‘Louder than?’

Portsmouth December 30th

Wake at 3.23am ‘Fear o clock’ Listen to radio

Wake at 5.08am due to cat

Wake at 8.27am Listen to radio

Last couple of days been reading blogs both arts, sciences & aspergers finding a wide range of styles approaches and accessibility – access not only with reading but terminology and understanding – problem is everything – seen – heard – read – examined – always through those literal glasses – my shade of pink – tinted aspie filters

Have always felt its others who should understand my thinking and feeling because although I can understand ‘why’ I am still unable to ‘see or taste’ or conform to any other way.

Spend 24 minutes in front of SAD lamp

With aspergers I don’t feel there is informed choice over my ‘like or dislike’ – if ‘like’ its 100% if dislike its 100% and no matter how much efforts to do opposite there will be failure – Not an option – destined to only socially learn what is preordained for me to learn. Arts – Sciences – systems of all sorts but not the ‘human condition – as an accidental consequence I very rarly depict people – exception: Liberty’s in the 90’s – never include them in landscape photography – its the landscape that matters – that landscape learnt and read before I learnt to read about it – answer all the questions of what lays beneath.

Details required

what happens when, if, uncovered

Early artistic desire was beaten out of me at school – instead a turning to all science inspired by my Father – uncovering a natural ‘understanding’ for systemizing – have never heard the word refered too untill 2011 reading about ‘aspergers’ – knew one thing though early on – people were too unpredictable to ‘systemize’ satisfactorly – fingers burn still – baffling

turn to pencil instead.

Desired systems – depopulated – honest – untouched – learnting to trust solitary systems and the patterns attracted me – why – actions – learning now – it makes sense.







seat coverings,

crumpet tops,

pavement cracks,

waves breaching,



wooden floors,




pages of book,

detuned radio signals

engine vibrations



‘harm-on-ic inter-val- 5’

Portsmouth December 28th

False alarm

wake at 2am

wake at 4.37am

Sit in the bath after lousy night listening to the news talking about ‘heading over’ a Fiscal Cliffs – appealing directly to my literalistic mind – am left wondering what a fiscal Cliff would look like – how high? where? what sort of rocks – what sort of fossils would it contain? tell me more – lots of missing details – you cant come to conclusion without details – the detail is sacrosanct

Zone fossil one: Inflaitoceras imminentatus

Aspergers demands detail – the whole picture is not clear when there is a lack of detail. Maybe some words or lines in 2 pt would do.

at 128,346 nodes my computer crashes

Day 7 of my week off – work again – systemizing myself alongside the environments that have been set up for the project.

Unable to rest – the desire to keep going is too strong – to think – the desire to create – artist 247 again – where in my head is the off switch – where in my genes is the ‘switch’ – artist – aspergers – dyslexia – triggers – differently wired – but not in the soldered sense.

breathing at 60bpm

Project is spinning round and round in my head – many to many layers – layers upon layers upon layers that no one can know – much complication – many directions – details – choices – ABC – choices of details A. A need to simplify while remaining honest to the fact – B. details not given away before the presentations in June 2013 and beyond – C. its harder to apply ideals of minimalism to the work – see the trees from the wood – leaves – the insects within – the atoms – how deep do you examine what you do – never satisfied as there is always something intentionally closer to look at – but for this project – a part of me – self – self taught – outsider – inwards self critical – taught with a lifetime of others ‘helpful suggestions’ that are ingrained.




a dice

the choices

stripped away



3 4

5 6

on the radio the Thames barrier is not closing today


‘More than common intervals – a circle of fifths’

Portsmouth December 27th:

Been waking at 4 again – disappointed – head filled with misdirections – unsorted effects

