Only The (Dark) Horses…
I usually don’t take that long in between posts. Last time I went off the blog’s radar for a long while was 4 years ago, when I first joined in and started this blog. Quickly though the pressure of posting regularly became too much…Or I put some unnecessary pressure on myself for a side project which had/has the ability to enhance my thinking process about my practice, my work and to a certain extent my writing. not that I was totally aware of it at the time…But this is best left for another debate!?
So 2 months have passed since my last post. I’m still wondering why? A mix of circumstances caused it – the gap – the fact that we’re entering the final 2 weeks of rehearsals before the show as I was writing my last post; the lack of confort in my chaotic working/living/reading room; the laptop mini-breakdown; a post-show general dryness that slowly turned into physical and mental tiredness which lead to symptomatic lazyness. Then came the guilt…For not having kept on going. For not having finished what I’ve started. For not taking my work as seriously as I could. For not acting as professionally as I should. For giving up too easily. Then come regrets…For slacking. For wasting. For whingeing. For self-pitying. For diverging. For diverting too often and too much.I guess it is a typical case of falling off the horse…Except that I had no (real) reasons or intention to fall off it…Again.
I had several occasions to fill the gap. Especially in February – I watched The day Shall Declare It at Marelybone Gardens in some spooky circumstances; I went to see 3 more Resolution nights up to the closing evening; I kept having intersting chats about the show; I’ve been given the opportunity to apply for a chairman position, which oddly enough has provoked a questionning of my motivations for being an artist; and I’m exploring the possibility of doing a PhD on the top of all of that. So I have had plenty to talk about! And yet, no urge was there to post any thoughts, doubts or discoveries about my next artistic chapter.
So tonight comes as a relief. Tonight comes as a realization that the regular writing of this blog is what kept me on the saddle all last year, laying bare my busy mind, like a pillow you hold tight at night to stop you from crying. Like your favorite Magnum ice cream you’re craving for at 2 in the morning after a fructuous brainstorming. Like an old school Morcheeba, Moloko or Madonna that takes you away on a glorious tripping day of a feel good dream. Like the simple feeling of being intellectually and artistically alive…Momentary or not, tonight comes as a relief, as an attempt, as a certainty that I should do it all over again!
Til The Creative Guilt Do Us Part…
