Simulacra And Simulations

Sophie Cullinan’s query about Arts Council funding – why don’t I apply?? I’ve applied several times, only to be rejected, and you know the phrase, once bitten, twice shy?? This is my career. This is my only chance to earn a livelihood. It’s the only thing I love doing and am good at doing. Everything else I’ve ever done as a compromise has always ended up as more of a failure than anything I ever do creatively. The shitty waitress job I had after college, where I met a man so abusive that I ended up becoming a single parent in the first place. “Go and get a real job”. If it means being forced to work in a menial job with people that I’d be better off having never encountered in my entire life, then I’ll stick with this one thanks. This is my real job. I put my heart and soul into it. So for those that should fund my proper job to deny me that chance just completely baffles me, and kind of reminds me of when my ex husband used to ask for money from me for things he didn’t need, and leaving us short for the bills. Financial abuse, it’s called, but no one seems to have done anything to stop it from happening. Arts Council funding is like a huge dangled carrot. Something that if I ever achieve would be a miracle. But I’m glad someone else has noticed what’s going on. This article expresses exactly my frustrations http://new.a-n.co.uk/news/single/let-them-eat-buildings

To the question of arts council funding I still ask: Why won’t anyone pay me to do my job(s)?

Yep, they’re definitely coming after me, so I really do need a salaried arts job by April now, otherwise I’m not going to survive what hell they have in store http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2013/jan/21/universal-credit-benefits-work-longer?CMP=twt_gu

I really don’t want to have to deal with the Jobcentre ever again after what they did to me before, they were evil under Labour, I can’t imagine they’ll be any better now.

You try looking for work whilst being evicted due to DWP mistakes, and grieving for your father. The graphic novel I’m currently working on explicitly deals with these very events. It’s like Drooker’s Flood only about three times worse at least.

But I’m still waiting to have the opportunity to discuss the open space funding proposal I’ve applied for. I’ve been researching some other funding options, as I have to keep applying, even though it seems futile even bothering.

Just to prove I’ve still been working (and not shirking) on my graphic novel, here’s the latest pages: http://blackbirds-birdhouse.blogspot.co.uk/

although I had to take a break for a while when the scanner stopped working, and I thought I’d fixed my broken graphics tablet, but I’m not sure, so it’s taking longer to edit. I looked into starting a Kickstarter funding pitch, and it wouldn’t let me upload an image, never mind a video, so in the mean time, I’ve been updating my portfolio for a potential trip to London for the private view of an exhibition at a gallery where I’ve been invited to meet the photographer (possibly) and there might be some commissions.

If I can get some funding sorted by the end of this month, then I can go for that without worrying about my distinct lack of money. The other issue is that it’s on a school night, so the logistical organisation of this kind of visit is like edging along a deep icy chasm without losing your footing. So many times I’ve gone out of my way, gone out on a limb to do something because I felt it had the potential to bring back something in return, and so many times I’ve been left out of pocket in some way. I can no longer afford to do that.

So if anyone has any suggestions that are useful, or ways I can be paid for the work I do, or ways to avoid having to deal with the Jobcentre (which in my view means earning sufficient salary to never have to go near them ever again) then I’d like to know.

I’m not any less angry that my fear for the year, and abject terror that I may, without having voted for the idiots in power, become a victim of their evil policies, despite my own objections to them, despite my attempts to thwart them in whatever way I can, despite the ranting, the protests, the debates; that by trying to continue regardless, remaining hopeful in seemingly hopeless circumstances – I’m no less angry that the loss I’ve just filed on my tax return has been a seeming source of comfort to others. Please do not make the mistake of imagining for one minute that I have a massive income. I don’t at all. I’m as angry as The Artist Taxi Driver, but while he’s ranting about it, I’m trying to think of ways to fight back. But I have no idea how. We’re talking about a gaslighting government here.

This is what I would be doing if I was paid http://www.dontpaniconline.com/magazine/radar/the-…

It isn’t as if I’ve been doing nothing. I’m still illustrating my graphic novel.

I have a couple of opportunities coming up that will be excellent, but that involve more expense. Namely travel.

I need to get down to Brighton. I’ve been offered free accommodation with friends to go for an event that is relative to my practice. Train tickets are beyond my budget – not paying over £100 even with a friends and family railcard!

I would gladly carshare / offer petrol money, but I don’t know anyone going down to Brighton from Lincoln that day!

I’m also planning to go down to London to speak to a gallerist and meet a photographer whose work is exhibited there next month, and attend a private view for his exhibition. It’s a weekday, which is hard for me as a single parent. Private views on school nights are patriarchal. I can go to local ones, but any elsewhere become an epic journey into Mordor just to even attend. I can’t always rely on Mum to babysit for me, she has to get time off work and then commute an hour’s drive.

I can go down for this, but I’ll have to get the train back to Lincoln that same evening or risk being stranded in London, and the cost of train tickets from Lincoln are ridiculous. At this time of the year when you’re trying to keep your costs down, it’s just not viable that they’re going up.

The odds are stacking up even more against me, and I don’t feel as though all my best efforts are paying off as much as I wish they would. I dearly wish there was an artists’ train ticket, that made it so that if I sit and draw passengers on journeys, that pays for my travel. That would be one less headache for all of us, wouldn’t it? I thought about it. if I illustrate a train ticket, that ticket is worth more than a printed one already.

I have a confession to make to you all. All this time I’ve tried to pretend that I’m successful in some way. In the hope that someone will recognise all my efforts and offer me some proper paid work. In reality I’ve been papering over the cracks of my failed career. This is how it feels.

http://helend-blackbird.blogspot.co.uk/

I started the New Year of 2013 with a sense of optimism that the proposed paid position as University staff will happen, and preferably sooner, rather than later, as a lone parent reliant on Tax Credits etc, if the government are planning their social cleansing programme, then I will need proper paid work in order to survive, and if I disappear from this blog in a few months’ time, it’ll be because I can no longer subsidise my practice, am struggling to survive, and everyone that has read this, and knows that I’m desperate for paid work has just sat by and wrung their hands, like many ordinary Germans did when Hitler appeared.

Speaking of Hitler, and Nazi Germany, I was asked to do a meter reading by British Gas, so I decided to illustrate this and invoice them for my trouble. Something tells me they won’t reduce my gas bill in lieu of this, but I will try.

I’ll try not to worry, but things just keep on getting worse. I really hope they don’t, I really hope that this year fulfills its promise, and I’ll finally earn a living salary, then I won’t have to worry about cuts. I’m thinking of writing to HMRC and asking where my bonus is, seeing as I’ve failed, and failing warrants a huge bonus.