Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

‘Polished to within a millimeter of their soul’

Cambridge April 9th

Wake early after 5 am in strange room but remember that its OK – late sleeping

radio and snooze – then shower (alien to me really only do baths) dress and head down for breakfast – Breakfast has changed in the 3 months since I was last here – for the better too

Hash browns and soft scrambled egg -sausages too – set new rule and try different ‘order of things’ – as I gather I am recognised – a small ‘small talk’ chat

Its all looked on as a learning experience – Lucky – I am not spoken too by any other guest but look on at the different people without making my staring obvious (i hope) and learn more…..

finish cup of tea

finish breakfast

finished

leaving

conversations

Its not cold – sharp but not cold

I enjoy the walk although the last third is consumed by coughing – i cough when I am very nervous – i am obviously very nervous – body tells me so

Part way I gather – stop and photograph the skeleton pattern of ivy on brick wall – ghostly fossil of past life

Cough – here – enter in the familiar gates warned and watching out for loose red gravel – as the sign says…

Head in

sort stuff

19 minutes

get ready for Konfirm

I a m

R e a d y

as i will ever be

Konfirming time is 19 seconds and counting

18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,

then the waiting room call

its almost 300 minutes till I leave from the Konfirm

——————–PK———————–

Thirsty – I make tea and sit in the garden – i walk over to orchard remainders in sunshine but cold to the touch these trees just start to show blossom – irony – as I feel that myself

Sit, write a bit unsteady heady in nature – email request to show in USA unexpected but gratefully received – unable to read fully so forward…..

later after leaving I head into town for the first time – finding fossils in the shopping centre floor – ammonites and belemnites I am distracted for 26 minutes – leaving I head to the older streets suffering patterning overload all around…

———————————————

A call breaks the spell – one of OH friends lost her battle with cancer – tears flood at other end – say words of comfort but I know I am unable to stop her sadness – I sit and cover her blog for her – posted in a street of old history’s – being told by rote as tour party passes – the old and the new

Return

concern

to room

settle

sleep does not come easy as distracted by program on sleep problems

so lay

and

consider the day

knowing

excepting the change

I have learnt as a person but

importantly I have learnt secrets as to how I am an artist

Clear sky Woking – Clapham Junction cloud

Portsmouth – Cambridge April 8th

Awake early

Deliberately don’t look for a time reference

but am up by 7:30

today I return

Today is one day before K

0

n

f

i

r

m

a

t

i

o

n

Day

Useful in heart

I Spend morning

sorting

conforming with EMDR

setting the cat free

relax in water warm to the touch

for 2 hours exactly

walking to leave on

late train with 19 hours to forgo

fields sprawl against empty carriage

inviting

writing i tweet

Sun
Enveloped
In
Grey
Skilled
Cloud
Pincer
Movement
Above
Field
Of
Feeding
White
Geese
Settled
By
Dusks fall

retweets Konfirmed

sleepwalk rest of journey

gaining energy from

clear sky Woking

Clapham Junction cloud

underground

awaits with

personal space

defectors who show no mercy

or gap intending to harm

I kiss platform number 4 in relief

at emergence and board the 7:15

standing room only in the front

we

leave

despite woman dropping her

spectacle case at my feet

possibly disappointed with averting eyes

un stared conventions

lost conversations

embarrassed i watch beyond

fields sprawl against full carriage

inviting

writing

i tweet

Lush
sunset
is over
I stand
watching
Cambridgeshire
countryside
flash
past
through
a tracing
papered
powder
Pink
dusk

Retweets Konfirmed

soon we are here

escaping

through side door

i make my way along now familiar paths

relieved by lack of unsteadiness or ice

to the new room

holds

fear

here

I enter its fine settle unpack and place in order whilst all programs talk and take from me repressed moments back to university meddled with deceased politics

finally with lamp lit I find the energy to sleep ready to dream of life after KONFIRMation day

‘Systems created in refractory sand plied with plaster’

Portsmouth April 8th

Wake early – about 5:30 am and fall back to sleep straight away without reaching for the phone to check – snooze with cat perched on shoulder until alarm goes off 4 times

Preparation:

