i woke this morning, checked my emails and a feeling of excitement rolled over me like a gentle wave on a summers evening.
it’s the last day of 2014.
i’ve had an interesting history with last days. while still living at home i quite often had last days of a theatrical production, culminating in a last night, a get out and a party. those last nights filled me with sadness as the group i was in was coming to a close.
while at drama college i can’t remember a similar last night trauma, possibly because when one production closed it meant we’d move onto another. i see a continuation there…
the only traumatic thing i can recall right now was on a first night. the name of the play eludes me but it began with a shooting in the drawing room. the scene change reverses the room by 180 dgrees and for the rest of the script the who did it is slowly revealed. the script required a prop to emulate the result of the shooting and my part in the 180 degree scene change was to clean the wall. on the first night we did the change and there was no debris to clean up. i think we were amazed and possibly giggled a lot !
in considering other projects i’ve been involved with that came to an end, one that jumps out was my 30 days in geneva. we worked everyday. when i got to go home it was like a dream, i couldn’t beleive it to be happening.
today i am enjoying it happening.
i’v learnt of myself that my emotional self quite often rules the intelligent self. this at times makes my life quite difficult as there are contradictatory events occurring simultaneously.
often i need a simple mediatative environment in which to find a calm centre. i find the outside world often to be to complex and confusing. i see a world in which those within it are happy it is like it is.
on the last day of 2014 … i sit. outside the fog is clearing and a #bluesky starts to reveal itself.
a year a go i wrote
” i’m going to attempt to make 12 applications to opportunities in 2014. having made so few in 2013 this attempt is somewhat of an undertaking.”
i can look back today and say i achieved what i attempted.
today i sense a movement forward from a year ago.
in looking forward, i want to build on the sense of excitement i had this morning. i want to achieve those little things around the house i set myself after the move in may this year.
it feels important to be happy and energised. i know when i’m happy and energised that those around me are happier too.
i note it’s easier to write about what i’m going to do than to do what i’m going to do.
the new blog will be about what i do. this feels as big an undertaking as a year ago wanting to make 12 applications and write about the experience. in writing about what i do, it feels that i’m going to be up against the boundaries of perception of what is expected to be written about here on the a n blogging paltform.
i am of course talking about pushing my own boundaries … daring to be my whole self … daring to be vunerable.
there’s something i will need to manage. the panic.
it doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it derails most of me. it’s all internal and i don’t understand where it begins or why it happens. if i write about it, it’ll be because i need to write about it to get it out, i’ll not need any comments or support as that is local to me but it feels important to include it to represent the whole self….
so the blog i’m about to begin will be my attempt to represent my whole self as i pursue my career and attempt to find the elusive financial income i so desire.