did consider sitting with it all day and writing later. this was going to be too long before trying to address my concern.
last night i wrote something about myself relative to the a-n artist bursaries, the deadline for which is next monday.
with palms up and outstretched i can tell you i applied last year and was unsuccessful. as the year rolled on and i got to see the blogs of those taking part it became clear to me why my idea hadn’t made in onto the must fund these pile.
i would like to read more blogs during the year rather than a big lump just before year end.
my comment about myself last night took me to quite a dark place this morning when i thought of what i’d said.
i note i’m way to quick to berate myself. way to quick to put myself down. no need to go into why i think i do this as it’s something i’m working on to improve. i think it’s part of a coping with confidence – or lack – and a certain vulnerability.
being a bit reflective now it’s about a value system and me being present in that. the very obvious, mainstream widely known about art value system is one that i feel able to access and be part of in only very small amountsm and in a very infrequent way. i smile and realise that the exception to this is being part of this blogging community on a-n.
i’m feeling happy now.
i sip the nearly cold tea and tune into the washing machine spinning away in the kitchen, this mornings task before leaving the house to attend three meetings in the course of the day.
while i planned this post i recognised how the snee snaw starts to talk about balancing out the contrasts in my life – the light and dark, happy with sad. each pairing intrinsically linked and when one is in ascendancy the other has to be quiet until – through time – it can be the present one.
while looking at the current setup next to me on the sofa i start to read how another person involved with my light, dark, happy,sad can bring forward an alteration in the current state.
as well as being very playful – i’m starting to read the profound in the snee snaw as well.