Out of the many presentations at the The Brixton Exchange event (by Anchor and Magnet,) which I mentioned before, the one which really made an impression on me was by the artist Jeanne Van Heeswijk, check her website if you are interested in radical, playful and deeply affecting artist strategies around cultural production, public space and urban identities. A phrase from her is still in my head as it resonates with the way I have been working and particularly relevant to this current project; that (speaking in the context of public practice) the artist must ‘put at risk their own subjectivity in the public realm’ It rings true for me, this is perhaps some guarantee of authentic engagement and links to the idea of the ‘bridge’ that I have used to describe my own position in relation to audiences and those who take part in public projects I am involved in.
I am always checking myself to make sure and question where I am coming from and, sometimes this comes through others. A debt story in my own life (connected to a very close friend) came up last week, which was painful to confront and deal with. I used the act of making entry into the book to examine it amid the upset. I was trying to see what was coming up that I was finding so difficult and I have to say that in doing this – as a way of clarifying what was playing itself out on my part – it enabled a conversation to take place which in some small way moved the relationship forward. I noticed how the ‘charge’ around the debt flooded me with old feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. I have learnt that though these feelings are inevitable given the trauma of the far more serious debts faced in the past, if I clothe them in too much drama and upset, I then revert to a place where I am unable to work towards the becoming solvent in relation to the debt. That is, I become paralysed to act in a way that will put me on the path to resilience and growth and creative action. It was a bumpy moment, and I think part of the teaching this project has for me is to remember that, though I have experience of this subject and enough distance from its core trauma to be in creative enquiry around it, it is always close at hand, to be looked at more deeply. Its rawness and discomfort are the emotional material, which the project is using to create its own alchemy. There is a potential for transformation here, for some and definitely already for me!
So, drawing on my own vulnerabilities around my experience of debt at an emotional level, seems to be opening up a channel for a clear and direct dialogue to take place with those who I am slowly approaching to take part.I will start to publish some of the conversations that I hve been having with the inital contributors to The Book of Debts, before it goes public later this month.This is a relief as it feels like other voices now need to be heard here apart from mine! We have been immersed in the website, which is a creature that is slow to craft properly but looks and feels like it will be a resilient one which can support and feed into the street interventions (and encounters in other ways) that I will begin in April/May and the Burning on May 18th at Blank in Portslade.
On a lighter and more playful note, enjoyed immensely recording a range of book-related sounds, whisperings of debt stories (which reminds me how much there is to do around how these will be voiced for the recital) and then listening to my friend and sound designer David Thomas, mixing up a soundtrack for the trailer and website. A true sonic alchemist. Got me very excited at going live online later this month.
