time to make some reflective contribution to my blog. it’s thursday morning, there’s four us in the house.
we’re all waiting on the results of a covid test made on tuesday. one of us had the test. since the test another one of us has started to show signs of a rash on their forearm. this morning i’ve learnt how back in mid july research was published into the fourth sympton of covid-19 being a rash.
72 hours ago our week was looking very different.
back then i was in a different head space. i’d found my motivation again, i was intent on packing up the temporary studio at home – at last we would be able to eat at the dining table and i was with a sense of new start and progression.
by teatime this was different.
long story short, one of us had a covid test tuesday lunchtime, we began isolating and now we wait for the result – to inform us of what we need to do next.
after the test took place i found myself quickly adapting – again. all the way through lockdown i felt i missed out on the everything normal has been taken away from me all i can realistically do is sit on the sofa and binge watch something. to be honest i was relieved there was a short period of time where i could hold my hands up and say “this is my time guys.”
now as i sit listening to brecha and pausing momentarily to stare at the view out the window, there’s a feeling of helplessness. i can do nothing to make the situation better – other than listen to how the rash is feeling and reassuring that the teams session will be there at some point and why not send a message so they know you’re here.
so there’s the baseline for today as adult at home. what of andrew as the creative practioner – the artist ? what is my duty at this time to highlight or express ?
i’ll be honest with you – i am searching… searching for answers that are for questions i can’t quite yet articulate for myself.
thoughts of squirrel on caffine from over the hedge – all over the place. that’s how it feels for me.
i look around and see how the norm is and how well that works. i’m thinking here of the artist, their statement, their intent, their work. i feel compelled to reject that as ti gives me the space to explore for myself – yet in doing this it leaves me potentially very isolated.
i’m interested in what the potential of timeplacespace.net might be. that has come in from nowhere – it’s how the triggered thinking thing goes down for me.
i sense there is something unresolved within my physci. how to explain. compression comes to mind. when compressing a liquid of gas the material forces itself out of any part of the container where weakness is. i don’t think it’s weakness for me and it’s not something i’ve ever particularly spoken of before.
it might be a processing intensity thing. when working on a particular thing to understand it, work with it there comes a point where the intensity of that work becomes too much and another thing to think about need s to be found – like an island of fresh thought.
and then there’s poetic thought. the inner world seen externally.
i start to wonder if i fully embrace my wonderful inner world and seek to constantly share that through visual ideas. there’s immediately an awareness that i do encounter mental hurdles.
standing back from that statement for a moment as there was one starting to happen as i started to get in full flow. what was it ? it felt like an extra thread of thought happening simultaneously that countered what i was on at the time. if it was about scale – the second thread looked to dwarf the first. if it was about luminosity – the second thread looked to be brighten than the first – to over power it.
it came from something subconscious.
the music i’m listening to becomes relevant – it’s something i know, it makes me feel good when i listen to it and i actually really like it. it grounds me.
momentarily i’m taken out of composing – an apology comes in for an earlier snappyness. i acknowledge the apology and praise the awareness and than thank for it.
working at home has been like this for the last 6 months. i roll with what happens and remain calm.
there’s one more prepared image to place into the post :
i feel the need to talk about the 8 line images. they are an example of my placing poetic meaning onto something that was made originally in response to an idea and refining it to make the visual outcome more pleasing.
in the squirrel on coffee mode i have ideas and spend time realising them. what then tends to happen is i am slow to find the poetic meaning of what i have made. i merely present it as something i have done/made/realised. i witness for myself how depending on the character and interests of the person i talk to about what it is in terms of the actuality of what it is – the conversation is either near non existant or relatively short.
in placing poetic meaning upon something, that something becomes something else. here lies something i become aware of – it’s an internal thing at the moment that i can’t begin to express.
my role therefore as an artist is to be aware of the internal poetics of my life and share that in ways that set up internal poetics for others.
i am having a conversation with myself here that i’m able to have because i’m sharing it with you. i invite you to time travel with me back to this point in time that i am writing this while listening to brecha.
i observe the feeling in me of being assured enough of the internal poetics and confident enough to share that moment sometime later. again time travelling forward while in the motion of creating the poetic expression of my moment.
my thoughts wander to the nature of the poetics. selfish poetics or shared ?
i hear the kettle starting to boil and the sound of the coffee tin lid landing on the work surface.
the coffee was accomapnied by two pains au chocolate freshly cooked – i’d been smelling something, not realising what it was.
as i ate, i reflected on the inner poetics and started to muse what has been going on for me that has meant i have been reluctant to run with this more. thoughts of vulnerability come to mind, thoughts of lack of encouragement to self express when younger. oh no… the dreaded memory of sat on a stool being lectured about standing up for myself. little did that person realise the damage being done in the moment of what i have to see as a sincere moment of trying to help and support.
those times are no longer travel-able to so there is still work to be done in the present to neutralise the effect.
i dive straight in with the help of this video
i discovered the videos by magnus over 10 years ago and i actually had genuine results when using the technique. the memory of something still exists but the feelings associated with the memory are reduced and even removed. the physical nature of the process works for me and it’s something i can self administer. i’ve even used the technique in high stress/anxiety situations to help to calm myself down better to cope.
the tapping is tiring and rewarding.
writing this post has been so helpful, i’m so pleased i used this morning prior to results coming out to reflect and record.
in time there is work to do. for the next few hours i join everyone else in the house awaiting the results of the covid-19 test.
take care, keep safe.
the test result came back : negative.