‘come you lost atoms’


November 1st 2013

A second day of catching up with blog posts – I am nearly there – much has happened but that will stay silent – unwritten – unknown – I am sat in the dining room net book on lap – it takes me longer to write as I can never remember the order of the letters on the keyboard and my motor control is not the best – drawing yes – typing no – it doesn’t come naturally to me – I don’t work well with dictation software either – disappointed – fog still clings to the inside of my skull – an ‘impediment’ you could say – its cold – the cats are scrapping and there is movement next door – too much movement next door – stampede – I am not able to leave the house today – I am folded in a strange way – self sufficient in the wrong way – its dark – gloomy outside – I can feel the tangibility as it grows darker – it will be raining very soon





soon all is quiet – cats asleep as the rain starts in bursts on the plastic above me – a fine but ardent rain sporadic

I feel myself


fragments falling

at each tick of the clock

with each passing heart beat

I am less


than i once was

This afternoon then

I need to make

draw or make sound

I do not care

desires – compulsions

to keep


I must fight against

the mental origami

the origami that wishes me tight folded

and unaware


just maybe


to gather all my faults

and bring them to dance

and follow

to stare into the lake

and see


‘The wood green’

October 3rd 2013

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

National Poetry Day

Awake at 4am – up at 6am 2 hours spent working thru stuff in my head with virtual paint and pencils – best of all no clearing up – then I type

When I look you

in the eye

and tell you

I love you

It will hurt me more

than I ever will you

set free on Twitter to many RT’s – up – dress –


ready for

Train with mist and poetry

Blustery day

Maybe shifting sand

So I am Wearing my

Coat of

Social interactions

To keep me dry



Wifi absence

I watch sheep

Against green grey

Thru watery lenses

Nose hard pressed

Against cold


Window joy

forever I will sit on the beach

stones in hands

looking out to sea

for a social hoped escape

moved by tides

that will never float ashore

Torn between worlds

My imposed half life lock-in

held safe I yearn towards

the solitude of trees


self gathering

Isolation for



there is compelling beauty

joy in the movement

of her refreshment trolley

returned in reverse

towards the end of our journey

London in the gloom – rain – slight but meaningful laces my shirt with star patterns obvious – today is going to be a good day for patterns – first Wellcome Trust – sit – document – look about – sit in Loo in darkness as light fails

cant find way out of building

Tube – tick – tick – tick to a new line to a never visited before stop – I have directions to meeting place – BBC – early so afford the luxury off pattern finding outside tube station entrance – up to BBC – get a snack while waiting – they are caught up but I text back I am OK – lots of patterns in the floor and trees outside – take may pictures ready looking towards the ‘Horizon’.

Collected – enter – sign in – Meeting starts in the huge BBC foyer in a pod – explaining on both sides and an hour soon goes by – ‘aspergers – autism – insight – Interesting – maybe – just maybe – we will see – leave after thankyou’s intact

Back to the Tube


opening of show

at Bow

I have work in this one

Again a new stop – today I am collecting new stops – here early – in – they haven’t displayed the work quite right – I ask and I redo ready – people arrive – many people – so many people – some who will talk to me some who wont – no matter – discover my raincoat useless at the onslaught and wish for the dry – soon its packed like a tube train – claustrophobic – I leave for the ‘outside’ but not before I spy someone vandalise my piece – he moves my work to the back of the plinth and puts his ‘busness cards’ in its place!? – I move in oblivious to all the people pressing and repair – mission – I have your name – email – twitter name etc – why? I move away indignant – trapped I wait for official opening talks – then leave – the rain on my face a welcome relief although I did have one conversation with someone that was meaningful which made all the ‘social trauma’ worth while

‘darkness folds’

Soon driverless trains

move me south to Waterloo

where she is waiting

and I return

most of me



‘Distressed – I sit for a while with a fallen tree and keep her company’ part 5

Portsmouth October 30th

The fifth of 5 ‘catching up’ posts documenting the conversation and encounters on the next stage of the ‘Konfirm’ journey leading up to premier of play and start of ‘Konfirm 2’ which will then be a new blog later in 2014

‘Word has form’

Thursday 24th October

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

Bad dreams start the day – ‘usuality’ and awoken at 4 am by the internal infernal voices

There is sun as I walk to the station – i wonder if it can tell my distress?

There may
To fall
In pieces
The stones
Fall to the sea
Just for me
Just before me

I sit in usual single seat but my solitary plan so falls astray to the prat in a suit who sits in-front of me moving constantly – ripples in my tea – he smells of smoke too – knows it all and is saying so – mind you this is distress distraction all be it annoyingly

gaze out the window at clusters of evening primrose glad of the glass barriers against these yellow triffids


Mist retreats
at touch
of our sun rays
seeking out the bare flesh
found exposed
now your out in the open
Drifting from the tree line
Facing the glare of all around you
Evaporating Like some dark vampires dream
Or ash cast sedentary
upon a fast stream
Where hesitant
I lay down to sleep
My allotted thousand years
Caught between stones
Some holdfasting



We are here

not a moment too soon

I wait till the carriage empties before i get up








through ‘the cut’ again

past the Young Vic at a fast pace

onward to Arts Catalyst

where we plot Konfirm part 2 over tea

forming an engagement pathway

performances in mind

for others to relate too


Back to Waterloo

but call into

The theatre

and touch the wood

for luck

our stable table

train headaches

home early afternoon

sun follows behind

when I am reminded

by pattern on platform

I sequence therefore I am


‘Distressed – I sit for a while with a fallen tree and keep her company’ part 4

Portsmouth October 29th

The forth of 5 ‘catching up’ posts documenting the conversation and encounters on the next stage of the ‘Konfirm’ journey leading up to premier of play and start of ‘Konfirm 2’ which will then be a new blog later in 2014

