Re-folding 7 complex envelopes
Portsmouth November 15th: weirdly am not awake at 4am – ironic as I miss this familiar friendship although the dreams are 99% the same – wonder if this is a permanent change or just chance – will need a few days to start to systemize any differences or find the pattern – for now the break is obviously improvement – a whole self whispering aspergers tells me from one shoulder there is a shift somewhere difficult to pin point on my ring of fire but all connected.
Thursday – self centering – I decide to stay in – unheard of but resting and testing is coexistent. Now the reading and reading and reading which can be broken into segments and stapled for easy digestion and attention span – ordering by alphabet or position is the next choice but I am unable to decide so push to one side – all abandoned – not needed as yet. Start to take apart to put together – turning to self I connect – connect – in – out – turn – attenuate. Distracted by pain I sit to simple tasks of relabeling with coloured stickers drawn to colour references and meanings – setting out new codes so I cannot forget – short term memory deficiency – I always say I won’t forget but then do – many times I have forgotten – dysmemory function resorts to writing it down but effective only if I can read my own spider handwriting – if I have to ask someone else to read it why not ask them to remember in the first place?
A visual spatial gift – maybe draw to remember not drawn to remember – maybe I should go and sit under the pier to shelter from the rain – a steel boat upturned in a desert – hot and reddened with sun or age.
I wish to hear – 48 choices each of 60 – hastiness patience prevails– the pedulum swings back and forth accompanied with red dots filling in the squares that can come later – I decide to read again unveiling system warnings laced with common sense.
‘If on occasion I should behave in unexpected or undesired fashion, the user should review the configuration entered to make sure it actually makes sense’
Portsmouth November 1st -14th: 2 weeks pass – same dreams inside my head bleed through into the outside with a different angle – find myself woken – often broken – induced to swim against tide – the wrong sort of ‘leaves’ on the line – tickets accepted on ‘all other routes’ – delay of 300ms – people become the nemesis I long to avoid in both worlds but I keep coming back – 2 weeks thinking and preparing – 2 weeks difference dreaming till she arrives – contemplating not connective white matter but dark cold matters measured in Kelvin – lightyears from home.
She is coming – but today a day to analyze the clicks and thumps of magnetic charges flowing through supercooled conductors – flux – flux – flux switching on and off – reversed polarity spin – all cut looped and repeated in sequences yet slowed in pitch and fe.roc.i.ty.
Returning week 2 – silver planet resting upon the floor unmoved – seated side by side I see your fingers move back and forth – calming – returning me to a Serpentine cove safe and warm – she comes – she comes to greet me.
Accidental found works as words picked from a desk on A4 paper:
offending command: image.
We unwrap together our liberation within silver boxes – Experimentation will begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,
Triangle of light – eclipsing frequency 60 TPM
Portsmouth November 3rd: Awake before light – trains move in the distance – radio talks in high pitched voice – dreams bad again seem to be constantly hiding. Think back reminded by tweets and comments about being a child with undiagnosed aspergers – collected facts and items from a very early age – even told people about them – constant stream of people through the house I baffled with cosmology, taxonomy, airplanes and sharks – school was where the damage happened – then came hiding both of ability and difficulty for 40 years – I am not sure that this project would have happened any sooner – now I know now I know – the right time – out to the cold – wish you were here – imposed shopping – hear more relevant news in car and call as soon as am in – have to decide on the final part – decay decay attack maybe – cook taking pleasure in cutting – now to rest – no more people today – the TV tells me – don’t baby me – the trees fall – but you cant have your cake and eat it – systemize for the project required reading all evening. Make new contacts – irony of University emails apparent.
Then I remember I had felt happy yesterday for a brief moment as I forgot about my PTSD or maybe it just forgot about me?
Behind veiled curtains the system stirs
Portsmouth November 2nd: awake at 4am disappointed – dream sequences – Spend morning in-front of computer dismantling the floor at Clerkenwell re-sampling continually looking for colours that taste right – strange to be using colour so often now as a black and white thinker – rely on other senses rather than visual translations to find them – out of blue receive konfirm good news – imminent arrivals for experimentation – struggling as this is not a social or a writing sort of day at all – hide behind the barricades instead.
Awareness of the darkside – quantified self
Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth November 1st: Awake before light bad dreams – realise yesterday waking late and OK was aberration – had hoped not now need few more days to match pattern to see any change – up – make ready to catch train. Leave late in rain – ticket simple no queue – move up platform to wait ready for ‘quiet carriage – fatal mistake – soon realise this will not be quiet journey – screams shouts under disciplined – train fills at next stop no moving now – couple in front shouters well guess they have to be to hear above this row – headphones on loud but noise intrudes – about as un aspie friendly as it gets – cant write notes for meetings – close down – twitter fails at Woking – anxious – arrive at Waterloo sit and spent 25 minutes rebooting phone – head in tatters wish for reboot too? – ‘aspie-ragged’ and dread grips as I catch a packed tube to TCR – free in fresh air – spend 30 mins shop hopping for midi to pitch converter – draw blank – walk to Holborn in rain crowds bad to find bus – bus stop closed move away but bus stops there anyway so miss – next bus ok – half way angry passenger berates fellow passenger – unpleasant – off and walk back to The Arts Catalyst space – ring and in – safe. Photo floor + sandwich + cup of tea + meeting and update on project passes in to quick a flash – revived out to face traffic – none in hurry for next meeting but bus caught seems to stop at every single light – off at Waterloo bridge and weave through Southbank noting construction infront of NT and cement mixer neon – here – meeting under arch with tea and scone (part) for look about Cultural Olympiad project next stage planning – Konfirm sprung from Look About – receive gift – contraband collected very last fossil for project – waiter pirates roundabouts and expensive boots – leave – part and wait for never caught before train at 18:15 – quieter at trains end – disaster – woman who sits next to me unfurls bright ‘evil’ yellow mac and rolls it repeatedly on lap before stuffing between knees as no room in her bag – close eyes but it’s obviously still there – resigned to ‘aspie-hell till Haslemere’ – 19:09 departed relief – spread out and sift through day to start and make choices of direction and focus for Konfirm – note moon through window – off train into colder dark than London – moon and Jupiter together watch the walk home