ARTISTS TALKING

# 36 [11 March 2010]

Objects have a voice. Stories create forms. Rather than laying these objects to rest, they seem to have come more alive, or maybe it's what being in the public eye has done to them...

After feeling totally emptied out from getting this show up, I have been struggling to get back into the rhythm of work, mainly because of emotional exhaustion . This week i did manage to get into my studio and began a new piece, a ladder which i wrapped in blue silk. i am preparing the binding and also musing on the texts to use. i have learnt, from The Gifts, that objects have a particular story to communicate and that as an artist its my job to iisten and transmit. It feels like it may take a while with this one but it was good to start..something. 

i enjoyed giving the gallery talks last weekend, it was a full house with some juicy questions and emotional responses to the installation. It reminded me why i make my work using textile so much now- to create relationships that would otherwise not be available to me, on a mass scale. A diversity of contact and response that fills me up...for a sweet while. Then i have to crawl through the darkness again until the next piece becomes clear...

It's only now, talking about the making of the work in retrospect that i realise what a risk it was, that reliance on material from the public - several people commented on the trust that had been created in order to surrender some of the most precious and emotionally charged  items...I am still moved by the transaction that took place and hope that I returned the gift fully enough....

Attached is an image i have used for the postcards which will be arriving next week...

Sogand and i were filming last week at the museum, it's such a complex piece to film unless you have steadycams etc,so we took short tableaux shots instead, we found a language to work with but it took a couple of hours to define and we both had fluey colds. At least we have stuff to work with now, though i have to find the budget for a cut. Video documentation hasn't been part of the overall budget and  although i was once a filmmaker i was too inside the work to really do much on that front. Sogand suggested i use what we did to work up a voiceover that is reflecting on the experience of making the work retrospectively, which feels like the freshest way to come at it.

I have never had a show that lasted this long, and want to make the most of creating new connections with curators, collectors or others who may not know about my work but might be interested. This is when an agent would be very helpful, maybe..? I am not sure if this is part of the shape of things' remit or mine really, must check. Think that's the next step in terms of what there is to do with The Gifts while it's in the air. I can't complain that it hasn't received enough overall attention though as visitor numbers were almost 20, 000 in four weeks. But we could do with a proper review of the show. There are so many elements to this soup called Exhibiting in a Museum, I have to learn to take it step by step ....breath by breath.

# 35 [24 February 2010]

I went up to Bristol briefly last week to give some radio interviews, it was actually very good to reconnect with the work but understand that it is separate from me now and is having a life of it's own and becoming something else in its public life. (I can't seem to escape the metaphor of the mothe , too powerful..). 

I am still struggling with the transition from goal-oriented (i.e, shows going up by a certain date and being the central focus of my waking life) and process-oriented living (ie, enjoying that fact that the work is done and out there, rather then fixated on the next thing to achieve in order to feel valued) . 

Am trying to unravel thoughts and issues that have arisen from getting The Gifts made and where it leads me next , got a day in london tomorow to visit my other shows at Southbank Centre, visit the Tate modern, see Willows opening at The Hub and get some headspace to articulate them.....will unfold them here soon.

# 34 [13 February 2010]

I'm decompressing slowly from my shows...and having withdrawal symptoms. sometimes i think i am addicted to my work and the deep sense of purpose it gives me. have been having strange dreams about The Gifts this week, with it sited in a church and me wandering around half undressed looking for a therapist..hm. not sure if its wise to write this, but it's all part of the after-effect of spending a year developing a highly emotionally charged artwork and having it in seen by large numbers of the public.. 

I got a facebook message from Shafan, who is one of the Museum's front of house staff and has been working in the gallery. She also happens to be iranian and from Tabriz, very close to the village where my mother was born, so i once again feel a strange but comforting sense of presence there, from here. It sounds like a lot of people are visiting the show and the response is powerful and positive.. I am missing wrapping things up, and i have quite a few pieces in mind that i want to make, ranging from the tiny to room-size..I will be returning to the studio  next week but meanwhile it is taking some letting go to adjust to the rhythm of life back home..

Anyway, seeking inspiration, i came across this Rumi poem that i had considered using in the catalogue but never did, it seems like a good point to offer it up;

from ' Put this Design in your Carpet'

“..There is an unseen presence we honor

that gives the gifts.