‘tell me lies’

Sunday 20th October

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

We knew to attend 4 days before

a night of bad dreams herald the sunlight – alarms later than usual – we get ready – I shave – we bathe – we leave

Another train ride to London – third this week past familiar faces except this is the slow train – more stops – more faces – more people – thru the ‘dead zone with no radio signal -past 23 crows – through the hill – past ferns

past the rain

kids scream

I am scared

We arrive

we walk

the short


frequent resting


We sit just inside our destination and look about – we are at the BFI – Guests of Peter Brook – on the last day of the London Film Festival they are premiering the restored film ‘Tell me lies’ – made in 1967 – we sit to one side eating a sandwich watching – watching for others – familiar and non familiar faces – we chat to our neighbors also awaiting tickets – not long to the film we get them – we sit alongside the original cast with Simons daughter.

We say hello and enter the screening room – large plush we find our seats at the side in row G – we wait and talk illustration

the start: Introductions – Peter arrives at the side and is also introduced – a solid warm applause – he moves when the film starts


1. An age gone and lost

2. Enduring relevance

3. A monk who burns

4. Acceptable costs considered

5. No gates to Number 10


Q&A – Warm applause

Duality of meanings

US and U.S.

The Lies we tell ourselves

The lies others tell to us

to soon it is over and all start to leave

We leave by the lower exit and head towards the reception – I have instructions – instructions I will not fulfill to the letter – The lady lifts the red rope and I enter – only the second and wait – Peter is there with someone – I wait – they say goodbye I say hello – ‘its me Jon’

I am greeted warmly – a hug a kiss to both cheeks – a 1000 year greeting – we chat brief to the point – we will wait till the cast and others have said hello then we will chat – pointing at a red bench we have more instruction to fullfill this time to the letter – others come so I move away bearing secrets

Clare finds her way to the area and I usher her in past onlookers – we sit on the red bench playing ‘spot the actor’ we have no I Spy book of actors to tick each box – we make our own as the crowd moves like moths

True to his word he finds us – seated we talk – hand on arm he meets us – the conversation now a blur – gentle words – after a long while he seeks out his wife and brings her to us – we talk more – share more – find more – we listen

soon its time to fly – we stand to say Goodbyes

walking in the rain to the station the words ‘Paris’ repeat and repeat

we are home 8:59 the train another blur


head to pillow

it hits me

I have continued on

the most wonderful and terrifying journey


‘Distressed – I sit for a while with a fallen tree and keep her company’ part 3

Portsmouth October 29th

The third of 5 ‘catching up’ posts documenting the conversation and encounters on the next stage of the ‘Konfirm’ journey leading up to premier of play and start of ‘Konfirm 2’ which will then be a new blog later in 2014

‘Holding the flow’

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

Friday October 18th

Bad dreams

Work in the morning on the computer – my head is elsewhere – the lack of ability to concentrate is hell and the anxiety is making me worse – where has this come from? Up and tidy the house and myself.

Walk out the house – takes a few minutes as I have to check several times – cats fed and watered and settled.

A brief walk to the station and I’m settled into my usual single seat – those usual stops pass with friendship and inaction bar the last where after a ‘walk’ I arrive at Tate Modern – I am disappointed by the building work – they have closed off the main hall – I will not hear the seagulls today – in fact I’m not sure I ever will again if the ‘space is changed’ ( In 2008 I did a sound installation in the Turbine hall for a single day – Playing the sound of ‘Seagulls’ – it’s what I hear due to my synaesthesia and I wanted others to hear)- I wanted to show ‘MM’ my ‘line’ too – closed off – I touch the wall just in case but the only response is one of rising forboding due to all the people – its becoming aspie unbearable.

I wait.

I am early so wait a while but here we go a smiled greeting – I am glad very glad. My instinct is to run out the building but I need to show him the picture.

The picture is venerable

the picture is life

We climb against the flow (Lift hell) and arrive in-front of ‘Letter to my son’ which inspired me to return to my original plan at six years old – to make – to be an artist – when I saw it at the Barbican Centre in 1983.

WE leave

We walk – he collects his bike –

I am suddenly startled – ‘made aware’ by the roar of a passing plane

We walk, I make sure he is between me and the bike as its yellow

We walk along the Southbank stopping – Sitting till cold we chat then hunt coffee

We walk, chaining the bike to the railing we end up inside the BFI

We sit and talk – I try to ignore ‘all’ around me but I feel the tension headache is creeping/knocking and I take2 tablets – I have to last this

1. Brooklyn

2. Aggressive

3. Childlike

4. Spectrum of light

5. Pattern

6. Spirit

7. Not forgotten

8. Richness of space

9. Implied urban

I tell childhood stories

1. Human

2. Vibrate

3. Fear

4. Internal motion

5. Simple

6. Birds

then the BIRDS flow

then the BIRDS flow

then the BIRDS flow

then the BIRDS fly

We leave in the dark – my head pounding but unseen – hidden from view

A short walk to the station

We part part way – on the corner – I am sad as I won’t see him till December now – a new friend – he goes to New York as his wife is opening in ‘Midsummer’s night Dream’ the next day

I sit on the train – the stops pass in a blur as my headache barks command at me

At 9:27pm I am home

At 9:27 I am glad to be home

Then it hits me

I have started

a most wonderful and terrifying journey