ARTISTS TALKING

# 108 [23 May 2013]

S E Q U E N C E E C N E U Q E S S E Q E N C E

Portsmouth 20th May

as I write 22 days to go

Today was a Busy day

experimentation

first: Update the recorder by downloading the instruction sheet - read and scope the process - next download the update - copy to recorder - switch on and update - fingers crossed it will work - fine - update done

Second: Learning to use the sequencer - gather bits together including two synths, a mixer headphones and many leads - after consideration take the feed out the CV and gate outputs - wired up - start - run back and forth - use random note attributions rather than those for the project - grapple with the Dark energy's for 5 hours straight - twist - turn - run - reverse - twist - turn - listen - feel - turn - alighn - copy - listen - watch - adjust - refine - refin - refi - ref - re - r

hypnotised

I watch

    substituted emdr

 leds flash

   on

       off

     left to right

            stepping

          its ways through

   my memory

               sorting

                         ordering

                                  seen even

                      with eye shut       mindfulness

wake - head fuzzed but have learnt - tidy - forget to write notes -take photographs instead

Thirdly: Tidy away - label and number - Spend rest of evening listening to set sequences and track construction on Ipod before laying awake as the fears take hold - shrug covers and settle lower protected by cloth

                       just

              just

    just

lay there thinking of pencil on paper simplicity

I am overwhelmed - I think i need years to experiment with the system and create all of what I have written already and then hours to listen - i will be only able to create mere fragments of the complexity possible - fragments of the journeys across the face of the system left to right right to left

                                             sleep

                                                             ?

# 107 [18 May 2013]

I systemize therefore I am

Portsmouth May 17th

27 days

  Wake

    early

       from

            dreams of   

I                    collection        

Hoard                       order      

Memories                      and place

like empty

wrappers strewn

upon a well walked

passageway between

tottering library landslides

of moments ready to slide at

any minor movement cutting off

any retreat that may be possible at

all

                  Friday

                spend time answering

              spend time emailing 

             pend time thinking

           spend time visiting

         spend time crying

s      spend time alone

su   spend time

suspend time

# 106 [17 May 2013]

'Embrace me - pass through me - leave me'

Portsmouth 17th may

28 days

Coming back on the train the other day I have to close my eyes but can feel my skin burning invaded by the 'shine' intensity - i can taste - feel it touch me - pass through me like Xrays

I'm not sure what it is about yellow that scares me so much - its always been that way from an early age - fearful yellow raincoat that when locked inside gave me protection as well as headache

It makes me feel quite ill and have used this to a fashion in my early artwork including the Turbine Hall day installation of line and sound in 2008

synaestheia seems to be more 'available' to people with aspergers (spell check wishes to change to upsurges) it seems - never knew the name till a few years ago -  (spell check wanted to change this to sunbather) ironic considering what the Tate piece was about - i wouldn't have it any other way - as I taste and feel sound as 3D object- sound is important as raw material in my work for the project

I wrap

     my arms

        around its

   self-contained potential

# 105 [16 May 2013]

The library of fearful pattern

Portsmouth - Brighton - Portsmouth

Patch

     worked

Yellow

  Knife

      edge

Strip

Seen

 Less

      if

     I Sit

         Low

          in my

                 seat

and

 peer

   Over

       the

            window

                     edge

from

      my 

         imposed

                     ledge

 accessing

            that

              growing

      library

  of

    fearful

             pattern

# 104 [14 May 2013]

Expensive Tissue Hypothesis in an age of austerity

Portsmouth 14th May

31 days to go

Woken early by the cat finding a purr place between us

Spend morning on last catch up for admin and some research - now I am free to work on the 'final' sound for next 10 days straight - annoyed its raining - leave to head to 'month of the brain event' - showing Konfirm images today and an audience member for the 3 talks

