‘Distressed – I sit for a while with a fallen tree and keep her company’ part 2

Portsmouth October 29th

The second of 5 ‘catching up’ posts documenting the conversation and encounters on the next stage of the ‘Konfirm’ journey leading up to premier of play and start of ‘Konfirm 2’ which will then be a new blog later in 2014

‘Waking I want to scream’

Tuesday October 15th

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

Awake at 4 – getting to be predictable and tiring again – snooze for a couple of hours before the alarm but don’t rise till after eight and bathe, dress and leave for a meeting where I find solutions slip past quickly and completely without challenge – bemused at this sudden creative flow I leave for home again to work on the computer and prepare.

Train – the usual stops pass with friendship and inaction bar the last:






London Waterloo

Then a short walk thru ‘The Cut’ (a not so welcome name to dwell on) to the Young Vic Theatre – an easy 4 minutes – becoming early I choose that familiar table I had met and briefly sat with Peter Brook and MHE a month or so before – relieved i find it is unchanged.

I wait but not for long – long enough to weigh the situation – watch people and discover – then out the blue a smiled greeting – meeting –


soon I hear that

‘We are Luminous’

I like the ‘we’

I feel included

so at 3 we sit

and we gather

I have forgotten my ‘friend’ I feel alone because

he offers me his – I decline in a

1. Moments of choice

2. She’s not there

3. Strange balance

4. Construction time

5. Layers keep me going

6. Heaven of finding

7. Globe

8. In tune

9. Dendroculmnus

but six arrives too soon – we part

I walk fast

to Guys Hospital

the conversation



Arriving I see her there – temporarily pinned to the wall – I am unable to return her gaze still – beautiful creature conjured with pen so long ago – now on show

Greeted I am asked to say a few words at the opening ceremony out of the blue – I agree and do so when called upon – my introduction to the crowd turning my face red inside – I talk – I make people cry with my words for the second time today flowing unexpectedly.

Afterwards I am disguised with ‘social’ and chat to the Q of people – encouraging to ‘draw in biro’ and ‘never stop drawing what you want to’ – many conversations again – I learn more

After I have run out of words – today’s allotment extinguished I realize soon its time to run for the train

I find myself on the same route back to Waterloo past the Theatre along the ‘Cut’ and once boarded the usual stops pass with friendship and inaction bar the last

the last

at last


‘Distressed – I sit for a while with a fallen tree and keep her company’

Portsmouth October 29th

I’ve not been able to put pen to paper (well type) for a few months now on either blog – an abundance of imposed fears have held me by the throat promising me I will be better tomorrow ‘you can write then’ but always letting me down with a broken promise 24 hours later.

These next few posts are a catch up in brief on some selected moments of that ‘missing’ time on a new project that has grown from ‘Konfirm’ project’ Not as such visual arts but self examinations of thought and spaces.

October 14th Portsmouth

Hard to break free this morning – I have to let go of the tiredness that ‘not sleeping’ has laid round my shoulders – gradually this has crept up again – but – today is the first of 3 days with an actor from the forthcoming project – we have been trying to meet a few weeks now and he has had to go to Germany – he was in London briefly a few weeks ago but flu had riddled me with distractions.

We both have emailed images and looked each other up on line so as not to walk past each other – I doubt that – he is to visit me first – he wants to meet and see what who I am – the synaesthesia – the aspergers – the autism – how does that effect ‘me’ and the work I do?

How free

do I be

with me?

answers – a choice – all or nothing – but this series of conversation and encounter are to inform not cover up so settle on all – braving any misrepresentation with an echo of safe

Meetings at the University first – encouraging meetings about ‘Autism and Art’ – its questions flood and force me with an urgency to find answers – then I walk to the central station early – he’s already text a successful train catching so I’m just waiting now for ‘miles’ to be covered

I loiter


of barrier

wait – Train in – wait – and he walks down the stairs – we catch eye straight away and after passing the barriers we greet

we walk to find a space to sit and talk and end up in the Guildhall tea shop – relatively quiet at that time