You’re water, We’re the millstone.

You’re wind. We’re dust blown up into shapes.

You’re spirit. We’re the opening and closing

Of our hands. You’re the clarity.

We’re this language that tries to say it.

You’re joy. We’re all the different kinds of laughing..' 

(The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks , with Reynold Nicholson, A.J Arberry, John Moyne. Expanded Edtion,  Harper One 2004.)

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# 33 [9 February 2010]

So i was somewhat insanely busy between my last post and now, having to leave the Musem before the piece was finished, in order to help with the install of the Bibliomancer's Dream and Dream On at Southbank Centre. And then having to leave that to be finished in order to be present at the opening of the shape of things at the museum on friday night.

Now i am back on lewes and with a little space and some rest, i am happy to say i feel very satisfied and excited about both works, The opening of Shape.. and the unveiling of mine and Rosa's work, with a good crowd, tasty canapes and delicious vodka cocktails followed by cosy and fun after -party was fun and rather unreal. But the next day, after i had done my public talk and the DVD of our interviews  had crashed so that no-one could recognise me, i got the real deal.. walking around, sitting and slowly taking in what we have created in Bristol with these installations and how we have managed to execute it with precision and love, then hearing , seeing and feeling the impact of it on the public, was a powerful and fulfilling two hours.

It's a landmark show for me and i feel bereft i cant just walk down the road to visit it (i am 3.5 hours away on a train). But it runs till april 18th and i have three planned trips there for talks etc.

Here's an article from yeserdays local news, i like the title!

http://www.thisisbristol.co.uk/news/wave-emotion-h...

i am still in deccompression and adjusting to family life and different challenges like getting my children to school/ nursery on time - which feels as tricky as deliivering large scale installations to schedule sometimes....

There's more to say, i will continue later.

 

# 32 [30 January 2010]

 

My fingers have barely touched the ground …hanging 999 objects has turned out to be a mammoth task, shared with up to 5 other people at any one time, with so many variables it is like trying to write a computer programme on the fly with thread…by Thursday afternoon, when I had to leave for two days (and felt like I was abandoning a child, untill I saw my own children and everything melted away), just over 50% of the main piece has been hung, and that was ten days into the installing (with five to go, but only three when i am there). I left the process I good hands, it really is a strong team and I enjoy seeing various members of staff join in hands on and weave their energies into these gifts…. another level of giving that will be invisible to anyone but ourselves…

What has been hung does look magical, and I am deliberately not showing too much in the photos here, as I feel the Friday preview will be a genuine unveiling process. At the moment there is still an enormous scaffold making its way through the work, like a giant spider weaving a web, so its hard to get what the overall effect will be, but I am loving the way the whole things moves when you slightly move the grid as you tie the threads of the objects to the top, like a dance, a wave, a meditation. And seeing Rosa’s ‘Still Living’ piece emerging in the background has been quietly thrilling, its delicacy and the space that she has been creating which I think will work really well alongside the gifts like a playful conversation….

I spent yesterday with my children, taking them to a wedding of my Iranian cousin in London. We took the train and tubes to get there, which I had never done on my own with both of them, and felt like far more of a challenge than this project for some reason…. a different mode I guess, but it was a sweet adventure, and my heart tugged when I realised how much Moses has learnt in the time I have been away (i.e. he now counts to 15…10 more than ten days ago…). But I am also looking forward to their reaction when they and Leo see the work…

I came back to Bristol today, intending on reaching the museum mid-afternoon to do a bit of work to prepare for hanging my Gifts (1-99) spiral, but it took me 6 hours, as there was a suicide on the line and no trains running from Paddington. I have been staying with Julia the curator and her partner Paul most of the time, which has been a real pleasure, but tonight I am spending a rare night on my own at my friend’s flat and actually revelling in the quiet and space. Its like being on retreat and something I need before what is going to be one of the most intense weeks of my career – installing and opening of The Gifts here in Bristol and taking two days out to join the installing of  The Bibliomancer’s Dream and Dream On installations at Southbank Centre in between…sometimes I get to the point of overwhelm then remember that this is what I have always dreamed of being able to do, and I get reconnected to a more joyful sense of purpose. Like being on a train, I must remember to take in the view, it’s rushing by so fast…

