Finding an identity as a solo artist, among other things. R&D project 08-09. Esc

So…as I was saying the performance with Ben was very different. I was not having to remember any script or order, it was not rehearsed, i was not directly communicating with the audience, i was not alone. I was calm. I had after all performed the week before, Ben had not performed for 2 years, we had not performed together for two years. I felt older and wiser- more mature, more able to enjoy it. this marked an interesting stage in the history of Ben and Holly. It feels like a new chapter rather than a picking up of the old chapter. this is refreshing.

We read our journals from Edinburgh, simultaniously, we dunk past objects used in performances in paint, shredded journals and coffee, we repeat this.

It was durational- an hour, we could have gone on longer. It felt hard work and focussed. I felt it more deeply inside than recent performances. I think this is because the nature of this type of performance feels more soulful. Because of its absence in directness I could feel it more rather speak it. It wasn't just about the audience as the work with Jenny and recent desk work is, its about me and me and ben in this case, our relationship with each other and materials, it felt much more about my passion to be creative than a passion to be entertaining, which is not really a passion of mine, more of a tool to communicate stronger ideas.

Today I feel at home, the work with Ben has now had closure, I've got closure on it, and feel excited about the prospect of completing this new performance in the future.

The past weeks have been amazing in every sense, two performances in two weeks, both new work, both very challenging, both very new experiences, both very different works. It feels good to be in the middle of this thickness, full, fullfilled, exhausted, excited about the future and anxious…as always…sorry!

To sum up, which is the only way I feel I can discuss these events right now, I have learnt a lot. The junction performance, titled 'everyone standing around sniffing the platform at Hertford east' was me alone, solo and i was very nervous. The work had a lot going on in it, lots of ideas surrounding material, consumerism, control, performance for the sake of performing, the blurring of art and life, current PM spending issues, guilt to name a few. I was also in an office space, a statement in itself which i kept overlooking. I performed twice, i used dialogue and action, I knew what i was doing, I had a format, and script if you like and an order, to remember. One bit went out of order, it threw me, i rushed the rest, i was left feeling young, naive, exposed and the underdog, all of which felt worse because I was a 'escalator artist'- someone whom had been invested in over other artist, selected on the basis of my work and practice and now this… (I was performing at an escalator venue), of course this is only existing in my head, it was not the feedback I got, not that the feedback i got was great, just non, and that the limited space of the office was interesting as the audience felt very near each other in a awkard way. It was also said to be very much about control- hilariously!

The second day went much better, I had time alone, to digest the previous day, decided to change the beginning, I wanted to be in the room when people arrived, already doing something, so to dilute the start somewhat. I spent more time in the office space and began to see it. I decided to make more of the space, use its contents, celebrate its contents, call its contents the work- the printer turning out a sheet of paper, the phone on loud speaker, the opening of the windows, the light on and off. The highlight and most enjoyable moments was when I asked the audience to collectively help me move a book shelf across the office. The weakness, not knowing it was about control until after the performance. I felt i had found myself in the work more. I am left still questioning the directness of the performance, the direct communication with the audience? What my role is in the work?Who I am in this performance? Some people left looking like they didn't get anything from it, others laughing and smiling.

The performance with Ben was very different…