Conversations with myself

So yesterday I talked about what urges me to create work and I had a moment where I realised that art had become my way of dealing with the hate that surrounded me as I grew up and as an adult in difficult times. However, as I laid in bed last night I thought about this, is it hate, this is a very emotive word and I don’t believe that it is. It is however an emotion and I think that my emotions are something that I really struggle to put in to words. As a child I always felt that emotions were something that you shouldn’t show, you shouldn’t show any weakness, you shouldn’t wear your heart on your sleeve, but this is difficult for me as I am such an emotionally driven person. I feel things far easier than I could talk about them, I can walk in to a room and immediately tell that something is wrong, I hate to see people in pain or scared or upset as it hurts me in the pit of my stomach. I hate seeing an argument, I literally shut down and go in to another world, which is often a visual one. May be it’s my hate of all things bad that moves me to create.

So has my art become my way of expressing the rush of emotions I experience in my life or has it become a language that I use to express my hate or my anger of the world that surrounds me. I couldn’t imagine not doing art and when I have had periods where I haven’t been creating regularly I became emotionally and physically unwell. But I must get back to the original question that I asked myself yesterday, what defines me as an artist? From what I have discussed yesterday and today it has to be said that ‘My art is my way of expressing the rush of emotions I experience in my life, a conversation with the world from my standpoint, a way for me to express how I feel about things that make an impression on me’

Now all I have to do is write an artist statement that doesn’t make me sound like I’m an emotional wreck and I’ll be good to go.

As I start to look at different opportunities I wonder, what defines me as an artist? What is it that spurs me to create art, what am I really interested in? Is it just light or is it more. The post it note sculptures that I created when I was working in a job I hated, are they my art.

I need to define my work, I need to show possible funders what I’m all about, show them what I can bring to the art world. Maybe everything I create is art. I read today that Martin Creed gives all his art a number as he creates them, thus not defining them but giving them a chronological order, as though he just creates and then files. Is this relevant to my work.

So what is it that makes me want to create art, all my art starts with a conversation that I have with myself? I can have a hundred thoughts a minute and for me when I create my art something happens to me. I can have a conversation time and time again by myself through the things I create, without ever doing something to change that conversation, it is a regurgitation of a thought.

The easiest example that I can use to explain is my post it note sculptures. They were a conversation of me saying I hate the job that I am doing, but I know I must do it to pay the bills, I know that I need to do it and yet I just want to create something, something that is art and what better way to show this than a typical art piece, a sculpture and yet it is not your traditional sculpture, it is basic in its simple self, it is a cheap mass produced piece of paper, a piece of paper that is there to be scribbled on and then thrown away and yet I have changed it in to something more, something that I want to expand on, something that has longevity in it. I have also created the sculpture by wrapping the post it note around the corner of my desk, another by wrapping it around the mouse of the computer, another by wrapping it around the plug socket and so it goes on. I then move on, I use an old battered folder divider, I use this to wrap around the filing cabinets, the chair, and the desk again. I am literally wrapping this office that I hate in art, I am creating something that makes a barrier between me and the things that I hate. And there we have it, my breakthrough moment. I create art to deal with the things I hate, an argument in the home that I grew up in, I would go to my room and draw, a controlling boyfriend in my early adulthood, I would sit and draw him, a mother who as soon as I got home from school, without a word I would know that she was in one of her moods, I would create an experimental meal for my father to make him smile. My art became my way of dealing with the hate that surrounded me.

So that is how I became an artist, but what do I do now, this is what I shall be working on over the next few days or weeks.

Yesterday was a strange day for me and my practice. I woke up the normal time, did the normal morning routine, got the kids ready for school and was looking forward to a day of making images with sparklers when all of a sudden, I looked out in to the garden and saw the start of an amzing red sky. So, big change of plan, I grabbed my camera bag, my hat, my gloves, my boots and a toasty coat and headed for Sale water park as I wondered what the red light would look like reflected by the marsh land and water.

However, when I got there all that awaited me was grey skys and a whole lot of mud. But, I had such fun, I took loads of images, got very muddy and walked for miles. The end result, loads of ideas on what to do with the sky images that I’ve been taking over the last few months. At first, I took a few sky images but they just didn’t seem to be working, so I changed tact and looked at the darkness of the bare trees and suddenly the light became brighter. I also looked at how the light is reflected in the water, even the grey sky created flecs of light that danced on the surface.

I was really surprised that even if a sky looks grey, its amazing how much light is still there. It also made me wonder about the skys of China, where they have so much air pollution, what images could be created to collect the light from it. I googled some images and they were fantastic, but very sad, I couldn’t image having the light taken away from me, it feels like a human right to look up in to the sky and just take in the warmth of the sun or the comfort of the nights sky.

Anyway enough of my ramblings, I’ve included one of the images from yesterday and will do another update tomorrow. Today is a day of kids parties and housework, the joys of an Artist that happens to be a wife and mother.

This blog is also really helping my practice, I’ve never analysed my work so much since uni. Take care all, and thank you a-n.

Went for a walk and took some great images of the sky and how the light was so changable. Love the images but not sure what to do with them, might just keep taking them and make them in to a series.

What do people think?

Fabulous news, I managed to pick up some sparklers today. Good old John Lewis does it again. I’ve sorted out the pantry in to a make shift darkroom, looking really forward to tomorrow.