 

# 31 [24 January 2010]

Week 1 – Part 2

We have a great team of volunteers and tuned into the work already - I knew this immediately because when I was told about the non-appearance of the main frame and the main technician, Benoit, Lyn and Genevieve saw my disappointment and started to compensate with positive ideas about what we could do with our time before the frame arrives as well as about the experiments needed to establish hanging issues. Three of the team are students at UWE on the Drawing and Applied Arts course and have had experience of hanging their work using fishing wire, which is a bonus! Time was spent till Wednesday going through all the gifts and transferring the label numbers onto them with gold pen, as well as establishing what the production line process for getting the objects up as quickly as possible would be.

 Rosie, one of the two museum apprentices (the other is Casey) who have been assigned to helping me, has been helping Becky the designer finalise the proofing of the postcards and floor texts for The Gifts (1-99) so I have had to some proofing as well as final looks at the catalogue which looks beautiful and went to print on Thursday. Simon, the designer who is project managing, has started work on transferring the The Gifts (1-99) grid I supplied to the mirrored circular disc that they will drill holes in and hang objects from.

I initially thought that with 2 pairs of people we could get it all hung in 5 days. I have revised this since we spent all of Thursday and Friday hanging one row and a half. However, these are the two crucial outside rows, which determine the line of the whole piece - which I had plotted out on a graph, and we are taking the figures from that- so they were bound to be more time consuming. We have learnt a lot from the way we worked over this week and from tomorrow   things will speed up and I know more surely that it will flow. The line looks good and the height works I need to focus on what is hanging already rather than what is on the ground.

I have been staying with Julia, the curator who has been a brilliant support as always, getting hands on as well as standing back to take on board where we are at. Tomorrow Rosa arrives with to start installing her work and I am curious to see how our two worlds meet and reflect, I am excited to see her work in the flesh and to see this new, temporary universe unfold …transforming the space and us.

 

 

# 30 [24 January 2010]

Week 1 - Part 1

A great lesson in letting go of expectations this week. I spent a lot of last week preparing myself on many levels for this weeks installing in Bristol. I worked on visualising how it would go – I would arrive at the museum with everything in place and ready to start hanging with my team. We would have a swift, trouble –free, joyful time, with everything falling into place effortlessly…

 

When I did arrive on Monday I was told that, due to a major defect on the councils ordering system, the main frame from which 900 of my objects will hang had not actually been ordered and a key member of the museum installing team was off sick. I did almost burst into tears, I had such an expectation and adrenalin ready to go, it felt like a punch in the stomach. I had had to juggle so many things to be away for all this time, with two children and Leo working full time. The frame won’t get there till Thursday, which put me, four days behind in my head.

 

 Then I reminded myself that I do believe in a broader way that the universe has its own timing which is, overall, much more effective –if less comprehensible initially – than I as an individual can control or manage. And what ensued was some invaluable time considering and focusing on detailed aspects of the installing that I had not been able to allow for. I have had this projects layout either in my head, on paper or literally all over my studio floor (see previous blogs for photos of mapping work over xmas) for such a long time and yet the gap between this and the actual hanging of the 900 pieces still contains unknowns. With the gifts 1-99, I had suspended them in my studio and know how they work in three dimensions.

 

But the larger piece is a different creature. David Singleton, one of the main conservation people took Julia and I up to his office on Monday morning to take a look at experiments he had been doing with different weights of fishing line and weights on smaller objects, as issues around coiling wire, safety and visibility etc were coming up. Thank god he had done these, as well as knotting tests to see how the type of knot affected the slippage of a given object. From these we decided to go with a lighter weight wire than I had planned as well as a different knot and a decision to do some hanging tests with objects to establish which is the optimum wire to use as well as how the air conditioning and door opening will affect the movement of objects. Boring but essential, so thank you council, for screwing up to allow us time to do valuable, if tedious preparation.

 

# 29 [10 January 2010]

Last tuesday, Nathan and David came from the Museum to collect my work ....at last! It felt momentous..then, the next day, the snow came, and everything stopped.

