It has been a long time since my last blog update, and so much has changed that I wouldn’t know how to catch up! I thought I would post about a recent work…..
Thoughts / thought process into development of It Doesn’t Fit Anymore. March 2016.
I have been thinking about the tension in my practise as a result of the different roles I have in my life.
The insecurities I have in my practise: The questions asked of me: whats the point? How do you make money and provide doing that? Hasn’t it all been done before?
As a mother I have worries that I am spending too much time away from my children. Then there are the limitations I put in the way of what I do because I worry that the kids will get embarrassed. Their friends have internet access: what if they google me and see footage of me doing challenging art works and ten bully my children because of it. How do I maintain integrity and free exploration whilst protecting my children?
I am also a wife who has come from a normal average home life to one that is now growing and changing and evolving through the growth of the art related aspect of myself. I have a husband who feels like he is being left behind and is losing touch with who I am. How do I make sure that the challenges that come with a marriage don’t limit how far I push myself?
I felt frustrated with these imposed perceptions of what I should be.
How can I challenge this? I feel like I get caged in by my worries of what other people think I should be doing. I am aware that each element of the cage strengthens another. The worries in relation to my mum role then limit my exploration. If I dare to push myself I can feel restricted / challenged in my marriage. But I feel deep down that my practise is not some thing I choose to do. It is part of me. And growing and exploring and pushing boundaries is important in every part of who I am to be able to feel content with who I am. This mental restriction feels very physical though as I feel restrained and contained. I literally feel that I want to smash through the compartments of my life and just be.
So…how do I make this visible……?
I feel like I want to get physical. I want to physically exorcise these inhibitors out of my head. I want to use my body to feel I am breaking/ smashing boundaries.
Making use of objects as symbols:
It may be illustrative and obvious, but I feel that smashing up a domestic object could be both exciting, and cathartic, whilst also providing something visually interesting. Thinking about Andre Stitt’s description of ‘Install-action’ -I feel that this could provide an interesting range of traces and remains.
I also think that wearing my wedding dress could be interesting. It is the uniform for the happy wife. The costume for the ritual where you sign up for domestic life. You are taught as a little girl to fantasise about wearing this dress to enter the world of domesticity and that that is where happiness lies. Well, when I was little anyway!
It seems ironic that the dress is way too small- This makes me laugh, because I feel like I don’t fit into these roles anymore anyway. I have grown, both physically and mentally- so I am too big!!
The ridiculousness of me fighting against the weight of the dress seems poetic… it seems to illustrate the difficulty in negotiating my roles; the weight that I am carrying mentally is illustrated by the weight of the dress. It is slightly humiliating to be exposed as being to big, just like taking risks that sometimes fail. Humiliation can often be a part of it. The sledgehammer- not a tool for a woman-( my husband was concerned that it was too heavy for me!) became my tool for destruction, and through that liberation. I am taken back to Smash It Up, and what they taught me about destruction as liberation and creation.
I feel like something has shifted. I feel like I have stamped my foot down and committed to myself….my practise… me. To who I am. And in doing so I hope that I will not be an embarrassment to my children, but an illustration that you should unashamedly be yourself, without apology. That to make a fool out of yourself is fine…as long as it is with reason. That sometimes, you have to not take yourself serious when dealing with issues that feel serious. That humour can be a way in. (Am I talking to my children now… or me?!?)