Finding an identity as a solo artist, among other things. R&D project 08-09. Esc

continued from last post….

I have managed to cut down hours lecturing during this project and have regular mentoring, something invaluable when you have been making work for 8 years but still need now more than ever to discuss it with someone outside of the work. It has also allowed me to reflect and take time to digest the last 5 years of working predominately with Ben. This too feels initially unproductive but I need to keep reminding myself this ‘time’ is not for just doing, manically, but also thinking, looking back, drawing conclusions, analyzing what’s happened, where I am now, how I got here, where I want to go etc…etc….

Of course, I guess I’m sounding like I’d prefer not to have funding and that would be very wrong. I wouldn’t be able to sit down this afternoon, reflecting and writing this if I hadn’t got it, too busy with other stuff, and am unsure of the future after it, it has had such an impact on me as an artist, my work and its development and I am certainly in a different position than I was before it, professionally, creatively and within my own self confidence and clarity and its not over yet. What I am discussing in this post is the illogical feelings that sometimes arise when things are going well, in the hope I am not alone. It’s not a reflection of the funding system or of my views towards funding, but simply a sharing of my feelings and anxieties, however stupid.

To finish I had a funny conversation with a man in the pub last week. He asked me how I get paid as an artist. I told him about this recent funding, and how although it was not a long-term wage it was a chance to pay myself for some time out of my normal paid work to focus on the development of my practice. He asked where this came from, I answered, the arts council, he asked where do they get there money from I hesitated and suggested the government, he answered with, oh so its my taxes then… I replied, its not like I’ve built myself a duck pond or anything! The paranoia is setting in, its like some great big cycle that’s been in orbit for years has revealed itself and everyone’s got a heighten awareness of exactly how the system works…I laughed it off, justified the pint as not coming from the funding and luckily he broke into a smile too…I left the pub and headed back to my studio to bury the guilt!

So…after these great chances to perform of late, I return to re-examining my Escalator project. Where am I in it? What have I done? How is it going? How’s my expenditure looking and where am I going to take the next 4 months of the project?

Its a funny thing really, your realise that when you finally get funding for something, in this case R&D to continue establishing a solo identity, developing new work with Jenny and Ben, raising professional profile, blog and creating a website, that you suddenly feel like you need to be busting your ass creatively to justify your funding, and on reflection the whole point of the R&D time is to not let this happen, this is what happens outside of funding right? When you’re balancing day jobs with creativity and working all the hours under the sun to get stuff done? Well no, in my case I’m still busting my ass, but I think that’s my own problem in not being able to fully manage funded time, its quite, in fact very, overwhelming really, which is essentially ridiculous, because we all know that it is more than okay to get paid for making artwork, that’s what we all fight for right? But it still feels weird when it happens and in a strange way you feel like you need to work double as you would normally to justify the funding, but we forget what we usually do is essentially for free, its hard to make that shift in what you already do for free to suddenly become funded for a while? It’s hard to shift mentally from making work for year’s predominately unpaid to getting paid and its easy then to overlook what you already do!

Don't get me wrong; the funding is great in allowing uninterrupted time to focus on my practice. And of course I’m making more work because I have uninterrupted periods of time to do so, however there’s always a niggling of expectation and the responsibility to do something productive or maybe I mean produce a product, because the project is funded. I guess when you work outside of funding, if its more risky it doesn’t really matter, but, although the funders have no expectations, somehow, I don’t know if its just me, I feel as though I need to do something really ground breaking!

(In two parts due to word count- this needs to be read with next part and doesn't exist without it!)

So…as I was saying the performance with Ben was very different. I was not having to remember any script or order, it was not rehearsed, i was not directly communicating with the audience, i was not alone. I was calm. I had after all performed the week before, Ben had not performed for 2 years, we had not performed together for two years. I felt older and wiser- more mature, more able to enjoy it. this marked an interesting stage in the history of Ben and Holly. It feels like a new chapter rather than a picking up of the old chapter. this is refreshing.

We read our journals from Edinburgh, simultaniously, we dunk past objects used in performances in paint, shredded journals and coffee, we repeat this.

It was durational- an hour, we could have gone on longer. It felt hard work and focussed. I felt it more deeply inside than recent performances. I think this is because the nature of this type of performance feels more soulful. Because of its absence in directness I could feel it more rather speak it. It wasn't just about the audience as the work with Jenny and recent desk work is, its about me and me and ben in this case, our relationship with each other and materials, it felt much more about my passion to be creative than a passion to be entertaining, which is not really a passion of mine, more of a tool to communicate stronger ideas.

Today I feel at home, the work with Ben has now had closure, I've got closure on it, and feel excited about the prospect of completing this new performance in the future.

The past weeks have been amazing in every sense, two performances in two weeks, both new work, both very challenging, both very new experiences, both very different works. It feels good to be in the middle of this thickness, full, fullfilled, exhausted, excited about the future and anxious…as always…sorry!

To sum up, which is the only way I feel I can discuss these events right now, I have learnt a lot. The junction performance, titled 'everyone standing around sniffing the platform at Hertford east' was me alone, solo and i was very nervous. The work had a lot going on in it, lots of ideas surrounding material, consumerism, control, performance for the sake of performing, the blurring of art and life, current PM spending issues, guilt to name a few. I was also in an office space, a statement in itself which i kept overlooking. I performed twice, i used dialogue and action, I knew what i was doing, I had a format, and script if you like and an order, to remember. One bit went out of order, it threw me, i rushed the rest, i was left feeling young, naive, exposed and the underdog, all of which felt worse because I was a 'escalator artist'- someone whom had been invested in over other artist, selected on the basis of my work and practice and now this… (I was performing at an escalator venue), of course this is only existing in my head, it was not the feedback I got, not that the feedback i got was great, just non, and that the limited space of the office was interesting as the audience felt very near each other in a awkard way. It was also said to be very much about control- hilariously!

The second day went much better, I had time alone, to digest the previous day, decided to change the beginning, I wanted to be in the room when people arrived, already doing something, so to dilute the start somewhat. I spent more time in the office space and began to see it. I decided to make more of the space, use its contents, celebrate its contents, call its contents the work- the printer turning out a sheet of paper, the phone on loud speaker, the opening of the windows, the light on and off. The highlight and most enjoyable moments was when I asked the audience to collectively help me move a book shelf across the office. The weakness, not knowing it was about control until after the performance. I felt i had found myself in the work more. I am left still questioning the directness of the performance, the direct communication with the audience? What my role is in the work?Who I am in this performance? Some people left looking like they didn't get anything from it, others laughing and smiling.

The performance with Ben was very different…

From memory to desks….

To accompany last weekends performance and the general concern with desks, I have had over the past year, I have be working on an exercise I set my self a couple of months ago. I have been collecting photographs of myself sitting at other peoples desks. 'Where I work I don't have a desk". This work supports my ideas surrounding the power of owning a desk, its reflection of the human condition, its daily changing association to success, money, global issues, the blurring of art and life, processes, day jobs, always being between to things rather than being fully in one, and the history of the desk. Again, what could be perceived as a 'naughty' exercise, these photographs are taken without the desk owner knowing.

They are all taken using the self timer button and I only sit for a maximum of 30 seconds at each desk. I have tried to keep the pose consistent, but it is still very much a working idea.

The images shown were mainly taken at the college I work at, late one Thursday evening after everyone had left.