For a few hours. Then came a snowstorm of emails, requests for opinions and feedback on the Exhibition, Catalogue, the gallery texts, the posters design, the labelling...so many choices to make so quickly, which i like as i don't work well with too much time to deliberate, after such a long run on this project, the choices seem straightforward. somehow. Have also been editing my own Gift List , 1-99, which will appear on the floor and it begins to read like a strange poem –come-shopping list. They need to order the vinyls for the floor for that one so have Monday as a deadline. As fro the 100-999 text labels for the other objects, I still have some editing to do before they can begin formatting that and getting it ordered to print. I am trying to get as much done as I can late at  night when the children are asleep, after a day’s sledging…

 

 We are meeting on tuesday re catalogue design, David Hyde the designer has already come up with some beautiful cover design options and seems to be working very intuitively and sensitively which I appreciate. It’s exciting for me and a new experience as no-one has ever published anything on my work as yet, bar an article in Textile Journal which hasn’t yet come out and which I put together mainly myself, with some direction from Janis Jefferies. She has also written an essay for this show on my work, which i think is excellent and provides insightful perspectives and threads of meaning on my work and its context which I have learnt a lot from. It all feels like being at a water fountain and really delighting in it’s fresh cool taste..

 

In the meantime, I have been editing several thousand metre of poetry scrolls from my installation project for South Bank Centre last year called The Bibliomancer’s Dream, which I worked on with Willow and which is happening again this year, alongside  an additional installation at QEH. During the Imagine Festival. Crazily, both shows open on February 5^th! I am not going to complain, but I do wish I had  access to temporary cloning pinned down. I am travelling to Bristol on 18 jan to start installing, and planning to finish by feb 2^nd at the latest (I will blog about the process) as am due to be installing at Southbank on feb 3 and 4^th. Then back up to Bristol on 5^th….. 

# 28 [31 December 2009]

I finally finished the floor design , mapping and packing up of all 900 gifts last night at midnight...it took a lot longer and a lot more excruciating patience than i had planned for... i am too exhausted to write anything coherent but wanted to post up these images from my phone as i liked the pattern the number made on the floor...and it gives a sense of the scale of the final main piece..

now for a couple of days revelling the  resting before the final push to make everything ready for the 5th, when the work gets collected from my studio.

happy new year etc

 

# 27 [26 December 2009]

 

It’s been an extraordinary month in terms of physical work in the studio on the gifts. I now have all 999 objects, and some of the most moving came in the final few weeks …I made a decision a while ago not to disclose much about the objects submitted in any detail ,as it feels like the gallery space will be the legitimate place for proper disclosure, but the poetic and moving nature of some of the final items make it hard for me to do this…so I may post up something soon with a few pointers as to the emotional scope of some of the items given.

 

The objects are now all laid out on a paper grid on the studio floor. (see image)  The museum apprentices, Rosie and Casey, have been logging all the cards and we have been trying to locate stray numbers with displaced objects for the last few weeks. I became totally obsessed with getting the database of objects to numbers accurate, it felt like an injustice to mismatch anything as inevitable a few things had lost labels etc. But this has eaten up a lot of time and I will be spending most of this week finalising the design on the floor grid done by raphaell, then turning the grid into a map for the installing process, with outlines on objects and their numbers and position marked out carefully. Then into 50 bags, one for each line , ready for collection on January 5^th when they go into a special museum deep -freeze in Birmingham for a week,  to kill off any bugs and make them eligible for exhibition.

 

It feels like a lot of this whole year has been taken up with not just the physical but the emotional processes surrounding this project,.others and my own. I first had the seed idea for this 7 years ago. Today is the 5^th anniversary of the death of my mother  in the Asian tsunami and it’s the only day in a long time when I have felt completely unable to tap into the creative power of what came from living through that experience and ride its energy. I realise that it’s the art  have made from it that has kept me in balance. Today I decided to just lie low –no big rituals or hosting like I have done in the past to mark the event. And yet I feel totally vulnerable and unable to function, very much ‘in my child’ (and unwilling to mother my own children today with any degree of effectiveness..). I guess this blog entry is the most creative thing I will do today (I wrote from my bed) and that, in fact, it’s important to fall apart occasionally, with no idea of how to manage or channel what is arising. To feel the deep sadness, the intense flashes of grief and anger, then let go as much as is possible until calm seas return.