Arrive early at the Guildhall as McFly are rehearsing in the main hall - q of teens outside oblivious

list 2:11pm - 5:07pm

Walk in rain

Set up images on black clothed boards

Choose place then move to another table

Talk to another attendee about fearful patterns

Eat a scone complete with cream and jam

Photograph orange on the table

Move carpet fluff away from my feet

Listen

 question

  pay attention

    to the talks

Exhibiting the brain (Dr. Marius Kwint, School of Art, Design, & Media)

The evolution of the human brain (Dr. Bridget Waller, Department of Psychology)

make comprehensive notes all way through

lost in another direction project can take

break - go on line on my own

How the brain interprets the world (Dr. James Ost, Department of Psychology)

 realize its over too soon

take apple as instructed

fight way past teens

walk in rain

Is there any comfort in knowing our 'social' brains developed for and are most comfortably developed for groups of up to 150 friends

where does that leave me with my 'aspergers' brain?

I will take some time and sit on my own to c

            o

                   n

                          s

                                 id

                                          e

                                                   r

# 103 [13 May 2013]

Stray envy and Tantalus pencils

Portsmouth 13th May

Wake early thanks to the cat with strange dreams holding fast but have the joyful pleasure of discovered 'layouts of performance' in my mind alongside ideas for new images.....

Clearing everything for the next 2 weeks so I can record the second half of the sound work to match the video shot in Cambridge

                  ana   lo   gue

          seq   uen      ced

ser    iali         sed 

it was the Last day of PTSD treatment today - seems I have come through but not unscathed  - concentration being the loser - work from home morning - writing with OH who is 'resting' from work - or rather between 'engagements' - then leave for the session

on the way I pavement spot for patterns as always - nearly late but stop after seeing something that inspires micro poem - tweet

Stranded
   Pink
  On
Grey
  Half
 Consumed
Sushi
  Lays
 Feasted
Upon
By
 Former
  Soldiers
   Intent
On
 Returning
  Full
   As
    Ant
     Fish
      Saviours
Homeward
Bound

Pleased at USA RT's

I'm home later than expected - artists admin rather than 'creating' for the rest of the afternoon

I type

envious of the pencil

spotted

hiding on the floor under the table

its black and yellow outline

    a 'tantalus'

        seemingly to draw further

   back into the shadow

as I

    mentally

      repeatedly

pick it up

and roll its potential

between my fingers

# 102 [13 May 2013]

The Perfect Cloud

Portsmouth 13th May

32 days to go

a short poem twittered today about granular synthesis 

I
Take
Moments
Of
You
Splitting
Sonic
Grains
Of
Ecstasy
Layered
Within
My
Perfect
Cloud
For
Micro
Movement
Return
Notated
Bliss

Recent soundwork made with this 'perfect cloud'

https://soundcloud.com/fieldoffragments/an-ecstati...

# 101 [13 May 2013]

'A bridge to far'

Portsmouth May 13th

Been a week since I last posted

Been a difficult week since I last posted

Sometimes interactions can be so tiring that they can affect you perceptions of the world around you. Yes am an artist 24/7 all be it an imperfect one but more than this I am an imperfect person too. This week has been testy - many social interactions resulting in 'close meltdowns' and hardly any recovery space which has been hard on that personal level and creative too - we all fight things in our past (or future) but although the PTSD is receding its left ADHD in its wake - Concentration is now a conscious thought rather than a natural impulse - tired I guess. The main thing is keeping going and as I now have a countdown till the performance on the 14th I cant afford to become tired or stop.

