“Let go of the past… If other people have wronged you, let go of resentment… In letting go of your negativity, you will give yourself a gift – you will be amazed at the amount of energy forgiveness frees up”
Julia Cameron, from ‘The Prosperous Heart’
Before I tell the story of my alleged Deception, I wanted to begin with the end in mind.
I just want to get over it and get on with it – with my work especially.
My purpose in writing this blog is to share and process the story and my feelings – to explore and face what I allowed to happen in 18 months between me and my new internet friend – and ultimately to stop letting it bother me, as it has done for the 18 months since – and to move on.
“Admit how we feel – then our emotions become fluid enough to change…”
Feelings? Yes, I’d like to transform them – I want to get over the initial shock and confusion, and the hurt and the anger and fear … and the subsequent rage and negativity and blame which then morphed into feelings of helplessness and procrastination and then even apathy, an emotion I rarely experience.
And the Resentment, of course. Huge resentment at having being conned, at being termed a ‘victim’ by the CID officer dealing with my case and at realising that if indeed I really had been the victim of a Deception, then I’d also been ‘groomed’ for over 6 months, then worked for 12 more, then dropped like a stone, a nothing of no consequence, discarded in a moment by a person I’d come to really trust.
It all seemed so brutal and so unjust, especially since this was all done so expertly that none of it can be proved as a Deception, even though I have an email trail of 149 correspondences, skype recordings of approximately 8 hours of our conversations, FedEx receipts, an inventory of works – no amount of this has helped prove any crime has actually been committed. Cameron’s been there too;
“There are few emotions as uncomfortable as resentment. We drink the poison and then wait for the other person to die… we aren’t just suffering the moment of attack, we are reliving that moment over and over – we are caught in an obsession.”
So, how do you move on from being stuck in a dark loop of resentment and anger when someone has wronged you?
Cameron’s advice is simple. Forgive the person who wronged you.
Bless them, wish them well, even pray for them if you feel inclined. Easier said than done? Yes, I met huge Resistance in myself at first to even the idea of this, but I read on and then actually tried it over the weekend. It was, surprisingly, much easier than I thought it would be. Bless her, bless her, Bless Her…
- I actually quite admire how artfully she (allegedly) tricked me, Bless Her
- I appreciate with gratitude how she got me to believe in my work and in myself wholeheartedly for whole year and spend more time making work in the studio than talking or dreaming about finding the time/money/other excuse to do so, Bless Her
- I genuinely smile when I think how all she did really was play a game with my desires – ambition, vanity, greed (for which of course I’ve also had to forgive myself). Bless Her
“Always, one hundred percent of the time, when we are stuck in resentment, we are avoiding ourselves. There is always a productive action lurking nearby, waiting patiently for us to take it…”
So true, as it turns out! After I (genuinely) blessed her, and surprised myself that I could do it even at all, I went downstairs to check my email, and within the hour found myself writing an artist’s residency application. I sent it off that evening and today received a reply with an offer of a place in January 2016. Bless everyone!
I’m not saying I wouldn’t have done that anyway, it just felt lighter to know I’m actually getting on with things, not wasting time mulling on the Wrong.
“Negativity is always a front for Fear, and Compassion will always dismantle it…”