Last year, I gave a talk about my life at a Meet-up event to an audience of about 80 people.  There were many things I was excited to share with the people there, like the time I lived in Japan, the time I was in a band, the time I studied art, the time I worked in India.  I wanted to cover everything.  But I knew by doing so, there was one part of my life that I needed to include and that was being diagnosed with severe depression.  I struggled to find a suitable slide to represent depression and so in the end I decided to leave it blank.  As I came onto this part, I could feel myself getting nervous.  I stopped to gather myself and the room went silent for a few moments. My audience immediately picked up on my feelings.  One person clapped and everyone else joined in.  They encouraged me to continue and I heard someone shout, “You can do it Nami!”  What followed was a personal account of my depression where I shared the feelings that I struggled with.  I revealed how hopeless I felt, how alone I felt, how I felt like I didn’t deserve anything and above all – how I felt that I was not good enough. “No one has to live with these thoughts but me” I would often say to my Mum who would hold onto me on my worse days.


My friends know me as a happy and confident person. When I shared what I was going through with them they were really supportive. They had noticed a change in me and that change made a lot more sense once I had told them about my depression. By this point, I was already receiving treatment for it. I was prescribed Citalopram and referred to for counselling.  During the weeks I was receiving counselling, things got worse before they got better. I brought things up in my sessions that I had spent a long time avoided in addressing.

What led to the depression? I was bullied in my previous job where I was often told that I had no common sense and that my work was not good enough. At the same time, I was also involved in an abusive relationship. I felt like I had nothing of any worth to give to anyone. Once I had finally decided to leave that job and end that toxic relationship, I was emotionally and physically drained. I had lost 7 kg in weight.

My counsellor helped me work through the anxieties that had come up from these events in my life. Suicidal thoughts became more frequent and my dosage was increased to help with this. I thought about ways I could harm myself in detail. I didn’t see any point in anything any longer and I just wanted out. I knew that I was having these thoughts because I wanted to end the pain.  If I had ended my life, I would not be able to “feel” that relief.
Last year my cousin was visiting from Vancouver and it was a tradition between the two of us that I make him something before he leaves. In keeping with that tradition, one day I sat down and drew two characters inspired by Japanese street style. Even while living in Japan, I admired the Harajuku style greatly and always felt that I would love to draw the outfits of what people wore from that part of Tokyo. I spent about 6 hours working on the illustrations in the garden using a variety of materials.  When I looked at the illustrations I felt utterly proud. Whilst I was drawing, I had felt very calm. Something inside me had quietened down.

From that day onwards, I began illustrating some more. I went to Cass Art and bought new materials. I even went to Ikea to buy a desk I could work on. My family encouraged me, not only because the illustrations were helping me cope with my anxieties, but also because they felt that I could really do something with them. I was having dinner one night with my cousin and his girlfriend and I showed them my work. They advised me to try getting a stall at Spitalfield’s Market. I sent Spitalfield’s an e-mail and they invited me in so I could show them my work. I explained my thought process behind the illustrations – about my time in Japan and about how this had influenced my work. They liked how I pitched my illustrations to them and asked me when I would like to open my stall at the market!

I worked really hard to prepare my space in my market stall making sure I had enough illustrations to display and getting the look and feel of it in line with my work. On my first day on my market stall, I sold three illustrations, got one client for a commissioned piece and I met a French blogger who then went onto write about my work.

So whilst the slide to represent depression was blank, the following slides in my talk couldn’t have been more colourful as I filled them with examples of my illustrations. After the talk, people came up to me to hug me, to congratulate me on my achievements and to tell me they found my story inspiring.

My treatment is ongoing but turning to Art has helped me cope with my depression better. For anyone that is suffering the way I did, I would encourage them to pick up a pen, an instrument or even a paintbrush as a way to become more mindful.

Last year, I began working for a charity that encourages rehabilitation through various art forms. I finally feel like I am in the right place because the work I do appeals to my values. Pablo Picasso once said, “Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”  When I make my illustrations, I feel really calm. More importantly, when I look at them, I feel good enough.

Nami

www.namichikhlia.com / twitter and instagram: @namichikhlia


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