in whispered corners they speak of the scrum, they speak of the pressure, the contact and the intensity.

to the right the blues, to the left the reds. they’ve been locked in pressured momentum waiting for something to be put in from the outside. convention dictates that the pressure pre put in is balanced, measured and controlled.

the hookers arm gestures and the push begins.

what then happens is something that one really needs to be involved with to be able to write about and understand it.

in the last few days i’ve experienced the scrummage at readiness in my mind. to one side the pre-application, to the other the ma interview result.

last night the whistle blew as one side pulled the scrum down prior to the ball being introduced. with it collapsing the aftermath provided me with something new to consider.

today the reds and the blues ready themselves to line up again, prior to the the invitation to touch.

as they set to engage again i can only hope that the pressure i’ve experienced in the last few days is less intense and sometime soon a piece of news is put into the middle for me to try and move forward with again.


if i were a runner in training for an endurance event like a 10k road race, my preparations would regularly break my muscles by exercising them as they get stronger through the process of repair and rebuilding.

after i came out of today’s meeting i felt broken and torn apart. i found a place in the sun to drink coffee and start to repair myself.

during the meeting i noted that questions not asked of me everyday are really difficult to answer and a place in which to talk about this would be most welcome. i hope to be going to Birmingham in the next few weeks to be able to do this.

this evening i feel tired after exercising.

this evening in this moment the thought of running the 10k is the last thing i want to do.

i do wonder if in the meeting my talking about a 10k was actually pushed to be a half marathon and i simply wasn’t ready for the extra effort required.

have i pushed myself or actually been pushed a little too far?

time is needed to be able to answer that.

and in healing, will i be stronger?

do i give into the feeling that i’m very ordinary.


i’ve been looking at a 10k not a 5k. it is after all about ambition.

so is my skill up to my ambition?

do i just want to project manage something or is it really about realising an artistic vision? (even thought this afternoon i couldn’t simply answer that question… about what is my artistic vision.)

more questions that time is required to answer.

i accept and acknowledge that i’ve practiced hard today and as a result of that should be curled up with some moving image and a beer, as i have no capacity left today to do anything else.

perhaps endurance running and artist practices aren’t so far apart.

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while getting changed from a swim, i dropped some change on the floor. from the next cubicle i heard

“oh wow my lucky day.”

there were many things i could do from that point. i chose to continue in my changing activity.

in coming to the application process, i again engage with many little things that i wouldn’t normally choose of want to be near. i accept that these reservations are within my world and the process is fair and open.

i accept that along the way there will be times when what i want to do is not liked by another. at those points i accept that i will have to place an argument on the table with which the objection can be over come or alternatively take on board what is being said and allow the objection to evolve my course.

recently i have had some days of doubt. i talked of this before and know that it is all part of the process. in seeing the doubt, the courage to continue rises and another new head of momentum is built with which to push forward to the goal.

thank you to the makers of borgen and the six nations championship for my current sources of driving momentum.


a bastian of darts will encourage the dart player to “beat up” his opponent. the summariser of a 6 nations rugby match will say the same.

a policeman when talking of the qualities needed in volunteer stewards at a public event will say “robustness”.

a racer in the motogp series will speak of good set up, good feel and good rythymn to achieve their best time on track.

and what of the artist ?

three years ago the process of applying to the arts council for funds to complete a project was little known to me. i’ve done that particlular lap once now and have a base setting on which to attempt another.

in beginning of the second, i know that i need to consider risk, time, people, me, and most importantly what’s it all about…?

in pre-planning my application, what language to i adopt? i’ll need to speak with nearly 10 people in completing it. all of them different. i want to use some sort of race track analogy but that’s taking that particular one a little too far. it’s simply that i know that the more people i can talk to the broader my outlook about the project.

the important thing is that i prepare myself fully in what the project is and why i’m attempting it, although why i’m attempting it isn’t really one of the questions i’ll be faced with. it’s not like i’m applying for a position on an ma.

my language choice in conversations will be varied and i recognise that part of the skill required is to be able to understand many langauges when making the application.

from a practical point of view i’m tracking the date 114 days from today’s date and starting to collate the evidence, schedule and funding requirements for the project.

second time round, the process of compiling all the information is still daunting but it’s so much easier than the first time.

i approach a period of emailing, appointment making and talks.

and finally another note to self : be robust in my belief about myself and not beat myself up when i get tired and it all feels too much. take time to set the project up well and this will lead to a good feeling .

i so love sport for it’s language.