List of this last week

Monday: Morning manned our BigLocal stall at church fete - toll paid rest of day for the noise and throng by hiding at home patting out the flames - I pushed myself 'a bridge to far'

Tuesday: Preparing to remake Uni space in morning - Biglocal meeting at lunchtime - AA2A skype directors meeting late afternoon - prepare for tomorrow

Wednesday: Project meeting about NESTA application - preparatory phone call about public realm work ready to chair a panel debate - Setting up and taking down mini neurological art show at University event in Portsmouth Guildhall - then.....Moving all my stuff (lots being sound artist too) into a usable space - finished late after some 'near misses' regarding my interacting aspergers

Thursday: 5 hours of sonic 'making' with another artist for his GFTA project - we perform late June as part of Portsmouth Festivities - Sound sculpting can be hypnotic - more tiding and systemising Uni space - Home - Tea with Dad before taking him to opening of 'Storm Thorgersons' exhibition at Portsmouth Guildhall - dropping surprise of Julian Lloyd Webber concert afterwards by giving him the tickets to 'look after' nonchalantly - new to be Looking after him as he needed wheelchair to get around for the first time after a fall - hard personal feelings about this - quite a trauma in its own way - home late.

Friday: Start with 'ASC' - 'Aspie Staring Competition project planning meeting - Line manager meeting to discus assessments - Emails with OH - meeting with students who will be part of ASC - great response - meeting with documentary maker for SK project and handed over 15GB of video files to be woven into the visuals for the second sound work for the 14th - more systemising of space - home late

Saturday: take the toll of this weeks over working with sociability on my shoulders - one small external incident and I self combusted - rest of day in self-recovery not coping wishing isolation

Sunday: all day in self-recovery

lesson learning

exhaustion seems to be the price paid for over-interactionas a person with aspergers - after a twitter conversation this seems common

remedy: next 2 weeks cleared the decks to record the second piece for The Arts Catalyst performance on the 14th - and some experimentation.

plus

post each day of the countdown

# 100 [5 May 2013]

I am moving so slowly yet no one notices

Portsmouth May 5th

Woken at 6:47 am by children nextdoor

Today is

supposed to be

         A

Rest day

         A

non-thousand

thought day

draw no conclusion

find no pattern

write about

nothing

instead

         A

rare day

         A

mass moment of neural changes

memory

out of place

lost within

a

recurrent

dreams

where my

words whisper in the darkness

alone

faint

as my lips mouth

silently

forming

                                  mother

                                  i miss

                                  you

as the flowers

a gently placed

upon

cold stones

in

apology

for

never

being able

to say goodbye

# 99 [3 May 2013]

'Committing the rites of access'

Portsmouth - Brighton - Portsmouth 2nd May

Not officially a project day

May Second List.

1. Wake at 3:45 in punishment for sociability

2. Snooze with Radio after cat bites me - we both are Innocent

3. Leave for train - forget trolley hidden behind picture - break 'soundmaker' as it slips from grasp - return to house and miss train by 1 minute.

4. Over arching feeling of wrongness envelopes me as I now have to break my rules and change trains un-alarmingly with a cup of tea

5. Enduring fresh sprouting rape fields (yellow brings synaesthesic fears and revulsion's) intrusions with eyes closed I tweet

Avert
My
Eyes
Don't
Return
Their
Gaze
As
Some
Pass
Near
Some
Far
I will
Slip
Passed
Unnoticed
By
Shine
Grown
Yellow
Awakened
By
New
Sun

RTs follow

6. Note in mapping book that I have Spotted train spotters at Hove just before we arrive at Brighton

7. Arrive - walk to meeting - cold Sun shines but take the direct path

8. Settle into the meeting which whilst revealing secrets not to be told adds rules to my part of the forthcoming symposium

9. Tea at lunchtime with ACE friends knowing there may not be another visit - talk about KS and June 14th

10. Loose people temporarily - scattered - but fine - feeling of loss starts to dissipates

11. More planning suggestion and observations - all unlimited in honesty and outlook - aspergers plain talking

12.Shopping for KS in the 'toy field of joy' with research observation - gathering snippits for later hibernations

13. Walk to the uncaught train

14. Imposed crowded conversation by supersocks and friends - their unpleasant joking for all to be overheard.

15. Break journey - arrive at Pallant House Gallery to collect work - conversations

16. Home to unfortunate words made before bathing - found to become insoluable with testing

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