Possibly this will be the last post of this year – I am trying to motivate after 6 days off – took 3 days to unwind enough not to notice I wasn’t working – ‘not working well’ – not been working at 100% for a while due to the PTSD but did my best – ‘artist wanted 24/7

present four: an intact bottle of whiskey

I find the whole situation ‘aspieunsatisfactory’ – after being repeatedly told sometimes that’s ‘all you can do’ – I am not sure I believe that – Carry on regardless despite the ‘aspieperfectionist’ that sits on both shoulders whispering opposites in both ears at once – a heavy burden to bare at the best of times let alone difficult ones

present three: 6 plain yellow and black pencils

tick tock tick tock – Seems I will be glad to leave 2012 behind in a few ways – Mum passing – becoming unwell – but may miss the time in diverse ways more – the stopping of collecting for Look About – 2012 has seen the start of working in Cambridge – the passing of the Torch Relay – RSA

Unsure about climate for artists in 2013 – maybe a year to concentrate on securing artists being centric despite the shifting climate and evolving environments.

Short break to fill bath with water using stack crate and kitchen sink

For me the most valuable is time to think and experiment – whether that be with a pencil and paper – a computer – a situation or sound – who will pay for artists to experiment? how do you attribute outcomes to satisfy an employer or grant giver?

present two: 12 coloured pencils in plain tube

Can be done – you can be selfish in developing yourself – Unfortunately an often ignored contribution to the wider community – Wondering – maybe need to make sure it stays that way.

KTS not KT boundary layers

Back to the dreams and repetitive waking at fear o’clock in the morning.

present one: a gift of chickens via ‘actionaid’


Type S – repeating lawfull patterns

Portsmouth December 20th

In 1982 I went to Florissant in Colorado as a day trip from Colorado Springs where I was staying. The drive was not without fun as we ploughed through a snowstorm climbing Pikes Peak on the highway in a tiny jeep. If it gets any worse we will chain up – this in response to a foot or so of fresh snow – A mere fraction of which would have brought the British transport system to a grinding halt.

Soon we were out and above the clouds – heading for somewhere read about as a kid and long immagined…

The Florissant Fossil beds formed during volcanic activity 34 million years ago – lake and valley floor deposits mixed with layers of tuff and lehar’s. They are widely known for the fossil plants they contain being excellently preserved. The volcano’s eruptions both destroying the environment but preserving the fauna ironically. repeated blooms, run offs eruptions and cycles forming micro layered paper shales trapping the plant material to be read like pages in a herbarium.

Although collecting is restricted within the National Park there were some road cuttings outside the boundary where leaves and wood could be found – in our case brushing away the snow first – a light covering echoing the ash many years previous.


The repetitive appeals to me as does the inquiry – tracing the story – the minimalism of gradual change within cycles.Natural aspergers inquisitiveness – but I had to make sure it was ‘real’ – words in a book – lines on a map – photos – intangibles – but for the real thing – honest ash under your fingernails from scrabbling up a slope releasing long lost treasure only to be scrubbed clean that evening.

On second thoughts maybe I should have kept that too?

I type s:

s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s


‘to be Living or growing in or beside a lake’

Portsmouth December 19th

All surfaces around me are covered in a thin layer of fine ash – almost every minute I have to wipe the slate clean with a half hearted palm enabling me to read what lays beneath. Those snappy hidden words laying in wait for biteback and calm.

Discover secrets – family secrets – where can I see the touch of ‘his hand’ – which linage does the aspergers tumble down – uninhabited peaks on frozen islands.

I treasure the differences – minimalist in nature as each memory slips away from me – ptsd dstp ptsd dtsp has a certain symmetry in its dissonant attitude.

but the colour? where has the colour come from within this work – each time I brush the ash away, pull back the sheets I find colours….grown from non existent grey – you comfortable black and white thinker.


In my head filled with fear

In the tuff filled with hot born crystal

laid down in still waters


I find traces

I find connections – joyful

I find meanings by continuing to scribe numbers and letters in printed squares in the dead of night

no drawing yet

no drawing yet

no drawing yet

they will spill when the time is right

tick tock

tick tock