[JP]
Beacons of truth
Every time I log in online to speak to my therapist I feel a need to apologise for my lack of masculinity. Have I wrongly sold a lie? Does she expect a 100% transformation, deep voice, and stubble chin? Have I failed? All of my characters are so camp. I was so exhausted trying to be a ‘man’ 24/7, and who even said that this was the project anyway? My voice rises as I defend myself. We have been slipping in and out of character, female, male, fe-male. One of my characters, the Detective, is a woman dressed as a man masquerading as a woman. 24/7 I feel a like masquerade of some sort. I wear my masculinity in clothes, and the soft peak of my quiff. I like my hair short. I don’t really look like a boy, more tom-boy. I feel like a fake when I say the word masculinity. I can’t even carry my own posture well. I feel too feminine. Right now I strive for androgyny. My friend was disappointed in me today, I was wearing make-up. ‘You should not be wearing make’-up she told me – I felt like I had lost the game. What is it I am trying to do? I want to stop being sickened by my own femininity. I want to feel comfortable with my body again (‘again’ was there ever even a before?), I’m sick of feeling not enough. When will I be enough? I uncovered my body today in order to get closer to my skin, then took it back when I saw the outline of my breasts through my ‘wife-beater’ – my nipples felt like beacons of truth, that would whisper with sly words that I wanted to touch you as I smiled in serene silence. I was embarrassed by their honest form. I only feel masculine when I lie alone at night. I only feel masculine when I am truly sexual. Master hunter, I always initiate the chase, until I am salivating for its sweet meat, and then I lie in wait. Why do I equate masculinity with sex? Why does there feel like such a need to prove myself? To conquer? I perform my masculinity in the way I carry the armature of my body, that supports my throbbing cock. I am aware that I have created a caricature of manhood, a ridiculous parody of something like gristle and burnt meat.