Spend part of this weekend looking through several large boxes of oddment’s that others may call them – they all formed part of a show at Pallant House gallery in 2009 – ‘Goose on the Hill’ – where I retold my life to that point in geological metaphor in the print room cases – cemented my outsider artist status…

http://www.disabilityartsonline.org/?location_id=1…

I had dug up a load of keepsakes and documents – some I had kept with me – some from my parents house – photos, mementos, tickets, books, newspaper clippings, toys – displaying them as cultural ‘Fossils’ – this show led to my London 2012 Cultural Olympiad commission ‘Look About’ – Some of these fossils were my school reports from 71, 77, 78, 79 – ancient times of need – I needed them for 2 reasons – to put on show as a Zone fossil from 1971 and 77-79 – and also to create a digital work – ‘Redacted reports’ where at the height of the MP’s expenses ‘difficulties’ they covered sections ‘of detail’ up – I covered up all the good bits of my school reports and set them to play on a digital picture frame as a new work for the show

I had to find the school reports to take to Cambridge as part of Konfirmation day so searched, luckily finding them in the first box along with the tarzan cards I obsessively collected aged six – also my cub card showing obsessive ‘badge collecting’ then how I gave up the scouts as it was too ‘Social’ for me to cope with.

They made interesting re-reading

most of the words – complain – evidently I only tried on a very limited array of self imposed specialised subjects which I excelled at but at the cost of all the others – proof of inbuilt systemizing at an early age – I didnt join in in class – I certainly didn’t show what I could do in art – I had given up and hidden after having the picture torn up in front of a class aged 11 when I spelt my name wrong – may have turned that one around now…..not the maths though- even though I love numbers and Fibonacci sequences – patterns i use in my artwork and music composition – i don’t ‘get’ algebra at all – numbers and substituted letters did not appeal to either my dyslexia or literalism

School made me who I am – I am glad of that

now we will see what happens this week

‘Distracted as the cracks grow’

Portsmouth April 6th

Wake later at 6:22am

not the good news it seems……..

i wake unfortunately with the understanding that a slight excess of cider is to blame for both sleeping in and an urgent waking need – solved but unsustainable financially and physically as long term solution….

I cant write much today – distracted by issues…….

Packing early for trip to Cambridge for a couple of days later in the week – make sure this time I remember everything that I need – tie some loose ends up – new questions – over seeing structures i need to impose – hoping it may even rival the warmest days I have spent there before – Will be good to be able to walk from hotel to the Autism Research Centre without the worry of falling over on slippy pavements – also there is food – sleeping at hotels – what you leave behind…..

All these practicalities you don’t factor in to ‘being the artist’ unless you ‘live it’ as your practice 24/7.

Manage a glance of my reflection

this time its different

a dual purpose

Konfirmation

papers

In my dreams I play the artist in a time of autisterity

Portsmouth April 5th

Wake at 3:22 am with unwelcome start – PTSD has readjusted to time change with just a weeks difficulty – now its same as before – seems impossible – dreams becoming unhelpfully erotic – I play the artist even within mine and others nightmares

my autist avatar spins – whispers only 3 whole days to go

5:13 am create a short list of Komforting words

Kontext

Kontour

Konsort

Komfort

Konnote

Konverter

Konnective

Konsistency

Konsecution

Konterminous

Konvealescent

They move and rearrange to say only 3 whole days to go

Sleep in till 8:47 in the arms of the radio – wake – to missile movements – announcements – swim in shallow water – clothing – container failure – walk against cold headwind – acting with unskilled demeanour of consistantly looking downwards

In the cracks of pavements I see written only 3 whole days to go

Needing to face computer – Postcard 4 artwork needs to be drawn and printed – final – ready to take – Cambridge – distributed – reminders of fresh paint on cardboard – outsiders articles

Between the lines on the page are hidden only 3 whole days to go

Rewrite yesterdays poem for the reverse

one

quiet

Konfirmation day

you

will

come and see

torn detail

across

carved wood

gathered

sympathetic

with many others

as we are written within

forming trees

high

all encompassing forests

fall
with those who labour

to systemize me

Autistic assemblages – finish – email – walk looking at the rain – patterns etched against the grey – connecting in lighter lines instantly – here and there – arrive to welcomes – printing as we speak of migrating sand dunes and words scratched into sand at Christmas – cuts number 6 plus one – wrapped and ready to walk home

Pushed content, images from the back of my head, reminders of only 3 whole days to go

Return to desk then studio 21 – clean – move – rearrange – write – research – finished – walk home without looking down – no reminders watching – home with same sequences consorting to remind me

there are only 3 whole days to go

—————– hiatus ———————

Alternation written from the other side

http://tellmeagainwhat.blogspot.co.uk/

—————– hiatus ———————