10pm

So now I have a plan, but stuckness still lives here and I’m just pushing really hard against doing absolutely nothing. If I were to write a list of what I have done it would be…

… well why not do a list?

went to London

saw Tracey Emin show

saw Louise Bourgeois drawings

went to Bloomberg space

been to a talk by Art Catalyst

went to a PV at artworks

made paper from the boluses

prepared the paper with liquid light

learned how to use the enlarger

learned how to ‘find the grain’

made a drawing everyday

wrote my blog most days

contacted Helen Hiebert in Oregon

(got a response from Helen)

contributed to Pyramid of Arts’ funding bid

started research on cyanotypes

contacted Polymer about a return visit

None of these things make me feel like I have ‘done’ anything. Maybe I haven’t dedicated enough time to anything? I haven’t focused on an activity? After I ruined the paper it’s a struggle for me to convince myself that it is worth beginning again. It is possible that I will be disappointed by the outcome. It is possible that I am disappointed at the realisation of the concept. Do some things exist better as ideas rather than as objects that are compromised by the practicality of making. Is the nature of creating something functional from a concept inevitably inconclusive?

At the Art Catalyst talk today a project where an artist had created a fake science lab as a performance space evolved into a working laboratory. The result was an impractical space but one that attracted many scientists, geographers, hackers, artists and other professional. Even though the conditions where less that comfortable there was this attraction to the concept and even though the actual experience wasn’t ideal the idea behind the space seemed to override the participants desire to work there.

I must persist. I must go back to the concept and inspire myself. Tomorrow I am going to a school to talk to students. I will use this opportunity to test out whether the concept for this work is still interesting even though so far the practical application of the ideas have evolved from the original drawings by the fact that I have had to create the process from information from several sources. Young people will give their honest opinion, and in explained the concept to them I should clarify it in my own mind.

In other news I’m not being evicted.

Progress is slow at the moment. Since the mess up with the paper I’m back to square one. Now it’s a waiting game. Today I was told that I have to book the photography facilities a week in advance and if I’m using ‘experimental materials’ I have to submit these to be researched for risk assessment. Still it’s good to plan and tomorrow I will write a plan and things will come together.

I was thinking last night about process and the way that I have approched making over the last few months. For me it is important to have a site and materials. Within these confines I feel that I am most creative.

Up until now I have been making and researching with a more or less open brief. The site that I installed my work was purely circumstantial, the gallery space was free for a few days and I had access to equipment. There was no restrictions on materials and the site did not come with the specificity of somewhere like a national annual Christian festival.

I have been allocated 8 meters of wall space and a theme of the anniversary of the King James Version Bible. With this starting point and my aim this phase to focus on making I feel more confident that the creative benefits of this situation will aid the outcome of my work. In other words things have become more specific and these boundaries give me something to work against.

On the other hand, I feel this work will be a huge challenge to me. I will be transmitting a message/ creating an experience for a large audience with Christian beliefs. In addition I feel that I have a responsibility to the curated who is trusting me to make work that will move people, challenge people but that she and I, and the other exhibitors will be comfortable with.

I think the key to this coming together is communication with the curator and thorough research on my part.

On Thursday I went to London and missed my connection on the way back. I’ve been exhausted since. Work on Friday, private view at the gallery on Friday night, work Saturday and then food shopping, then working again today.

I need to clear my head and get back on track with this project. Thankfully I have Greenbelt festival as a deadline. I have 8 meters of wall space for this show. Now that I know how not to do it I can get on and do it the right way. Tomorrow will be a long day of gathering materials, posting and paying and meetings. Tuesday I’ll be back to Uni so Wednesday I can begin the project.

It works out well because I have a planning meeting at 11am when I can sort out exactly how I can go about making this work. It’s exciting but I’m tired too – so I’ll get back to this trashy film and cheap wine and tomorrow I will begin anew.

It was like that film Blown Away. I had two choices yesterday red or yellow. I chose yellow, and today i found out it was the wrong choice. The result was that all of the work for an idea I have been working on for months has disappeared.

So what now? Back to the drawing board I suppose. Begin the process again. This time around I will have the benefit of experience. As Edison says ‘I know a thousand ways not to make a lightbulb’.

Immediately after the realisation of my self destruction I went to the library to clear my head. I bumped into Jonathan Shelper who was updating his blog http://offthewallfriend.blogspot.com/ with his experience of Venice Biennial. It was useful to listen to what was going on in someone elses head for a change. He says he believes the art of the 60’s is coming around again. He plans to get back the space he had in London and make good work.

He asked me why I must spend so much time on my work and without thinking I responded that I want to torture myself. Jonathan’s work is clever and immediate, temporary, playful and profound. Mine is painful, drawn out, time consuming, complex yet also temporary. One thing we agree on is that we need to make the best work we can regardless of whether anyone gets it or even sees it.

Tomorrow I’m going to London to see work by Louise Bourgeois, Tracy Emin and Daniel Lamelas. Then I’ll trip over to the East End and see what’s in the artist run spaces there – I can’t wait. London will be my Venice.