‘Show myself some compassion’

Portsmouth: January 27th

The radio distracts PTSD so I miss the date with 5:32am – I know it will catch up with me – will be on my guard

Up late – today is my day without people the best I can – I will refuse to leave the house – I need to recharge my aspiebattery.

I will fail in part – next door will see to that but where its my call I wont

I know I will fail – so add this to rules

I need to switch off – tell this to myself looking in the mirror but artist 247 pinches me out of spite to remind me to wake up

call – disappoint my Father the first time

I cant switch off

Distraction – films on TV – bath – eat – most of all eat – eat

call – disappoint my Father the second time

been away

so need

to catch up

I am expert at putting this off but conscience grabs and shakes me – he knows predictable me – head upstairs – switch computer on – catch up from 5pm till 930pm solid without getting up – knee is killing me but I have to bare my refusal to take pain killers with a false smile – fail

finished now I need to switch off but keep writing






radiosleep is calling me home



Portsmouth – Southampton – Portsmouth: January 26th

Wake as usual – fearful of the unknown- dreams ramp up the trauma

Lay there tired with no choice but to listen to next doors children scream and stamp – after one hour i slam the wardrobe door – it falls quiet

I need quiet

I need quiet

I need quiet

not intrusion to think about the project and living

get up late – distracted – thinking about the project – debrief – direction

we eat late – thinking – distracted about the project – debrief – direction


we get ready – Southampton – Transformism opening and symposium at John Hansard Gallery – The Arts Catalyst – the commissioners of this project.

We go – fuel – thoughts – motorway – directions – park – leave – park closer – walk

bamboo grove stands out – invitingly

Arrive at same time as London coach – full gallery space filled with sounds clay and cones

Talk boundary opportunities

I am drawn by the printed masks – and text on the screen – I wish to be the new workers described in blurred periodic tables – dysarticulated computer screen complete with speaking tube – later I find the actual objects displayed like fossils in an ethnographic museum alongside books.

I listen

I read

I watch

I watch transfixed as twin virtual koi swim round an enamaled bowl

I eat – forgoing my food danger thoughts – Bread – Cheese – ham – celery – olives

I chat

I stand

I sit

I watch transfixed as twin virtual koi swim round an enameled bowl

I hug

I walk avoiding clay ball whose tracks tell stories of unintended movement

We leave the building

we are gathered to sit for the symposium – slight late start which gives me chance to draw complex diagram – we sit with familiar face from ArtSway – a reminder of shop show and flags


speakers 1-3 all mapped in geological detail

Chickens – brown meat white meat cultural destinations

Imminancy in the Pacific – wood shaving importance’s

Bio-skins by 2030 – printable shoes


finish – great day

Debrief on Cambridge – Bring up to date – arrainging – conversing


H o m e


on settee tired

with no choice but to listen

to next doors children scream and stamp

I need quiet


Warm structures

Cambridge: January 25th

wake 4:27 – way to early – PTSD must be making up the hour from the other day – no escaping sometimes – will always catch you

Up but while dressing hold of the desire to pack – neat – fill – suitcase in order till I have had breakfast – head downstairs past the ‘hum’ – Eat – Same list as yesterday – becomes the new normal – but – there is a difference – for the first time another guest talks to me?

learn – review social learning – neurotypical behaviour – its OK – pass unseen – unexpectedly – it is correct to answer back – smile – this is not not not not intrusion

Impending weather becoming the correlation – middle ground – he is finishing early to head north – I am finishing early to head south – conversation till more guests make table to table contact impossible other than semaphore.

Packing when suddenly direct idea strikes – pathways – links – need to head in asap.

Pay – conversation

Walk in – paths mostly clear – dragging case behind – Icy passing – slow down as unable to change paths here – one way only – Once passed I cross the road for the final stretch – on non icy cycle way.


Distressed I find a dead cat by the path – injured obviously – who says aspies are not emotive – he reminded me of Buster – I found him in 1997 and rang his owner – figured if I had a cat I would like to know one way or another if he was missing – she was very thankful and came to collect him – at least they knew – no collar on this one – I had to leave – walking on thinking of our ‘house’ cat at home – cant shift image – cant shift sinking feeling in pit of stomach.

