motivation this evening to write is to attempt to reflect about what happens for me prior to having dinner. in an atmosphere of #itsoktotalk i feel the need to continue to be brave and speak about the times when all looks looks s***e.
something happens within my physiology on the cusp of low energy before eating. despite things in my life being good and with prospects of things to do in the future in those 10’s of minutes prior to eating my world is a dark place.
i think today something has clicked to write a little bit more about it as i’ve seen a tweet from a school showing that mental health is being discussed in school and a short video from the creator of one of the software applications i use.
in the video mark coniglio talks about how artists are people who feel different – they don’t fit into the mainstream somehow. this leads to a feeling of difference and alone – being without community. he continues about how making work leads to solving this problem through sharing of work with people who get them and their work. i’ve posted the video below, i hope you can view it.
i’ve eaten now but the feeling left by going into the dark place remains, not as strong but enough to leave me with a doubt. the doubt is the legacy of something that is not now real – it never was actually real but in the moments i experienced the thoughts felt very real. it takes effort to pull up and out of the decline. i find eventually drawing on some mindful practice helps to remain real and in the moment.
it leaves me feeling i need to find other coping strategies for these times – getting up, moving around, interfering with the cooking process.
in other news i’ve begun removing the old skirting board ahead of renewing it in time for a new carpet. net result is a lot of disruption in the house while continuing with all the day to day stuff.
just dropping back into reflecting about the pre dinner thought implosion – it’s made me realise tonight that i push myself maybe a little too hard. by this i mean that each time i begin something i want it to be of such a quality that loads of people want to see it. not sure i’ve explained that well enough to be honest.
this evening i’ve had to have a word with myself about actually there is only so many top notch things i can do at any one time and actually its ok to have things that are just for fun. they can go nowhere or develop later. listening to mark has made me question myself about what i’m doing and who i connect with. on friday i’m going to an event in derby to share where the snee snaw(for 4) is currently. am i being sucked into the here and now wanting it brigade ? maybe.
i’ve made a new musical discovery on tube tonight and i’ve been enjoying it while typing.
another little revisit to the pre dinner thing. it sets up a physical tension in me that is confusing because the thoughts about something that aren’t real manifest into physical feelings that are real so the physical self is backing up the mental self to the point of being detrimental – confusing.
i think there’s stigma about sharing these kind of dark moments. i back the #it’soktotalk and #itsoktobeok – it’s ok.