Then I let him choose a stone – to carry – to stim – an integral and steady friend – he chooses the one I had in mind for him

A short List of conversational words found in stirred shared Tea

1. Theatre sleep

2. The Ice man

3. Eye cultures

4. Wink

5. Action beliefs

6. See the unseen

7. Knees & swept

8. Restrain

9. A December home

The time heads without a colour grey with formed surfaces as the lunchtime crew enters raising the sonic level to unacceptable so we leave – we head to get something to eat at another popular lunchtime venue but after



pays off

she is empty

we eat



and continue


we compare notes between mouthful

1. Mnemonism

2. Improvisationism

3. Mundanism

4. Parallelism

5. Permissionism

6. Autism

7. Ordinaryism

8. Absurdism

time to go

walk patiently to the station by screen under arch last snatched conversation – all now in the laps of the gods after goodbye


found on parting

i am tired

we have been

talking six hours

I leave for home – walking slow in the sun thinking of the phrase – ‘Included eyes’

I feel still


‘August is leaving’


29th August 2013

Unfortunately wake unwell

so am not as quick as I would wish




cotton wool


my head

in obscured


of seeing




not yet



So I have finally caught up – sitting all day with wood balanced on the bed and netbook open on top – there are more images needed adding but although nearly completed it will be added too.

Officially the project ends Saturday but as there are exciting strands now carrying on I will be posting as they happen

I am sad August is leaving but not at its passing


The video artwork made for the project:

Grey 1 and 2 is online at


and the sound works from fMRI noise here




‘The building that tastes of spiders’

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

28th August 2013

Today I feel able to write Augusts’ blog posts – its harder to put finger to key beyond the event but time touching and twitter poetry reminds me and brings me back to that place.

I spent an intense morning on the computer – a mix of spoken word and keystroke correction finishing at lunchtime – half way through – ready myself for a London dash.

Train – not a usual seat but its not full (afternoon) I can work at a table without feeling hemmed in. It gets uncomfortable at Petersfield as a reptilian woman starts to bite into my NC headphones sanctuary – touch and go – reach for volume control – think – potential project because not despite aspergers

last off train as per usual

Walk in the sun over Westminster Bridge to Portcullis House – As soon as I see it they start – spiders in my mouth – inside I’m OK – ‘life in a tray’ I am screened and awaited

look ahead

A short meeting senses list:

Smell of faint chlorine

Smell of rich earth

Diet coke and paper cup

A good meeting

I walk away from the meeting better informed – now I can feel the project – its shapes forming between my fingers – I love this stage of development as it starts to click – think all way home on an earlier train than expected

Hexagons make an appearance and are captured as I write and tweet before the dead zone on the returning train

Travel Train

travel faster

seated backwards

the known

as usual

flys by



held both hands

fragile forming

project now



Usefulness is the key

‘Day Sixteen’


25th August 2013

Still in a blur

Nearing end of short break and a very difficult month now. Although I am still not well – I recognise this now so will be easy on myself – I can see that maybe August is leaving a different shape than when it first appeared – one more week to test the theory.

Some emails fly this weekend – I play with patterns and take time to think about my synaesthesia

I ask OH if numbers are different sizes to their value and have personality – I am stared at – no – you can say the oddest things and expect to get away with it – comes the polite version of her reply

So there we go what I always thought as of as natural experience is another ‘variation’ of my view of the world – Number personification synaesthesia as well as object personification – never questioned it – some are better friendlier than others – maybe that’s why I can only add subtract and multiply – not well in my head as they have connotations outside of their remit

Its made me think – the found objects I use for working with or the stones I collect as friends etc – the imbued personality I place over an objects isn’t ‘reading’ their actual personality but my minds eye view superimposed? Its not a psychic ability but I know it feels more realistic than ‘reading’ people? I am unable to read people

both are part of artist 247

aspergers + synaesthesia

More self directed research needed – this is the next avenue of my neuroscience investigation – internet open – questions ready

Cast ashore

I am awakened

From deaths sleep

By single kiss

Her lips leave mine

Linger Unfurled

With bitter mortal words

Leaving me no rest