I read the entry from may. without holding the feelings I had when I wrote them, the words take on a new appearance. The words are a little bizarre – I’m reading them like they were written by someone else.
I consider a cloakroom where I check in my emotions before starting to write. I imagine a ticket number associated with the check in. I toy with blog titles.
Now seemingly with emotions checked in I have nothing immediately to write.
An idea for a title.
Arrived at through a process of thinking. Again having checked in – nothing more to write.
More thinking – more emotions developed – more words written – the attempt to plot the process, as a means of recording, understanding, arriving at meaning . To have something to check in.
Unpicking the subsequent actions of why and implications of checking in.
Intellectually attempting to assess if the checking in is worthy and good enough when lined up against other known about works I believe to be held in high esteem. Wanting what I’ve done to be held in high esteem. Realising being held in high esteem is something I feel I need. Intellectually this being about the needs of my small fragile boy self – unashamedly emotionally connecting to wanting to feel being praised for little things – any thing – years and years and years after the opportunity to be praised.
I want something I can never have and can never talk about.
I check in another emotion.
I’ve questioned – I say questioned , it’s been a process of internal questioning of why the creation of expression is so wholly based upon intellect. Why are art works – those in particular that go into becoming the ones undergraduates consider and TV programmes are made about – why are they based upon intellect?
I write that and my perception of the reader becomes one about the reader being dismissive of my previous questiin because of its statement and question based on nothing other than myself and my perception. Did you dismiss it ?
Eight hours later I add this
There’s every chance I’ve been drawn into making creative expression …. Time out here please…..
I’m attempting to be authentic. I”m attempting to get closer to understanding myself and why I try to make / create.
There’s a strong suspicion by myself that the need I sense in me to make something quickly is linked to the fluid and dynamic nature of my emotions.
There is a suspicion arrived at by myself of myself that as a child I felt things deeply and was unable to share or discuss because I lived in an environment where this wasn’t demonstrated or encouraged. As a result I used my thinking as a means to regulate what I felt about things. This is backed up by my memory of my liking of the spock character in star trek – the character used pure logic to understand and negotiate situations .
Bringing this into now – I feel a dilemma when my thoughts turn to exploring more deeply the what is it I want to say question.
This makes sense to me as I’m drawn to making work for others – and I’m getting on ok with this.
I need to insert a picture or something here as a clue to there being a shift in thought about to happen.
I’d like to try to explain out loud what happens – or actually is happening while I try to develop my artistic practice. I can feel what it is I need to do based on all the practice and taking note of what is said by others on the subject of making art.
Art can be anything I want it to be. The problem with this is the reaction of others.
Let me develop my thought here.
Art can be anything I want it to be. What becomes important after the completion is the back story as this is an integral part of the work.
I check in with myself to stop the waffle.
Intellectually I have a problem. I”m too ready to present something that is based upon response to a feeling.
Checking in again.
I need a ( word ) .
There would have been an attempt to describe conditions for realising a work.
I’m returning to my want to try to express something. In expressing it I’ll be working out the way to express something that is internal – a sense of feeling about myself.
Check in again.
The check in are reassures for myself about in wanting to think do or feel about myself there isn’t going to be an external consequence. I’m not at threat as a result of wanting to share something inately inexpressible – a feeling.
Leads to what is a feeling .
There’s another opportunity to place a picture or something here as I want to develop my thinking a bit more and need a visual punctuator to lead you somewhere else.
Nearly 24 hours since the first words were written for this post.
Now nearly fully recovered from working on a museum sleepover, I’ve read my words and see how the comprehensiveness of them come into focus over time.
Keeping the waffle to a minimum I’m aware of how I need to do some things a little differently in the coming months to help my continuing evolution as a person.
I’m aware how I need a .
Sorry I’ve had to stop a moment and take a breath.
What I’m trying to do might actually be best as a drawing – to get out an expression of the things I feel, the things I want to do – leading my thinking someone I’ve not been before.
Another picture please – maybe a repeat of one from the quad thing in September.
An email has arrived from East Midlands contemporary visual arts network telling me how the crit day in September has become the artists peer networking group in June. I can share with you how back in September while I shared about my practice we covered the corridor arts peer to peer meetings we started back in 2012. Today I smile and resist the temptation to view this new group as a copy of something we have done. It’s ok if it as most of the stuff we started as corridor has been copied in one way or another. #flattery
Coming up to 48 hours after the first words were written in this post. Still I’m catching up with sleep after I worked Saturday through Sunday at the museum – a sleep over – a night at the museum.
Physically and mentally I feel below where I would normally expect to be at this time on a Wednesday.
The sleep deprivation affecting my mood and inclination to write – it’s like I’ve taken a massive dose of truth serum. The feelings I have influencing what I write.
In amongst all the confusion I sense a place in me where I’ve collected the things together that I want to concentrate on for the next few months.
I’m beginning to imagine a mind map – one that is the result of drawing and editting , rather than the get everything down version I did last month .
Have I mentioned the job application I have in at the moment ? Probably not actually. Yes I’ve applied for a role at derby museums and await any reply.
The problems we’ve been having with our neighbours does feel like something I’ve mentioned. Both my partner and I are starting to live with an unhappy acceptance of the way things are. Time once again will tell.
My smartphone has been the place where I”be written this and looking at the paragraphs I have a hunch when I copy into the blogging platform it’ll look much shorter than now.
Perhaps an image here as I need to alter the track of the post a bit
I have a need to feel that in my artist practice I am progressing. To do this I feel the need to set a goal – at least one – and set to working to it and most importantly achieve it. Like a slow Mo shot in a film where the character walks calmly through the slow Mo carnage around them . Yes I want to feel heroic.
Coming back to the beginning ( yes a bridge reference ) there is the title of this blog – scope to play.
I take time to consider.
There’s realisation of being tight as opposed to loose. A need to set out the boundaries of my okay so I can safely be at one with my practice knowing where and what to explore.
A sense of being able to fail – safely – waving over me.
A smile appears on my face as the realisation of this post being a post my way .
My tiredness has
I’ll not finish that sentence.
About 60 hours after beginning this post and after food I’m feeling a lot more whole than I have done for the last 60 hours.
A diary of 60 hours of tiredness or how my feelings lead my thinking … This post has become something like what I’ve not attempted before. What it is I’m attempting – I hadn’t had prior foresight other than I wanted to add a post in June.
Another picture here please .
Now Wednesday evening about 10pm, the post began Monday morning after reading the previous last post . In that time I have regained my waking self after working on the sleep over at derby museum. It’s taken to this evening to feel free from the effects of the late night, early morning .
What a morning it was. Aspects of the building being lit in unfamiliar ways by the early morning sunshine. Looking out of the first floor window and seeing the staff of the derby ramathon setting and checking the route. Later while sat waiting for the bus to take me home I would witness the lead group of the race go past the bus station at an alarming rate.
72 hours past those initial words after reviewing my post from may – i still juggle review and reflect as words that seem interchangeable yet deep down I know they are not the same.
The haze of tiredness as nearly fully cleared, simply a bit of mist this morning as I wake up.