sitting at our dining table i find myself staring out the window at a scene of slowly fading light with becoming brighter moon. what leaves are left on the trees wave at me like they are all vying for my attention before they start their descending journey.
i sense the horizon line is becoming redder and the yellower leaves on the willow dome accent against the fast becoming blackened background.
i pause to turn the light on – its one of those low energy bulbs so it takes a few minutes to get up to full brightness.
returning from topping up my mug of tea the keyboard has re-appeared. the scene is set for my work here to commence.
i’ve added a post to the non linear blog about my experience with the internet enabled symposium appearance in australia. what i didn’t say in that post was how i amused myself by pulling faces at myself in the web cam feed. in the non shared symposium space no one can see you smile.
in my recent blogs i’ve not so far included any references to my partner’s ma. its in fine art and being around her research and workings out of what she wants to say and how to say it it has got me thinking about something that otherwise would be missing my from current set of thoughts.
i witness how she is being invited to delve deeper into her practice, her thinking and her knowledge. the last of course being bolstered by the diet of books i watch her gorging on. it gets me thnking about my own practice and how might i … or where do i fit into the bigger scheme of things art world related.
this might be uncomfortable for me as the notion of having to gorge on books in a search for knowledge and enlightenment is something that i know would be really difficult for me to do.
the side of myself that requires acknowledgement and peer admiration looks towards the notion of ma as a means to get this into my life.
earlier this week i explored the findings about my grandfather on my dad’s side. he was a field ambulance man in the first world world. he was dead by the time i was born and during his lifetime i don’t think i ever heard my father talk about his father. as a family growing up we seemed to have missed the memo about its ok to talk and share the family story.
during my sharing of the grandfather revelation i touched upon feelings that i later came to realise were feelings of disappointment in my family for not being prouder about our storey. this sense of under valuing and not being sure sometimes eats away even now at my confidence within my practice. i think it is at least for this one reason that my notion to play is sourced.
from play can coming learning. for me i can learn about myself, my family story maybe having sailed sometime ago. this is at least true on my dad’s side of the family – he was an only child. on my mum’s side i am in contact with one auntie still. might it be possible to undo years on non story telling.
again is this where part of my practice is sourced from ? the nature of non linear story telling making the whole thing slightly easier to handle.
reviewing what i have written about feelings about family i connect with a sense of loss of not being able to share what i do with them.