Accosted by student in yellow ‘onesey’ carrying hand written Dover sign – charity escape – car stops picks her and companion up – is that safe?


work on the doc my idea has compelled me to do – clutching 12 print outs I head to room – unpack – give out – receive back – pathways chosen by others not me – I like reactions too – ask and Simon completes the circling task – all in all I will have 12 different paths – guidance from outside – I will not look at till I am rested to find the hidden patterns to absorb into the work.

Present sound work to some staff – lay out the sheets of paper – play – receive unexpected comments – all positive – seems intuition has served me well – directional – insights as to why open like a book – i desire to read more – clumsily I ask.

Share lunch with Ph.D students explaining – play – revel some of the secrets locked in to the work – safe – safe hands.

I prepare to go ahead of the incoming snow – guilt impinges at not doing the obsessional amount of hours I normally do – taxi call – goodbyes – emotional – I don’t wish to leave even though I know I will be back – taxi comes and I head to station – sad without a lamp to calm me.

Train in daylight luxury – seat – rabbits stand out oblivious against the fast snow landscape – London – tube – no personal space – invisibility – up – out – breath – here for train other-side of London – safe – in time

Usual seat empty – sit – others come – why tread on me just because you are in a hurry? – steel toed boots solve the unintended hurt – think ahead – all gone by Haslemere – last half of journey in dark solitude – to tired to think – here

cold salt air bliss








w a r m s t r u c t u r e


Chasing the pathway

Cambridge: January 24th

Wake at 5:27 – Pleased i am not forgotten – snooze. Headphones on.

Breakfast changes – more bacon more beans no egg or tomato- decide this is the new rule

Leave – Ice walk – slip twice – no falling – no conversation

Making day

Sit listen play Sit listen play

Sit listen play Sit listen play

Sit listen play Sit listen play

Collect new words during lunchtime conversation as follows:












Find one myself


stay late

walk in the dark keeping that serious face in my pocket


Sometimes my head wonders off and I think of complete nonsense

Cambridge: January 23rd

For once i miss the 5:30 wake up call being an hour late at 6:31 maybe PTSD overslept – not going to argue – not going to fall

Big day – up – was – dress – news – breakfast – have exactly same as yesterday – why change? – overheard conversation hands me blog title

Order taxi – feel guilt again at not walking in – icy and need to get there in one piece including the Sherpa style haversack packed with computer kit – no hard drive slip up – not going to fall

In – unpack – first tea – blog update I wrote last night – Simon is here – conversation

He waits for reporter

I wait for catalogue interview with one of the curators of Oxford show where an image from Look About 228 is included in their show – second tea


we chat – ins and outs of making work with AS – Outsider Artist – happy with that one – D word never mentioned – relief – things have moved on – concentrate – leave writing it down – dont want to fall interesting conversations

Break for interview with reporter





Interview goes well

A stone from Marazion beach holds my hand

Despite being very nervous at first – supported – learn about myself – do I need the paper to prove something? – only to others less understanding of my normality – times fly – leave writing it down – dont want to fall – photographs requested we enter conference room to find a studio transformation – grey background relief – made from a serious paper


chin up chin down

serious face left a bit straighten

serious face chin down left closer

serious face left right hands loose

serious face hands in pocket

chin up chin down

serious face closer tilt head left

serious face closer tilt head right

chin up chin down

chin up chin down


third cup of tea

MRI – moments – learning sequences that are watched and measured – set two I desire detail and style dates – will follow leads – present some of the made work raw back – interesting conversation

room 1 room 2 room 3 room 4 room 5 room 6 room 7 room 8

room1 small room 1 room 1 room small 1 room 1 room 1 room small 1 room 1 dot

room 8 room1 room 2 room 3 room 4 room 5 room 6 room 7

forth cup of tea

The afternoon I talk about and present some of the complexion structure and process held secret within the work to Simon – good comments back sending a flurry of new questions through my head that need an answer – historical may be’s – documenting – process explanations – finished but always come away feeling appreciated by the Interesting Conversation

I have no map – Keep going its OK

I have no map – Keep going

I have no map – Keep

I am that map

I can feel it drawing each moment symbiotically without falling